Hyperviolence

DRAGON DRAGON BALL!

2010-07-05T17:13:00.002+01:00

99 Chan

2010-06-30T22:53:00.007+01:00

So besides the ubiquitous 4chan, which is ur favorite chan?

Theres something lovely and grimey about all the other tiny ones in a kind of unloved, unwatched alley that you might get raped in kind of way.

Anyway, 99 chan just turned 2! And with that posted this rather amusing post on the front page.

So as of June 14 we are 2 years old. The past year was even crazier than the first. Here are some more numbers.

99chan by the numbers:

DDOS Attacks: 23

DMCA Takedown Notices: 922

Webhosts: 1

Domain Hijacks: 2

Pissed off parents: 42

Users Banned: 29,621

Times gununu has been banned: 1812

Users in jail: 7

Disk Space used: 94.98

GB Wordfilters: 43

Time Regs hasn't been high in the past year: N/A

Internal sabotoge attempts: 3

Suicide Attempts: 5

Staff Members Dead: 1

Actual Court Documents served: 3

awe ye

Love it when internet shit leaks into the real world, as long as it's an isolated, chaotic spontanious one off event, and not just some fags in those fucking masks.

Like when one of my friends found some guy posting asking for someone in Manchester to join him in kidknapping some girl, so somehow my mate tracked down the dude, took photos of him, then posted them along with all his other deats. Think they sent their findings to all his facebook friends or something equally life ruining too. Good times.

Anyways, happy birthday 99chan!

Summer Job :/

2010-06-24T20:47:00.006+01:00

To "fundraise" for my upcoming trip to the US of fuckin' A so I can catch the warped tour with the rest of the SYWH crew, I am working this manual labour job with some contract gardeners. Because it is summer, this means mowing, and mowing and mowing, and doing all in my power, backed with a potent arsenal of hardcore garden tools, to prevent the growth of mother nature. Lucky, mother nature is pretty much shit-out right now, because the northwest is about to officially go into "drought" mode, enforce a housepipe ban, and generally let all the grass burn to death. This is good news however, because burnt grass dosn't need mowing, and I get to spend more time sleeping in a smelly van with two foulmouthed contractors who pretty much exist in order to oggle summer girls, via builder stereotypes. Luckily, they are also pretty averse to work too, so we generally just cut corners in order to spend max time sleeping in the van or any available comfy patch of grass. I think I fit in ok because of my mums "peasant blood" or something.

Still, having to start work at 7:30 is fucking rough, as is spending every night in the knowledge that you have to go to bed at a reasonable time. Life as a normal working person is pretty grim :/, its like, all of a sudden, boom!! there go 5 of my seven precious weekly nights :( fuck that!

Its cool though when there are keut doggys in Gardens im mowing:

Especially when they steal someone else's tuna sandwich:

Imminant builder rage...

I also came to the conclusion today on the drive home listening to Good Charlotte on the radio that "Girls and Boys" was written by an extremely embittered Joel Madden after some rich college kid stole some chick he was after. Fuckin' pop punk fgts.

The "OG" Millionaires

2010-06-19T23:26:00.002+01:00

Oh good lord!

And I thought The Millionaires seemed open for buisness...

Watching this feels like hiring a prostitute, then at the last moment realising you don't really want to do this, but it's too late and she's in your apartment, and pulls you down on top of her, and you try to get away, but she's freakishly street-strong, and proceeds to rape you, take money from your wallet, and leave you sobbing on the rug curled up in the fetal position.

Shoe + Gore = Hella Sickness

2010-06-19T02:21:00.003+01:00

How sick are these fucking shoes! How could I not buy that!

Can't believe they would make shoes based on a retro Sega Megadrive (Genesis to you yanks) game, complete with faithful blood specs and a little replica mask.

It's also about to be remade, which I'm totally stoked for. I always found God of War a little too arbitrary, and recent Devil May Cry games have been kina ghey, so this fresh new hack and slash re-imagining should be a welcome addition to my brothers PS3 shelf!

Original:

Re-make, complete with token metal soundtrack:

Also, a pretty cool fan film, featuring some tribal tattoo'd guido as Rick:

Maybe if it does well they'll squeeze a film out of it. Considering the recent success of Prince of Persia and a couple of other videogame/comic franchises as movies, as well as the current vibe of horror and darkness for all, I can imagine someone taking note and doing that. Hopefully it's be silly, discusting and OTT, like a 2010 Evil Dead. It will fail if I don't dry heave.

Mixing two very different parts of your life for amusing effect

2010-06-15T22:50:00.005+01:00

So today I was hanging out at the Mall with this girl, and remembered I needed to get some new warhammers.

Being that she was a socially normal, good looking, no real problems girl, she was kina wary of going to the Games Workshop, so I was all "it'll be fun, we can laugh all the nerdy people and stuff and make fun of how fat and skin hopeless everyone is but on a serious note I genuinely do need to get some Eldar for some games this summer". This approach worked, so we hopped over.

Upon arrival, she loudy said it smelt of sweaty guys, and then went up to a table and started bashing some space marines into each other pretending to make them fight, and generally taking the piss. This made the nerd in me rage slightly, but I was having a good day and it was kina funny, so I played along and let her do her thing.

The strange thing happened when I was buying my new models, and she playfully asked the guy working there what the big deal was with....well, everything.... Drawing upon an infinately limited knowledge of the opposite sex and a few stereotypes apparently based on Lindsay Lohan films, he hilariously tried to compare buying warhammer to buying shoes, in possibly one of the biggest ever acts of social seppuku I have ever witnessed. Seriously, any amount of predictable British comedy based on contrived awkward social situations had nothing on this guy.

There are some parts of your life you should just not mix, I've suffered disasters before when mixing students with scene kids, so I should have probably known better than having to put this poor dude through that ordeal. Now I'm ending the day by watching my dog trying to get his head around the concept of bearded Dragons for the umpteenth time.

Fuckyer

2010-06-09T17:03:00.001+01:00

Exams are over, so I guess I should go get crunk or something...

The Room

2010-05-31T05:05:00.001+01:00

Sometimes, I miss awesome things when they happen. I'm English, so I'm not exactly on the buzzer of the US, where most of the relevant cultural/memeable things occur, so every now and again I'll think I've discovered something cool when it's old meme over there. However, The Room is just so good that even if you have lol'd at it before, even a recap should be welcome. This may even be better than Troll 2.

"Oh high Mark"
"Oh I'm just sitting up here thinking"
"Yeah...maybe you're right...maybe I have one already..."
"It seems to me like you're the exxxxxpert Mark"

lol

Chick Tats

2010-05-28T05:05:00.001+01:00

So recently, at every party I go to, some painfully mainstream girl comes up to me having noticed my tats, gleefully shows me her butterfly/flower/something ghey, and instigates some kina conversation where she will say the following, in no particular order:

1. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would
2. I want to get another, they're like, sooooo addictive
3. I think it's really important that it's something that like, "means something", ya know?

And then, she explains in painfully forced detail that hers is about either:

1. Her ability to overcome all challenges
2. Family/Friendship
3. Believing in yourself/not giving up
4. Her dead dog/sibling/parent/friend

going on in excrutiating detail about said meaning, and explaining the pure bullshit behind such a generic ghey image. Then she asks me about what mine "mean" with wide expectant eyes, at which point I normally chuckle, shrug, and say, "uhh, well I got that one in Finland once this time when I was drunk at this party from some other drunk guy with a needle and some ink, that one was just something my brother drew, thats a band I like, thats a charactor from a video game I thought was cool.......etc)

Now she looks taken aback, and will say something along the lines of "but what if you don't like "video games/those bands/the Finnish when you're older". And I'm like, "whevs, I probably will. In the unlikely event I change massively I'll have a reminder of how awesome I used to be". Then she'll try and agree with me, and say it's cos I'm "care free" or some bullshit, cos she dosen't want to look square.

TBH I prefer the people that come straight for the jugular with "lol, u'll regret ur piercings and tats! Enjoy not getting a job lolololol!!!" than the slimey, "look, I'm just like you, let me lecture you on meaning".

Look, I don't mind you having meaning, just don't think I care, and don't fucking try and force a meaning if you want ink but are scared of saying "I just wanted it" or "thought it looked cool" when people ask. That would at least make you look like less of a pretantious prude when you do.

Firstly, you're limiting what you're gonna get if you're so obsessed with meaning. It's kina hard to find a logical personal rational further than "looks sick" behind something as awesome as this:

But it's a great piece of artwork nevertheless, and has kind of transcended some shakey definition of "meaning". By limiting yourself to something with "meaning" you end up just getting something really vague, and normally very similar to every other annoying student chick with her first tat.

Secondly, your life just isn't that meaningful, at least not to the degree that would justify perminatly marking yourself. Don't try and pretend it is, and don't use this as a reason to justify getting something, especially when the real reason is you just wanted to try it. Don't be ashamed, just do it, and don't feel the need to coat it in bullshit in case someone calls you out on it later.

This isn't meant as some kind of "more alt than thou" snobbery, it's more just an annoyance at a habbit. Pretty sure more student girls do than don't have ink now, or at least a very significant proportion. Just wish they weren't all the same, or that they actually went past the one-generic-object phase.

Reactions to my Tumblr

2010-05-27T05:05:00.000+01:00

ICP vs HU

2010-05-26T13:33:00.003+01:00

Hope the last one's a troll...Love it when fat/ugly nerds who think they're clever get worked up (via most ppl on the internet)

Westburo

2010-05-26T11:38:00.000+01:00

So (Plot Spoiler), it turned out that Dio dies, thus promting lots of rightly deserved tributes all over the bloggesphere, as one would expect. Although I don't really care, I can understand that feelings are running high.

So I guess it's kina sucky that The Westburo Baptist (check out their rather advanced new layout!) church have decided to picket his funeral.

Also very predictably, is the standard explosion of "hur, if they mess with us then thing'll get messy hurrr!", as well as standard "this is what religion does derp!!" internet atheism outcries from the community galore.

My surprise is...why does anyone care? I mean, Westburo Baptist Church is fucking old meme, they've been made fun of, they've been hated, and they've not actually done anything other than be a mild annoyance for years now, and the internet has been chiding them all the way through. Hating them for this is like making fun of black metal.

Objectively this isn't even the most offensive thing they've ever done, seeing as they've done the same thing at US soldiers funerals, and towards post tidal wave New Orleans, which were IMO way more tragic than Dio's death. Still, the metalhead "shit, someone's attacking us, lets mobilize and talk online about how we're gonna kick someones ass!" mentality comes into play and suddenly we're so special.

Just let it go, and fuck them and their religious fevor. They probably have really shitty lives, just let them do their dumb picketing. They obviously love the attention we're giving them, and I doubt anyone's actually gonna get at them (via metal fans being nerdy pussys irl). They'll die off eventually, just don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they effected anything.

Dio's Widow seems to have the right idea.

Friday zaster: Fail Mountain

2010-05-25T11:38:00.000+01:00

This friday involved a myriad of poor life choices from yours truly, starting with drinking vodka while studying in the morning before an exam. What started as a mere swig to simply "take the edge off", grew steadily into many swigs to tackle many edges, and before I knew it, I was DGAF'ing instead of studying, and live-tweeting said downfall.

The exam went pretty poorly, as one may expect, at one point I tried to make myself puke by fingering my throat so I could get out and maybe be able to do it again in a more capable state, but it lead to nothing other than a sharp retching noise, causing some slight attention and embarressment, so I just put my head down and tried my best to regurgitate some kind of knowledge onto the page.

Luckily it was just some bullshit module with little credit worth, so if you were gonna be drunk for any it would be that one, which was lucky. But as most of my uni friends reminded me, apart from my azn, who just giggled, drinking and exams is never good.

After the exam I happened upon a few scene friends I'd not hung out with for a while, and continued to get fucked up in canal street, Manchester's "gay quarter", as the majority of our little group of alts happened ghey/les. It turned into a surprisingly decent day, I made new friends, got drinks bought for me [via Rich(er) Girls] and managed to safely pass out in my bed at 9pm sharp, giving me plenty of time to get my system/head clean for revision the next day.

Also learnt during my travels that one of the scene bros was some kind of minor scene youtube celeb (3006 subs :/), which was kina amusing, via silly pointless vids of ugly English people.

5 unabridged minutes of morbidly obese classless British scene fail: courtesy of "Chloe Carnage"

You don't even know meeeeee!

Also included was the obligatory "stop judgeing us!" video that all internet alts have to have, after getting butthurt when someone calls them gay. Kina redundant, especially seeing as how the internet is just pretty much a big room that you walk into and everyone calls you a fag.

Anyway, apparently the dudes kina embarressed about it now, and dosn't make them, so I might, if I get a chance, try and convince him to start again (via sucking up) just for the hell of it :/. If anything it should produce some more potential lolfests. I ran into him once before very briefly via a mutual friend, and he seemed decent enough, if not a little camp. One of those people who can't really speak without making wild arm movements.

Anyway, speaking of internet things you later regret when you get older, I appear to have found the alt Mclovin on myspace. Amusingly enough it was through a picture comment his girlfriend left on JT Lloyds myspace, saying she was jelous of his girlfriend.

Gross hair? Pre-pubescant mustache? Sideways Piece sign? Hat Tilt? Damn son! You're livin' the dream!

There are too many awesome pics of this wonderful little wigger to choose just one, but anyway, here are some of the best. It's like this guy is a one man edition of Wigged and Confused.

we are all very impressed with your collection of shitty $100 guitars. And your doubel chin pose.

Nomatter how hard they try, some people can never get past the "nerdarms", and that awkward way they hang slightly forward

This'll show her!!! lololol, with the caption "You know who you are".

Everything becomes clear.

Love how myspace is now a pool of dumb poor, often OTW teenagers now. It's like, everyone else left to go to facebook, and now it's been condensed into some kind of internet equivalent of Australia, where all the reprobates and undesirables get shipped off too.

Tumblr is Rectal Anarchy

2010-05-23T14:48:00.002+01:00

I have a tumblr now. Guess this means I can slowly forcefeed my massive folders of internet pictures and sick/funny shit back into the internet like a giant sewage plant.

http://eyelicker.tumblr.com/

Dani's Pokemon Years

2010-05-13T02:54:00.006+01:00

As innocent as this song sounds, I suspect that "microphone", may be a euphomism for something far more unbecomming.

For a while I've faced disbelief/adversity for wanteing to eff Dani over the other 2 Millionaires, with her gigantic forehead and lack of the valuable Japanese geneology that the other 2 so proudly posess.

And indeed, while she she may posess that effable "four finger forehead", and husky tomboyish voice, which is especially bonerworthy whenever she uses the word "boyyyyyyyy", it's hard to keep up the feelin' when pictures like this exist:

It's always horrifying when you see a chick you crush on looking like some kind of bizarre chubby frog thing, staring into a webcam with an expression that can only be described as "chommer"

However, I guess we all have bad days/photos, and my faith is always restored on returning to her final fantasy/pokemon days:

Wish she still looked like this. Sucks how chicks always seem to go through many different "phases", of scene, before "growing up", and ultimately becomming boring/mainstream. I guess this is further evidence of me being some kind of (still pretty young, I think the Millionaires are older than me?) manchild, who just needs to "grow the fuck up". Still, if enough people stay as pokemon, then maybe, less will become boring no fun club hipsters when they hit 21, and be more down to get crunk and non ironically blast FTSKs and Amy Can Flyy while downing jagerbombs, instead of sipping cider while discussing films and their ill informed feeble grasp on politics.

Hilarious Scene Face of the week

2010-05-09T00:04:00.000+01:00

Mark: This Romantic Tragedy

As Sargent D once said, sometimes scene hair = putting lipstick on a pig

I like them rich girls....

2010-04-23T23:42:00.008+01:00

My past week and a half has actually been that song, thanks to the lovely (and loaded) yeahyouknowit from the SYWH fam, and her bank account, who decided to hop over to Manchester last thurday. This was her fucking hotel room!

That TV was the bomb, luckily I had my Aliens DVD on me for some reason, so I could stay up all night loudly reciting "They mostly come at night....mostly...." and "They're in the vents!!!!" preventing YYKI and most likely everyone else on the penthouse floor from sleeping till 3 am.

The next night, friday, my stangry friend Nevchrist came and chilled up, and we were gonna see Millionaires, but instead stayed in drinking jager way too late, missing the show and instead buggering off to Satan's which now lets us back in.

Saturday we saw brokeNCYDE and Jeffree Star in London, laughed at tube stops, and got further crunk. Also, it was disturbing to stand infront of a waddle of fat tween girls screaming at the top of their lungs "FUCK ME, IM A CELEBRITY". No thanks......

Shame that she had to go back, cos the power of me, her and nev was a scene force to behold! I knew she got some jelous looks from many of the regular scene bitches, who are no doubt glad she has gone home ;)

Anyway, life is normal and boring and sucks again, untill the summer, when hopefully going to the Warped tour with the rest of the SYWH fam! Bitches!

I Still buy CDs.......

2010-04-06T12:00:00.000+01:00

I think Americans are beginning to respect British people slightly more. Cheers to bros like Jason Statham, The SAS in Call of Duty, and the "Psycho" bro in Crysis, we seem to be being portrayed less and less as either cowardly villans, ppl who die, or hugh grant, and more as criminals or the SAS.

Think I'm gonna miss always being the villan

As we all know, criminals and the Army = Respect

H8 my parents right now for being baby boomers and fucking up the housing market, the economy, secondary education, wellfare and a ton of other things which means life's gonna be mega hard + mega debtful + dick high houseprices + dick high taxes to pay for the pensions of the same generation that fucked everything up so much, so they can keep living it up and blowing our inheritance. Fuck this, after uni I'm pissing off to America.

Magoo the Masturbating dog remains the best thing in Cinema for decades...

Wormrot is a fucking awesome band. I really wana check them out in some filthy bar in Singapore sometime, if I'm ever there. One of my bff's is Singaporean too, and said I can totally crash his whenevs.

Is it just me, or are scenebros getting more and more inbred hick looking/acting. JT Lloyd, DDC, and following T Mills on twitter is pretty much just an hourly reminder that he smokes dope. I heard you the first time bro. Guess I felt pretty baddass and wanted everyone to know too...when I was like 14. Then again, Americans have always seemed rather "all show and no go" when it comes to drugs and alcohol. Prolly your 21 drinking age which makes you such exhibitionists. #shutupandtakeit. Coke remains the naffest drug going, followed by Methadrone which Hipsters in Manchester seem to have swept up as the wallet friendly coke alternative. Weed clocks in at 3rd, thanks to T Mill's fucking Twitter.

It's the goddamn cutest thing ever when a girl turns you down. Its kina customary to get pissy as hell when this happens, loose all your dignity, and go write awesome deathcore songs. You look like a fucking tool and loose major cred though, chill bro. Most of the time, even if they think they are, they arn't serious about it (within reason, if she starts screaming or running away you should probably let that shit go). MB its like a test or something, whevs. So many awesome memories of chicks trying to "put their foot down" and be serious by turning their face or pushing me away, trying not to smile. Kina sucks to get with someone with zero effort in a way (via "T-Rex wants to hunt, not be fed" #JurrasicParkQuotes). Mb thats why I used to dig chasing girls with boyfriends so much. "No" is a fucking cute word, trumped only by "But I have a boyfriend...". Anyways, a cute as fuck scene balloon recently decided I was the best thing since internet porn, so I'm more than happy to let all that shit go (via srs relationship).

Have done fuck all over the past week but spend 90% of the time procrastinating and playing video games, and the rest studying. I think tomorrow I will diagnose myself with ADD. Fuck.

