Tumblr is Rectal Anarchy

I have a tumblr now. Guess this means I can slowly forcefeed my massive folders of internet pictures and sick/funny shit back into the internet like a giant sewage plant.

http://eyelicker.tumblr.com/

I Join Stuff You Will Hate! First post up nao!

It's no small fact that I propper dig SYWH, and am super syked to have been asked to write for them. As a scene kid on the older end of the young spectrum, and a person with reasonable intellegence, I feel that the blog speaks directly to me, and thus can't think of any better continuation of my blogging prowess.

But yeah, peep my debut post up right now, which was originally gonna be on here, but now I guess found a better outlet, about Hurry! Let's Go and my belated scene valentines playlist. I'll still keep Hyperviolence going, just syphon all my scene content into SYWH i guess.

Anyway, super stoked! Crunk tiems!

If Only: Scene Jersey Shore

So recently I've been tots getting into this awesome US reality show, Jersey Shore. The basic premise, for everyone who is not American, is fill a house with those funny orange people you probably know from various internet pictures, and just let them do their thing, knowing that their natural stupidity/ego/lack of self awareness will lead to some mad entertaining situations and some absolutely pro quotes.

From what I gather, the program gets quite a lot of flak for being kind of low brow (lets face it, The Wire it ain't) like all reality shows do. I mean yeah, most do suck, and are generally boring as hell, but something about Jersey Shore actually strikes me as genuinely quite decent TV. Although I can only really speak from an English perspective on the subject, most of the reality shows here suck so much because the people are generally just shit boring and are either focused on too much or not enough. Plus there's something about stupid English people talking to the camera that just tanks.

This qualifys as highlights, no fighting, no drinking, no fist pumping, no orange

But yeah, the way Jersey Shore pans out actually works really well, other reality shows take note!

Firstly, it's a given that you actually hate everyone, and you do, for at least the first hour or so. The makers have pretty much banked on this, combining the natural prejudice against reality show contestants with the universal hatred/mockery of "Guidos" (a phenomena I am yet to experience first hand, although am totally thinking about hitting up the Jersey Shore sometime). They begin by exploiting the Guidos natural guidishness, showing them packing their cars with rediculous amounts of hair products, fake tan, whey protein, and other such artifacts of Guid.



However, as things progress, personality's further than "I work out 5 times a week and I like to parrrtttyyyyyy!" begin to emerge, as well as various amusing conflicts and relationships. So far this sounds kina standard, but there is something about the setting, the sheer egos and aggression involved, and the general hilarious stupidity of most involved that make Jersey Shore hella more entertaining than any other reality show I've seen before. The characters, while their likability and integrity may be rather questionable, do play off each other in a very entertaining way, and they do manage to actually go through with some decent drama fodder such as fighting and bringing chicks home on the regular. One episode of Jersey Shore has probably more drama content than an entire series of Big Brother or any other UK pseudo-celebrity snooze fest. And that's another thing, the UK tends to use reality shows as a vehicle for the same old dull celebs to tred water in an endless cycle of public mockery and Heat magazine type fame, instead of delving into the actual public, where you can find people who are far more interesting to watch, before the fame gets to them and renders them shit boring. (For this reason kina skeptical about season 2 of Jersey Shore).



So anyway, I was thinking, while Guidos and their drama makes for all kinds of amusing TV, there's another group of people who are that much more real to me, that could also do all this crazy shit and make some silly show with it! Scene Kids of course! While it could quite easily just end up being a group of depressive lamos hanging around on stickam on their parent's macbooks pouting for various photoshoots in a bid to try and look much more fun than they actually are, I think the mix of well known scene "characters" I have drafted up (with some pointers from the esteemed yeahyouknowit) shall ensure that a full, drama filled time will be had by all involved!

