So (Plot Spoiler), it turned out that Dio dies, thus promting lots of rightly deserved tributes all over the bloggesphere, as one would expect. Although I don't really care, I can understand that feelings are running high.
So I guess it's kina sucky that The Westburo Baptist (check out their rather advanced new layout!) church have decided to picket his funeral.
Also very predictably, is the standard explosion of "hur, if they mess with us then thing'll get messy hurrr!", as well as standard "this is what religion does derp!!" internet atheism outcries from the community galore.
My surprise is...why does anyone care? I mean, Westburo Baptist Church is fucking old meme, they've been made fun of, they've been hated, and they've not actually done anything other than be a mild annoyance for years now, and the internet has been chiding them all the way through. Hating them for this is like making fun of black metal.
Objectively this isn't even the most offensive thing they've ever done, seeing as they've done the same thing at US soldiers funerals, and towards post tidal wave New Orleans, which were IMO way more tragic than Dio's death. Still, the metalhead "shit, someone's attacking us, lets mobilize and talk online about how we're gonna kick someones ass!" mentality comes into play and suddenly we're so special.
Just let it go, and fuck them and their religious fevor. They probably have really shitty lives, just let them do their dumb picketing. They obviously love the attention we're giving them, and I doubt anyone's actually gonna get at them (via metal fans being nerdy pussys irl). They'll die off eventually, just don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they effected anything.
This friday involved a myriad of poor life choices from yours truly, starting with drinking vodka while studying in the morning before an exam. What started as a mere swig to simply "take the edge off", grew steadily into many swigs to tackle many edges, and before I knew it, I was DGAF'ing instead of studying, and live-tweeting said downfall.
The exam went pretty poorly, as one may expect, at one point I tried to make myself puke by fingering my throat so I could get out and maybe be able to do it again in a more capable state, but it lead to nothing other than a sharp retching noise, causing some slight attention and embarressment, so I just put my head down and tried my best to regurgitate some kind of knowledge onto the page.
Luckily it was just some bullshit module with little credit worth, so if you were gonna be drunk for any it would be that one, which was lucky. But as most of my uni friends reminded me, apart from my azn, who just giggled, drinking and exams is never good.
After the exam I happened upon a few scene friends I'd not hung out with for a while, and continued to get fucked up in canal street, Manchester's "gay quarter", as the majority of our little group of alts happened ghey/les. It turned into a surprisingly decent day, I made new friends, got drinks bought for me [via Rich(er) Girls] and managed to safely pass out in my bed at 9pm sharp, giving me plenty of time to get my system/head clean for revision the next day.
5 unabridged minutes of morbidly obese classless British scene fail: courtesy of "Chloe Carnage"
You don't even know meeeeee!
Also included was the obligatory "stop judgeing us!" video that all internet alts have to have, after getting butthurt when someone calls them gay. Kina redundant, especially seeing as how the internet is just pretty much a big room that you walk into and everyone calls you a fag.
Anyway, apparently the dudes kina embarressed about it now, and dosn't make them, so I might, if I get a chance, try and convince him to start again (via sucking up) just for the hell of it :/. If anything it should produce some more potential lolfests. I ran into him once before very briefly via a mutual friend, and he seemed decent enough, if not a little camp. One of those people who can't really speak without making wild arm movements.
Anyway, speaking of internet things you later regret when you get older, I appear to have found the alt Mclovin on myspace. Amusingly enough it was through a picture comment his girlfriend left on JT Lloyds myspace, saying she was jelous of his girlfriend.
Gross hair? Pre-pubescant mustache? Sideways Piece sign? Hat Tilt? Damn son! You're livin' the dream!
There are too many awesome pics of this wonderful little wigger to choose just one, but anyway, here are some of the best. It's like this guy is a one man edition of Wigged and Confused.
we are all very impressed with your collection of shitty $100 guitars. And your doubel chin pose.
Nomatter how hard they try, some people can never get past the "nerdarms", andthat awkward way they hang slightly forward
This'll show her!!! lololol, with the caption "You know who you are".
Everything becomes clear.
Love how myspace is now a pool of dumb poor, often OTW teenagers now. It's like, everyone else left to go to facebook, and now it's been condensed into some kind of internet equivalent of Australia, where all the reprobates and undesirables get shipped off too.
I have a tumblr now. Guess this means I can slowly forcefeed my massive folders of internet pictures and sick/funny shit back into the internet like a giant sewage plant.
So a (pretty rich) friend recently paid for me to go to Germany last week for "Karnival", in Cologne, a sick ass German street fest I went to last year. Pretty much twice every year I tend to at some point find myself in Germany, and whenever I'm there it's sheer awesomeness still gets me. Ever since I was 14 it's been like my favorite place ever, I've dated 3 girls there, and I have a ton of friends all over the place too, from Rendsburg to Munich. Here is why Germany rules more that your shitty country, and a few weird/amuzing experiences I've had there:
Da Germanz, Dey Luv Me: Ok, so this one most likely dosn't apply to you, but I thought I'd include it anyway. Germans fucking love me! Seriously, I have no idea why, I probably pull off some kind of mix of cute foreigner + alt cred + natural cool bonus from being English that applys all over the world. Either way, I do just get on with Germans way better than most non-Germans, even through the (ever diminishing) language barrier. Actually, some Germans fucking hate me, and think I am an annoying asshole, but most I just gel with really well. Kina like marmite with a higher success rate.