Brotiems

2010-03-31T01:13:00.006+01:00

Bro moments are the fucking best. Getting stoned and/or drunk (coke is for naff hipsters anyways, all you need is alcohol, weed, and maybe E), playing video games, talking about chicks & music...A good bro time is better than like, 40-60% of all the fucks ever.

Had a few decent bro moments recently, maybe being in a relationship make you appriciate that shit more, whevs. Had my birthday/easter bbq last fri, got waaay stoned and passed out in a bed w/ a bro after listening to Forever the Sickest Kids all night. Decided to make a band.

Saying "lets make a band" is some advanced brodom, even if you never actually do it, or even ever fully intended to. Like saying, I would be happy having you accompany me in a music journey + attracting tons of scene poon together.

Violence is bro

Here is me getting punched by Nev, he has a killer punch, he could probably deck most people.

Punching each other and other forms of jackass type fooling around are a sign of advanced bro-status.

As is getting locked in a small toilet together looking after a severly over-crunk bro

Getting naked in band practices and play raping each other is pretty bro.

Not sure how this happened.....

I went to an all boys school, and remember the "play-bummings" well. It was always the most hetero guys who got with the most chicks who did it too, all the dudes who actually turned out to be gay never joined in. One of my friends was once getting bulled so shouted out "Stop it, you're giving me an erection!". Actually, guess thats why the gay dudes never play raped anyone.....

Back in Lancaster for Easter, tryna study moar + finish the last bits of the deathcore/metal EP I'm making w/ Nev when not getting punched. Probably spending too much time playing video games, considering my next rig upgrade, or laughing at dogs. Whevs.

The Past Week In Images

2010-03-21T18:00:00.009Z

It was my birthday, times were good, SYWH honored the occation, I ate pizza, watched die hard, drank mango vodka, and things were generally good :)

Also went to Alton Towers, a popular UK theme park, with my brother and his girlfriend for the occation too over the weekend. This was ok, the rides were cool and all things considered it wasn't that expensive, but since I last went it seems to have been overcome by poor people and chavs. Seems like the middle classes may have "moved out". Also pretty sure i ran into "Die Antwoort" in the line for Hex, it was very dark though, so couldn't get a photo.

Chick with a fucking mullet!

Bus back was kina a nightmare too, and seemed to have been overrun by the cast of skins, give or take a few years.

Kids these days are fucking annoying. Had to violently push one little fucker in a que to stop him jostling my bros gf.

Is T Mills discretely following my angry friend?

2010-03-08T05:05:00.002Z

I thought the mannerisms on this forumspring question looked too familiar, and then it hit me!

Both of them use question marks instead of saying "question", and both use the word rediculous! The "hah" and "bro", also seem kina indicative of the Millster, so maybe!

Well, probably not, but it's an amusing idea that after reading the damning review that my stangry friend wrote in which he esentially did little more than repeatedly call T Mills a cunt, and that he is somehow inexplicably representative of many bad things, that Mills himself has taken an interest in Nevchrist, and is descretely watching from afar. Indeed, it could be Mills who repeatedly asked of him the question "why are you such a cunt", in some kind of reversal of "cunt", turning his own words against him. I guess it's Nevchrist's move now!

Ask what his next move will be!

FUCKYEAHGERMANY!!!!

2010-03-01T21:55:00.002Z

The yearly WTF?!?! That is Karnival

So a (pretty rich) friend recently paid for me to go to Germany last week for "Karnival", in Cologne, a sick ass German street fest I went to last year. Pretty much twice every year I tend to at some point find myself in Germany, and whenever I'm there it's sheer awesomeness still gets me. Ever since I was 14 it's been like my favorite place ever, I've dated 3 girls there, and I have a ton of friends all over the place too, from Rendsburg to Munich. Here is why Germany rules more that your shitty country, and a few weird/amuzing experiences I've had there:

Da Germanz, Dey Luv Me:
Ok, so this one most likely dosn't apply to you, but I thought I'd include it anyway. Germans fucking love me! Seriously, I have no idea why, I probably pull off some kind of mix of cute foreigner + alt cred + natural cool bonus from being English that applys all over the world. Either way, I do just get on with Germans way better than most non-Germans, even through the (ever diminishing) language barrier. Actually, some Germans fucking hate me, and think I am an annoying asshole, but most I just gel with really well. Kina like marmite with a higher success rate.

Bros:
Some of the guys with the most bro points i've ever met come from Germany. If you follow me on twitter you may have noticed the event where at aformentioned Karnival one of my best German bros was arrested for some kind of vandelism/drunk and disorderly German hybrid equivalent. He did this while fancy dressing as an escaped convict. I can just imagine how hilarious he must have looked in the holding cell.

Props bro, but soon you'll be in a cell and won't get to hit that

Another bro worth mensioning was this dude fro a foreign exchange back in high school, who was probably the best argument for Nazi Germany i've ever met. Taller than six foot, blue eyes, blond hair, with the muscle formation of a black man, pretty much straight from a Hitler youth propagada poster. During the course of the exchange, he dominated the assault course, broke up a fight at a party, carried about 2 thirds of all the components needed when we had to build a raft (out of a team of 6), and on the last night broke his previous stone cold a-sexual vibe by getting with the hottest girl around, this Polish chick who everone else had been breaking their backs trying to get her attention, after she had been comming on to him the whole night. When he left, my brother refered to him as "The only person I've ever loved" (no homo). And my brother hates everyone.

Bromances that will last a lifetime (no homo)

Girlz:
German girls are the fuckin' shit! From their stone cold veneer hiding a playful center that just wants to get out, their subdued Randy vibes carefully obscuered beneath well kept side swept hair, the dissaproving looks they give you when you do anything silly.

Also remember this girl from a year or so ago when me and one of my firends were chilling in a bar there, we'd just got off the plane so were kina knackered, and although everyone else was dancing we were content to just lean on the bar and drink and "play it cool". Then out of the blue this textbook German chick comes out of no where wanting to dance and says, "Hallo? Es ist Partyzeit!!". This ones for you, semi drunk German party girl!

Also, there was this fucking crazy dude there we met through a friend who told us about all the money he had made selling knifes and drugs to school children, yet was also politically aware as hell, and expressed his thoughts on how the German judicial system was too easy on repeat offenders. I'm not sure if he was aware of the irony of this, or whether it was the beginnings of some kind of lengthy diatribe on how he "is a product of the system", but anyway, shows you how even the criminals in Germany are of a higher class than in other places.

Man Chorus:
The horror. More or less every national pride type song involves the sound of burly men singing together.

There is no escaping this song...or Hohner's mustashe

Mums/MILFS:
For some reason, German mums are the most down to party demograph over there. They love to dance, get tipsy, and giggle at stuff. On one foreign exchange trip I actually got on better with my host's mum than her, and spend one awesome evening just chilling out with her, drinking their expensive wine, and waxing philosophical about life, getting gradually more and more drunk.

Also brings back horrific memories from some street party in Kiel, watching a large crowd of middle aged German women dancing together, being DJ'd to by some handle bar mustached middle aged dude who kept saying "I vant to fack!".

Large Men:
Germans are in General, large people. I don't mean this in the morbidly obese sense of the word, as their general lifestyle and eating habits are way healthyer than the UK/US. They are just kina scaled up. Like the time me and a friend realised we were the shortest people in a club (including the females), or the time I was in a bathroom and had to tip toe to get my cock in the urinal. There are still shorties about, but just a hell of a load of Aryan giants too. I don't know why this is a good thing, but it is funny in a strange kind of way.

Two giant gruff men once called me and my friend gay (in a jovial fasion) once after we left a large heart shaped chocolate at their table. It was hilarious and intimidating at the same time. It didn't help that the chocolate said "Ich Liebe Dich" (I love you).

Beer:
German beer fucking rocks. End of. If you disagree you are wrong and/or American, and thus weaned on piss weak shit you can't even legally get fucked up on untill you're 21.

wtf?!?!?

Scene Kids:
Not only is Germany home to a large selection of scene cuties!

But also this odd lesbo, back from my very first ever post!

So there, Germany, with its eccentric quirkyness and odd traditions, rulez d00d! If you have any other pro experiences there, let me know! I'm sure that regular German commenter in these parts, Grobiwonder, will refute my claims of Germany's sheer brilliance, via the "the place I come from fucking sucks" mentality, but he is wrong. Germany > UK <3!!!

2010-02-25T02:06:00.000Z

I Join Stuff You Will Hate! First post up nao!

2010-02-22T12:45:00.002Z

It's no small fact that I propper dig SYWH, and am super syked to have been asked to write for them. As a scene kid on the older end of the young spectrum, and a person with reasonable intellegence, I feel that the blog speaks directly to me, and thus can't think of any better continuation of my blogging prowess.

But yeah, peep my debut post up right now, which was originally gonna be on here, but now I guess found a better outlet, about Hurry! Let's Go and my belated scene valentines playlist. I'll still keep Hyperviolence going, just syphon all my scene content into SYWH i guess.

Anyway, super stoked! Crunk tiems!

Haters gon' hate' ;)

2010-02-11T00:54:00.004Z

I feel pretty legitamised right now. Kina like the thrill that dot dot curve must get every time some internet nerd calls them fags, or the feeling that Scene Girl Reviews: Judge 7", must have brought. This genuinely made me lol and feel awesome about myself!

If Only: Scene Jersey Shore

2010-02-06T21:41:00.014Z

So recently I've been tots getting into this awesome US reality show, Jersey Shore. The basic premise, for everyone who is not American, is fill a house with those funny orange people you probably know from various internet pictures, and just let them do their thing, knowing that their natural stupidity/ego/lack of self awareness will lead to some mad entertaining situations and some absolutely pro quotes.

From what I gather, the program gets quite a lot of flak for being kind of low brow (lets face it, The Wire it ain't) like all reality shows do. I mean yeah, most do suck, and are generally boring as hell, but something about Jersey Shore actually strikes me as genuinely quite decent TV. Although I can only really speak from an English perspective on the subject, most of the reality shows here suck so much because the people are generally just shit boring and are either focused on too much or not enough. Plus there's something about stupid English people talking to the camera that just tanks.

This qualifys as highlights, no fighting, no drinking, no fist pumping, no orange

But yeah, the way Jersey Shore pans out actually works really well, other reality shows take note!

Firstly, it's a given that you actually hate everyone, and you do, for at least the first hour or so. The makers have pretty much banked on this, combining the natural prejudice against reality show contestants with the universal hatred/mockery of "Guidos" (a phenomena I am yet to experience first hand, although am totally thinking about hitting up the Jersey Shore sometime). They begin by exploiting the Guidos natural guidishness, showing them packing their cars with rediculous amounts of hair products, fake tan, whey protein, and other such artifacts of Guid.

However, as things progress, personality's further than "I work out 5 times a week and I like to parrrtttyyyyyy!" begin to emerge, as well as various amusing conflicts and relationships. So far this sounds kina standard, but there is something about the setting, the sheer egos and aggression involved, and the general hilarious stupidity of most involved that make Jersey Shore hella more entertaining than any other reality show I've seen before. The characters, while their likability and integrity may be rather questionable, do play off each other in a very entertaining way, and they do manage to actually go through with some decent drama fodder such as fighting and bringing chicks home on the regular. One episode of Jersey Shore has probably more drama content than an entire series of Big Brother or any other UK pseudo-celebrity snooze fest. And that's another thing, the UK tends to use reality shows as a vehicle for the same old dull celebs to tred water in an endless cycle of public mockery and Heat magazine type fame, instead of delving into the actual public, where you can find people who are far more interesting to watch, before the fame gets to them and renders them shit boring. (For this reason kina skeptical about season 2 of Jersey Shore).

So anyway, I was thinking, while Guidos and their drama makes for all kinds of amusing TV, there's another group of people who are that much more real to me, that could also do all this crazy shit and make some silly show with it! Scene Kids of course! While it could quite easily just end up being a group of depressive lamos hanging around on stickam on their parent's macbooks pouting for various photoshoots in a bid to try and look much more fun than they actually are, I think the mix of well known scene "characters" I have drafted up (with some pointers from the esteemed yeahyouknowit) shall ensure that a full, drama filled time will be had by all involved!

After running it by VH1 on Friday I've been assured we can start filming this fall, for an early 2011 release date! So here are my ideas for the most explosive mix of scene fgts for my new reality show "Crunk Shore":

T Mills (autotuned crunk fgt)

So yeah, this was probably the most obvious choice, seeing as how much I love this prick and his god awful/awesome brand of super auto tuned crunkcore. Partly I just wana put the bro to the test, and see if he can "walk the walk". I guess I kina expect him to be like the scene "The Situation" (with scene kids, tats are the equivalent of the Guido's abs), and live up to his lyrics of pulling "Rich Girls" and the like. Although I always wondered, looking like he does, I'm sure he would have a hard time getting most rich girls to take him seriously (and most human beings in general), seeing how the girls he describes sound painfully mainstream, instead of the "alt hoes" you would expect. Then again, i guess he can probably pull the old "bad ass" trick, which can snare boring girls for roughly a week before the novelty wears off.

Mellisa Millionaire (Millionaires)

A female counterpoint to T Mills, and a scene girl who actually gets the concept of fun. She would totally hit the town every night, to, if Millionaires lyrics are anything to go by, break hearts and take names! Plus I think it would be pretty amusing to see her puking into the toilet every morning, bits of regurgitated pizza getting caught in that lovely big hair. There could also be a special episode where the rest of the Millionaires girls come up, and T Mills and Se7en go retarded running around trying to impress them, while Kiki gets all butthurt over the lack of attention and breaks a plate or something.

Se7en (brokeNCYDE)

Do I really need to explain this one? Also needs to be put to the test, to see if he gets as crunk as he says he does.

Kikikanibal (internet brat)

So while people who are actually fun and likable are all good, I thought it would also be necessary to throw in a self obsessed drama queen to be a general bitch/hate figure. After every dude in the house hits on her relentlessly before getting sick of her bullshit, she would then start to have regular stress outs whenever the dudes bring any new chicks home. Would also probably have long emotional session with the other girls and tell them how they're "like a sister to me", before turning on same girl when they talk to the wrong guy or actually try and have fun because she's just being an annoying little bitch.

Johnny 3 Tears (Hollywood Undead)

While he isn't really overtly "scene", and more "wigger" (although the two are closely linked) I figured the house would need at least one dude who would be up to genuinely throwdown when some drunk dude in a club starts flicking Mill's lobes or leering all over Kiki. Plus he would probably at some point in every conversation say shit like "You don't know what hardcore is! I was in prison dammit!!" and be a source of other such lolquotes. I'm pretty much banking on him starting fights when they go out, based purely on HU's "scummier than most" image.

Amor Hilton (Internet brat/Model)

Would probably assert that she is "above" all this, not have fun, try and act like she thinks intelligent people act, make a fool of herself, and get pregnant about a week or so in.

Dahvie Vanity (Blood On The Dancefloor)

As much as I dig BOTDF, I can't help strongly dislike this bro for being chubby, socially awkward, creepy as hell, and possessing of the annoying type of Jeffry Star (who I genuinely hate) esque self obsessed narcissism. Basically a male counterpoint to kiki, but without being attractive enough to back it up. Who knows, maybe he is actually kind of fun irl, but he strikes me more as the type to creep all over drunk girls before proclaiming an eventual grope/passed out make out as "scoring". I would love to see him hastily appologise and backtrack like hell with that eerie soft voice of his though when someones boyfriend takes issue with his creeptastic ways.

Kristen Randell (Winds of Plague)

Although I actually know fuck all about her personality, I sense she would probably be one of the more down to earth ones, whos purpose would be to protect Mellisa from drunken rape/hold Johnny back/make Dahvie leave chubby underage girls alone/tell kiki to get the fuck over herself. Kind of like a mediating influence on everyone else's irresponsibility. I have no idea why I think this is what she'd do, it's just the vibe I get. Also, peep the first Google image result of her name (via scene boobage).

Any more ideas?

Jodie Marshe's anal demon tail tattoo....

2010-01-27T19:37:00.002Z

This is why i prefer to date European chicks....

Some doozies from my youtube

2010-01-26T20:54:00.006Z

Exams still be a bitch, and I'm in a total state of cba right now, but whevs.

Displacement activity of the moment was getting a twitter account, which has proved to be surprisingly addictive, seeing as it's pretty much just facebook with nothing but a status. Anyway, it's already proved to be worth it's weight in gold, allowing me to see pictures of Hatebreed's Jamey Jasta at the dentist. ("Hey, dentist, can you just stop what you're doing and photo me, it's for my twitter! Oh, did you know I'm the singer of Hatebreed!?"). Actually, the whole idea of people like Jasta doing normal things like the dentist strikes me as rather bizarre. I guess that's part of the whole "celebrity" thang that makes me interested in watching him at the dentist, if for the general surreality if nothing else. I'd love to see all my favorite members of hardcore bands at the dentist, because that's the kind of thing twitter is all about! Actually, everyone except S.O.D's Dan Lilker. Those strange tiny baby teeth freak me out.

Anyway, I'm on motherfucking twitter!, so follow the shit out of me, so I can tell my friends that I'm "Big In America".

Sleep pattern mega fucked too, after staying up till five last night shooting the shit with yeahyouknowit, keut NYC sceneybopper, contributor to SYWH, and all round general blog BFF! You should follow her on twitter too, cos shes hyperchill (and kina creepy in an awesome way ;) ) - N.B. fuck, how are you meant to close brackets after an emoticon?!

Anyways, this general getting deeper into the murky world of the internet led me to return to my youtube and bring it up to speed with my 2k10 personal brand, and in doing so relive a few pro awesome memories that I'd kina like to share with you.

Firstly, here is my German teacher's dog playing "In The Arm's of Perdition" by Despised Icon in my kitchen. This is why you should never let any alt kid look after your pet, for he WILL make it cover deathcore drums.

Poor old Charlie spends the majority of the time trying not to fall asleep, and captures perfectly that common dog expression of "I'm not sure what's going on here, but here I am..."

"What is this I don't even...!"

Anyways, it's kina long, but check out, if anything, the "GO!" at the beginning, and the sheer confusion on Charlie's face during the end breakdown. I wish it weren't so, but this is actually not the first time scene kids have made helpless animals suffer our terrible music.

Another pretty sick vid was this compilation I made of all the best moments from pornstar Evan Stone's depiction of "Captain Edward Reynolds", from the film "Pirates XXX" (Incidentally, the most expensive porn flick ever made, until the sequel, Pirates II: Stagnetti's revenge). The film is pretty much a total lolfest throughout, thanks mainly to Evan Stone's fantastic overacting, next to the stony faced, glazed over delivery of everyone else. It's unintentionally become a great bro-film that you watch with bros together, and Evan stone is a complete hero/legend to quite a few of my friends now. I think his biggest talent is the ability to put a "y", in almost any word, making it sound fever pitch smug. i.e "Cyock", "Cyanons", "Pyyyirates".

"Evil dosen't stand a chance against these twin hellfire cyyyyanons!"

And finally to top it of, one of my drunk metalhead friends dancing to brokeNCYDE at Wacken. I love it when people get it, and this guy totally got it :) <33333

...by the way, yes, that is me singing along...

Pig Destroyer: Grindcore is Love

2010-01-25T23:19:00.004Z

I know most of the time most coverage of things on blogs and magazines and sites comes down to slating stuff, and at best, affectionate mockery, but some things are, to me, just beyond fucking with. Case in point, Pig-Fucking-Destroyer.

I love this band with passion way beyond ever fucking with them in the slightest, not that I believe they even have anything that can be fucked with. They are just all round tight as fuck.

While most bands write about silly shit like how little they understand science and how jealous they are of their ex's boyfriend, Pig Destroyer write poetry grade lyrics about life and love and generally get how fucked up you feel down to a tee.

So anyway, peep my essay-like piece for reverse current on pig destroyer and their depiction of love, and while you're there check the awesome new Reverse Current Layout!