After running it by VH1 on Friday I've been assured we can start filming this fall, for an early 2011 release date! So here are my ideas for the most explosive mix of scene fgts for my new reality show "Crunk Shore":

T Mills (autotuned crunk fgt)

So yeah, this was probably the most obvious choice, seeing as how much I love this prick and his god awful/awesome brand of super auto tuned crunkcore. Partly I just wana put the bro to the test, and see if he can "walk the walk". I guess I kina expect him to be like the scene "The Situation" (with scene kids, tats are the equivalent of the Guido's abs), and live up to his lyrics of pulling "Rich Girls" and the like. Although I always wondered, looking like he does, I'm sure he would have a hard time getting most rich girls to take him seriously (and most human beings in general), seeing how the girls he describes sound painfully mainstream, instead of the "alt hoes" you would expect. Then again, i guess he can probably pull the old "bad ass" trick, which can snare boring girls for roughly a week before the novelty wears off.

Mellisa Millionaire (Millionaires)

A female counterpoint to T Mills, and a scene girl who actually gets the concept of fun. She would totally hit the town every night, to, if Millionaires lyrics are anything to go by, break hearts and take names! Plus I think it would be pretty amusing to see her puking into the toilet every morning, bits of regurgitated pizza getting caught in that lovely big hair. There could also be a special episode where the rest of the Millionaires girls come up, and T Mills and Se7en go retarded running around trying to impress them, while Kiki gets all butthurt over the lack of attention and breaks a plate or something.

Se7en (brokeNCYDE)

Do I really need to explain this one? Also needs to be put to the test, to see if he gets as crunk as he says he does.

Kikikanibal (internet brat)

So while people who are actually fun and likable are all good, I thought it would also be necessary to throw in a self obsessed drama queen to be a general bitch/hate figure. After every dude in the house hits on her relentlessly before getting sick of her bullshit, she would then start to have regular stress outs whenever the dudes bring any new chicks home. Would also probably have long emotional session with the other girls and tell them how they're "like a sister to me", before turning on same girl when they talk to the wrong guy or actually try and have fun because she's just being an annoying little bitch.

Johnny 3 Tears (Hollywood Undead)

While he isn't really overtly "scene", and more "wigger" (although the two are closely linked) I figured the house would need at least one dude who would be up to genuinely throwdown when some drunk dude in a club starts flicking Mill's lobes or leering all over Kiki. Plus he would probably at some point in every conversation say shit like "You don't know what hardcore is! I was in prison dammit!!" and be a source of other such lolquotes. I'm pretty much banking on him starting fights when they go out, based purely on HU's "scummier than most" image.

Amor Hilton (Internet brat/Model)

Would probably assert that she is "above" all this, not have fun, try and act like she thinks intelligent people act, make a fool of herself, and get pregnant about a week or so in.

Dahvie Vanity (Blood On The Dancefloor)

As much as I dig BOTDF, I can't help strongly dislike this bro for being chubby, socially awkward, creepy as hell, and possessing of the annoying type of Jeffry Star (who I genuinely hate) esque self obsessed narcissism. Basically a male counterpoint to kiki, but without being attractive enough to back it up. Who knows, maybe he is actually kind of fun irl, but he strikes me more as the type to creep all over drunk girls before proclaiming an eventual grope/passed out make out as "scoring". I would love to see him hastily appologise and backtrack like hell with that eerie soft voice of his though when someones boyfriend takes issue with his creeptastic ways.

Kristen Randell (Winds of Plague)

Although I actually know fuck all about her personality, I sense she would probably be one of the more down to earth ones, whos purpose would be to protect Mellisa from drunken rape/hold Johnny back/make Dahvie leave chubby underage girls alone/tell kiki to get the fuck over herself. Kind of like a mediating influence on everyone else's irresponsibility. I have no idea why I think this is what she'd do, it's just the vibe I get. Also, peep the first Google image result of her name (via scene boobage).

Any more ideas?

Some doozies from my youtube

Exams still be a bitch, and I'm in a total state of cba right now, but whevs.