Bros: Some of the guys with the most bro points i've ever met come from Germany. If you follow me on twitter you may have noticed the event where at aformentioned Karnival one of my best German bros was arrested for some kind of vandelism/drunk and disorderly German hybrid equivalent. He did this while fancy dressing as an escaped convict. I can just imagine how hilarious he must have looked in the holding cell.
Props bro, but soon you'll be in a cell and won't get to hit that
Another bro worth mensioning was this dude fro a foreign exchange back in high school, who was probably the best argument for Nazi Germany i've ever met. Taller than six foot, blue eyes, blond hair, with the muscle formation of a black man, pretty much straight from a Hitler youth propagada poster. During the course of the exchange, he dominated the assault course, broke up a fight at a party, carried about 2 thirds of all the components needed when we had to build a raft (out of a team of 6), and on the last night broke his previous stone cold a-sexual vibe by getting with the hottest girl around, this Polish chick who everone else had been breaking their backs trying to get her attention, after she had been comming on to him the whole night. When he left, my brother refered to him as "The only person I've ever loved" (no homo). And my brother hates everyone.
Bromances that will last a lifetime (no homo)
Girlz: German girls are the fuckin' shit! From their stone cold veneer hiding a playful center that just wants to get out, their subdued Randy vibes carefully obscuered beneath well kept side swept hair, the dissaproving looks they give you when you do anything silly.
Also remember this girl from a year or so ago when me and one of my firends were chilling in a bar there, we'd just got off the plane so were kina knackered, and although everyone else was dancing we were content to just lean on the bar and drink and "play it cool". Then out of the blue this textbook German chick comes out of no where wanting to dance and says, "Hallo? Es ist Partyzeit!!". This ones for you, semi drunk German party girl!
Also, there was this fucking crazy dude there we met through a friend who told us about all the money he had made selling knifes and drugs to school children, yet was also politically aware as hell, and expressed his thoughts on how the German judicial system was too easy on repeat offenders. I'm not sure if he was aware of the irony of this, or whether it was the beginnings of some kind of lengthy diatribe on how he "is a product of the system", but anyway, shows you how even the criminals in Germany are of a higher class than in other places.
Man Chorus: The horror. More or less every national pride type song involves the sound of burly men singing together.
There is no escaping this song...or Hohner's mustashe
Mums/MILFS: For some reason, German mums are the most down to party demograph over there. They love to dance, get tipsy, and giggle at stuff. On one foreign exchange trip I actually got on better with my host's mum than her, and spend one awesome evening just chilling out with her, drinking their expensive wine, and waxing philosophical about life, getting gradually more and more drunk.
Also brings back horrific memories from some street party in Kiel, watching a large crowd of middle aged German women dancing together, being DJ'd to by some handle bar mustached middle aged dude who kept saying "I vant to fack!".
Large Men: Germans are in General, large people. I don't mean this in the morbidly obese sense of the word, as their general lifestyle and eating habits are way healthyer than the UK/US. They are just kina scaled up. Like the time me and a friend realised we were the shortest people in a club (including the females), or the time I was in a bathroom and had to tip toe to get my cock in the urinal. There are still shorties about, but just a hell of a load of Aryan giants too. I don't know why this is a good thing, but it is funny in a strange kind of way.
Two giant gruff men once called me and my friend gay (in a jovial fasion) once after we left a large heart shaped chocolate at their table. It was hilarious and intimidating at the same time. It didn't help that the chocolate said "Ich Liebe Dich" (I love you).
Beer: German beer fucking rocks. End of. If you disagree you are wrong and/or American, and thus weaned on piss weak shit you can't even legally get fucked up on untill you're 21.
wtf?!?!?
Scene Kids: Not only is Germany home to a large selection of scene cuties!
But also this odd lesbo, back from my very first ever post!
So there, Germany, with its eccentric quirkyness and odd traditions, rulez d00d! If you have any other pro experiences there, let me know! I'm sure that regular German commenter in these parts, Grobiwonder, will refute my claims of Germany's sheer brilliance, via the "the place I come from fucking sucks" mentality, but he is wrong. Germany > UK <3!!!
So recently I've been tots getting into this awesome US reality show, Jersey Shore. The basic premise, for everyone who is not American, is fill a house with those funny orange people you probably know from various internet pictures, and just let them do their thing, knowing that their natural stupidity/ego/lack of self awareness will lead to some mad entertaining situations and some absolutely pro quotes.
From what I gather, the program gets quite a lot of flak for being kind of low brow (lets face it, The Wire it ain't) like all reality shows do. I mean yeah, most do suck, and are generally boring as hell, but something about Jersey Shore actually strikes me as genuinely quite decent TV. Although I can only really speak from an English perspective on the subject, most of the reality shows here suck so much because the people are generally just shit boring and are either focused on too much or not enough. Plus there's something about stupid English people talking to the camera that just tanks.
This qualifys as highlights, no fighting, no drinking, no fist pumping, no orange
But yeah, the way Jersey Shore pans out actually works really well, other reality shows take note!