Thy Art is Murder: Natural Speakers

2010-01-24T15:15:00.010Z

Further to my previous post hocking TAIM, I did a similar one on Reverse Current the other day, featuring the most redundant studio report ever, with possibly the most incredible display of charm and charisma ever seen from a death metal band. In this report, "Graz and Sean" tell us that it's "straight up....fast.....and errrrrrrrr, pretty evil".

Like all good speechmakers, they begin by lighting the mood with a joke. The old "oh hi!, didn't see you there!" used by children's TV presenters the world over. Sean is pleased with himself for this, and makes a strange self satisfyed squirming motion, accentuated by a bizarre nod at nothing....

...Before settling into a shit eating grin...

While Graz picks up the pace with his trademark captivating speech voice, already known as the "Obama of Australian deathcore".

I think after Sean says that he plays guitar though he triggers some kind of repressed childhood memory, as he pulls the most evil creepy stare ever, where he looks somewhere between crying and strangling his girlfriend...

He holds this eye contact with the camera for an unsettling amount of time, which gets pretty unnerving after a while.

At about 0:30, Graz makes the mistake of letting Sean speak again, resulting in him dying in the room...

"...and its errrrrr, pretty much just, errrrrr straight up heavy, fast, and errrm, pretty, err, pretty evil"

Graz once again swoops in to save him with his Australian charms, while Sean pauses to think about what he's done...

Unfortunately, not even his best efforts can last in more that 5 seconds of monotonous monosylabic expression, and he soon dies as well, leaving them both with nothing to do but go and escape to the world of Pro Tools...

Well I don't know about you, but that's got me really looking forward to the album!!!!

Teen Hearts singer gets pissy, Bro status revoked untill further notice

2010-01-21T15:46:00.001Z

As you may know if you follow LATFH, you will have noticed that Kelly, the thick rimmed glasses wearing nerd-hipster thing, has recently made a massive cunt of himself, a la Don Campan on Metal Inquisition, by getting all butthurt about the slightest bit of mockery.

If you don't know Teen Hearts, they play a kind of rather bland innofensive brand of screamo crunk type fair, most likely due to them being more indie hipster than scene kid, and thus trying to be like brokeNCYDE falls kina flat. They arn't paticularly great, ok i guess, but nothing worth getting mega crunk too. Maybe track 3 or 4 on a "Pre-gaming crunk hits" mix CD. Their big thing was they once supported that preening narcissist Jeffery Star at some point.

Matt looks like a total bro, and I'd totally get with Charity if she didn't mind me not being a hipster fgt, but Kelly and Max can fuck right off

What gets me is how seemingly unprepared he was for what was a slight amount of not even that overtly negative mocking. All it was was the embedded video with “We’re basically an adult contemporary version of Brokencyde.”, as the caption, yet thick rims McFucknuts see's this as deeply offensive. I don't get how as an autotuned pop punk band you can go fucking anywhere without being mocked and laughed at round every corner. I mean the world fucking hates it! Yet Kelly seems to have eluded the thick skin everyone else has developed.

Spanky from DDC wouldn't have anything to sing about if it wasn't for the "haters", and ask brokeNCYDE and they'll tell you they couldn't care less, in one way or another. Awesome quote from Mikl when I interviewed them ages ago "It's not that hard to go somewhere else". Crunkcore seems to pretty much revel in the attention of the "haters", almost to the extent where it's like a seal of authenticity. One of the main themes in pretty much everyone's songs from Millionaires to Hollywood Undead is, "Hate on us all you want, we don't give a shit cos we're having fun". Yet Kelly's gone and fucked with the program, and gone and whined like a little bitch.

Also, even though "faggot" has long since been de-classified to generic insult and has no real homophobic stigma, his use of the word Nigger seems kina tasteless. Probably a racist, lets pretend he is so he becomes a more ideal hate figure. A lot of these middle class hipster types are anyway, so it figures. Kina nicely brings me onto an old classic youtube video, which me and a friend recently re-discovered and thought was lol-worthy enough to post.

Kelly's existance is a strong argument for this guy's stance

Found this other video too that goes with it, where some people shout at each other and no agreement is reached, kina seems to be what always ends up happening on American news programmes. You guys seem to have lost the whole "objective relaying of information", thing.

Fox News: Gaining a better understanding of the world's problems by shouting at them.

Of course this is a world away from the sedate, soft spoken news in the UK, where the most emotion we've ever been exposed to is Trevor McDonald's slight hint of a smile, on signing off after his half century career in the news, only to sit depressingly in solitude.

Br00tl Smiles creates autotuned crunkboxcore

2010-01-19T13:04:00.002Z

I fuckin' love Gears of War, and the Torque bow is like my favorite weapon!

Let it Snow: lolengland, and The Acacia Stain providing epic moments

2010-01-15T09:55:00.010Z

I was recently hanging out with some bros, sitting on a sofa curled up so my stomach was all folded like a pillow, and my tight All Shall Perish T Shirt had ridden up to a degree where a slight amount of flesh was visable, when one of my friends peeped me and said, "hey, have you put on a little weight over the last year? Sure you used to be skinnier". At that very moment, a terrible, life altering, quite frankly momentous realization hit me. The past year of student diet, general complacency, and exam pre-occupation had made one of my greatest fears become reality; and at that moment, I became a male scene balloon............

With this incredible realization, I knew I had to start running again on the regular, and eating less, to regain the definition I once had, or consign myself to an eventual fate as a Tank.

If you're English, you will have noticed that recently it's been snowy as shit, causing our ill-prepared infrastructure to have all kinds of problems, and society in general to begin to decay like that Jericho show or something, as well as the news having been transformed into a collection of aerial shots of snow, interspersed with the odd old person complaining about slipping over or something.

So anyway, the other day I took to the canal near my house for a run, which had been transformed into a beautiful frozen winter wonderland, with the new Acacia Strain, Continent, on my mp3 player. Midway through, when I was in the fucking zone, and listing to the awesome "JFC" (Jesus Fucking Christ), I felt baddass as anything, powering throught the snow growling "I AM THE END OF THE WORLD!!!" like it was a montage in the hardcore version of Rocky or something. This feeling of hardcore inspired baddassery only built, untill the awesome instrumental "The Behemoth" at the end of the album made me have to pause, check the path both ways, forwards and back, and then start throwing down, mid run...

Only now, upon reflection, being no longer "in the fucking zone", can i begin to imagine how hilarious I looked. Imagine watching a jogger suddenly stop, make sure there's no one about, and suddenly out of the blue start windmilling and throwing moves.......fuck!

Anyway, all the snow's just begun to melt, leading to puddles and mud and shit all over my winter wonderland, which was a bitch when I walked my dog this morning, cos I'd only just cleaned my high-tops!

Studying like a motherfucker as planned, and listening purely to Emmure and The Acacia Strain for inspiration. Also started a new game on Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped, which I forgot how awesome it was. This time I'll be sure to collect all the gems and relics, as I never had the patience/methodical boringness to do so when I was 10 or whatever.

As for yeahyouknowit's inquiry to my baldness and its general incompatibility =/= with scene aesthetic, I find that it depends on how I'm dressing. Sometimes I find I look like some kina "NYHC" type bro, or token wigger in deathcore bands

However, it's when I'm dressing slightly more flamboyant [via hightops, silly bright coloured t shirts et al] that thing get a little bit more interesting. I kina look a bit like this guy I saw in some alt porn the other day:

I guess I'll have to wait until after the exams before I can gauge a decent reaction when I start going out again. [via macking on local Manchester scene chicks]

Has anyone else ever begun hxc dancing in the middle of a completely unrelated activity?
Anyone want to recomend me some good jamz for running/working out in general? (anything goes)

New year, New approach

2010-01-12T07:05:00.005Z

One of my Manchester student friends, recently, upon learning about my new skin hairway, posted the following on my facebook with a link to this tune by up-and-coming UK grime artist "Devlin":

"Now that you're bald, this wigger is like youu! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L4iH89tjAM

When are you back in manc? x"

I used to date a girl who lived in a place like this, pretty accurately conveys the vibe of, "fuck, I can feel my soul dying..."

Had to admit I was rather taken aback by the condemnation of wiggerdom on some dude simply for being white and rapping. He seems like a reasonably down to earth kina bro, and beyond the odd hand gesture, nothing really to sound the wigger alarm on. And the style's pretty quintessentially British, the dude doesn't really seem to be under any pretenses. Plus he captures a really genuinely English feel, added to by the further Jam; "London City":

"Blood, Sweat and Beers!"

So I had to grant him "notawigger", and put down my friends claim down to poor education on what a wigger is, and general middle class snobbery at chavy grime artists. So I refuted her claim, and instead linked her to that infamous Winds of Plague video (I've already spammed the hell out of "Day of Mourning" over FB), reminding her whats up.

In a way metal wiggers are "purer" than rap wiggers, in that there is in general next to no black influence in the scene anyway, making it pretty much a complete anomaly no one saw comming. At least rap is heavily black anyway, so you can kina make allowances for white dudes acting "black".

When it comes to metal/slam wiggers, no one goes further than the critically acclaimed Newyorkment. If you need further reminding on the way things are, look no further than this educational video featuring the wigger slam visionaries, on why metal that isn't slam is totally ghey.

I agree, most old skool shit does suck balls!

Also, if you haven't already, peep their myspace, which is absolutely fucking hilarious.

Anyhow, back to the subject of Grime, if Devlin puts a face on London, closer to home I got M16 reppin' Manchester. M16 is the area code for Moss Side, one of the more notorious areas. Much like how 3OH!3 are named after the phone area code or something of where they're from, this group would appear to be grimes answer to the 3OH!3. Oh, and they also look about 12.

Often, when asked to describe Manchester, I refer to it as "Like London, but without the good bits"

Manchester's also now apparently the most dangerous city in England, with like the highest gun and knife crime. Also, factoring in the population, it has a higher rate of burglary than Baltimore.

So there you go, Grime, and how grim Manchester can be...

Managed to get "In the Zone", for the January exams. Shut out all my friends, even London chick, despite things no longer being as "south", as in my last post. Shes dropping out of uni there now anyway, so glad as fuck that shes moving back up North again. She was living in one of the most soul destroying grimy places you can imagine also pretty accurately portrayed in the community outcast video, I'm surprised a rich little maltstream girl even lasted as long as she did.

Grime and Donk seem to be a good fertile new place to take this blog, now that I'm shit bored of the much used scene/crunkcore/deathcore approach. At least now it's something closer to home. Living next to Longsight, an equally notorious area of Manchester, I could even see if I can give some kind of interactive window into the world of English grime. Oh, and one of the gangs is called the Gooch Close Gang. LOL

New year and Classifying the hxc pit

2010-01-08T04:44:00.010Z

New year and did y'all make any keut new resolutions? I cba'd with all that, but I did rather spontaneously shave my head for jokes on New Years Day. No real reason, guess I was kind of bored with hair. Anyway, now I've pretty much tried every single length of hair within the scope of being an alt post-adolescent male. Yet to gauge a social reaction yet, due to it being exam period once again, and I'm shut in being lonely. Although this does mean I'll prolly post more, after my half month hiatus, in which I was chillin' with family/friends/small dogs, and doin' stuff for Reverse Current. Tryna get in "the zone" where I do nothing but study like a motherfucker, although somewhat fucked that up last night by hanging out with some friends in my frount room and lighting a swell fire, reflecting on life and being "deep". Shits also gone totally south with my London chick atm, so at least I won't have that distracting me now. Hopefully this year I'll find some fresh new maltstream chick to go retarded over. Yeah, that's my new years resolution. Go malt-tarded again.

Anyhow, due to having a wide neck, I now resemble a thumb, and actually look quite genuinely like serious business with my new found lack of hair. I imagine that my public perception will go from the "chill fun crunk dude", due to my old blonde streaked fringecut:

To threatening creepy deathmetal skinhead dude:

Due to the general incompatibility of screamo crunk and being a "skin", I imagine most people will now downplay that side of me, and probably socially re-employ me as token tough grimy guy.

Another reason I haven't blogged for a while is that nothing really seems that interesting anymore in the "scene". Shits got all stagnated and everything remains pretty done before and embarrassingly lacking in self awareness. Technical shits got too nerdy and boring, Deathcores too slow and not technical enough, and Screamo Crunks kina going to shit [via getting too popular and becoming a "parody of itself"]. I guess I'm just sitting tight until the world gets hit by
"deathcore 2.0", or alternatively "crunkcore 2.0". Due to the helical nature of subculture I imagine there could be a massive resurgence of something resembling "true" metal attitude more closely, but hey, who knows, till them I'm gonna get out and jam Rap again (no more annoying white kids).

Emmure came to Manchester recently, which led to a wonderful gathering of post entry level hxc wiggers, and people having aggressive conversations almost always culminating in "...you shouldn't have been in the pit then if...". I was overjoyed when a friend (some entry level chick there for Caliban), said that they were like everything I am in band form, a great compliment seeing as I'm not even from Connecticut! Also noticed several subclasses in hardcore dancer while I was there.

Most amusing was the "Tank", a ginormous fat dude who stands in the middle like an island and moves his arms round in a roughly 1/8 speed windmill. Due to his size and general air, others generally avoid him, giving him ample girth in the middle to complete his curious slow rotations. I imagine that if you were hit by one of those things it would be an experience akin to having your car slowly barged by a large truck.

He's calm now, but at some point tonight when Samantha and Miranda stop distracting him, he'll start swinging, and when he does, fucking move!

Next we have the "default" option, the generic mosh warrior. A veteran of many shows, he does it all, even the surprisingly high kicks. He even thinks he's invented a few moves, and probably practices at home every morning. Usually instigates shit, which is always helpful, and approaches the hall with his crew and an attitute to "tear shit up"! They also seem to often curiously enter pits with a backpack, which seems silly if it contains anything. The aggressive ones pause to gauge your reaction if they hit you, and if you make any move to react, will square off to you, and a situation culminating in the familiar "...you shouldn't have been in the pit then if...", will ensue.

Here some fledgeling warriors giving up some valuable secrets of the trade. Keep it up boys!

The "fgt" generally waits at the side like a pleb, and being too small/intimidated/female, usually isn't really sure what to do, so generally makes a few awkward movements and draws attention with their embarrassing self awareness. Doesn't do much if you hit them, other than retreating slightly back into their tight knit knot of small kids huddled at the side. May gain confidence if the energy level dwindles, and maybe even transcend the group.

Occasionally, a fgt will think "fuck this shit" and fucking let rip with the rest, becoming a nublet. Essentially cannon fodder that gets decked by the warriors, but still has fun and comes out feeling tough and full of relevance and self worth. If they keep it up they may even transcend the ranks from fgt - nublet - warrior, and them later maybe even tank if they eat enough.

So yeah, thems your main 4.

A hapless Indian tries to swim away as he is dragged under a tank: A warning of what happens if you get too close.

It's pretty cold in here, but i'll be home soon

2009-12-16T14:47:00.007Z

First Tuesday in ages haven't hit the town with my altbro from the despised icon post a bit back, which kina sucks, cos we got to the point where we pretty much own this popular scene club in town. Be back after the Christmas holidays and January exams in full force to reclaim our territory, plus there's this scene cutie in there who must be the hottest thing around who i totally need to get with. He's an Illustation of how it might be my altbro drew up, based on the popular video game Pokemon:

Kina insulted he only gave me 20HP, what the fuck am I? A level 2 Rattata?

I especially love how he gave me a fringe and new era cap (with sticker), on top of an existing "meme" image, lotta thought and love :)

Planning on relaunching our band soon as well, as just the two of us, seeing how thanks to the internet, you can actually do pretty well without playing live or apparently even having any albums, so long as you have enough of a "Keut" personal brand going. Just peep J Bigga and Dot Dot Curve and all that stuff, and goddamn Senor Bivins! So long as you have a sick ass myspace, twitter, and some cool merch, and put yourselfs out there as being "fun ass guise who are down 2 party", i'm pretty sure the internet will gobble you up. Be interesting to see if it works for death metal/deathcore though, actually yeah, Disfiguring the Goddess/Big Chocolate pulled it off!

Plus me and him work totally fly together anyway whenever we go out, He's the tough ass serious muscular metalhead in black, and I'm the cutesy playful scene one in happy colours, (its a similar dynamic to Baz and Jeremy on GTA 4's "The Men's Room"), and chicks eat that combo right up, so online should hopefully be no different. Add to that that we can both play guitar to an absolutely fucking wizard level, crack out some sick ass DM vocals, and have a ton of awesome equipment/recording know how, and I think it really could work! Be the death metal dot dot curve!

Also began to write for a new metal blog, Reverse Current, after Headbang died. Yeah, I know metal blogs are like, ubiquitous to the max, and metal fans reviewing metal is pretty boring usually, but at the same time, because of all our industry contacts built up from HB, it means lots of free shit and gigs for me, and even fucking backstage at festivals, so I be doing it! Plus I will never say no to the opportunity to voice my obnoxious opinion. Gonna try and not be as elitist as most metal blogs, and not hate on fucking everything as well, so hopefully that'll make it semi different. Go peep that shit!

Every single metal blog out there, personified

Looking forward to Christmas back home in Lancaster like OMG! Chilling with my uber sarcastic brother and playing PS3 to the max. Maybe my London maltstream girl'l be around and down to hang out. That'd be fucking perfect :D

Wish I had more to say, realized haven't posted here for a while, and so this one was kina forced, and looking back seems to kind of resemble a end of season clip show like the Fresh Prince of Bell Air would often do. Catch ya round.

Set Your Goals covering Lil' Jon

2009-12-04T05:35:00.003Z

Could this be the most wiggerific song going right now. Me thinks so. Listen to this before you go out and I guarentee you'll be droppin' fools left right and center, and grindin' the finest shorties. As you can see it's from some album called "Punk goes Crunk", also featuring such awesome shizz as Scary Kids Scaring Kids covering Notorious B.I.G, Forever the Sickest Kids covering Men in Black, Lorene Drive playing that sick ass Outkast song, and the Devil Wears Prada song two posts below.

Thy Art Is Murder, and Mysogyny in death metal/deathcore

2009-11-29T21:13:00.005Z

It's not often i like to plug bands I dig. For one, that's what pretty much everyone on the internet/world seems to be doing, whereas I prefer to do what the remainder of people do, which is sit back and make snarky discouraging comments and attempt to spot the latest emerging trends. I also rarely mention metal on this blog that much either, instead seeming to cover screamo crunk through the irony lens, much like a 17 year old dabbling in homosexuality. So yeah, I admit that simply plugging music you like is boring, nerdy, and stupid.

I haven't actually ever clicked play on this video, I just saw the thumbnail and already was thinking "shut the fuck up you chubby little fuck"!

However, I fucking love Thy Art Is Murder so much I wana bum them all. They play some mad sick technical deathcore, with the sickest breakdowns, some mad shredding, hella tight blastbeats, double bass drums out their anus, FUCKING SLAM RIFFS, pig squeals, pro high and low vocals, and pretty much everything I like about metal and makes me squirm with glee. If I could be in any band right now it would be them (actually, fuck that, it would be Blink 182 so I could actually make some money).

I even ordered their EP, which never arrived, fucking Aussies.

Also found this vid of their best song, "Infinite Death", with the lyrics, holy fuck!