Displacement activity of the moment was getting a twitter account, which has proved to be surprisingly addictive, seeing as it's pretty much just facebook with nothing but a status. Anyway, it's already proved to be worth it's weight in gold, allowing me to see pictures of Hatebreed's Jamey Jasta at the dentist. ("Hey, dentist, can you just stop what you're doing and photo me, it's for my twitter! Oh, did you know I'm the singer of Hatebreed!?"). Actually, the whole idea of people like Jasta doing normal things like the dentist strikes me as rather bizarre. I guess that's part of the whole "celebrity" thang that makes me interested in watching him at the dentist, if for the general surreality if nothing else. I'd love to see all my favorite members of hardcore bands at the dentist, because that's the kind of thing twitter is all about! Actually, everyone except S.O.D's Dan Lilker. Those strange tiny baby teeth freak me out.


Anyway, I'm on motherfucking twitter!, so follow the shit out of me, so I can tell my friends that I'm "Big In America".

Sleep pattern mega fucked too, after staying up till five last night shooting the shit with yeahyouknowit, keut NYC sceneybopper, contributor to SYWH, and all round general blog BFF! You should follow her on twitter too, cos shes hyperchill (and kina creepy in an awesome way ;) ) - N.B. fuck, how are you meant to close brackets after an emoticon?!

Anyways, this general getting deeper into the murky world of the internet led me to return to my youtube and bring it up to speed with my 2k10 personal brand, and in doing so relive a few pro awesome memories that I'd kina like to share with you.

Firstly, here is my German teacher's dog playing "In The Arm's of Perdition" by Despised Icon in my kitchen. This is why you should never let any alt kid look after your pet, for he WILL make it cover deathcore drums.



Poor old Charlie spends the majority of the time trying not to fall asleep, and captures perfectly that common dog expression of "I'm not sure what's going on here, but here I am..."

"What is this I don't even...!"

Anyways, it's kina long, but check out, if anything, the "GO!" at the beginning, and the sheer confusion on Charlie's face during the end breakdown. I wish it weren't so, but this is actually not the first time scene kids have made helpless animals suffer our terrible music.

Another pretty sick vid was this compilation I made of all the best moments from pornstar Evan Stone's depiction of "Captain Edward Reynolds", from the film "Pirates XXX" (Incidentally, the most expensive porn flick ever made, until the sequel, Pirates II: Stagnetti's revenge). The film is pretty much a total lolfest throughout, thanks mainly to Evan Stone's fantastic overacting, next to the stony faced, glazed over delivery of everyone else. It's unintentionally become a great bro-film that you watch with bros together, and Evan stone is a complete hero/legend to quite a few of my friends now. I think his biggest talent is the ability to put a "y", in almost any word, making it sound fever pitch smug. i.e "Cyock", "Cyanons", "Pyyyirates".

"Evil dosen't stand a chance against these twin hellfire cyyyyanons!"

And finally to top it of, one of my drunk metalhead friends dancing to brokeNCYDE at Wacken. I love it when people get it, and this guy totally got it :) <33333



...by the way, yes, that is me singing along...

It's pretty cold in here, but i'll be home soon

First Tuesday in ages haven't hit the town with my altbro from the despised icon post a bit back, which kina sucks, cos we got to the point where we pretty much own this popular scene club in town. Be back after the Christmas holidays and January exams in full force to reclaim our territory, plus there's this scene cutie in there who must be the hottest thing around who i totally need to get with. He's an Illustation of how it might be my altbro drew up, based on the popular video game Pokemon:

Kina insulted he only gave me 20HP, what the fuck am I? A level 2 Rattata?

I especially love how he gave me a fringe and new era cap (with sticker), on top of an existing "meme" image, lotta thought and love :)

Planning on relaunching our band soon as well, as just the two of us, seeing how thanks to the internet, you can actually do pretty well without playing live or apparently even having any albums, so long as you have enough of a "Keut" personal brand going. Just peep J Bigga and Dot Dot Curve and all that stuff, and goddamn Senor Bivins! So long as you have a sick ass myspace, twitter, and some cool merch, and put yourselfs out there as being "fun ass guise who are down 2 party", i'm pretty sure the internet will gobble you up. Be interesting to see if it works for death metal/deathcore though, actually yeah, Disfiguring the Goddess/Big Chocolate pulled it off!