Firstly, it's a given that you actually hate everyone, and you do, for at least the first hour or so. The makers have pretty much banked on this, combining the natural prejudice against reality show contestants with the universal hatred/mockery of "Guidos" (a phenomena I am yet to experience first hand, although am totally thinking about hitting up the Jersey Shore sometime). They begin by exploiting the Guidos natural guidishness, showing them packing their cars with rediculous amounts of hair products, fake tan, whey protein, and other such artifacts of Guid.
However, as things progress, personality's further than "I work out 5 times a week and I like to parrrtttyyyyyy!" begin to emerge, as well as various amusing conflicts and relationships. So far this sounds kina standard, but there is something about the setting, the sheer egos and aggression involved, and the general hilarious stupidity of most involved that make Jersey Shore hella more entertaining than any other reality show I've seen before. The characters, while their likability and integrity may be rather questionable, do play off each other in a very entertaining way, and they do manage to actually go through with some decent drama fodder such as fighting and bringing chicks home on the regular. One episode of Jersey Shore has probably more drama content than an entire series of Big Brother or any other UK pseudo-celebrity snooze fest. And that's another thing, the UK tends to use reality shows as a vehicle for the same old dull celebs to tred water in an endless cycle of public mockery and Heat magazine type fame, instead of delving into the actual public, where you can find people who are far more interesting to watch, before the fame gets to them and renders them shit boring. (For this reason kina skeptical about season 2 of Jersey Shore).
So anyway, I was thinking, while Guidos and their drama makes for all kinds of amusing TV, there's another group of people who are that much more real to me, that could also do all this crazy shit and make some silly show with it! Scene Kids of course! While it could quite easily just end up being a group of depressive lamos hanging around on stickam on their parent's macbooks pouting for various photoshoots in a bid to try and look much more fun than they actually are, I think the mix of well known scene "characters" I have drafted up (with some pointers from the esteemed yeahyouknowit) shall ensure that a full, drama filled time will be had by all involved!
After running it by VH1 on Friday I've been assured we can start filming this fall, for an early 2011 release date! So here are my ideas for the most explosive mix of scene fgts for my new reality show "Crunk Shore":
T Mills(autotuned crunk fgt)
So yeah, this was probably the most obvious choice, seeing as how much I love this prick and his god awful/awesome brand of super auto tuned crunkcore. Partly I just wana put the bro to the test, and see if he can "walk the walk". I guess I kina expect him to be like the scene "The Situation" (with scene kids, tats are the equivalent of the Guido's abs), and live up to his lyrics of pulling "Rich Girls" and the like. Although I always wondered, looking like he does, I'm sure he would have a hard time getting most rich girls to take him seriously (and most human beings in general), seeing how the girls he describes sound painfully mainstream, instead of the "alt hoes" you would expect. Then again, i guess he can probably pull the old "bad ass" trick, which can snare boring girls for roughly a week before the novelty wears off.
Mellisa Millionaire (Millionaires)
A female counterpoint to T Mills, and a scene girl who actually gets the concept of fun. She would totally hit the town every night, to, if Millionaires lyrics are anything to go by, break hearts and take names! Plus I think it would be pretty amusing to see her puking into the toilet every morning, bits of regurgitated pizza getting caught in that lovely big hair. There could also be a special episode where the rest of the Millionaires girls come up, and T Mills and Se7en go retarded running around trying to impress them, while Kiki gets all butthurt over the lack of attention and breaks a plate or something.
Se7en (brokeNCYDE)
Do I really need to explain this one? Also needs to be put to the test, to see if he gets as crunk as he says he does.
Kikikanibal(internet brat)
So while people who are actually fun and likable are all good, I thought it would also be necessary to throw in a self obsessed drama queen to be a general bitch/hate figure. After every dude in the house hits on her relentlessly before getting sick of her bullshit, she would then start to have regular stress outs whenever the dudes bring any new chicks home. Would also probably have long emotional session with the other girls and tell them how they're "like a sister to me", before turning on same girl when they talk to the wrong guy or actually try and have fun because she's just being an annoying little bitch.
Johnny 3 Tears (Hollywood Undead)
While he isn't really overtly "scene", and more "wigger" (although the two are closely linked) I figured the house would need at least one dude who would be up to genuinely throwdown when some drunk dude in a club starts flicking Mill's lobes or leering all over Kiki. Plus he would probably at some point in every conversation say shit like "You don't know what hardcore is! I was in prison dammit!!" and be a source of other such lolquotes. I'm pretty much banking on him starting fights when they go out, based purely on HU's "scummier than most" image.
Amor Hilton (Internet brat/Model)
Would probably assert that she is "above" all this, not have fun, try and act like she thinks intelligent people act, make a fool of herself, and get pregnant about a week or so in.
Dahvie Vanity (Blood On The Dancefloor)
As much as I dig BOTDF, I can't help strongly dislike this bro for being chubby, socially awkward, creepy as hell, and possessing of the annoying type of Jeffry Star (who I genuinely hate) esque self obsessed narcissism. Basically a male counterpoint to kiki, but without being attractive enough to back it up. Who knows, maybe he is actually kind of fun irl, but he strikes me more as the type to creep all over drunk girls before proclaiming an eventual grope/passed out make out as "scoring". I would love to see him hastily appologise and backtrack like hell with that eerie soft voice of his though when someones boyfriend takes issue with his creeptastic ways.