I fuck your daughters
Hack them up
Kill them one by one
The taste of pure slut is all that keeps me here
Lock up your doors
Lock up the sluts
Lock up their cunts

Everything I want I fucking own
My life revolves around fucking possession
Everything that I own I just posses to dismember
They love to watch themselves hacked apart

All their limbs will be removed

Enter the mind of a psychopath
Where girls remain possessions

Do you love what I have done?
Raping just for the fun

Have I lost my mind?
For becoming who I am
Its all your fucking fault
Dumb bitches fuck they don’t understand
This world does not revolve around them

All your limbs will be removed with tedious precision
What’s left is fucking useless but still breathing

Each breath feeds them as they chew flesh

My conscience escapes me when I feel the warm insides of sluts

All your limbs will be removed

I live two separate lives
I’m hiding in disguise
Seek and you’ll fucking find
I live two separate lives
Hidden from their fucking eyes

I hunt in secret
I hunt in silence

I stalk my prey in secret
Watch them waste away

Yeah, I know it's pretty tame for most, Devourment would fucking school these guys on hating chicks, but there's something very innocent and childlike about the hatred that I find quite endearing and can relate to. I can even imagine writing them myself in a low moment, although I'd probably come back the next day and go "fuck! what was I thinking?!" like i normally do. The:

"Have I lost my mind?
For becoming who I am
Its all your fucking fault
Dumb bitches fuck they don’t understand
This world does not revolve around them"

sounds particularly adolescent heartbreak, I can almost Imagine one of them sobbing it into his pillow, while angrily scrawling it onto an A4 notepad. The fact that this probably happened in an Australian accent also makes me lol.

Hating on chicks is pretty entry level, although it's easy to see why it goes hand in hand with metal. There's no need to elaborate on that at all it's so fucking obvious. It's pretty much the metal way to be emo. And while it's easy to mock something like this when all's cool, most of us will often want to turn to this stuff when we get fucked over by some chick.

From about 14-18, like most dudes, i was severely and repeatedly played, probably worst than most, the worst case i can recall right now when a girl i'd already got with invited me to come stay with her in Finland, before ditching me more or less as soon as I was off the plane to go hangout with some other friends, more or less abandoning me there. Luckily I had other friends in the city, so managed to scrape together an ok holiday out of it, but fuck! It's easy to see why I gravitated towards death metal. I remember repeatedly watching this Carnifex video when I got home.

So yeah, as I get older and the balance of social power has shifted, I find myself playing chicks more than vice versa, and have in general grown the fuck up, i guess the whole thing has shifted more into perspective. There's nothing wrong with this kina stuff, It's just extreme heartbreak music, or alternatively good old violence for violence sake, with pornography thrown in for good measure. Apart from on the train today when I was listening to Thy Art Is Murder's "Whore to a Chainsaw" and staring some poor girl down feeling like the most evil twisted mother fucker around. That was just me being hella creepy.

Signs of the rising end: Jakewolf and KikiKannibal

2009-11-19T20:20:00.006Z

Sick couple of weeks going out too much, not working enough and chilling the fuck out! You know it was a good night when you wake up with a hangover and see a scantily clad scene chick on your computer checking her Facebook and playing The Devil Wears Prada on youtube.

I had no idea TDWP were this generic emo looking, don't think that kina hair's in anymore bro!

Discovered this absolute cuntbag the other day. I remember when I first discovered T Mills (what the fuck is his new haircut btw, I had that when I was seven!), and I thought he seemed like a total douche, yet I still felt a weird kind of affection for him, cos he was so fucking ridiculous and just screamed out "trying too hard!". Anyway, this is Jakewolf, he's like the budget T Mills, with less/crappyer tats, worse production, less of a following, and possibly the worst lyrics in screamo crunk to date. If you have ever noted any screamo crunk lyrics you will realise this is no mean feat, and is tantamount to something like worst fatal car crash, or worst nuclear holocaust. Add the midrange high production and his girly voice makes it really quite an endurance test to listen to.

Oh Yeah, and he has the symbol for the World Health Organisation (or WHO) tattooed on his neck. I've seen some pretty regrettable tats in my time, but this one totally takes the scene biscuit! After a little investigative journalism (posting a question on his youtube comments), a reliable source (a youtube comment poster), informed me that it was because he has Diabetes, and the symbol is on the insulin packets. Now, I understand that we should be thankful for the organisation that, so far, has prevented swine flu, sars, bird flu, and god knows what else ravaging our lands and people (although they are responsible for keeping Jake Wolf alive, which kind of puts them in a morally neutral position), but isn't there a more useful and less future destroying way to show this appreciation? like becoming a doctor, instead of getting a "keut" tat. At least he didn't get one of Wilfred Brimley.

At least Wilford Brimley got some money from being a walking advert for insulin!

On the subject of tattoos/destroying your future, I noticed he has ink on his face, neck and hands, but more or less no where else. All the tattoos are pretty simple and probably didn't cost that much, and likely have other flimsy, hastily thought out reasons of being there. I noticed this recently with scene kids, the current trend seems to be inking up the most visible areas possible, hands, neck, face and whatnot first. I know this little scene dude in Manchester who's just got one hand and his upper chest done, and then there's this guy. It's like its become a race to see who can destroy their future/become unpresentable as quickly as possible for the least money (actually, that kind of sums up all alt culture). If that's true, then Jake Wolf, with his brand of budget screamo crunk and embarrassing cheap tattoos, certainly wins. Hi Five Bro!!!

Obviously though, not everyone views this cunt with the same disdain I do (and seriously, every picture I see, combined with that whiny fucking girl voice, make we wanna deck him something fierce), because he has managed to land himself arguably the most sought after prize in scene world, the hot, yet fucking irritating Kikikannibal.

If you don't know her, she makes shitty fucking jewellery, is a vegetarian, and self centred scene queen. She's also kina hot I guess. For some reason, she also happens to be really famous. I myself, am waiting for her brief spell of beauty to end, and for her to inevitably become just another lonely crazy old cat women, confused and angry about where her status went. I recently tried to watch one of her videos, but just couldn't take it after about 5 seconds, pulled the cat face, and had to go shove forks in my eyes.

The combination of these next level teen scene train wrecks is surely a sign of the coming scene apocalypse. I hope they have kids. Imagine how fucked up they'll make them. The shits gonna hit the fan when T Mills hooks up with Melissa Millionaire(who incidentaly seems much more fun/legit/genuine/probably a better lay than Kiki, also didn't realise that Dani has gauged lobes, which is pretty ace, chick I mentioned at the beginning had them too, turns out they don't smell of cheese).

Irony Update: 11/11/09

2009-11-11T22:21:00.001Z

Its offial: Today, i begun enjoying the T Mills songs "Rich Girls" and "Girls Gone Wild" non ironically.......the rest still suck though.

When crunk kids arn't getting crunk: xbrokenxheartsxjamzx

2009-11-07T02:36:00.012Z

edit: Fixed the formatting problem, and also added an extra vid on the end, thanks to a recommendation by Sargent D, cheers brah!

As any affectionardo of Screamo Crunk is aware, all songs of the genre fit squarely into 2 categories; Songs about getting crunk, and songs about having a xbrokenxheartx.

As winter makes its presence known in Manchester, and the nights get longer, the rain gets even more frequent, the sky somehow gets even greyer, I begin too see my own breath when I wake up, my level of apathy goes through the roof. Combine this with the pang of missing my regularly mentioned in this blog girl-in-London (formerly girl-with-boyfriend), who I recently visited, and had one of the best weekends of my life with, and the situation in my course being "shit just got real".

This was me and a small Asian friend of mine, about 2 days ago, on our new assignment

Basically, I'm feeling way too drained to listen to anything as kinetic as death metal or hardcore, and I cba going out and getting crunk most of the time either. This has reduced me to creating several playlists of the crappy songs on screamo crunk releases that you normally skip to get to songs like Freaxxx. So anyhow, here is my pick of screamo crunk songs to lie around feeling sorry for yourself to, based on my past couple of weeks.......

1. Hurry! Lets Go - Mayday Mayday

Sorry to whoever's holiday snaps these are, but this was the only version with lyrics I could find :(

Although it's actually chock full of gay little happy melodies, the rather middle of the road entry level xbrokenxheartx lyrics give it a strange new vibe, which lends a weird, "hey....it just is bro", feeling to it. Basically, it kind of glamorises however shit you feel, making you feel like a character in a film, thus lending you some slight hope, and making you feel slightly cooler at the same time.

2. N!tro - Running Away

Much more standard xbrokenxheartx vibe but this time with N!tro's trademark kooky lyrics ranging from quite clever and relatable to completely fucking silly. This one has such gems as "I wana leave on my Jetski, ride to the ocean so nobody can catch me, and throw my phone in the water so nobody can text me" and "you got me lost like a satellite travelling in another galaxy". Has extra value to me now after going home this weekend, "telling my mum about this shit", and her telling me to "find another girl".

3. brokeNCYDE - I don't know

It's pretty tricky to choose just one brokeNCYDE song, as pre-BC13 they have a seemingly endless supply of shamelessly self pitying songs which pretty much take emo to it's logical conclusion. It's quite surprising that they suddenly stopped respecting women and began to write the feel good crunk anthems we know and love them for. I could have easily chosen any of the others, as they're all pretty much the same. You know you're in a bad place when these lyrics no longer make you cringe. Seems to have some kind of autobiographical value for se7en, with the words "the dopest in rap but couldn't never focus on that, was too distracted by the smoke that was choking his past". Obviously even the most bro-like fun time screamo crunk MCs have issues and dark pasts they try to hide from!! Maybe the "get crunk" lifestyle is all just a show, because he's just been hurt too many times and all he really wants is to settle down and snuggle with his own lil scene love <3.>

4. Blood On The Dance Floor - Designed to Kill

It's been a good while before I've been embarrassed about liking anything, I mean, when you hang out with death metal fans and start reppin' brokeNCYDE and dot dot curve, it's gonna raise some eyebrows, but BOTDF have made me squirm in a way I'd forgotten how. Their flamboyant campness, scene hair, donkish beats, and next level tasteless lyrics make for a very bitter lemon indeed. This is pretty standard BOTDF affair, with a pretty chill chorus of the xbrokenxheartsx variety. It probably makes the list on the merit of being the only BOTDF song I'm aware of which has lyrics going beyond "suck my dick girl", into, ya know, feelings, and stuff.

5. dot dot curve :) - Rocket Ship To The Moon

Like all dot dot curve songs, the words are all a wtf!?! invoking meaningless blurrr of "I'm the sex" and "All you haters can SMB!". However, among their usual chaotic whirl of synth mashing, this song gives me quite a dark vibe, which suits the Manchester winter quite well. I've taken to wapping this on my mp3 player whenever I leave the house in my high-tops.

6. Hollywood Undead - The Diary

I expected freshers week this year to be much like the last, a whirl of parties, nights out, and alcohol, with the added bonus of being a second year. Instead, I slept alot, hung around miserably on facebook, and listened to this song, while missing girl-in-London, and all my friends back home.

7. Breathe Carolina - The Rescue

Breathe Carolina seem like the least creepy, most upstanding group here (exept maybe N!tro). All their songs are actually pretty heartfelt and there rarely seem to make immature references to getting head, so that alone makes them stand out. I just love the "Did we enjoy ourselfs, when we destroyed ourselfs". I'm probably gonna put this on a playlist for getting stoned with bros after a night out sometime.

8. The Medic Droid - The Killer Anna

I've been reppin' this song for wayyy longer than the others, and applied the lyrics to many, many girls I've had a thing with, then lost in the past couple of years. In fact I think this was the beginning of my whole screamo crunk thing, back when I still convinced myself that I only was into it "ironically".

So anyway, there ya go, a selection of jamz to keep you cold during the winter months, and provide an alternative to whatever other terrible music you normally listen too. If you're having trouble taking any of this stuff seriously, I would recommend listening while staring out a window when it's raining, and before long the ridiculousness will be lost, and you'll be applying every song non ironically to your own life and wishing you could "bro down", with Spanky from dot dot curve.

CODA:

This vid on youtube by play radio play also seems to pretty accurately convey what it is to have "scene" heartbreak, after Jennifer Jealousy or Becky Bruta1ity steps on your heart. Watched it the first time the other day and nearly fucking cried, no joke! All the cutesy phases childishly scrawled and the black and white photos of scene kids looking angsty or having "moments" together was just too much! The girl lying down staring hopeless at the silent phone was a particularly bitter pill.

A snapshot of the North of England, and an inadvertantly beautiful metaphore for teenage life.

2009-10-30T21:52:00.003Z

Watching this video, I can't help get slightly sentimental, and feel a certain connection with where I'm from, in a way similar I imagine to the feeling that Necro may get when he hears about someone getting raped in New York. This felling is not about the girl or the baby, but a huge sense of kinship I feel with the running kid at the beginning of the video (not the fat one holding the phone). His look of wide eyed desperation to see this momentous event, that he can tell his friends "I was there", for years to come. I also relate to his status as "outsider", or "watcher", as he tries to hurtle over his classmates to get a better view, and then get shouted at by some teacher or self appointed "bossy girl" to "give her some room" or some shit. He is neither the girl, nor (not fucking likely) the baby's father. In stead he is just a casual observer, looking for something to talk about, chilling with his early pubescant bros, before school ends and they go to intimidate the general public on a bus/fast food restaurant and then go home to dinner and ultra violent video games. They have no female friends, but the second one of them gets an extremely pedestrian girlfriend, the rest of the group will be wrought with betrayal/jealousy. And here they are, living parallel lives to this girl who is already pregnant at what can't be more than 15. She is the "in" crowd, a main character, a protagonist or antagonist to the dramas that unfolds in and around the school. The boy, and so many like him, the younger me included, are just extras. We watch, and with fascination, even though we know it is very unlikely we will ever get our own "15 minutes of fame". There is just nothing about us worth talking about. We shall probably get our first girlfriend around 16, loose our virginity at 18, too late for anyone to care/congratulate us on/spread rumours about. We just hover around the "In" crowd, letting them explore life first, taking notes, before we experiment ourselves with sex/drugs/fashion. They are the real time Soap Opera, taking place right before our eyes, while we live through tv, film and video games. TV lets us look in on the lives of more "In" crowds, with lives that have a compelling narrative. At around 16 we will probably combine with a group of girls, of similar looks/social standing/lack of charisma/lack of life experience. Together we make a new larger, more diverse mature group, and explore life together, under the radar of the wider social circle. We have good and bad times, romances are born and die, and our old video games lie largely forgotten. We feel that our lives are finally beginning to resemble TV, although no one cares by now, except us. After a few years, our group will explode, as we go to uni, and we will probably grow further and further away from each other. We never had any real connection to each other, even when we thought we were in love with some girl we dated, we just clung together because we had no one else. There is just nothing about us worth talking about.............yet.

I need to get me some of these!

2009-10-30T19:19:00.002Z

On the fuckin' real!!!

Maltstream chicks crunk my world

2009-10-25T15:51:00.007Z

Using this extremely close minded and generalising system I have devised (and by devised, I mean briefly pondered upon), I hope I can help any of my discerning readers identify, pigeon hole, and act accordingly around females.

On my scale, there are only 3 types of girl. The most common ones: "Hard" Alternative, and "Hard" Mainstream, which generally clump together, and most social groups will be dominated by one or the other, with little else present. Then there is the third group, my holy grail as such, known as "Maltstream", a term coined by the massively successful post ironic hipster blog "HRO". (note: this system only applies to the middle classes)

Contrary to what everyone believes/tells you/are duped into believing by music videos, "Hard" alt girls are normally, not humble/misunderstood, extremely bitchy, closed minded, and kina fucked up and self centred. This is generally a result of hanging out in alt social circles, where (socially inept) guys massively outnumber girls, and so any girl, nomatter how fat/ugly, will get heaps more attention than if they stuck to mainstream sociality. This normally leads to them being painfully self centered, case in point: Kiki Kannibal. They also seem to fight amongst each other on a mean girls esque scale, vying for position of most relevant/alternative hot of the group, generally by banging a guy considered more successfully alt than the other chicks (due to band, art, gnarly tats). Plus most of them seem to be there for the alternative "image" above all else.

Meanwhile mainstream girls are normally a bit more pleasant and accepting, and simply have the major floor of being shit boring. It's obviously a massive sized demograph, yet they normally simply seem to have almost exactly the same views and conversational topics (espesh in uni).

replicate this picture a few hundred times and you have every mainstream girl's facebook. possibly with the odd folder of some holiday in Canada or something.

Then there are the glorious maltstream chicks, who my British alternative heart truly goes out too. Consisting of the best of each, mainstream enough to function normally in most social situations, alt/fucked up enough to have interesting conversations with and be into decent music/go to gigs with you and not be freaked out when you go hardcore dancing/pitting. Pretty much all the chicks I've ever had a meaningful connection/relationship with have been maltstream, as they glide between a spectrum of social groups like a carefree satellite in a studded belt, girl boxers and phat skate shoes. Normally they can be identified by a small generic tattoo, normally on the upper back.

And lets not forget Alison Harvard, the ultimate Maltstream!

Things Metalheads hate Pt 1: Gauged Lobes

2009-10-21T14:55:00.002+01:00

I will begin this "series", as such, with "Gauged Lobes", and try to understand the hatred surrounding them.

I think it wouldn't be unfair to suggest that a big factor in the resentment Job For A Cowboy have to face on a daily basis is their bass players lobes...........and ginger hair/beard combo.

It is hard to pinpoint exactly why metal dudes hate this. I have a journalistic gut feeling that there must be something deeper at play here than simply resenting their affiliations with scene kids. Of course, look on many of the "Why deathcore sucks!" articles/youtube videos around the place and you'll find plenty of disparaging comments about them. All I can really think is that the dudes who have gauged lobes tend to be the most fun loving, hella mass chill bros in the deathcore bunch, who are normally completely oblivious to any haters they may have. For this reason, I think the majority of metalheads, making angry blogs/youtube videos, both fear and despise them the most. They won't even get angry and provide anyone with more ammunition.

Hella Cute!

I'm kina thinking of getting some myself at some point, but this scene bro I know had a girlfriend with them, and tells me that they smell of cheese. In a bad way. Plus dunno if can be arsed with the hassle of having fuck off holes in my ears whenever i'm not wearing them. Dunno how that would go down in a job interview after uni, although apparently they heal so long as you don't stretch too fast. Anyway, I'll sign off with everyones favorite scene douche bro with gauged lobes, T Mills, who is quickly becomming synonymous with this blog. Sorry, I just can't ignore him. He's just so rediculous I can't help but love him and his terrible music :)

Punk Rock meets Bruce Willis

2009-10-19T21:27:00.001+01:00

I need a fucking Die Hard box set. Wish I had a black sidekick I could go on crazy adventures on with after I split up with my first wife.

Pissing off Metal fans: The Art, The Lifestyle

2009-10-05T03:52:00.009+01:00

I recently went and hung out with some generic metalhead friends I have, as part of Manchester University's rock society. I hang out with them, mainly, to simply play up my sceneness, insult power metal, call Manowar fucking gay as much as I can, and big up deathcore and wigger slam (the latter of which I use to remind them that I am actually into heavier shit than everyone in the room). For this reason, I am pretty much an expert on things that get metalheads hot under the collar, and would push them to violence, if they weren't nerdy pussy's who don't want the embarrassment and following exile getting decked by a Scene Kid would mean. Especially seeing as when we aren't present they go all tough guy about "slaying posers".

Anyhow, it was a pretty sick night, I hung out, made new friends, trolled some fat tub of goo, scoped some of the tasty new fresher chicks in the society, including one who I made out with, but wouldn't let me in after as I discovered, her (hopefully generic scene hating metalhead) boyfriend was in the flat. This was after I had said earlier, jokingly, to some other metal dudes, that the only reason they hate scenies is because we steal their chicks. I got the idea from the end of the brokeNCYDE album.

If you are a generic metal dude, that last paragraph should already have you seething with rage, with brokeNCYDE being the icing on the cake. Now understand that I know what I'm taking about. I know how to make you rage.

