So (Plot Spoiler), it turned out that Dio dies, thus promting lots of rightly deserved tributes all over the bloggesphere, as one would expect. Although I don't really care, I can understand that feelings are running high.
So I guess it's kina sucky that The Westburo Baptist (check out their rather advanced new layout!) church have decided to picket his funeral.
Also very predictably, is the standard explosion of "hur, if they mess with us then thing'll get messy hurrr!", as well as standard "this is what religion does derp!!" internet atheism outcries from the community galore.
My surprise is...why does anyone care? I mean, Westburo Baptist Church is fucking old meme, they've been made fun of, they've been hated, and they've not actually done anything other than be a mild annoyance for years now, and the internet has been chiding them all the way through. Hating them for this is like making fun of black metal.
Objectively this isn't even the most offensive thing they've ever done, seeing as they've done the same thing at US soldiers funerals, and towards post tidal wave New Orleans, which were IMO way more tragic than Dio's death. Still, the metalhead "shit, someone's attacking us, lets mobilize and talk online about how we're gonna kick someones ass!" mentality comes into play and suddenly we're so special.
Just let it go, and fuck them and their religious fevor. They probably have really shitty lives, just let them do their dumb picketing. They obviously love the attention we're giving them, and I doubt anyone's actually gonna get at them (via metal fans being nerdy pussys irl). They'll die off eventually, just don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they effected anything.
I thought the mannerisms on this forumspring question looked too familiar, and then it hit me!
Both of them use question marks instead of saying "question", and both use the word rediculous! The "hah" and "bro", also seem kina indicative of the Millster, so maybe!
Well, probably not, but it's an amusing idea that after reading the damning review that my stangry friend wrote in which he esentially did little more than repeatedly call T Mills a cunt, and that he is somehow inexplicably representative of many bad things, that Mills himself has taken an interest in Nevchrist, and is descretely watching from afar. Indeed, it could be Mills who repeatedly asked of him the question "why are you such a cunt", in some kind of reversal of "cunt", turning his own words against him. I guess it's Nevchrist's move now!
I feel pretty legitamised right now. Kina like the thrill that dot dot curve must get every time some internet nerd calls them fags, or the feeling that Scene Girl Reviews: Judge 7", must have brought. This genuinely made me lol and feel awesome about myself!
I will begin this "series", as such, with "Gauged Lobes", and try to understand the hatred surrounding them.
I think it wouldn't be unfair to suggest that a big factor in the resentment Job For A Cowboy have to face on a daily basis is their bass players lobes...........and ginger hair/beard combo.
It is hard to pinpoint exactly why metal dudes hate this. I have a journalistic gut feeling that there must be something deeper at play here than simply resenting their affiliations with scene kids. Of course, look on many of the "Why deathcore sucks!" articles/youtube videos around the place and you'll find plenty of disparaging comments about them. All I can really think is that the dudes who have gauged lobes tend to be the most fun loving, hella mass chill bros in the deathcore bunch, who are normally completely oblivious to any haters they may have. For this reason, I think the majority of metalheads, making angry blogs/youtube videos, both fear and despise them the most. They won't even get angry and provide anyone with more ammunition.
Hella Cute!
I'm kina thinking of getting some myself at some point, but this scene bro I know had a girlfriend with them, and tells me that they smell of cheese. In a bad way. Plus dunno if can be arsed with the hassle of having fuck off holes in my ears whenever i'm not wearing them. Dunno how that would go down in a job interview after uni, although apparently they heal so long as you don't stretch too fast. Anyway, I'll sign off with everyones favorite scene douche bro with gauged lobes, T Mills, who is quickly becomming synonymous with this blog. Sorry, I just can't ignore him. He's just so rediculous I can't help but love him and his terrible music :)
I recently went and hung out with some generic metalhead friends I have, as part of Manchester University's rock society. I hang out with them, mainly, to simply play up my sceneness, insult power metal, call Manowar fucking gay as much as I can, and big up deathcore and wigger slam (the latter of which I use to remind them that I am actually into heavier shit than everyone in the room). For this reason, I am pretty much an expert on things that get metalheads hot under the collar, and would push them to violence, if they weren't nerdy pussy's who don't want the embarrassment and following exile getting decked by a Scene Kid would mean. Especially seeing as when we aren't present they go all tough guy about "slaying posers".