Kristen Randell (Winds of Plague)
Although I actually know fuck all about her personality, I sense she would probably be one of the more down to earth ones, whos purpose would be to protect Mellisa from drunken rape/hold Johnny back/make Dahvie leave chubby underage girls alone/tell kiki to get the fuck over herself. Kind of like a mediating influence on everyone else's irresponsibility. I have no idea why I think this is what she'd do, it's just the vibe I get. Also, peep the first Google image result of her name (via scene boobage).
Exams still be a bitch, and I'm in a total state of cba right now, but whevs.
Displacement activity of the moment was getting a twitter account, which has proved to be surprisingly addictive, seeing as it's pretty much just facebook with nothing but a status. Anyway, it's already proved to be worth it's weight in gold, allowing me to see pictures of Hatebreed's Jamey Jastaat the dentist. ("Hey, dentist, can you just stop what you're doing and photo me, it's for my twitter! Oh, did you know I'm the singer of Hatebreed!?"). Actually, the whole idea of people like Jasta doing normal things like the dentist strikes me as rather bizarre. I guess that's part of the whole "celebrity" thang that makes me interested in watching him at the dentist, if for the general surreality if nothing else. I'd love to see all my favorite members of hardcore bands at the dentist, because that's the kind of thing twitter is all about! Actually, everyone except S.O.D's Dan Lilker. Those strange tiny baby teeth freak me out.
Sleep pattern mega fucked too, after staying up till five last night shooting the shit with yeahyouknowit, keut NYC sceneybopper, contributor to SYWH, and all round general blog BFF! You should follow her on twitter too, cos shes hyperchill (and kina creepy in an awesome way ;) ) - N.B. fuck, how are you meant to close brackets after an emoticon?!
Anyways, this general getting deeper into the murky world of the internet led me to return to my youtube and bring it up to speed with my 2k10 personal brand, and in doing so relive a few pro awesome memories that I'd kina like to share with you.
Firstly, here is my German teacher's dog playing "In The Arm's of Perdition" by Despised Icon in my kitchen. This is why you should never let any alt kid look after your pet, for he WILL make it cover deathcore drums.
Poor old Charlie spends the majority of the time trying not to fall asleep, and captures perfectly that common dog expression of "I'm not sure what's going on here, but here I am..."
Another pretty sick vid was this compilation I made of all the best moments from pornstar Evan Stone's depiction of "Captain Edward Reynolds", from the film "Pirates XXX" (Incidentally, the most expensive porn flick ever made, until the sequel, Pirates II: Stagnetti's revenge). The film is pretty much a total lolfest throughout, thanks mainly to Evan Stone's fantastic overacting, next to the stony faced, glazed over delivery of everyone else. It's unintentionally become a great bro-film that you watch with bros together, and Evan stone is a complete hero/legend to quite a few of my friends now. I think his biggest talent is the ability to put a "y", in almost any word, making it sound fever pitch smug. i.e "Cyock", "Cyanons", "Pyyyirates".
"Evil dosen't stand a chance against these twin hellfire cyyyyanons!"
And finally to top it of, one of my drunk metalhead friends dancing to brokeNCYDE at Wacken. I love it when people get it, and this guy totally got it :) <33333
As you may know if you follow LATFH, you will have noticed that Kelly, the thick rimmed glasses wearing nerd-hipster thing, has recently made a massive cunt of himself, a la Don Campan on Metal Inquisition, by getting all butthurt about the slightest bit of mockery.
If you don't know Teen Hearts, they play a kind of rather bland innofensive brand of screamo crunk type fair, most likely due to them being more indie hipster than scene kid, and thus trying to be like brokeNCYDE falls kina flat. They arn't paticularly great, ok i guess, but nothing worth getting mega crunk too. Maybe track 3 or 4 on a "Pre-gaming crunk hits" mix CD. Their big thing was they once supported that preening narcissist Jeffery Star at some point.
Matt looks like a total bro, and I'd totally get with Charity if she didn't mind me not being a hipster fgt, but Kelly and Max can fuck right off
What gets me is how seemingly unprepared he was for what was a slight amount of not even that overtly negative mocking. All it was was the embedded video with “We’re basically an adult contemporary version of Brokencyde.”, as the caption, yet thick rims McFucknuts see's this as deeply offensive. I don't get how as an autotuned pop punk band you can go fucking anywhere without being mocked and laughed at round every corner. I mean the world fucking hates it! Yet Kelly seems to have eluded the thick skin everyone else has developed.
Spanky from DDC wouldn't have anything to sing about if it wasn't for the "haters", and ask brokeNCYDE and they'll tell you they couldn't care less, in one way or another. Awesome quote from Mikl when I interviewed them ages ago "It's not that hard to go somewhere else". Crunkcore seems to pretty much revel in the attention of the "haters", almost to the extent where it's like a seal of authenticity. One of the main themes in pretty much everyone's songs from Millionaires to Hollywood Undead is, "Hate on us all you want, we don't give a shit cos we're having fun". Yet Kelly's gone and fucked with the program, and gone and whined like a little bitch.
Also, even though "faggot" has long since been de-classified to generic insult and has no real homophobic stigma, his use of the word Nigger seems kina tasteless. Probably a racist, lets pretend he is so he becomes a more ideal hate figure. A lot of these middle class hipster types are anyway, so it figures. Kina nicely brings me onto an old classic youtube video, which me and a friend recently re-discovered and thought was lol-worthy enough to post.