Of course, making metalheads rage is very much like making the Westboro Baptist Church rage. If you don't conform to a very strict set of diktats, someone will probably call you fag. Because of this, it's hardly a tricky task, but it is a rewarding one nevertheless.

Deathcore is obviously one of the easiest ways to make metalheads rage. So easy that i'm getting quite bored of it as a trolling method (luckily thanks to shit getting more rediculous by the second, Brokencyde->Attack Attack!->T Mills, I am never normally out of a fresh trolling tool). I mean check out this guy! Weird redneck dude with slayer t shirt and a huge list of deathcore bands and saying for each one the same critique of "I HATE BREAKDOWNS, SILLY HAIR, GAUGED LOBES, RIPPING OFF SLAYERRRRR!!!!!". He must really have his vagina in a twist about something! I also noticed this other post about typical genre rage, another surefire metalhead troll tactic, and stumbled upon this rage gem:

"In my apartment, you can see everybody's shared Itunes, and this is what I found while creeping one day. I don't know who this "Eric Doll" person is, but he fails at music so hard I can barely believe it. 80 minutes of Brokencyde? When I got to that part, I was reminded of Bender's quote from Futurama "Someone please kick his ass!"
NOTE: Eric, if you ever read this, I have nothing against you personally. But God is your music awful. And for the record, Bring Me The Horizon is not metal in any way, shape or form, and certainly not thrash. Listen to some Kreator or some Exhorder, then you will understand what real thrash is."

This Eric guy sounds like my kina bro, brokeNCYDE and BMTH?! Beats the hell out of some generic outdated thrash! Hell yeah man, although I got three and a half hours of brokeNCYDE, so I outbro you there. We should hang out sometime and steal this guys girlfriend.

Here is another gem of metalhead rage I found recently, I swear by the end I could feel the guy's cheeto breath on my face and smell his B.O. I had to back away from the screen. It all just seemed far too real, the greasy hair, the rumbling of the spit in his throat...Afterwards I sprayed some oust round the room and tried to get back to business.

Now would you rather hang out with him? or these? (I'm not sure, but I suspect, that they might be Attila fans, which would be sick, because I'm yet to meet someone else who doesn't hate that band)

So, how do you like to annoy metal folk? Any good stories or links? As easy as it is, it is actually a very rich and rewarding experience, and I urge anyone to do it. From claiming that BMTH are more technical than Origin on youtube, to telling people that Manowar are fucking gay, I guarantee that you will enjoy it. I also now have a use for T Mills :)

Some girls sing t mills, a cat tries to escape

2009-10-03T03:37:00.008+01:00

It is lovely when people pay attention to things you do, whether it be music, sport, or donk, and so I would like to send a big up once again to my partner in appreciating embarrassingly bad music Sargent D, for reppin' this blog on Stuff You Will Hate. If you are reading this you are either Paul, who is my only friend who knows of the blog (when the fuck we publishing the next headbang!?), Big D himself, or someone who clicked one of D's links. In any case, welcome, sit back, and grab a crunk juice (not actually available in the UK (yes, I fucking checked) so any energy drink will suffice). Now I have been linked to on both Metal Inquisition and SYWH, I might as well just destroy my router and go outside. As far as casual pointless achievements go, this is pretty fucking high.

I'm also glad that I alerted D to my horrific unearthing of T Mills. As far as discoveries go, this is like the scene equivalent of the beginning of The Exorcist. Now there may be a new whipping boy to mock, make references to, and ask the question "is this guy for real?". Soon music nerds the internet through will look back with fondness on the days when all they had to worry about was brokeNCYDE and Cryptopsy going Deathcore. Now a new age of nerd rage could very well be upon us. Subcultures are moving so fast nowadays that most likely within 6 months brokeNCYDE will no longer be relevant and I will be bitter and jaded, complaining to T Mills fans on youtube videos about how he "dosn't have the feeling that BC13 had back in the day", in a ridiculous parallel to old metal dudes getting sore about deathcore metaphorically stealing the chicks at their party.

It is probably worth a note that while brokeNCYDE do mainly appeal to teen scene chicks, they do have a few male fans, normally sleazy creepers like me, but a notable male following nevertheless. T Mills is almost entirely female followed. While guys, when they really like music, will break down the technical aspects so they can convincingly argue that their opinion is right, and probably form their own bands that copy the originals, girl super fans will draw some incredibly retarded looking sketches of you, and film themselves talking in a monotone voice along with your music in a youtube video, while giggling and holding a cat who is clearly as horrified as me at this whole thing, and just really, really wishes he was somewhere else.

So would you or not? I think naked to the right would get a poke, whereas the cat molester would probably need some serious deliberation/hard liqueur.

You can tell poor John never wanted this. Just look at his poor cat face.

This expression of confusion/terror/indignation at being fondled by a chubby girl who is probably too old to be listening to some scene douchelords gay little project, is actually almost a perfect replica of how I looked when I first saw T Mills, and for that I see this tortured soul as a kindred spirit. In fact, I think I'll dig back, and draw one more cat picture that sums up my T Mills face even more accurately.

Donk: The Essence of the North West

2009-09-27T19:36:00.016+01:00

Recently, in keeping with my North Western heritage, I have begun getting into the music of donk. Although i am not a chav, and my parents are pretty stable, so its not exactly a familiar scene.

If you are not from the north-west of England, I emplore you to now watch this video on the background of donk/chav culture, and get a feel of what the North West is like.

Particular highlights include:

"This is Spanish", Like Waynes World but with chavs.

"Do you want sittin on your fuckin arse?" I've seen this situation waayyy too many times, especially with the good Samaritan guy stepping in at the end "He's not worth it, not now mate, i'm not in the mood, don't touch me"

The "nice but dim bouncer", "If you do not let go of me, I will pop your eye out"

(the word was "co-operative" btw)

This skank. Although you may have seen a couple of maybe kind of attractive girls in the video, i guarentee most will end up looking like this. I recently witnessed an abomination like this hit on one of my friends in a pub, it was a very uncomfortable quarter of an hour.

There are far too many quality moments here containing the essence of the north west, so I find it hard to pinpoint any really, I just think you should watch the whole thing, and soak up the cultural wasteland of the North.

As you can probably guess, I have way more in common with the presenter here than anyone else featured, and find it funny to see him with all these working class northern types. There were probably a good few situations not shown where he got severely bullied and maybe even almost fought by his subjects, that weren't shown, and I have to give the guy mad props for going down Wigan pier, which is like Mordor for middle class kids like me and him. Although he was kind of undercover, in his new get up.

If you come from the north west of England, this video should make you squeal with recognition, as it definitely did me. Otherwise you will just find the strange sketchy working class English guys funny, but not really get it. I now feel like I have a one up on guys from New York or Tampa, even if it is just silly chav music.

On the note of Blackout Crew, I seriously love this group, even if they do look like the kind of people who would mug you/beat you up for having longish hair.
This is my personal fav, even if "put a donk on it" is their most famous track.

On a final note, this girls birthday party in the documentary shows just how classless northern girls are. Even though some may be attractive, the second they open their mouths it's all gone. This is probably why I developed a fascination with German girls, and I would get depressed whenever I came back from there, normally encountering someone like this girl at the airport. Now skip to 6:20, and feel my pain. It is a pain I still feel, and commonly run into at student house parties. Imagine trying to have a romantic moment with someone with that voice. At some point I will try and follow this up by documenting some hideous English girl voices, and post away. Until then, try and hold your puke back as she talks. Extreme example I know, but gives you a taste.

The Black brokeNCYDE: Screamo Crunk, the Zeitgeist

2009-09-26T19:07:00.013+01:00

As I have mentioned him before a few times, although never using his actual moniker of N!tro, i thought it was high time to honor the brother with a full post, kind of.

Expert sagging, those sweet checkered vans, post-shutter shade UV protection, and black.....dyaaam!

He's kind of a bit like 3OH!3, but with better production, and more street cred (through being black). He also just did some kina colab with those cunts from dot dot curve or something, and some ugly scene douche called J Bigga.

Scene wiggers actually seem to know genuine black people now, even if they do just act hella white around them.

J Bigga is also known for this video, recently featured on look at this fucking hipster in which he brings a scene element to crazy youtube conspiracy theorist culture.

So anyway, I fuckin jam out N!tro all the time since rapidsharing his album, I would have probably paid, had it been available anywhere but itunes, but it isn't, and apple can smb. Got some pretty terrible/awesome/relatable lyrics too, in a bullshit scene kid kina way, seems to quite accurately convey romance in a kind of alt teen setting, referencing facebook, myspace top friends, txting and all that other passive aggresive bullshit.

Anyway, heres probably his most popular song, and the one which introduced me to the reality of black people being aware of/being scene kids. We all kind of guessed that there must be at least one out there, maybe you even saw one on a google image search when you were bored, but they never seemed truly real, in the same way komodo dragons arn't really "dragons".

Despite being obviously kind of middle class, having more in common with, say, Kanye West than Mobb Deep, the dude still strikes me as a hella mass chill bro. I wish I had more friends like him, or any black friends at all for that matter, at the moment the best i really have are some maltstream* azns, so the idea of a black scene dude really gets me going.

Also, if you step into the photo section of his myspace, you unlock an incredible new world, where many more non-white scene kids come out of no where, and scene is no longer simply the persuit of pale bulimic suburban white kids.

.....and if that didn't turn things around enough for you, in this crazy world of opposites that N!tro seems to be creating from his bedroom, the white scenes are all red puffy, chubby and rather retarded looking creatures, as we see by this monstrosity.

Feels good that screamo crunk could be becoming some kind of subcultural utopia, with an equal racial cross section. This may simply be due to the fact that all scene kids/scene wiggers are pretty middle class, by which black middle class people are also sort of wiggers too, in that they are just as alien to the inside of a Mobb Deep lyrics sleve as white middle class kids, but feel like they have to live up to that image anyway, therefore, racial devide becomes completely meaningless, as everyone works together to chase that golden grail: being truly "street/black". I myself see N!tro as the scene answer to Martin Luther King.

So anyhow, while N!tro may be both making awesome crunk music, and challenging racial steriotypes, all is not good on the screamo crunk front, as i discovered a few mornings ago, checking out myspace, discovering one of the worst abuses of autotune yet: T Mills.

Now, I love autotune vocals, screamo crunk, Attack Attack!, gauged lobes and plenty of other shit, but this guy just seems to be taking it too far, into uncomfortable territory. He is like the practical joke that stops being funny, and ends in a hospital trip, and just like that, he made me have to stop for a second, and seriously re-evaluate my stance on both silly music and life. I am still not 100% on whether he is actually real, or some kind of creature from our collective ids, like a scene pyramid head, telling us what we could become if we arn't careful. He seems too ridiculous to be true, but both myspace and google search suggest otherwise.

So where to begin; despite the fact that the music is terrible, and has non of the flair of brokeNCYDE, 3OH!3 or my new fantasy bromance N!tro, he looks like some kind of Oli Sykes squared monster, with a terrible case of trying-too-hard-not-to-be-a-spoiled-white-pussy-so-gets-a-shit-load-of-body-mods. I myself, embrace my status as spoiled white pussy, it's who I am, and it means i'm probably going to be spending most my life in relative comfort, so fuck anyone who has a problem with it. Wish I had a massive trust fund too. There is not one element of this dude that isn't taken to a ridiculous extreme, its like he went into the "make your own scene kid" on the sims or something, and put everything on full.

I'm also terrifyed as hell to find out what his age is, because if he's younger than me, I will probably have yet another early onset midlife crisis. It also fucked me up to learn that Taylor Swift is younger than me too. As well as that now I can watch porn with chicks that are younger than me, something that has fucked me up for a while. I'm only 20 yet I already feel old and washed up, and full of regret. Needless to say, I kind of envy the guy, having such an easy marketing ploy. I think tryna make it in a death metal band has probably been the wrong option, shitty autotune music is obviously the way to go. It's way easier, a fucking robot practically sings it for you, and scene chicks fucking love the shit out of it. Fuck you T Mills, fuck you. I just hope you're fucking wrinkled, broke and pathetic by the time you're 40 (the ink should hopefully keep you out of most jobs), while I will be wrinkled, rich and pathetic, reeling in the wake of my second marriage, wondering what the fucking point of living on is. Actually, fuck, you'll probably somehow still be happier than me.

Anyway, here's some more N!tro, as mimed by some scene cutie, who's probably young enough to find me creepy. Actually, she kind of looks like this 17 year old chick the singer of my band was banging for a while, despite him being 25 (props bro!).

*MALTSTREAM - a term coined by Hipster Run Off, meaning, mainly mainstream, but with some alternative tenancies, I.E could like some alt music, wear slightly alt clothing, or whatever. Will probably do some kind of post about them laters, as I'm pretty sure Maltstream chicks are the best in every way.

Fights are Cool

2009-09-23T03:23:00.004+01:00

As most people are now aware, and has been reported on various blogs over the past week or so, the respective singers from both Emmure and The Acacia Strain recently had a fight backstage at an Emmure gig somewhere in America, resulting in *citation needed* busted noses. Apparently the bands have been at feud since The Acacia Strain accused Emmure of ripping them off or something (which, lets be fair, they kina did a bit, not that I don't like them), then Emmure made "R2 Deepthroat", directed at The Acacia Strain's singer, "Vincent Bennett".

The fallout from this seemingly minor event has led to countless "Emmure vs The Acacia Strain" polls/forum posts, and many more people saying that both suck, violence is bad, yada yada.

"Whatever the case… is it weird that I think this kinda sucks? For me, at least, metal (and hardcore, if you consider TAS or Emmure hardcore) has always provided an outlet for violent and, um, let’s say “socially inappropriate” emotions, so that I won’t get into any actual fights. I’m happy to enjoy the entertainment of two dudes talking some smack on one another, but I’d actually prefer that it remain all talk.

We’ll give you more on the story if we get it. In the meantime, let’s hope this doesn’t end up with any East Coast/West Coast drive-by shenanigans."

- Metal Sucks

"You must not have grown up in the hardcore scene. I was surprised it was just knuckles not a gun."

- Sargent D, taking everyone back to school

"My money’s on the white guy."

"who cares which ones better, as long as you can go to one of their shows and kick the shit out of people, i'm happy."

I Personally agree with the last quote. I also, despite being a fan of both bands, fully support the existence of the fight, and am glad that they have done this to support their tough guy hxc image. Much as I was syked about Will Rahmer from Mortician stabbing a cabbie in Poland, and the video of the guy from Himsa going apeshit on some dude, I love it when metal bands support their image of being badasses, as oppose to just being the nerdy guys the usually are. Just about all other genres ever seem to be more dramatic/eventful/violent than metal, which is quite dissapointing seeing as how metal's meant to be evil or some shit. Reggae festivals are meant to be dark violent places, full of stabbings and theft, wheras metal fests: middle class white kids as far as the eye can see complaining about sun burn.

Sporadic acts of violence like this up the baddass factor for the whole scene, and strangely seem to encourage respect from the wider world as well, as it shows we can "talk the talk". You look better for talking shit and fucking niggas up than just taking shit and being a spoiled white pussy like a wigger with a trust fund.

It could be that we are about to enter into an age where hardcore begins to resemble the early ninties rap scene, with drive-bys and whatnot. The hats are already being worn, and wigger culture is getting deeper and deeper into metal. Looking forward to a shoot out between Carnifex and Suicide Silence, and death metal bands being arrested for drug trafficing, albeit less embarressing than Brain Drill.

Also, the whole black metal thing dosn't count, as it wasn't sporadic violence, which is how true baddasses role, it was just gay metal theatrics taken way too far. No one thought it was cool and hardcore when a dead body was found in Michael Barrymore's pool with "Extreme Sexual Injuries", and black metal is the same. Simply gayness taken too far, in an attempt to prove itself.

Back in Manchester and it's fresher's week, which should mean going out and getting crunk, but had instead meant lying in bed listening to "The Diary" by Hollywood Undead and The Black Brokencyde, missing my girl-who-had-boyfriend-but-now-is-single-and-a-fresher-in-London-and-probably-getting-fucked-by-a-different-guy-every-night. I did half arsedly try to chat someone up at a party the other night, but ended up cba'ing, and then i think some other girl slapped me for some reason. Can't fully remember why. 5 more nights/chances then to live the 2nd/3rd/4th year dream of taking advantage of a "naive innocent" fresher...

2009-09-17T22:46:00.008+01:00

Well tumultuous last couple of days, shared a joint with my girls actual boyfriend after bumping into him on a run (turns out he lives pretty close), and came clean, no one's really ready for that, so he just kind of cycled off. I did it pretty badly too, afterwards going "errrr...so is that cool?" and giving a dumb thumbs up.
Got a pissed off call from her an hour later, saying "wtf!! Y?!?!? Nvr tlk 2 meh agn!!!" which i wish i had recorded, cos it would make a cool interlude or end of album thing, maybe with static noise in the background or something, like that one by Atmosphere. Then the next day ran into her while walking my dog. Apparently she dreamt she beat me to death and everyone hates her now, and also (probably made up) something about how she had to stop her (now ex) boyfriend from getting a lynch mob together and going all candyman on my ass.

Also got semi fucked up with some friends last night and recreated Blink-182's infamous "What's My Age Again" video with two other guys, through some Lancaster suburbs, causing a very shocked looking car to stop dead in its tracks, almost unsafely fast.......as you probably would. It was a good night!

On Saturday I bid farewell to my varied, subcultural and generally interesting friends to go back to good old monochrome student life, where everyone looks/acts/dresses the fucking same. Swarms of Akercrombe and Fitch, Horizontal stripes, and Topman, and conversation as varied as "shit, that was a tricky lecture" and "ohhhh fuck, I got so smashed last night, I'm so off the rails lolololol". Rarely do they do anything more fun than talk shit and puke though, a fight is probably the most interesting thing students tend to do when drunk. And even then, they're normally shit fights.

Anyhow, people bitch alot about how I shouldn't hate on students, and that (motherfucking plot twist!!!) I am one.

So here are my reasons for eying students with contempt.

1. I've already covered in great detail how everyone seems to have condensed into roughly the same person. My theory is that after having spent teenage years experimenting with various subcultures, scenes and whatnot, they have now decided that, as good middle class kids, middle of the road topshop/topman life is for them (also notice all the black people modeling on the topman website, this is a lie, topman is as racially diverse as the tour de france). Maybe i'm therefore just somewhat imature to remain some kind of hybrid scene/wigger/metal guy, but fucked if i'm gonna start wearing horizontal stripes now!

2. There's a lot of subtle racism. It's extremely subtle, and nothing as bad as the aforemensioned Candyman link, obviously, but still, watch the reaction of a group of tight knit middle class white kids when an indian/asian asks them something. They all look like they're biting lemons. It's actually pretty hilarious.

3. Opinion that anyone who hasn't gone to uni is worthless, and shouldn't be associated with. Again subtle, but there.

4. Fucking facebook! during termtime, almost everyone has display pictures of them, in some club, with 2 or 3 bland friends, looking like they're having an awesome time. Of course, normally when you go out with these groups they are pretty boring, bob along to the music a little, and then occationally one whips out their digital camera, and they pull crazy poses and thumbs up, to create an image of what fun they're having. Said Picture is normally up before the night is even over, via not actually being that drunk.

non of you are getting any tonight

5. The fatness. Despite all loudly talking about going to the gym whenever anyone is near, by the end of year one, thanks to endless cheap bear and kebabs, the muffintop/overhang is as prevalent as ever, and several times during any lecture you can see people learning back to yawn, sending an avalanche of gut plummeting over their tight belt. Stuff You Will Hate's "Sargent D" will now explain further.

5. The knowledge that most likely every girl you meet, no matter how sweet and innocent she seems, is most likely something of a village bicycle who has been fucked every way imaginable in the past week. If she wasn't a hoe before uni, she will be by now. Just roll with it and try not to take anyone too seriously.