Anyhow, it was a pretty sick night, I hung out, made new friends, trolled some fat tub of goo, scoped some of the tasty new fresher chicks in the society, including one who I made out with, but wouldn't let me in after as I discovered, her (hopefully generic scene hating metalhead) boyfriend was in the flat. This was after I had said earlier, jokingly, to some other metal dudes, that the only reason they hate scenies is because we steal their chicks. I got the idea from the end of the brokeNCYDE album.
If you are a generic metal dude, that last paragraph should already have you seething with rage, with brokeNCYDE being the icing on the cake. Now understand that I know what I'm taking about. I know how to make you rage.
Of course, making metalheads rage is very much like making the Westboro Baptist Church rage. If you don't conform to a very strict set of diktats, someone will probably call you fag. Because of this, it's hardly a tricky task, but it is a rewarding one nevertheless.
"In my apartment, you can see everybody's shared Itunes, and this is what I found while creeping one day. I don't know who this "Eric Doll" person is, but he fails at music so hard I can barely believe it. 80 minutes of Brokencyde? When I got to that part, I was reminded of Bender's quote from Futurama "Someone please kick his ass!" NOTE: Eric, if you ever read this, I have nothing against you personally. But God is your music awful. And for the record, Bring Me The Horizon is not metal in any way, shape or form, and certainly not thrash. Listen to some Kreator or some Exhorder, then you will understand what real thrash is."
This Eric guy sounds like my kina bro, brokeNCYDE and BMTH?! Beats the hell out of some generic outdated thrash! Hell yeah man, although I got three and a half hours of brokeNCYDE, so I outbro you there. We should hang out sometime and steal this guys girlfriend.
Here is another gem of metalhead rage I found recently, I swear by the end I could feel the guy's cheeto breath on my face and smell his B.O. I had to back away from the screen. It all just seemed far too real, the greasy hair, the rumbling of the spit in his throat...Afterwards I sprayed some oust round the room and tried to get back to business.
Now would you rather hang out with him? or these? (I'm not sure, but I suspect, that they might be Attila fans, which would be sick, because I'm yet to meet someone else who doesn't hate that band)
So, how do you like to annoy metal folk? Any good stories or links? As easy as it is, it is actually a very rich and rewarding experience, and I urge anyone to do it. From claiming that BMTH are more technical than Origin on youtube, to telling people that Manowar are fucking gay, I guarantee that you will enjoy it. I also now have a use for T Mills :)
Its funny how when you're texting/msning a girl that you're, even only slightly interested in, you wait the same amount of time before replying that they did before replying to your last message...generally a little longer, to be safe. They normally do the same, resulting in the exponential growth of reply time, in a game of false dis-interest. Of course...this can make any meetings a fucking nightmare to arrange in time.
So yeah, Bloodstock,...Thanks to good ol Headbang, 5 of us got press passes, so we could hang out in the really quite pleasant press section, with free Monster Energy drinks...predictably resulting in me never sleeping and being even more of a "Bro" than usual...and my girl-with-boyfriend, who I also wrangled a pass, often feeling too sick to fool around. She also woke me up at 6 every morning getting up going to get a shower, but with the Monster, I was ok! Also met dudes from The Rotted (who are like, one of my favorite bands), The Haunted and Municipal Waste, which was chill. Everyone was totally down to earth and just cool to be with...especially Ben from The Rotted, who was already on "s'up" terms with Paul, through several prior interviews. Oh yeah, and I got to interview Equilibrium too.
Me with the Benster
Thanks to me getting CDs that actually work in the Thrash Metal Bandwagon, I was able to put on all sorts of annoying screamo crunk and deathcore on the journey...I like to think our arrival to the site was something like this
Although it was really us spilling out to some perplexed looking dude in a cut off Morbid Angel t shirt.
But yeah, we didn't do as many crazy things as Wacken I guess, just hung out backstage, drank energy drinks, photoed loads of bands, and watched them, which, I guess is what you're meant to do.
It was also a pleasant surprise to see Severed Heaven, this band I played with a while back, on some crappy unsigned stage.