Plus me and him work totally fly together anyway whenever we go out, He's the tough ass serious muscular metalhead in black, and I'm the cutesy playful scene one in happy colours, (its a similar dynamic to Baz and Jeremy on GTA 4's "The Men's Room"), and chicks eat that combo right up, so online should hopefully be no different. Add to that that we can both play guitar to an absolutely fucking wizard level, crack out some sick ass DM vocals, and have a ton of awesome equipment/recording know how, and I think it really could work! Be the death metal dot dot curve!

Also began to write for a new metal blog, Reverse Current, after Headbang died. Yeah, I know metal blogs are like, ubiquitous to the max, and metal fans reviewing metal is pretty boring usually, but at the same time, because of all our industry contacts built up from HB, it means lots of free shit and gigs for me, and even fucking backstage at festivals, so I be doing it! Plus I will never say no to the opportunity to voice my obnoxious opinion. Gonna try and not be as elitist as most metal blogs, and not hate on fucking everything as well, so hopefully that'll make it semi different. Go peep that shit!

Every single metal blog out there, personified

Looking forward to Christmas back home in Lancaster like OMG! Chilling with my uber sarcastic brother and playing PS3 to the max. Maybe my London maltstream girl'l be around and down to hang out. That'd be fucking perfect :D

Wish I had more to say, realized haven't posted here for a while, and so this one was kina forced, and looking back seems to kind of resemble a end of season clip show like the Fresh Prince of Bell Air would often do. Catch ya round.

Signs of the rising end: Jakewolf and KikiKannibal

Sick couple of weeks going out too much, not working enough and chilling the fuck out! You know it was a good night when you wake up with a hangover and see a scantily clad scene chick on your computer checking her Facebook and playing The Devil Wears Prada on youtube.

I had no idea TDWP were this generic emo looking, don't think that kina hair's in anymore bro!

Discovered this absolute cuntbag the other day. I remember when I first discovered T Mills (what the fuck is his new haircut btw, I had that when I was seven!), and I thought he seemed like a total douche, yet I still felt a weird kind of affection for him, cos he was so fucking ridiculous and just screamed out "trying too hard!". Anyway, this is Jakewolf, he's like the budget T Mills, with less/crappyer tats, worse production, less of a following, and possibly the worst lyrics in screamo crunk to date. If you have ever noted any screamo crunk lyrics you will realise this is no mean feat, and is tantamount to something like worst fatal car crash, or worst nuclear holocaust. Add the midrange high production and his girly voice makes it really quite an endurance test to listen to.



Oh Yeah, and he has the symbol for the World Health Organisation (or WHO) tattooed on his neck. I've seen some pretty regrettable tats in my time, but this one totally takes the scene biscuit! After a little investigative journalism (posting a question on his youtube comments), a reliable source (a youtube comment poster), informed me that it was because he has Diabetes, and the symbol is on the insulin packets. Now, I understand that we should be thankful for the organisation that, so far, has prevented swine flu, sars, bird flu, and god knows what else ravaging our lands and people (although they are responsible for keeping Jake Wolf alive, which kind of puts them in a morally neutral position), but isn't there a more useful and less future destroying way to show this appreciation? like becoming a doctor, instead of getting a "keut" tat. At least he didn't get one of Wilfred Brimley.

At least Wilford Brimley got some money from being a walking advert for insulin!

On the subject of tattoos/destroying your future, I noticed he has ink on his face, neck and hands, but more or less no where else. All the tattoos are pretty simple and probably didn't cost that much, and likely have other flimsy, hastily thought out reasons of being there. I noticed this recently with scene kids, the current trend seems to be inking up the most visible areas possible, hands, neck, face and whatnot first. I know this little scene dude in Manchester who's just got one hand and his upper chest done, and then there's this guy. It's like its become a race to see who can destroy their future/become unpresentable as quickly as possible for the least money (actually, that kind of sums up all alt culture). If that's true, then Jake Wolf, with his brand of budget screamo crunk and embarrassing cheap tattoos, certainly wins. Hi Five Bro!!!