6. People like me, cunts who somehow think they're "above it", and cling onto some silly childish subcultural gimmick.....

Here's a cool list of student stereotypes i discovered, It is all 100% true. I'm pretty sure I'm a Night Owl/Sniper.

Anyway, I just discovered this blog got a fucking link to from Metal Inquisition, just as I posted my last embarrassingly "emo-as-shit" post, bad timing sarge! I really need to think of something better to blog about than being a bitter student scene kid.

Big move into new house tomorrow, back to the fucking jaws of Manchester! Last night beach (I use the word loosely) party tonight, hopefully something disasterous/funny/worth blogging about will happen so I can keep up the illusion on here that I have an interesting life! Won't have internet until Monday, so hopefully by then will have some housewarming stories of student debauchery! Piece!

Objects in Space

2009-09-15T01:26:00.010+01:00

Feelin pretty disillusioned and nihilistic right now...beginning to doubt whether it's possible for two people to genuinely connect to a degree beyond temptation and just be content with each other. Seen/been through too much emotional bullshit these last few weeks, plus thinking about some douchey PUA bullshit, invoking some pseudo science about how an exclusive relationship isn't "natural", and is pretty much a facade created by "beta males" to stop "alpha males" stealing their girls, as apparently is the "natural" order of things. Like unless you just fuck anything walking your way with a cunt you are inferior. The consensus is that relationships last until one party finds another partner more "genetically superior" than the current one, or just plainly get bored of each other. I'm pretty sure most parents I know exist in a state of toleration at best...the only exception being my own parents, who are pretty much the only ones who seem to have "made it work". about 60%-70% of my friends parents seem to have broke up anyway.

Seems that this generation, and maybe the one before have/have had too much social freedom and freedom of expression, and popular culture pressurizes everyone to be as promiscuous as possible, no matter what your age or marital status. It's cool to be the "player". The idea that a monogamous relationship means you are "tied down", and the amount of cynicism everyone seems to give marriage. Someone recently said to me that "a tattoo is a bigger commitment than marriage", I couldn't really think of a response.

Heard last night that my girl-with-boyfriend-who-I-thought-had-broke-up-with-boyfriend-but-now-apparently-hasn't got with a third guy on holiday in France last week, so I hastily and ham-fistedly tried to get with her best friend, resulting in crash and burn. Her friend was pretty cool with it though, I think she kind of sympathizes a bit, didn't sound too impressed with her friends recent actions. I think i just need stability right now, maybe I'm just fighting with the realization that I'm going retarded over the biggest nymph in town. Soon I'll be back in Manchester for the second year, and probably fucking as many sluts as I can to clear my head of this clusterfuck. Will that make me "alpha"? I get laid, I just can never hold down a relationship. Nomatter how alpha you are, theres always gonna be someone moreso, you're both just waiting for a better deal, like a broadband bundle. Writing my first acoustic singer/songwriter type song. Calling it "If you wern't a slut". Yeah, it sounds despirate, sexist and like teenage angst poetry, so fucking what. I'm self aware enough to save most things with the right degree of irony.

Sorry for the chud, promise next post will be about something funny like man crushes or blowjobs or spoofing metal. Piece.

Guys in bands I have a man crush on

2009-08-31T01:25:00.014+01:00

I would like to start with the dubious disclaimer that I am not one iota gay, and I love the feel, taste, sometimes the smell , and now even the sight of gash. Also, amongst some of my (also no homo) friends, it has also become commonplace to express our appreciation of a member of a band by saying what sexual practices we would like to engage them in. For example, the other week I was chatting to a bandmate, and he said, quite casually, "yeah, the drums on that Black Dahlia Murder DVD are fucking tight, I would suck that guys cock!", and this was normal unremarkable conversation. Therefore, seeing as our man crushes often manifest in mock sexual desire, i thought that it would be appropriate to express this particular list in a similar fashion, to get across the nature of the (platonic) admiration.

Also, wanting to bugger Bill Kaulitz of Tokio Hotel does not make you gay.

So confused!

Joakim Broden - Sabaton

I already touched on this one last post, and although I hate Sabaton, I couldn't help but include this guy. It's also noteworthy that this is the only guy in the list who actually looks like a chutney shunter. While he does look kina gay, like a token bear, what separates him from say, Manowar, who also look super gay, is the playful nature of his (visual) gayness. While Manowar never smile, and posture far too seriously, I get the Impression that unlike Joey Demaio, he realises that he does look pretty gay, and plays along with it for laughs. Also, I was chatting so Sargent D of Stuff You Will Hate and Metal Inquisition, who is a man with "wizard level game", and he says alot of girls think he's gay at first, and then bam! he's lovin them up to Hollywood Undead's "No. 5". Therefore I suspect old Joakim may have an ulterior motive for looking so homosexual. Either this or he actually is gay, in which case, as an attractive, gay looking male in a reasonably successful band, he will be like a homing beacon to any other gay power metal fans out there (there are more than you may think). The last alternative is that he has no idea about the gayness at all, and it is all simply the charming naivity that comes with being Swedish. Anyway, he's just so butch, playful, and fun to watch live I can't help but have developed a basic man crush on the guy.

Gay Relationship type: He would joke around alot and I would sigh and tell him to behave. In bed he would generally give it, then in the morning he would make me breakfast and make me feel special.

Muhammed Suicmez - Necrophagist

Being German automatically gets this guy extra man crush points, as well as being a sick guitarist and vocalist. I know the other guitarist in my band, who left for Greece to become the Karate kid yesturday, took with him a picture of Muhammed as a kind of fatherly figure to inspire/watch over him. Hes kind of been the central collective man crush of my band pretty much since the beginning, like the partner we always cheat on but then regret it and return to him. That's a pretty powerful crush, especially seeing as Necrophagist haven't actually released anything since 2004 (since 2006, every year, Muhammed has said that the new album will come out that year...so far, after 6 years, he has one new song to show for it) yet despite this, we remain mostly faithful.

Gay Relationship type: Muhammed is like the "fatherly" partner, who imparts his wisdom and learnings at the cost of what he calls "some sugar".

Something like brokeback mountain, with me as Jake Gyllenhaal, and him as Heath Ledger.

Adam D - Killswitch Engage

This one is almost entirely based on the pinch harmonics this guy pulls off, and his smooth as fuck guitar tones. Me and a few friends base most of our rigs around him. Plus he's just really amusing to watch live. He comes out with ALL the best vagina jokes! Every time i've seen them he's always had something new and ridiculous to say. Plus he's probably the only person to decide to ream emo kids then launch into "My Curse", something he probably realizes how ridiculous it is. Maybe he's subversively mocking everyone....yeah, probably.

Hes some more classic stage banter

So yeah, awesome guitarist, producer, pinch harmonica, and stage banter pro.....pretty admirable no? You should want to fondle his balls. If you don't you're gay.

Gay Relationship type: Probably more of a kind of homosexual bromance, invisible to the naked eye.

Oli Sykes

I know many different straight males who talk openly about bumming Oli Sykes. He's just so damn androgynous and Scene he's practically female anyway. In fact if i was gay I probably
wouldn't give a shit, it's not as gay to rail guys who look like chicks anyway. He's pretty much only here because of his massive scene stigma. Apparently he's the only one in Bring Me The Horizon with any money, all because of that fucking clothes company.

Gay Relationship type: Ohhhh he would get reamed........

Adam Warren - Oceano

Because I had to include a large black man

Gay Relationship type: Ohhhh I would get reamed........

Festival season is OVVVEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!: Part Two: Bloodstock

2009-08-30T01:52:00.003+01:00

Its funny how when you're texting/msning a girl that you're, even only slightly interested in, you wait the same amount of time before replying that they did before replying to your last message...generally a little longer, to be safe. They normally do the same, resulting in the exponential growth of reply time, in a game of false dis-interest. Of course...this can make any meetings a fucking nightmare to arrange in time.

So yeah, Bloodstock,...Thanks to good ol Headbang, 5 of us got press passes, so we could hang out in the really quite pleasant press section, with free Monster Energy drinks...predictably resulting in me never sleeping and being even more of a "Bro" than usual...and my girl-with-boyfriend, who I also wrangled a pass, often feeling too sick to fool around. She also woke me up at 6 every morning getting up going to get a shower, but with the Monster, I was ok! Also met dudes from The Rotted (who are like, one of my favorite bands), The Haunted and Municipal Waste, which was chill. Everyone was totally down to earth and just cool to be with...especially Ben from The Rotted, who was already on "s'up" terms with Paul, through several prior interviews. Oh yeah, and I got to interview Equilibrium too.

Me with the Benster

Thanks to me getting CDs that actually work in the Thrash Metal Bandwagon, I was able to put on all sorts of annoying screamo crunk and deathcore on the journey...I like to think our arrival to the site was something like this

Although it was really us spilling out to some perplexed looking dude in a cut off Morbid Angel t shirt.

But yeah, we didn't do as many crazy things as Wacken I guess, just hung out backstage, drank energy drinks, photoed loads of bands, and watched them, which, I guess is what you're meant to do.

It was also a pleasant surprise to see Severed Heaven, this band I played with a while back, on some crappy unsigned stage.

I have a massive thing about the skull of the one with the blue streak...I always notice if a girl has an attractive skull.

As well as the singer from Sabaton's crotchal rip...

The power metal village people

Also, Cradle of Filth had to cut their set short due do one of their guitarists being hospitalised by a Gobstopper....seriously....

Incoming confectionary just out of shot

Although in general the people were quieter and more civil than Wacken (at least in the cararan site we were at). We did at one stage have to endure the noise of 3 middle aged men playing a Metal Hammer "battle metal" (read: shitty themed power metal) compilation from about 4 years ago out of their shitty transit van, basically fucking up the speakers, and not seeming to give a shit that it was skipping and fuzzing all over the shop. Nothing kills a moment with your girl like Dream Evil's "The Book Of Heavy Metal" being blared into your tent like a fuzzy old friend you thought you'd ditched a long time ago. I have no idea where i'm going to be when i'm middle aged, but i really hope its not at a festival with 2 other middle aged male loosers, making everyone hate me by blasting a compilation from a magazine aimed at a much younger demograph, with songs about "being a warrior". This is possibly the most laughable and half arsed attempt at being "down with the kids" that i've probably ever seen, beating anything David Cameron has done in recent years. What made it all the more depressing was how the CD itself was from about 4 years ago, and just about all the bands, and the general scene, have moved on massively. Kill me if this ever happens to me.

One night as well, we decided to venture out of the safety of our nice press pass assured camper van site, to the one for regular paying customers...where bands of people roamed around, awkwardly repeating phrases and memes, and got irritatingly drunk. Being that this wasn't in Germany, there was a massive male/female imbalance, meaning any girl was subject to intense attention from many, many very nerdy guys. At one point we found ourselves in with some extremely annoying Scottish people, who wouldn't shut up about Alestorm, a shitty Scottish pirate metal band (yeah, I know), so being the dickhead I am, told them all that they sucked, which bought some sanity to the group for a while. But we were sick of them anyway, so we stole someones hip flask and left. My girl was pretty much covered in nerds all the time as well, so at one point I had to push in and shout sarcastically "HEY GUYS, WE FOUND A GIRL....AT A METAL FESTIVAL!!!" and proceeded to drag her away. We never returned to this cest-pit.

My interview with Equilibrium was cool, kind of both a success and failure I guess, they had loads of interviews that day, and when I got to them they seemed pretty knacked, and the previous guy interviewing them had a big print out of "questions" and a professional looking microphone rig, so I took a more informal route. I loosened things up at first by chatting in German a bit (that instantly gets people on your side), and then for the interview, instead of doing my pre-arranged questions, I just chatted about, alcohol, food, mainly fish and chips, as well as cheese, and about how strange Bavaria is. Their Bass player also has an extremely, deep husky voice (for a girl), that some German girls have...it's very attractive in an unconventional way. Its a voice that tells you it's about to give you a good rodgering.

Yeah, not really much more to add to this.....it was a not particularly crazy, but still solid few days...............fuck it. Here's one of my demin jacket wearing friends dancing to brokeNCYDE for your amusement and/or horror...

And here's another picture of that glorious crotchal rip, on the singer of Sabaton, who, if I was gay, I would be so on his balls.....

Gay Porn: I'm gonna have to take you back to the station for some "questioning"

I think I might follow this up with a post about "people in bands I have a man-crush on".

Me Now: Fuck Yes!

2009-08-28T14:33:00.004+01:00

This morning I woke up, beat off, listened to Hollywood Undead, Necro, and Pantera, and now I'm about to put on some scene gear and get crunk! My girl-with-boyfriend fucked off to some festival yesterday night when we were meant to be meeting without telling me, so today i'm going all out, getting crunk, finding some other girl and broing down. I got a friends birthday party tonight too where we're gonna listen to the new Walls of Jericho album, hardcore dance, and probably listen to Attack Attack! and brokeNCYDE too! Then hit the fuckin town! Fuck yeah, tonight is gonna be sick! No bitch can bring me down!

Any of my 4 confirmed readers reading this, go listen to Everywhere I Go by Hollywood Undead, then get out there and get the fuck out of your comfort zone! What are your plans for tonight anyway...let me know bros, so tomorrow I can gloat that I had a better night ;)

A few days of random happenings and sightings

2009-08-23T15:52:00.012+01:00

"Has the match defeated girls you have drunk?"

Or so I was recently asked by a Chinese girl I was added by on ICQ, in reference to girls at English house parties and drinking games. I have no idea what this girl defeating "match" is....nor quite why i'm getting accused of "drinking" girls.

Going to Manchester to record guitar the other week all went to plan, with one small hiccup........THE FUCKING TRAIN CAUGHT FIRE!!!! Yes, I was on the train, when suddenly some typical working class English "dad" type came running up to the ticket guy and said "Excuse me mate, that carriage is full o smoke", at which the ticket bro went "Shit, fire!" and ran in the opposite direction.

So we evacuated the fucker at Chorley, where the firemen came and saw to things, the station was shut down as such, and we were all stranded there for about an hour, before some other train took us back the way we came to Preston, and then back another way to Manchester. All in all, what should have been a 1 hour journey, became about 3 and a half.

During our panicy time in Chorley, which played out like an episode of lost, more or less everyone gathered round the poor ticket bro, who was trying to explain the situation, and shouted at him about why they have to be in Manchester on time, why their situation is more despirate than anyone elses, and why the trainline should have been more prepared and this was their fault. Some old women, who no doubt reads a tabloid, started up about how they "don't care about people", or something. This whole episode was made all the more unbearable by the fact that everyone had a working class manc/north-west accent, and the majority of the outraged were female, and so went into that shrill, treblely nasal voice women use when they have a moment of self righteous rage.

Noticed a textbook chubby Pete Wentz fan, who always ended up stood near me, and probably hoped i'd start a conversation. Also, while near her one time, i heard a noise I would recognise anywhere....it sounded like a retard hitting a series of pots and pans, punctuated with a shrill DA!.......DA!........DA! She was listening to St Anger on her ipod nano. Actually, it was more like a "worst of Metallica" compilation, consisting of all the shit off St Anger, Load, and something quite possibly off Death Magnatic, which i haven't given the time yet, and probably never will. Something in the world is going amiss when slightly scene chubby girls are listening to latter day Metallica.

There was also some geeky dude painfully hitting on a similarly dorky girl, which was quite sweet i guess....I wonder if he got her number.

So anyway, after recording guitar at a bro's home studio rig, I went out on Manchester with a friends birthday procession, the night was relatively without incident, however, I did run into the death metal guy I saw at brokeNCYDE, and he has a cute scene girlfriend....I think. I was like "dude, were you at brokeNCYDE?" and he was like "yeah man", and then his friend said that we suck, so I was like, "you won't understand, don't worry if its too deep for you"...actually, this always happens when i introduce people to BC13.

On monday hung out with a friend from Germany who was traveling round and had a 20 bag, so we went out and got mega stoned. Unfortunately, everyone else we were with had normal midnight I-better-get-to-bed-now-I-have-an-early-start reaction, but we stayed up and broed down untill about 4, getting really high.

Over the past few days, I have got so sick of the word Irony. Everyone's always so "oh, its ok, they're doing it Ironically", or "he likes brokeNCYDE, but I think he's being ironic". All the fucking time. People use it to excuse shit taste, or wear terrible clothes...or make shitty cultural jokes which have already been done to death. Stupid people say it all the time in the wrong context, clever people say it all the time in an annoying context. In the same way people used to always say "pretentious", today's word of the retarded middleclass teenage/student masses is "Ironic". I wear ott Osiris shoes because I like them, I listen to brokeNCYDE because I like them............fuck you all. If you like something, don't be afraid to admit it

Not seen my Girl-who-has-boyfriend since bloodstock :(...may try and work in some jealously trap like Tom Cruise mentions on Magnolia....doubtless it will prove to be a Monumental Failure.

I think i've figured out how to write a blog...it dosn't matter what your subject matter is, so long as you throw in plenty of alt-culture references, some fucking irony, plenty of links to silly pictures...and maybe voice an opinion that no one else has thought of yet....extra marks if its meant ironically.

I also noticed I seem to reference brokeNCYDE in every post.............Skeet Skeet

The more vulnerable portion of the population in Lancaster seem to be taking new, more extreme methods to protect from the swine flu menace. By more vulnerable I mean old, and by more extreme I mean some kind of portable bio-dome.

A big day: Someone reads my blog

2009-08-19T23:57:00.004+01:00

After having written this blog with a kind of self imposed regularity and reluctance, the months of thought diarrhea and posting about silly irrelevant things have been finally rewarded, and by rewarded, I mean glanced over by some guy in America.

Yes, the infamous Sergent D of Metal Inquisition fame and more recently the controversial "Stuff You Will Hate" (with its abysmal color scheme, although is this ironic?), has left no fewer than three comments, all, unless my online sarcasm detector is on the fritz, positive in nature. This means one thing....someone has read my blog. I haven't told anyone about it, just kind of done it cos that's what the kids do nowadays, It was originally a displacement activity from studying for my first year finals conceived at about 5 or 6 in the morning, and since then it just kind of stuck like a bout of athletes foot that though you are kind of embarrassed about and don't show the world, you still like to get it out and have a good old self indulgent scratch once in a while. Therefore, that someone has found it and actually read what is pretty much a 21st century diary, makes me feel both overwhelmed and exposed. Like having a chick over who discovers your athletes foot and instead of being revolted, unexpectedly scratches it gently, while purring in your ear.

Maybe this is the beginning of me becoming a famous web scene kid, such as the notorious KikiKannibal, Zui Suicide, Dani Gore or whatnot....for a full list consult this yahoo answers page. I would probably need a new name, as my current name dosn't really rhyme with anything, much less any choice scene buzzwords like Br00tality, Gore, Suicide or any other words that are essentially a bad thing happening. I wonder if there is a limit to how far that can go. For example, I would kind of like something sort of medical and Carcass-esque...maybe a rare disease. Mikey Maleria, or Ethan Ebola would be cool....if I was called Mike or Ethan. Or maybe just an obscure organ....DannyDuodenum (thats part of your large intestine). These strike me as much more interesting than vague words like Gore and Suicide. Give them a little TM on the myspace and heyyyy...new scene hero.

So anyway, the fact that the first person to read my blog (that I know of) is Sergent D is an exiting development because Metal Inquisition was the first blog I really started following, and taught me such important life lessons like it's ok to like brokeNCYDE and Slam Metal simultaniously, if your friends make fun of you for wearing something, chicks will most likely dig it (within reason, I once wore a pair of swimming trunks in my school days so small i didn't notice I had a bollock hanging out, that took about 2 years to live down), how to tastefully appropriate Wigger culture into metal, not to ever go to New Jersey, and that pretty much all careers in metal end in depressing living conditions and a meaningless middle age existance. If you are the second person to read my blog and haven't already, check his blogs, read them, and learn.