Kelly's existance is a strong argument for this guy's stance
Found this other video too that goes with it, where some people shout at each other and no agreement is reached, kina seems to be what always ends up happening on American news programmes. You guys seem to have lost the whole "objective relaying of information", thing.
Fox News: Gaining a better understanding of the world's problems by shoutingat them.
Of course this is a world away from the sedate, soft spoken news in the UK, where the most emotion we've ever been exposed to is Trevor McDonald's slight hint of a smile, on signing off after his half century career in the news, only to sit depressingly in solitude.
It's not often i like to plug bands I dig. For one, that's what pretty much everyone on the internet/world seems to be doing, whereas I prefer to do what the remainder of people do, which is sit back and make snarky discouraging comments and attempt to spot the latest emerging trends. I also rarely mention metal on this blog that much either, instead seeming to cover screamo crunk through the irony lens, much like a 17 year old dabbling in homosexuality. So yeah, I admit that simply plugging music you like is boring, nerdy, and stupid.
I haven't actually ever clicked play on this video, I just saw the thumbnail and already was thinking "shut the fuck up you chubby little fuck"!
However, I fucking love Thy Art Is Murder so much I wana bum them all. They play some mad sick technical deathcore, with the sickest breakdowns, some mad shredding, hella tight blastbeats, double bass drums out their anus, FUCKING SLAM RIFFS, pig squeals, pro high and low vocals, and pretty much everything I like about metal and makes me squirm with glee. If I could be in any band right now it would be them (actually, fuck that, it would be Blink 182 so I could actually make some money).
I even ordered their EP, which never arrived, fucking Aussies.
Also found this vid of their best song, "Infinite Death", with the lyrics, holy fuck!
I fuck your daughters Hack them up Kill them one by one The taste of pure slut is all that keeps me here Lock up your doors Lock up the sluts Lock up their cunts
Everything I want I fucking own My life revolves around fucking possession Everything that I own I just posses to dismember They love to watch themselves hacked apart
All their limbs will be removed
Enter the mind of a psychopath Where girls remain possessions
Do you love what I have done? Raping just for the fun
Have I lost my mind? For becoming who I am Its all your fucking fault Dumb bitches fuck they don’t understand This world does not revolve around them
All your limbs will be removed with tedious precision What’s left is fucking useless but still breathing
Each breath feeds them as they chew flesh
My conscience escapes me when I feel the warm insides of sluts
All your limbs will be removed
I live two separate lives I’m hiding in disguise Seek and you’ll fucking find I live two separate lives Hidden from their fucking eyes
I hunt in secret I hunt in silence
I stalk my prey in secret Watch them waste away
Yeah, I know it's pretty tame for most, Devourment would fucking school these guys on hating chicks, but there's something very innocent and childlike about the hatred that I find quite endearing and can relate to. I can even imagine writing them myself in a low moment, although I'd probably come back the next day and go "fuck! what was I thinking?!" like i normally do. The:
"Have I lost my mind? For becoming who I am Its all your fucking fault Dumb bitches fuck they don’t understand This world does not revolve around them"
sounds particularly adolescent heartbreak, I can almost Imagine one of them sobbing it into his pillow, while angrily scrawling it onto an A4 notepad. The fact that this probably happened in an Australian accent also makes me lol.
Hating on chicks is pretty entry level, although it's easy to see why it goes hand in hand with metal. There's no need to elaborate on that at all it's so fucking obvious. It's pretty much the metal way to be emo. And while it's easy to mock something like this when all's cool, most of us will often want to turn to this stuff when we get fucked over by some chick.
From about 14-18, like most dudes, i was severely and repeatedly played, probably worst than most, the worst case i can recall right now when a girl i'd already got with invited me to come stay with her in Finland, before ditching me more or less as soon as I was off the plane to go hangout with some other friends, more or less abandoning me there. Luckily I had other friends in the city, so managed to scrape together an ok holiday out of it, but fuck! It's easy to see why I gravitated towards death metal. I remember repeatedly watching this Carnifex video when I got home.
So yeah, as I get older and the balance of social power has shifted, I find myself playing chicks more than vice versa, and have in general grown the fuck up, i guess the whole thing has shifted more into perspective. There's nothing wrong with this kina stuff, It's just extreme heartbreak music, or alternatively good old violence for violence sake, with pornography thrown in for good measure. Apart from on the train today when I was listening to Thy Art Is Murder's "Whore to a Chainsaw" and staring some poor girl down feeling like the most evil twisted mother fucker around. That was just me being hella creepy.
Sick couple of weeks going out too much, not working enough and chilling the fuck out! You know it was a good night when you wake up with a hangover and see a scantily clad scene chick on your computer checking her Facebook and playing The Devil Wears Prada on youtube.
I had no idea TDWP were this generic emo looking, don't think that kina hair's in anymore bro!
Discovered this absolute cuntbag the other day. I remember when I first discovered T Mills (what the fuck is his new haircut btw, I had that when I was seven!), and I thought he seemed like a total douche, yet I still felt a weird kind of affection for him, cos he was so fucking ridiculous and just screamed out "trying too hard!". Anyway, this is Jakewolf, he's like the budget T Mills, with less/crappyer tats, worse production, less of a following, and possibly the worst lyrics in screamo crunk to date. If you have ever noted any screamo crunk lyrics you will realise this is no mean feat, and is tantamount to something like worst fatal car crash, or worst nuclear holocaust. Add the midrange high production and his girly voice makes it really quite an endurance test to listen to.