Obviously though, not everyone views this cunt with the same disdain I do (and seriously, every picture I see, combined with that whiny fucking girl voice, make we wanna deck him something fierce), because he has managed to land himself arguably the most sought after prize in scene world, the hot, yet fucking irritating Kikikannibal.

If you don't know her, she makes shitty fucking jewellery, is a vegetarian, and self centred scene queen. She's also kina hot I guess. For some reason, she also happens to be really famous. I myself, am waiting for her brief spell of beauty to end, and for her to inevitably become just another lonely crazy old cat women, confused and angry about where her status went. I recently tried to watch one of her videos, but just couldn't take it after about 5 seconds, pulled the cat face, and had to go shove forks in my eyes.

The combination of these next level teen scene train wrecks is surely a sign of the coming scene apocalypse. I hope they have kids. Imagine how fucked up they'll make them. The shits gonna hit the fan when T Mills hooks up with Melissa Millionaire(who incidentaly seems much more fun/legit/genuine/probably a better lay than Kiki, also didn't realise that Dani has gauged lobes, which is pretty ace, chick I mentioned at the beginning had them too, turns out they don't smell of cheese).

A big day: Someone reads my blog

After having written this blog with a kind of self imposed regularity and reluctance, the months of thought diarrhea and posting about silly irrelevant things have been finally rewarded, and by rewarded, I mean glanced over by some guy in America.

Yes, the infamous Sergent D of Metal Inquisition fame and more recently the controversial "Stuff You Will Hate" (with its abysmal color scheme, although is this ironic?), has left no fewer than three comments, all, unless my online sarcasm detector is on the fritz, positive in nature. This means one thing....someone has read my blog. I haven't told anyone about it, just kind of done it cos that's what the kids do nowadays, It was originally a displacement activity from studying for my first year finals conceived at about 5 or 6 in the morning, and since then it just kind of stuck like a bout of athletes foot that though you are kind of embarrassed about and don't show the world, you still like to get it out and have a good old self indulgent scratch once in a while. Therefore, that someone has found it and actually read what is pretty much a 21st century diary, makes me feel both overwhelmed and exposed. Like having a chick over who discovers your athletes foot and instead of being revolted, unexpectedly scratches it gently, while purring in your ear.

Maybe this is the beginning of me becoming a famous web scene kid, such as the notorious KikiKannibal, Zui Suicide, Dani Gore or whatnot....for a full list consult this yahoo answers page. I would probably need a new name, as my current name dosn't really rhyme with anything, much less any choice scene buzzwords like Br00tality, Gore, Suicide or any other words that are essentially a bad thing happening. I wonder if there is a limit to how far that can go. For example, I would kind of like something sort of medical and Carcass-esque...maybe a rare disease. Mikey Maleria, or Ethan Ebola would be cool....if I was called Mike or Ethan. Or maybe just an obscure organ....DannyDuodenum (thats part of your large intestine). These strike me as much more interesting than vague words like Gore and Suicide. Give them a little TM on the myspace and heyyyy...new scene hero.

So anyway, the fact that the first person to read my blog (that I know of) is Sergent D is an exiting development because Metal Inquisition was the first blog I really started following, and taught me such important life lessons like it's ok to like brokeNCYDE and Slam Metal simultaniously, if your friends make fun of you for wearing something, chicks will most likely dig it (within reason, I once wore a pair of swimming trunks in my school days so small i didn't notice I had a bollock hanging out, that took about 2 years to live down), how to tastefully appropriate Wigger culture into metal, not to ever go to New Jersey, and that pretty much all careers in metal end in depressing living conditions and a meaningless middle age existance. If you are the second person to read my blog and haven't already, check his blogs, read them, and learn.