The fact that a glance over by some 30 odd year old American recovering metalhead in the midst of a early-onset midlife crisis (although unlike in American Beauty, where Kevin Spacey buys a sweet car, instead he opts for the more financially viable option of liking brokeNCYDE), much like I cling to my fleeing teenage years by dressing like a 17 year old instead of a 20 year old, and hang around with 18 year olds, has inspired me to waste time writing this post when I could have been learning German, practicing guitar, or at the very worst playing GTA4, shows just how hopeless the internet is turning our generation, and sending our prioritys to shit. Horray for a passive aggressive future where irony is slopped on so thick that saying anything means the opposite as well, depending on which is more hip at the time. I knew starting a blog was a bad idea.

Tomorrow I go to Manchester to record some guitar for sick new songs in a friends sick home studio. They are largely about rape and dismemberment. I also need to get the other guitarist down before he fucks off to Greece and becomes the Karate Kid.

Festival season is OVVVEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!: Part One, Wacken

2009-08-19T17:44:00.017+01:00

And by season, I mean the two festivals i went to, Wacken and Bloodstock, as I didn't have the money or lack of apathy to get my shit in gear and go to Tuska, Download (still gutted about missing Limp Bizkit), Metal Camp, or Hellfest.

If you want to know about the music or any of the boring stuff like that which also happens at metal festivals, look at Headbang, the Bloodstock review will be up shortly, and have lots of nice juicy pictures, as we got a photo pit pass :). This post however, is about the fun shit that comes from getting crunk, the main reason people come to festivals.

It was a good 2 days drive from the Northwest of England to Germany for Wacken, in Jim's fabled "Thrash Metal Bandwagon", a turquoise van that he used to use for his old band "Dead To Sin" and still has their logo and "Real Thrash Metal" written down the side in faded writing. Everyone knew the 6 of us meant business as we drove into the campsite in a beaten up Volkswagen van with this written on the side, all the wimps and posers kept their distance, even Manowar fans looked timid in the presence of the "Real Thrash Metal" Volkswagen van. However, the German security people were apparently neither wimps nor posers, as we were told several times that we had parked in the wrong place and would have to move.

Our infamous mechanic Harry "The mighty" Quinn, looks under the impressive hood of the Thrash Metal Bandwagon in a "Machine Fuckin' Head" T Shirt. You think that's coolant? Its the ubiquitous toxic waste that thrash metal bands always base their artwork on, and acts as fuel for the van.

All was however good, as soon we were set up and making friends, and by pure coincidence a friend from Manchester university arrived and set up next to us with her crew.

So pretty much the whole time there we were drinking beer non stop, hanging out and doing dumb shit, watching awesome bands, I went hardcore dancing, my new era cap managed to stay on all through Machine Head's very violent set much to my glee and surprise (although Jim did drop it in some floored ravioli, so it felt like an empty victory), and I figured out how to play my mp3 player in the van after my mix CDs failed to work in its shitty old CD player, so I still got to listen to brokeNCYDE as well as all the awesome metal I got that week!!!

I would now like to take a paragraph and apologize to the decade beginning 1980, The cities New York and L.A, Kerry King, James Hetfield, That fat singer of Testament, Gary Holt and anyone who has ever worn a denim jacket with patches; I am sorry for playing brokeNCYDE out of a van that says on the side "Real Thrash Metal". I have soiled your ancient (3 decades) tradition with this modern abortion, i have raped your beliefs and values. The only way this could have been any worse is if it had the Warriors of the World cover on the side. Sorry, i really am..........

Appology aside, the combination of brokeNCYDE and the Thrash Metal Bandwagon led to the discovery of possibly the best pickup line ever; "Do you want to listen to brokeNCYDE with me in my friend's van". I had just left a group of people and was in a happily tipsy state, and was about to go to bed when I noticed another group of friends. My unusual attire of vulgar brightly coloured hoodie and shuttershades allowed me to instantly steal centre of attention, and found myself chatting to a cute, although slightly chubby German girl. I dropped the brokeNCYDE/thrash metal bombshell, and within minutes she was polishing my quiver bone in the back of the van, if you catch my drift, all the while with the brokeNCYDE album playing on the speakers. The whole length of the hummer I couldn't help but think of how proud Se7en and Mikl would have been, if only i had this to say to them when I interviewed them. I was literally living the BC13 dream, in fact most of their lyrics spewing from the speakers I could directly relate to in the moment, and there was nothing gay about the fact that while I was getting head in Jim's van all I could think about was a group of effeminate guys with blonde highlights from New Mexico. Midway through someone shouted "Jim, ******'s doing some bird in your van!", to which the reply from Jim's tent was "he better bloody not be!"

The next day I got with another German girl with a mega rack, although unfortunately this time brokeNCYDE played no part in it :/, simply being the only guy in a square mile NOT to worship the fucking ground she walked on. Metal festivals are so full of socially retarded guys and stuck up girls who take advantage of this and get armies of minions following them everywhere, so keeping a fucking level head and just having fun works like no mans buisness.

We also made a sport of jumping off the van using an inflatable couch to catch us, ultimately resulting in it bursting, and a video of one of our number doing it naked. To put this into perspective, this is standing on top of a van in a field full of people, and taking your clothes off...there isn't many more attention gathering ways of getting naked than this, short of actually broadcasting it on TV, or doing internet porn. Weirdest was the fact that he did this with minimal sugestion, and after a moments reflection decided he would "Keep ma socks on".

Me gracefully completing a complex "face-dive" maneuver from the top of the Thrash Metal Bandwagon

Another fun event was when two German girls came around with a beer bong, and more or less raped Harry the Mechanic into swallowing beer rapidly through a tube, resulting in this video, which is probably the closest thing society will come to non nude worksafe hardcore German pornography

As you can probably tell, and I gauged from the situation, the one holding the beer bong was an extreme cock tease, while the one who gulps up the beer seemed like something of a bicycle. Here is an image of the event, and probably the most sexually charged photo on blogspot.

This image is more arousing than over half of the contents of tube8. That's me filming it on my camera by the way.

It wasn't all fun and boobs though, oh no. At one point Harry the mechanic in one of his more violent moods threw several glass bottles at various people including a member of security, resulting in a team of them (well, 2 of them) storming our camp in a quad bike, intimidating the hell out of us with their German accents, (think every second world war film ever) and demanding to see our passports. One of them almost hit me when i shouted at them to " Dude, Chill the fuck out!", which looking back was a stupid thing to do. After the initial storming they got much more friendly, and advised us that if we wanted to start shit, do it in another camp site so they couldn't trace us here. Good advice, but odd coming from a member of security.

I also met this awesome guy called Oli while pissing next to him in a bush, and ended up hanging out with him loads, listening to him talk about how much he wanted to fuck his super hot scene girlfriend back in Baden-Baden. He was a class guy, here is me holding him like the child I never had, and him appreciating the warmth and fartherlyness I offered, while drinking cheap gross German beer like a dummy/pacifyer.

I felt Billy Mays had the kind of fatherly image I should go for, as I cradle my pet scene kid.

Oli, if you read this, me and the guys wana stay in touch! Leme know if you see this and we can hang out again next Wacken!

At the end of the festival I saw this couple of metal heads having the most long goodbye ever next to the remains of our camp.

This was the best one I could get before they noticed me and I started to creep myself out

It was pretty cute to see this presumably fresh romance blossoming amidst the chaos of the last morning, I hope they're still in touch. We kind of ruined the mood slightly, just out of shot is Harry trying to jump start the Van and swearing loudly in a way that only Northern British people can. They paused their mutual affection to behold the curious and most likely alien spectacle of working class Britain jump starting a van that says "Real Thrash Metal" on the side (god, that never gets old). As they finally said goodbye she walked off and he stayed for ages, watching her go, leaning on the barrier of the light behind them. I neglected to tell him that we had been urinating on it since day one, it was obviously one of those moments you don't break for no amount of urine. Had he known, I doubt all the urine in Manchester would have stopped him from having his cool, nonchalantly-leaning-while-watching-your-girl-walk-away moment, popularized by so many romantic comedies, or Romcoms. Hygiene just isn't a priority at times like that. Seeing that made me feel so empty after my week of meaningless decadence, and i began to wish for whatever that guy...leaning on our makeshift urinal...felt right then, looking cool as she walks away, occasionally glancing back and giggleing at him. I began to miss my sort of bootycall back home, even though she has a boyfriend, and whatever twisted interpretation of romance we were scraping together. We will probably never get a moment as intense as the one I witnessed here, but maybe I could try at something,at least enough to make her miss me for a while when we go our separate ways to uni, provided her boyfriend dosn't have me lynched. At least I won't be unknowingly leaning in piss.

All in all, an awesome festival and a cracking week, even with sight fall outs, and Harry the notorious mechanic almost sexually assaulting a drunk girl and getting in a fight with her boyfriend. On the way out, the Thrash Metal Bandwagon broke down on the autobahn, resulting in us having to get out and push the fucker off the road onto the hard shoulder amidst all the traffic, who weren't exactly co-operative. All this with Sabaton still playing, taunting us with gay power metal songs about victory. Apparently the god of Thrash just weren't enough to keep the thing going, or maybe it was just getting us back for defiling it with brokeNCYDE, who knows, only Harry the Mechanic. Anyhow, a short walk for Jim to the nearest petrol station to pick up some diesel, looking like a tit in a luminous yellow coat, and we were on our merry way again.

The sign said diesel, as we waited for Jim to return, unsure we would ever see him again. It definitely felt a lot like the beginning of a new generation horror film, van of metalheads and scene kids braking down in the north of Germany after a festival, to be hacked up one by one.

After that we had an awesome barbeque at one of our number's German girlfriend's house in Hamburg, where the parents absolutely loved me, and I practiced all my German speaking skillz. My charm was so much that we got on great even though I was wearing my infamous "devourment" t-shirt.

We take over a humble suburban German household. On the back it says "She should have said yes". Plus now you know what Billy Mays looks like in a New Era cap and Devourment t-shirt.

It was a relaxing end to the week, and we got to shower each. I thought about trying it on with my friend's girlfriend's cute sister, but in the end was just too tired to bother, maybe next year.

Account of Bloodstock to follow!!!

Music Vs Reality

2009-08-10T13:46:00.010+01:00

Recently, the drummer in my band decided to quit, in order to go to Huddersfield for university. As well as this, our singer is more or less AWOL, spending more time with his girlfriend, his high paying job, and his nice high rising flat in the center of Manchester, and his less committal, peaceful indie type band that requires significantly less time and effort than technical death metal. On top of that, the other guitarist is about to jet off for Greece for a year to learn and teach kung-fu with the legendary "grand master" he often tells us about, who apparently ran around in vietnam without a weapon killing people with his bare hands, and has killed 2 people with some kind of heart stopping preassure move, and become some kind of Karate kid incarnate, probably in a year that will be much like this i imagine.

Even me myself, am not at my best having lost a lot of time studying my balls off for the finals, which I did infact pass, narrowly. I'm even spending a year in germany after this one as part of my course, which will be a further blow to the already severly beaten dream of making it in a death metal band.

With this, has come reflection, and the realisation that making it in a death metal band, despite being what i've wanted more than anything for the past 5 or 6 years, is actually, not that great an ambition, compaired to going to university and getting a good job. Most people in bands sacrifice their futures for a few years of glory, but no matter how big you become, you will always eventually have to return to the daily grind of mundane life, and often, it isn't all too welcoming after your time off, and musicians, no matter how renowned or celebrated, often end up in terrible dead end jobs, and grow old ungracefully, always wishing for the former glory. It was a depressing wake up call for me when I learnt that Pin from Sikth, one of my biggest influences and responsible for possibly my favorite album of all time, now works in a call center somewhere in greater Manchester now that Sikth have broken up. Even a band as huge as Motorhead, after watching a tour diary, seem to lead quite a grim existanc of constant touring in order to afford life, constantly harking back to better days. And then there's Manowar, who, as much as they suck, are undeniably successful for a metal band, and you would have thought have at least reasonable living conditions. So as much as dropping everything to play metal, go touring and maybe produce some kind of pinnicle CD appeals, I don't think it would be worth the loss of a secure financialy stable future, and secure middle class familly life with a pet dog and holidays to the south of France which, despite being repuatably dull, is actually something i'm really looking forward to.

You kind of notice that alot of people who are still into metal in their middle ages are massive loosers, and this probably scares a lot of people into growing up. I'm hoping that in the next couple of decades or so, there is a boom in the amount of normal successful middle aged people who are into metal and have plenty of faded tattoos, to prove that metalheads arn't all loosers.

This slow death of dreams dosn't nessacerily mean a loss of identity and allegiance to metal. I'm gonna be playing guitar for the rest of my life (at least untill the onset of arthritis), and going to shows. I'm still gonna be getting tattoos, and following the scene, its just not gonna be the only thing about me. I'm hoping I don't end up like this:

rather than become a quite typical dad like mine (hopefully a cool dad), albeit who happens to love death metal and has faded tattoos. I don't even want a "Metal" family, rather than a quite "square" partner and kids who find their own cultures to love. I remember at the Tuska festival a couple of years ago, I saw this tastefully metalheadish middle aged guy, who turned out to watch Emperor with his non-metal wife, who kina looked slightly hippieish. He watched the band for a little bit, but after a while, when it was clear she wasn't enjoying it, he took her further back so they could talk. That woman was probably the most out of place person there, but the fact they would go to Tuska as part of an evening out kind of warms me. Hopefully he went to some grateful dead or something gig with her too.

Its a shame though that so many people completely drop the subculture they were as they realise that musical dreams arn't gonna come to fruition. I'm pretty much the only person in my class at uni that dresses like any kind of subculture, with new era caps and devourment t shirts amoung the swarms of Akercrombe and Fitch, Horizontal stripes, and Topman. Almost every metal head I know has now cut their hair, and pretty much stopped listening to metal, as a part of "fitting in" with their new university friends. I never really hung out with other metalheads much through my teen years, so maybe thats why at uni im so comfortable keeping my identity and dressing like a metalhead/scene kid amounst other student friends. I definitely aren't treated any differently, and if I was, well, I wouldn't hang out with them.

So as reality sets in, I still am and always will be very much proud of who I am and was, and will keep the identity. Its just a shame that there are so few people in the middle, everyone eather drops all identity and conforms to middle class comfort, or keeps it up, persues their dreams, maybe with some success, but ultimately ends up a massive looser.

Not dead

2009-08-05T15:17:00.002+01:00

Just got back from wacken, and it was fucking sick, full post to follow.

Big Fat Box Of Shit: Best Metal Album Ever?

2009-07-23T20:28:00.008+01:00

As it turned out, I was indeed not screwed over, and am now kina seeing this chick behind her boyfriends back, hopefully for the rest of the summer, till we both go back to university, when I will be sad :(. Anyhow, its been a while cos I've been busy doing absolutely fucking nothing. Which is awesome. Borrowing more money and drinking Corona and lime, listening to the black brokeNCYDE, and checking out awesome Deathcore bands. Anyhow, the reason for this post was brought to me a couple of days ago, after a lengthy and costly game of poker, during which me and some friends brought out an old personal relic, "Big Fat Box Of Shit" by Crotchduster.

The album, which is essentially a 9 track rip into every genre of metal thus far (its a shame this came out before screamo crunk), and showing the world how silly and easy it is to make metal, is the creation of messieurs Slippery Jim, Fornicus, and Kane, who is a dog, and plays the drums.

Kane, sporting what is no doubt a zOMG brutal obscure death metal band that peaked a few decades ago t-shirt.

Fornicus, one of the two human members of the band, is also known as Jason Suecof, the well known producer and mixer, and also plays guitar in Capharnuam, some reasonably nondescript tech death band that had Matt Heafey of Trivium on vocals at some point. He is probably best known for being pushed off his wheelchair (yes, Invalid) into a swimming pool by Chimera on an awesome youtube video I can't find at the moment, and this one, which was on the end of the Chimera DVD:

Hes been looking for the greatest guitar sound...he won't get it here, so we'll send it to Andy Sneap

The bands shindig is best summed up by the lengthy, but very amusing "about" section in their myspace, and website which i think is down now, being that they were pretty much a one off with this album, and can't afford to keep hosting it:

Crotchduster exists for one reason and one reason only; tax fraud.

I know you were expecting something like "To put out the most bone crushing, devestatingly brutal music ever in the history of man" or, "To bring about an end to the lies of Christ with music spawned in the lowest depths of hell, and lyrics written for us by the goat lord himself".

No, no. Thats just ridiculous and silly, and quite frankly beneath us.. but hiding income from the government, well hot damn, thats a worthwhile pursuit. How does our Ponzi scheme work? I'll tell you (and by "you'' I mean YOU, and that's it)..

You go blabbing this to anyone else, and by Lucifer's beard, I swear I'll tell the guys in Black Witchery what you said about their sexual identity.

To grasp our financial secrets you have to know Bill Williams. Williams is the only human (that we know of) capable of inter-dimensional travel. Like any good capitalist, Williams used this ability for greed and plunder. He found a dimension (The real name of it is unknown, Williams insists we call it "Williamsburgland". He's sort of self important that way) that at one time had been the pinnacle of advancement. This came to a screeching hault when they ran out of the one substance they use for everything (Combine all the uses we have for water and petroleum, and you'll get an idea of the importance of this liquid to them).

This is a classic case of demand waiting for a supply. He told us (Crotchduster) of this opportunity, and at our urging he brought us back soil and air samples (He's not scientifically inclined like we are, the only reason he can travel inter-dimensionally is because he's got a PhD in dumptruck mechanics and he just blasted his way there).

From these we were able to reconstruct the cellular make-up of this mysterious liquid (I'd tell you what it is, but screw you, find your own dimension of people to exploit). Let's just say that one of the ingredients is ground up goat teeth, and all their goats are extinct due to a shift in atmospheric pressure on account of the universe expanding the way it does.

Now, here's the crux of the whole matter:

We make this liquid (which we call Mammal Sauce) and we give it to Williams. Williams takes it (along with a dumptruck full of paying tourists) to Williamsburgland, and sells it for a price that would make you gag. He takes 50% of the profits, and deposits our 50% in an inter-dimensional account (the exchange rate between currencies is roughly even).

Beats the hell out of an off shore tax shelter, doesn't it? How the hell do you trace money across dimensions? You don't. So, whenever we need some dough we just mix up a batch of Mammal Sauce, give Williams a couple withdrawal slips, and await his return. To keep ourselves busy, we write music. The writing process for Crotchduster is very unique. See, inter-dimensional travel puts quite a strain on Williams' brain. It upsets his brain chemical balance, screws with his central nervous system, and gives him temporary clairvoyance. In short, he goes stark raving mad. (Thats why we send Cain with him - Somebody's got to drive the truck while Williams is incapacitated. Plus, Cain writes down everything Williams says during these episodes. These mad ramblings later become Chrotchduster's lyrics.) So, our music has to be as crazy and disjointed as the lyrics. And, because of the temporary clairvoyance, every song we've ever written has fit perfectly with the lyrics we recieved upon Williams' return.

The recording techniques we use are unique as well. We only use one mic, and our multitrack is 16 two track machines from 1957 synched together with a stopwatch and some telephone cord. Most of the music is written, performed, and recorded by Fornicus and Slippery Jim. Cain's expertise really shines through during the mixdown process. Being a dog allows Cain to hear into frequency ranges that we, as humans, cannot. Although we can't hear them, these frequencies have octaves that color the things we can hear. So, all we had to do was teach Cain how to use the console and all the outboard gear.