Oh Yeah, and he has the symbol for the World Health Organisation (or WHO) tattooed on his neck. I've seen some pretty regrettable tats in my time, but this one totally takes the scene biscuit! After a little investigative journalism (posting a question on his youtube comments), a reliable source (a youtube comment poster), informed me that it was because he has Diabetes, and the symbol is on the insulin packets. Now, I understand that we should be thankful for the organisation that, so far, has prevented swine flu, sars, bird flu, and god knows what else ravaging our lands and people (although they are responsible for keeping Jake Wolf alive, which kind of puts them in a morally neutral position), but isn't there a more useful and less future destroying way to show this appreciation? like becoming a doctor, instead of getting a "keut" tat. At least he didn't get one of Wilfred Brimley.
At least Wilford Brimley got some money from being a walking advert for insulin!
On the subject of tattoos/destroying your future, I noticed he has ink on his face, neck and hands, but more or less no where else. All the tattoos are pretty simple and probably didn't cost that much, and likely have other flimsy, hastily thought out reasons of being there. I noticed this recently with scene kids, the current trend seems to be inking up the most visible areas possible, hands, neck, face and whatnot first. I know this little scene dude in Manchester who's just got one hand and his upper chest done, and then there's this guy. It's like its become a race to see who can destroy their future/become unpresentable as quickly as possible for the least money (actually, that kind of sums up all alt culture). If that's true, then Jake Wolf, with his brand of budget screamo crunk and embarrassing cheap tattoos, certainly wins. Hi Five Bro!!!
Obviously though, not everyone views this cunt with the same disdain I do (and seriously, every picture I see, combined with that whiny fucking girl voice, make we wanna deck him something fierce), because he has managed to land himself arguably the most sought after prize in scene world, the hot, yet fucking irritating Kikikannibal.
If you don't know her, she makes shitty fucking jewellery, is a vegetarian, and self centred scene queen. She's also kina hot I guess. For some reason, she also happens to be really famous. I myself, am waiting for her brief spell of beauty to end, and for her to inevitably become just another lonely crazy old cat women, confused and angry about where her status went. I recently tried to watch one of her videos, but just couldn't take it after about 5 seconds, pulled the cat face, and had to go shove forks in my eyes.
The combination of these next level teen scene train wrecks is surely a sign of the coming scene apocalypse. I hope they have kids. Imagine how fucked up they'll make them. The shits gonna hit the fan when T Mills hooks up with Melissa Millionaire(who incidentaly seems much more fun/legit/genuine/probably a better lay than Kiki, also didn't realise that Dani has gauged lobes, which is pretty ace, chick I mentioned at the beginning had them too, turns out they don't smell of cheese).
edit: Fixed the formatting problem, and also added an extra vid on the end, thanks to a recommendation by Sargent D, cheers brah!
As any affectionardo of Screamo Crunk is aware, all songs of the genre fit squarely into 2 categories; Songs about getting crunk, and songs about having a xbrokenxheartx.
As winter makes its presence known in Manchester, and the nights get longer, the rain gets even more frequent, the sky somehow gets even greyer, I begin too see my own breath when I wake up, my level of apathy goes through the roof. Combine this with the pang of missing my regularly mentioned in this blog girl-in-London (formerly girl-with-boyfriend), who I recently visited, and had one of the best weekends of my life with, and the situation in my course being "shit just got real".
This was me and a small Asian friend of mine, about 2 days ago, on our new assignment
Basically, I'm feeling way too drained to listen to anything as kinetic as death metal or hardcore, and I cba going out and getting crunk most of the time either. This has reduced me to creating several playlists of the crappy songs on screamo crunk releases that you normally skip to get to songs like Freaxxx. So anyhow, here is my pick of screamo crunk songs to lie around feeling sorry for yourself to, based on my past couple of weeks.......
1. Hurry! Lets Go - Mayday Mayday
Sorry to whoever's holiday snaps these are, but this was the only version with lyrics I could find :(
Although it's actually chock full of gay little happy melodies, the rather middle of the road entry level xbrokenxheartx lyrics give it a strange new vibe, which lends a weird, "hey....it just is bro", feeling to it. Basically, it kind of glamorises however shit you feel, making you feel like a character in a film, thus lending you some slight hope, and making you feel slightly cooler at the same time.
2. N!tro - Running Away
Much more standard xbrokenxheartx vibe but this time with N!tro's trademark kooky lyrics ranging from quite clever and relatable to completely fucking silly. This one has such gems as "I wana leave on my Jetski, ride to the ocean so nobody can catch me, and throw my phone in the water so nobody can text me" and "you got me lost like a satellite travelling in another galaxy". Has extra value to me now after going home this weekend, "telling my mum about this shit", and her telling me to "find another girl".