The fact that a glance over by some 30 odd year old American recovering metalhead in the midst of a early-onset midlife crisis (although unlike in American Beauty, where Kevin Spacey buys a sweet car, instead he opts for the more financially viable option of liking brokeNCYDE), much like I cling to my fleeing teenage years by dressing like a 17 year old instead of a 20 year old, and hang around with 18 year olds, has inspired me to waste time writing this post when I could have been learning German, practicing guitar, or at the very worst playing GTA4, shows just how hopeless the internet is turning our generation, and sending our prioritys to shit. Horray for a passive aggressive future where irony is slopped on so thick that saying anything means the opposite as well, depending on which is more hip at the time. I knew starting a blog was a bad idea.

Tomorrow I go to Manchester to record some guitar for sick new songs in a friends sick home studio. They are largely about rape and dismemberment. I also need to get the other guitarist down before he fucks off to Greece and becomes the Karate Kid.

Important musical developments of the new millenia: Attack Attack

Its great that nowadays, people seem to be combining more or less anything, bringing everyone closer together and making us all more open minded. I mean, thanks to brokeNCYDE and Dot Dot Curve hamfistedly jamming some screams over club/techno beats, i can now appreciate pop music much more, thus becoming a much more pleasant, tolerant member of society. In fact, who knows where we would be without the revolutionary spirits of the aforementioned. "Spanky" from Dot Dot Curve perfectly displays this artistic attitude on the groups myspace:

"About Spanky..... he is a BAMF who just dont give a flying fuck what you think! why is he all inked up in funny shit? cuz he dont give a fuck. why does he have fucked up hair? cuz he just dont give a fuck. he does what he wants. if he likes it he does it and dont give a fuck if anyone else does. he doesnt care or want your approval. only thing spanky cares about is music."

Quite Mr Spanky.....BAMF indeed. Although this may sound like some sickeningly self indulgent pre-pubescent goth whining, it is actually a portrait of the mind of an artistic genius. I'm assuming BAMF means "Bad Ass Mother Fucker", but I'm not sure.

So anyway, even if Spanky does come off as kind of a douche, you gotta kina admire putting together completely different things in music. Although butthurt metal fans are whining about trueness, myspace hair and aload of other shit, they are just the angry confused voice of a bygon age, like my grandma getting angry at the fasion taste of Dante from the game "Devil May Cry".

So anyhow, the point of this post, is to say, that without this new experimental attitude to music, we would never have got the awesome "Stick Stickly", by Attack Attack. Now, unless you've already seen it, skip to 2:30 and let it play.........then get your mind blown!



And check out the fucking running dance at 2:53! I'm doing that next club I go to!



N.B I am aware that "experimental" music and combining genres or approaching them with a blaze attitude is not a new thing, in fact because my brother worships Mike Patton I am exposed to a lot of this kina thing, I just find my examples extra noteworthy cos its the kind of thing that pisses off so many people, and i really, really like it.

Allison Harvard, my heart burns for thee

I discovered about this chick browsing the /tv/ board at 4chan, but damn, i think i'm in love bro! I could get one of my many nosebleeds and she'd lie underneath it, then dance covered in my blood. Then we'd watch some really violent film and snuggle, before falling asleep in a mess of caked blood.......this fantasy is over!



Me being English and someone who never watches tv means i'm most likely way behind on this, but after a quick look on youtube, i was severly hooked. The eyes man! I love fucked up girls like this, when I was 15 a had a girlfriend who would carry around pictures of death scenes and shit, and we'd talk about ways to kill ourselfs...looking back it was probably the most tight relationship I ever had, I wonder what she's up to now?

Tomboy fuck yeah!

Like most girls with weirdness like this, chances are that either now or soon she will "mature" into something boring and vapid that doesn't wear Nirvana t shirts and ripped jeans, something made more likely by hanging around with models. Teenage angst can be pretty ace sometimes, i dunno why everyone has to hate on it so much. Someday she'll probably look back on the blood thing and scoff and act embarrassed, and blame it on said angst. But anyway, heres to hoping she stays weird. YUSSSSS!!!!