So, to recap;

Williams gets rich off our Mammal Sauce. We get rich off his ability to travel to other dimensions and we also get lyrics for Crotchduster (which is nothing more than a cover for us to portray ourselves as "starving artists" so we can continue to claim the Earned Income Credit on our tax returns). Nobody pays taxes on any of this money, and we save a dying dimension in the process. Beats the holy hell out of any other crappy ass reason for making music.

Except pussy.. that's still the best reason ever.

So anyway, throughout the album they flip between rap, death metal, nu metal, that weird metally punky style you sometimes get, and pretty much everything else. Bands I noticed mimicked included Slayer, Obituary, Megadeth, Morbid Angel, The Berzerker, possibly Korn, and a load others. The best thing though, and one that me and my friends listened to on the way to wacken, reciting it word for word, is the last track "Crotchopus", a 14 minute epic. From the "I'm trying to masturbate!" at the beginning to the conversation at the end, we fucking loved the childishness and hilarity of the whole thing. A particular favorite, from the "Hate Mail" section at the end, was the quote "Jenny, a womans job consists of anal, swallowing loads, and shutting up, it says so in the bible". We would loudly recite this all festival long, to our immature glee.

Also, as jokey as the band are, I have found no better musical expression of male desire than the beginning of Big Top Williams, with the extremely epic sounding "Let me fuck your pussy, let me fuck that fucking shit" passage. I personally believe this to have more truth and artistic integrity to it than any other love song ever, and any poem, including William Shakesperes "Sonnet 130". It's so bullshit free and direct, that it pretty much encompasses romantic intent, without getting all gay about it, like Type O Negative. Just go after the system of a down bit, around 0:35.

As well as this theres the "live" song, "Stars Ingenious Cooter", which successfully makes fun of the live performance of every metal band ever, Mammal sauce, with the gloriously gay sounding metalcore "Wooaaahhhh" riff, which pretty much nails the parody, Let me into starfish Land, which has an awesome detune chugfest riff while singing in a gruff voice about wanting to lick someone's asshole...and plenty more i can't think of right now. Every Parody is lovingly executed in a way that only someone wayyy into metal could do, making it seem just as affectionate as malicious. inadvertently one of the best metal albums I have.

Deja Vu

2009-07-13T04:30:00.002+01:00

i am probably going to soon get fucked off by a girl, and spend the rest of the summer practicing guitar, drinking alone, and writing death metal songs about rape........like every summer

Another awesome night: Crunk Kids vs Hipsters

2009-07-09T00:42:00.007+01:00

So, the friends outdoor indie film i saw last night wasn't actually that bad in terms of hipster activity, a few jumpers and minimal thick glasses and silly beards, but the most ridiculous people there by far were me and my brother, so i don't really have a right to poke fun at anyone else.

Lets get freaky now, lets get fucking freaky now

The film and the music weren't that bad either, although seeing as it was live there's no chance of a youtube. Afterwards, as people started the usual "oh its getting late and I have an early start tomorrow" routene, I managed to pull enough of a tantrum to get a sizable amount of people to stay out. We hit a pub, then me and my brother went back to this girl my brother knows flat with another girl he knows, I got semi fucked up on her mums wine, tried to make custard and failed horribly, heavily made out with one of the girls to Killswitch Engage, stopping just short of second (she had a boyfriend or something), and left at 6. Another fucking ace night! Also, at one point when we were both topless in the living room, my brother burst in dressed as a Darlek, and shouted "Look what I found!!!!", then realised it was on the wrong way round and left to go bully the other girl who was trying to sleep.

Despite earlier ballaching, summers also being pretty good. I not got my results yet, but I've ended up chilling back home in Lancaster, got enough overdraft to not have to work, cept a week helping out at the uni graduation for £500, and its been class so far. Phewwwwww, now so long as the results are ok.............

Get Crunk: An evening with brokeNCYDE

2009-07-05T19:34:00.006+01:00

A few weeks ago, I posted about a night I went to see and interview brokeNCYDE for Headbang. As promised, here is said interview. I'm well aware that as far as interviews go, it's pretty poor, but hell, considering Mikl was simultaniously doing this and checking myspace, it ain't too bad.

Headbang: Firstly, an introduction, tell us about how the band came to be and about where you’re from.

Mikl: I’m Mikl, this is Sev, erm, we started the band back in 2004, our girlfriends broke up with us around this time so our music was partly inspired by that.

Headbang: What’s the Scene like in new Mexico

Mikl: Mostly Metal, so us doing what we do was really different so we just wanted to step out and reach out to a lot of different people

Headbang: Did that cause any conflict with the Metal scene in the beginning?

Se7en: Well, there was the metal scene and like our scene. We like invented our own scene.

Headbang: So in the beginning before you established your scene, was it ever hard to get gigs and stuff because you didn’t fit in with anything?

Se7en: We started opening up for metal bands, and like, our music’s so gay compared to metal, but we still won some fans from it.

Headbang: So you kind of started your own scene from the local metal scene?

Se7en: Yeah, kina

Headbang: So, first time in England, how’s the reaction been and everything?

Mikl: Really good, a lot of kids come out and we’re really happy

Headbang: Surpirised?

Mikl: Yeah, its really surprising, we’re thankful for all of the fans that come out.

Headbang: Where are you going after this?

Mikl: home tomorrow, then it’s the warped tour, then we come back hear for a show in Holland and a show in London, then we have time off finally. The after that we have a five week tour in Europe. We’re always touring!

Headbang: Tell us about the new album you’re about to release

Mikl: Yeah, its on myspace now, I don’t know why, but it drops the 15^th here and the 16^th in the States.

Headbang: And how are reactions?

Mikl: A lot of people are happy, there’s people who don’t like how we re-did some of the songs, but they don’t understand that we had to because when we first did them it was in a closet. When you’re in a studio it’s really hard to replicate what you know, we tried to do what we could to make it sound as close as possible, but it had to sound like an even record, and true fans understand that.

Headbang: If you could put together a tour with anyone else, who would you chose?

Mikl: I think a crazy tour would be us, 3OH!3, Hollywood Undead and Breath Carolina

Headbang: How do you feel having polarized opinions so much, in that people either hate or love you?

Mikl: It was what it is, people either hate us or love us, If you don’t like us it’s not that hard to go to someone else.

Headbang: Where did the idea of the song “Bree Bree!” come from?

Se7en: Grindcore bro! Grindcore, Metal, Hardcore, that’s all there was back in New Mexico, we wanted to make fun of the local band’s vocals so we just got some club beats with their vocals and made this random song.

Headbang: Which Grindcore bands are you into?

Se7en: Job for a Cowboy, Dr Acula, I like a lot.

Headbang: A lot of people say it was “Waking the Cadaver” inspired.

Se7en: People thought it was a song against cops, or a song for vegetarianism, there’s so many rumours about the song, and no one knows the true origin of it, its just a fun song making fun of grindcore! We didn’t expect it to be the song that everyone knew us for.

Headbang: Are there any plans to do more pig squeals in the future?

Mikl: No, some of the songs have a little bit of grind, but nothing intense

Se7en: Haha Its kina hard to do good squeals anyway, we were really trying and I didn’t know how to squeal at all so I just kind of did whatever.

Headbang: Out of all the shows you’ve played what have been the worst and the best?

Mikl: I don’t see any shows as bad, I see them as learning experiences

Se7en: As long as they’re kids there and they’re happy, it can be 5 kids or 5000.

Mikl: There have been show with not many being there, but we still play our hearts out onstage.

Headbang: What would you be doing if you weren’t doing this?

Mikl: Who knows, I’d probably be working somewhere trying to make a living, looking for my nitch in life. Sevens always been doing music so he’d still probably be doing music.

Headbang: Before brokeNCYDE were you in any other bands or anything?

Mikl: No, I have never been in a band, ever.

Se7en: I was like this solo, underground hip-hop artist. It was way different from brokeNCYDE, it was very lyrical. About the government, politics, really complex stuff. (laughing) it was way deeper than brokeNCYDE.

Headbang: Hows do you guys unwind on tour?

Mikl: We really don’t, we’re always touring so when we do get time off it’s like maybe a week

Se7en: And during that time we’re always doing interviews or writing lyrics or doing something involving the band. Its been going on like this for over 2 years now.

Headbang: What are your favorite alcoholic drinks?

Mikl: I don’t drink, but these guys drink everything. From hard liquor to Corona. Everything, alcohols alcohol.

Headbang: How long can you see the band going on in its current state?

Mikl: I don’t know, we just take it a day at a time. We don’t wana look forward. That’s probably the right thing to do, but we don’t wana be disappointed y’know? We just want to continue doing this, making people happy, that’s all we care about. Our fans.

So, we got all the "its all about the fans" cliches in there! And not even a hint of irony, exept from good ol' se7en. Pretty funny how seriously Mikl's taking this whole thing, when they're the most ridiculous thing out there. Also, who'd have thought one of the men behind 40oz dosn't drink. Well, fuck it, they crunk my world anyway so good times. Went cruising today in my friends new saxo blasting their album out...it was sweet. Now im gonna go and watch some short film by my hipster friends with live hipster music, if anything funny happens, or just any unintentionally hilarious hipster activity i'll post a report. I expect there to be lots of jumpers and thick rimmed glasses. Me and my brother are of course going in brightly colored street wear and shutter shades. My brother's already been pissing off the guy by posting on the facebook wall for the event "does the main charactor die in the end?", which happens, predictably, to be true. Spoiler warning. But to be fair, the main charactor dies at the end of all these arty films, so it wasn't much of one. Saw one of the bands a few days ago, because it was dark all i could really see was the apple logo on the Mandatory mac these people always seem to use. Kina depressing. I guess i should support my friends artistic endevours, even if i do just end up embarressing them in front of their hipster friends, which seems likely to happen.

Important musical developments of the new millenia: Attack Attack

2009-07-01T01:18:00.004+01:00

Its great that nowadays, people seem to be combining more or less anything, bringing everyone closer together and making us all more open minded. I mean, thanks to brokeNCYDE and Dot Dot Curve hamfistedly jamming some screams over club/techno beats, i can now appreciate pop music much more, thus becoming a much more pleasant, tolerant member of society. In fact, who knows where we would be without the revolutionary spirits of the aforementioned. "Spanky" from Dot Dot Curve perfectly displays this artistic attitude on the groups myspace:

"About Spanky..... he is a BAMF who just dont give a flying fuck what you think! why is he all inked up in funny shit? cuz he dont give a fuck. why does he have fucked up hair? cuz he just dont give a fuck. he does what he wants. if he likes it he does it and dont give a fuck if anyone else does. he doesnt care or want your approval. only thing spanky cares about is music."

Quite Mr Spanky.....BAMF indeed. Although this may sound like some sickeningly self indulgent pre-pubescent goth whining, it is actually a portrait of the mind of an artistic genius. I'm assuming BAMF means "Bad Ass Mother Fucker", but I'm not sure.

So anyway, even if Spanky does come off as kind of a douche, you gotta kina admire putting together completely different things in music. Although butthurt metal fans are whining about trueness, myspace hair and aload of other shit, they are just the angry confused voice of a bygon age, like my grandma getting angry at the fasion taste of Dante from the game "Devil May Cry".

So anyhow, the point of this post, is to say, that without this new experimental attitude to music, we would never have got the awesome "Stick Stickly", by Attack Attack. Now, unless you've already seen it, skip to 2:30 and let it play.........then get your mind blown!

And check out the fucking running dance at 2:53! I'm doing that next club I go to!

N.B I am aware that "experimental" music and combining genres or approaching them with a blaze attitude is not a new thing, in fact because my brother worships Mike Patton I am exposed to a lot of this kina thing, I just find my examples extra noteworthy cos its the kind of thing that pisses off so many people, and i really, really like it.

Allison Harvard, my heart burns for thee

2009-06-28T08:11:00.007+01:00

I discovered about this chick browsing the /tv/ board at 4chan, but damn, i think i'm in love bro! I could get one of my many nosebleeds and she'd lie underneath it, then dance covered in my blood. Then we'd watch some really violent film and snuggle, before falling asleep in a mess of caked blood.......this fantasy is over!

Me being English and someone who never watches tv means i'm most likely way behind on this, but after a quick look on youtube, i was severly hooked. The eyes man! I love fucked up girls like this, when I was 15 a had a girlfriend who would carry around pictures of death scenes and shit, and we'd talk about ways to kill ourselfs...looking back it was probably the most tight relationship I ever had, I wonder what she's up to now?

Tomboy fuck yeah!

Like most girls with weirdness like this, chances are that either now or soon she will "mature" into something boring and vapid that doesn't wear Nirvana t shirts and ripped jeans, something made more likely by hanging around with models. Teenage angst can be pretty ace sometimes, i dunno why everyone has to hate on it so much. Someday she'll probably look back on the blood thing and scoff and act embarrassed, and blame it on said angst. But anyway, heres to hoping she stays weird. YUSSSSS!!!!

BC13, end of term, and an awesome night

2009-06-19T06:21:00.008+01:00

Well, its been a while since the last post since exams have finished and I've been very busy not giving a fuck about anything, writing sweet tech death metal tunes on Cubase, and playing Red Alert 3 online endlessly with my brother. However, last Saturday, just a few days after my last exam, I did do something very noteworthy. I went and both saw and interviewed the marmite-esque brokeNCYDE.

I got there around quarter to five, when already there were a few young myspace scene chicks hanging out side, and a few androgynous douches with Suicide Silence or Carnifex t-shirts. Trying to initiate any conversation with anyone was completely fruitless, and let to blank stares and instant suspicion. I had even made an effort to fit in, wearing a brash white hoodie with neon bones, and a Boy Will Drown t shirt, so perhaps it was my silly little tuft of chin hair that gave me away as being most likely 5 years senior of the average age. This was all very dispiriting, as listening to brokeNCYDE makes you think their fanbase must be carefree, fun loving and down to party, instead of prissy, middle class, and closed up. There should have been crates of carlsberg and pre-drinking in that alley, not standing in a line with myspace hair, not talking to anyone damn! Or maybe I am just getting (relatively) old. I definatly feel very unlucky that i missed getting to hang out with chicks like that by about only a couple of years or so. In fact next time the BC13 come around i'm gonna gather a group of friends and do said drinking outside, and show the fuckers to practice what brokeNCYDE preach, instead of just dressing like they do.

Anyway, i met up with the tour manager Adam, who was a sound guy, and went in for the interview. Entering the backstage the band were all in separate corners of the room, individually on laptops, on myspace or something. And Phat J (the one with the headband in the picture, does synths or something) was no where to be seen the whole night :(. I was met with dis-intersted grunts when introduced by Adam, and sat down with Mikl, one of the MCs (green t shirt in the pic). This was a big mistake, as the dude was extremely monotonous, pre-ocupied with his laptop, and pretty disinterested. Se7en however, the other MC (front wearing pink in the pic), was really cool, and stood by answering questions with much more good humour and spontinuity, so I should have probably sat with that guy instead. The problem with Mikl, was that he seemed a bit too serious about everything, which is kind of rediculous when your band is brokeNCYDE. Se7en seemed pretty aware that the whole thing was just a fun mess around though, and even said brokeNCYDE wasn't as deep as his prevoius stint as a solo hip hop artist. Meanwhile, Antz, the other guy at the back who dosn't seem to really do anything, and is much fatter in person, just kina hung around and wandered in and our intermitantly. Still, Mikl was probbaly just tired or something, and to be honest, no one really wants to see a random dude from a relatively unknown webzine when you're in a state.

Anyway, the gig was cool (short but still good), met up with somefriends, and participated in a "crunk pit". Was kina hoping the band dressed more outragously, with shutter shades and revolting hoodies and whatnot, but hey, whatevs right? Also one of the support bands had this indian guitarists who at one point asked "is anyone in here brown like me?" leading to an expected silence amoung the skinny caucasian scene kids. This guy then became my hero for the night, and the quote is now immortalised between me and Mace, my unwilling friend i dragged along. We were also like the only people there drinking (age?), and drink we did.

So yeah, after that we went to a few bars, met up with another one of our friends with a gay irish dude he was hosting from couchsurfing, and a couple of chubby chicks, went to 5th ave (Manchester's premiere indie club), drunk more, got fucked up on E, danced like woaaahhhh, met aload more people there, got more fucked up, went to a friends flat to drink more, then walked home with Mace at about 8 in the morning. All in all, one of the best nights i've had in ages, and an awesome last night in Manchester before comming home to Lancaster for summer. Plus another awesome quote from some guy outside Owens Park in Fallowfield while talking to crazy bus lady, "I must go now, I will be away over summer but I will be back next year". The delivery was epic, and he made it sound like Obi One Knobi or some shit, and me and my friends found it fucking hilarious. Also, Google her, and understand shes kind of a legendary figure on Oxford road, kind of like a semi rare Pokemon.

Anyway, I'll get that interview up as soon as I can be bothered to transcribe the fucker.

Why the world hates us part 2: Steel Panther

2009-06-09T00:57:00.006+01:00

Upon finishing the article in the last post, fellow HB staffer Paul Harris directed me to this video, the pinicle "Death to all but metal", by Hair Metal revivalists "Steel Panther". As it was so damn relevant, i felt i had to throw this in the end of the original article, for your enjoyment/horror.

Now, I'm sure quite how serious they are about their message, or as a band in general, but if seeing this didn't make you instantly want to appologise to the world on behalf of Metalheads everywhere, then i guess, once again, you are the woefully self unaware German dude in the Manowar tribute video (last post). This video serves more or less as a comprehensive guide to why the world hates up.

-Firstly, the guy at the beginning seems like a complete dick, and deserves to get the shit bullied out of him. In fact fuckers like this are pretty much what i'm talking about in the article. Everything about him at the beginning seems like a conversation between a long suffering mother and a spoiled, autistic child. Plus proclaiming death to all but metal, especially in that kind of situation makes you look like the most elitist douche ever, twice as much if you have no friends to begin with. If you were a metalhead in that school you should be ashamed to be lumped in with him, for the social suicide proxy would bring. In fact thanks to this guy, i bet all the moderate metalheads in this school could pretty much kiss goodbye the chance of ever loosing their virginity in high school, unless they hide their fandom very fucking well.

-I have about 6 years experience of this, and I can tell you, playing metal guitar neither gets girls to dance, strip, or hot in any way. In fact with the exception of one girl who once said she would "fuck my brains out" if i learnt "Fury of the Storm" by Dragonforce (she was mega into power metal anyway, so this is not a particularly surprising anomaly, and probably would have done the deed irregardless of me learning the song), playing guitar generally is met by a passive, rather bored, glassed over, reaction, with an air of "you're trying to hard darling". In fact, the best music to get girls hot and bothered (any girls, even into metal, no matter what they claim), is some ultra bassy techno, with a solid pounding beat.

-I really doubt that members of an American Football team would feel threatened in the slightest by four skinny guys threatening them with drumsticks, especially considering their life is about aggressive behavior and tackling people. What I'm trying to say, is they would get their asses totally beat.

-Ironically, the bands they mention, Def Leopard and Motley Crue, are some of the most neutered, radio friendly, mainstream shit ever, wheras blink 182, Eminem, Dr Dre, athough mainstream, I fucking love, and at least they dont dress like chicks while they're at it, which again, is ironic considering how much they insinuate that other people are gay. They are probably lucky they are under the radar of most of the people they insult.

-Hair metal is pretty much the most mainstream metal ever was, and an embarrassment we still have to live with.

-They are signed to Island Records, a major label, despite telling all record companies to suck their ass.

-They look like chicks.

-The lead guitarist isn't that good.

-This is pretty much pop with guitars.

-The joke at the end is cringeworthingly unfunny.

-They wear makeup.

-This shit sucks.