3. brokeNCYDE - I don't know
It's pretty tricky to choose just one brokeNCYDE song, as pre-BC13 they have a seemingly endless supply of shamelessly self pitying songs which pretty much take emo to it's logical conclusion. It's quite surprising that they suddenly stopped respecting women and began to write the feel good crunk anthems we know and love them for. I could have easily chosen any of the others, as they're all pretty much the same. You know you're in a bad place when these lyrics no longer make you cringe. Seems to have some kind of autobiographical value for se7en, with the words "the dopest in rap but couldn't never focus on that, was too distracted by the smoke that was choking his past". Obviously even the most bro-like fun time screamo crunk MCs have issues and dark pasts they try to hide from!! Maybe the "get crunk" lifestyle is all just a show, because he's just been hurt too many times and all he really wants is to settle down and snuggle with his own lil scene love <3.>
4. Blood On The Dance Floor - Designed to Kill
It's been a good while before I've been embarrassed about liking anything, I mean, when you hang out with death metal fans and start reppin' brokeNCYDE and dot dot curve, it's gonna raise some eyebrows, but BOTDF have made me squirm in a way I'd forgotten how. Their flamboyant campness, scene hair, donkish beats, and next level tasteless lyrics make for a very bitter lemon indeed. This is pretty standard BOTDF affair, with a pretty chill chorus of the xbrokenxheartsx variety. It probably makes the list on the merit of being the only BOTDF song I'm aware of which has lyrics going beyond "suck my dick girl", into, ya know, feelings, and stuff.
5. dot dot curve :) - Rocket Ship To The Moon
Like all dot dot curve songs, the words are all a wtf!?! invoking meaningless blurrr of "I'm the sex" and "All you haters can SMB!". However, among their usual chaotic whirl of synth mashing, this song gives me quite a dark vibe, which suits the Manchester winter quite well. I've taken to wapping this on my mp3 player whenever I leave the house in my high-tops.
6. Hollywood Undead - The Diary
I expected freshers week this year to be much like the last, a whirl of parties, nights out, and alcohol, with the added bonus of being a second year. Instead, I slept alot, hung around miserably on facebook, and listened to this song, while missing girl-in-London, and all my friends back home.
7. Breathe Carolina - The Rescue
Breathe Carolina seem like the least creepy, most upstanding group here (exept maybe N!tro). All their songs are actually pretty heartfelt and there rarely seem to make immature references to getting head, so that alone makes them stand out. I just love the "Did we enjoy ourselfs, when we destroyed ourselfs". I'm probably gonna put this on a playlist for getting stoned with bros after a night out sometime.
8. The Medic Droid - The Killer Anna
I've been reppin' this song for wayyy longer than the others, and applied the lyrics to many, many girls I've had a thing with, then lost in the past couple of years. In fact I think this was the beginning of my whole screamo crunk thing, back when I still convinced myself that I only was into it "ironically".
So anyway, there ya go, a selection of jamz to keep you cold during the winter months, and provide an alternative to whatever other terrible music you normally listen too. If you're having trouble taking any of this stuff seriously, I would recommend listening while staring out a window when it's raining, and before long the ridiculousness will be lost, and you'll be applying every song non ironically to your own life and wishing you could "bro down", with Spanky from dot dot curve.
CODA:
This vid on youtube by play radio play also seems to pretty accurately convey what it is to have "scene" heartbreak, after Jennifer Jealousy or Becky Bruta1ity steps on your heart. Watched it the first time the other day and nearly fucking cried, no joke! All the cutesy phases childishly scrawled and the black and white photos of scene kids looking angsty or having "moments" together was just too much! The girl lying down staring hopeless at the silent phone was a particularly bitter pill.
I will begin this "series", as such, with "Gauged Lobes", and try to understand the hatred surrounding them.
I think it wouldn't be unfair to suggest that a big factor in the resentment Job For A Cowboy have to face on a daily basis is their bass players lobes...........and ginger hair/beard combo.
It is hard to pinpoint exactly why metal dudes hate this. I have a journalistic gut feeling that there must be something deeper at play here than simply resenting their affiliations with scene kids. Of course, look on many of the "Why deathcore sucks!" articles/youtube videos around the place and you'll find plenty of disparaging comments about them. All I can really think is that the dudes who have gauged lobes tend to be the most fun loving, hella mass chill bros in the deathcore bunch, who are normally completely oblivious to any haters they may have. For this reason, I think the majority of metalheads, making angry blogs/youtube videos, both fear and despise them the most. They won't even get angry and provide anyone with more ammunition.
Hella Cute!
I'm kina thinking of getting some myself at some point, but this scene bro I know had a girlfriend with them, and tells me that they smell of cheese. In a bad way. Plus dunno if can be arsed with the hassle of having fuck off holes in my ears whenever i'm not wearing them. Dunno how that would go down in a job interview after uni, although apparently they heal so long as you don't stretch too fast. Anyway, I'll sign off with everyones favorite scene douche bro with gauged lobes, T Mills, who is quickly becomming synonymous with this blog. Sorry, I just can't ignore him. He's just so rediculous I can't help but love him and his terrible music :)
I recently went and hung out with some generic metalhead friends I have, as part of Manchester University's rock society. I hang out with them, mainly, to simply play up my sceneness, insult power metal, call Manowar fucking gay as much as I can, and big up deathcore and wigger slam (the latter of which I use to remind them that I am actually into heavier shit than everyone in the room). For this reason, I am pretty much an expert on things that get metalheads hot under the collar, and would push them to violence, if they weren't nerdy pussy's who don't want the embarrassment and following exile getting decked by a Scene Kid would mean. Especially seeing as when we aren't present they go all tough guy about "slaying posers".
Anyhow, it was a pretty sick night, I hung out, made new friends, trolled some fat tub of goo, scoped some of the tasty new fresher chicks in the society, including one who I made out with, but wouldn't let me in after as I discovered, her (hopefully generic scene hating metalhead) boyfriend was in the flat. This was after I had said earlier, jokingly, to some other metal dudes, that the only reason they hate scenies is because we steal their chicks. I got the idea from the end of the brokeNCYDE album.
If you are a generic metal dude, that last paragraph should already have you seething with rage, with brokeNCYDE being the icing on the cake. Now understand that I know what I'm taking about. I know how to make you rage.
Of course, making metalheads rage is very much like making the Westboro Baptist Church rage. If you don't conform to a very strict set of diktats, someone will probably call you fag. Because of this, it's hardly a tricky task, but it is a rewarding one nevertheless.
"In my apartment, you can see everybody's shared Itunes, and this is what I found while creeping one day. I don't know who this "Eric Doll" person is, but he fails at music so hard I can barely believe it. 80 minutes of Brokencyde? When I got to that part, I was reminded of Bender's quote from Futurama "Someone please kick his ass!" NOTE: Eric, if you ever read this, I have nothing against you personally. But God is your music awful. And for the record, Bring Me The Horizon is not metal in any way, shape or form, and certainly not thrash. Listen to some Kreator or some Exhorder, then you will understand what real thrash is."
This Eric guy sounds like my kina bro, brokeNCYDE and BMTH?! Beats the hell out of some generic outdated thrash! Hell yeah man, although I got three and a half hours of brokeNCYDE, so I outbro you there. We should hang out sometime and steal this guys girlfriend.
Here is another gem of metalhead rage I found recently, I swear by the end I could feel the guy's cheeto breath on my face and smell his B.O. I had to back away from the screen. It all just seemed far too real, the greasy hair, the rumbling of the spit in his throat...Afterwards I sprayed some oust round the room and tried to get back to business.
Now would you rather hang out with him? or these? (I'm not sure, but I suspect, that they might be Attila fans, which would be sick, because I'm yet to meet someone else who doesn't hate that band)
So, how do you like to annoy metal folk? Any good stories or links? As easy as it is, it is actually a very rich and rewarding experience, and I urge anyone to do it. From claiming that BMTH are more technical than Origin on youtube, to telling people that Manowar are fucking gay, I guarantee that you will enjoy it. I also now have a use for T Mills :)
It is lovely when people pay attention to things you do, whether it be music, sport, or donk, and so I would like to send a big up once again to my partner in appreciating embarrassingly bad music Sargent D, for reppin' this blog on Stuff You Will Hate. If you are reading this you are either Paul, who is my only friend who knows of the blog (when the fuck we publishing the next headbang!?), Big D himself, or someone who clicked one of D's links. In any case, welcome, sit back, and grab a crunk juice (not actually available in the UK (yes, I fucking checked) so any energy drink will suffice). Now I have been linked to on both Metal Inquisition and SYWH, I might as well just destroy my router and go outside. As far as casual pointless achievements go, this is pretty fucking high.
I'm also glad that I alerted D to my horrific unearthing of T Mills. As far as discoveries go, this is like the scene equivalent of the beginning of The Exorcist. Now there may be a new whipping boy to mock, make references to, and ask the question "is this guy for real?". Soon music nerds the internet through will look back with fondness on the days when all they had to worry about was brokeNCYDE and Cryptopsy going Deathcore. Now a new age of nerd rage could very well be upon us. Subcultures are moving so fast nowadays that most likely within 6 months brokeNCYDE will no longer be relevant and I will be bitter and jaded, complaining to T Mills fans on youtube videos about how he "dosn't have the feeling that BC13 had back in the day", in a ridiculous parallel to old metal dudes getting sore about deathcore metaphorically stealing the chicks at their party.
It is probably worth a note that while brokeNCYDE do mainly appeal to teen scene chicks, they do have a few male fans, normally sleazy creepers like me, but a notable male following nevertheless. T Mills is almost entirely female followed. While guys, when they really like music, will break down the technical aspects so they can convincingly argue that their opinion is right, and probably form their own bands that copy the originals, girl super fans will draw some incredibly retarded looking sketches of you, and film themselves talking in a monotone voice along with your music in a youtube video, while giggling and holding a cat who is clearly as horrified as me at this whole thing, and just really, really wishes he was somewhere else.
So would you or not? I think naked to the right would get a poke, whereas the cat molester would probably need some serious deliberation/hard liqueur.
You can tell poor John never wanted this. Just look at his poor cat face.
This expression of confusion/terror/indignation at being fondled by a chubby girl who is probably too old to be listening to some scene douchelords gay little project, is actually almost a perfect replica of how I looked when I first saw T Mills, and for that I see this tortured soul as a kindred spirit. In fact, I think I'll dig back, and draw one more cat picture that sums up my T Mills face even more accurately.
White, middle class, English male living in Manchester. A self aware, post ironic scene kid, documenting the cultural contour lines, and the trials and tribulations they bring. Also, chilling the fuck out!
So (Plot Spoiler), it turned out that Dio dies, thus promting lots of rightly deserved tributes all over the bloggesphere, as one would expect. Although I don't really care, I can understand that feelings are running high.
Also very predictably, is the standard explosion of "hur, if they mess with us then thing'll get messy hurrr!", as well as standard "this is what religion does derp!!" internet atheism outcries from the community galore.