Although in general the people were quieter and more civil than Wacken (at least in the cararan site we were at). We did at one stage have to endure the noise of 3 middle aged men playing a Metal Hammer "battle metal" (read: shitty themed power metal) compilation from about 4 years ago out of their shitty transit van, basically fucking up the speakers, and not seeming to give a shit that it was skipping and fuzzing all over the shop. Nothing kills a moment with your girl like Dream Evil's "The Book Of Heavy Metal" being blared into your tent like a fuzzy old friend you thought you'd ditched a long time ago. I have no idea where i'm going to be when i'm middle aged, but i really hope its not at a festival with 2 other middle aged male loosers, making everyone hate me by blasting a compilation from a magazine aimed at a much younger demograph, with songs about "being a warrior". This is possibly the most laughable and half arsed attempt at being "down with the kids" that i've probably ever seen, beating anything David Cameron has done in recent years. What made it all the more depressing was how the CD itself was from about 4 years ago, and just about all the bands, and the general scene, have moved on massively. Kill me if this ever happens to me.
One night as well, we decided to venture out of the safety of our nice press pass assured camper van site, to the one for regular paying customers...where bands of people roamed around, awkwardly repeating phrases and memes, and got irritatingly drunk. Being that this wasn't in Germany, there was a massive male/female imbalance, meaning any girl was subject to intense attention from many, many very nerdy guys. At one point we found ourselves in with some extremely annoying Scottish people, who wouldn't shut up about Alestorm, a shitty Scottish pirate metal band (yeah, I know), so being the dickhead I am, told them all that they sucked, which bought some sanity to the group for a while. But we were sick of them anyway, so we stole someones hip flask and left. My girl was pretty much covered in nerds all the time as well, so at one point I had to push in and shout sarcastically "HEY GUYS, WE FOUND A GIRL....AT A METAL FESTIVAL!!!" and proceeded to drag her away. We never returned to this cest-pit.
My interview with Equilibrium was cool, kind of both a success and failure I guess, they had loads of interviews that day, and when I got to them they seemed pretty knacked, and the previous guy interviewing them had a big print out of "questions" and a professional looking microphone rig, so I took a more informal route. I loosened things up at first by chatting in German a bit (that instantly gets people on your side), and then for the interview, instead of doing my pre-arranged questions, I just chatted about, alcohol, food, mainly fish and chips, as well as cheese, and about how strange Bavaria is. Their Bass player also has an extremely, deep husky voice (for a girl), that some German girls have...it's very attractive in an unconventional way. Its a voice that tells you it's about to give you a good rodgering.
Yeah, not really much more to add to this.....it was a not particularly crazy, but still solid few days...............fuck it. Here's one of my demin jacket wearing friends dancing to brokeNCYDE for your amusement and/or horror...
And here's another picture of that glorious crotchal rip, on the singer of Sabaton, who, if I was gay, I would be so on his balls.....
Gay Porn: I'm gonna have to take you back to the station for some "questioning"
I think I might follow this up with a post about "people in bands I have a man-crush on".
Upon finishing the article in the last post, fellow HB staffer Paul Harris directed me to this video, the pinicle "Death to all but metal", by Hair Metal revivalists "Steel Panther". As it was so damn relevant, i felt i had to throw this in the end of the original article, for your enjoyment/horror.
Now, I'm sure quite how serious they are about their message, or as a band in general, but if seeing this didn't make you instantly want to appologise to the world on behalf of Metalheads everywhere, then i guess, once again, you are the woefully self unaware German dude in the Manowar tribute video (last post). This video serves more or less as a comprehensive guide to why the world hates up.
-Firstly, the guy at the beginning seems like a complete dick, and deserves to get the shit bullied out of him. In fact fuckers like this are pretty much what i'm talking about in the article. Everything about him at the beginning seems like a conversation between a long suffering mother and a spoiled, autistic child. Plus proclaiming death to all but metal, especially in that kind of situation makes you look like the most elitist douche ever, twice as much if you have no friends to begin with. If you were a metalhead in that school you should be ashamed to be lumped in with him, for the social suicide proxy would bring. In fact thanks to this guy, i bet all the moderate metalheads in this school could pretty much kiss goodbye the chance of ever loosing their virginity in high school, unless they hide their fandom very fucking well.
-I have about 6 years experience of this, and I can tell you, playing metal guitar neither gets girls to dance, strip, or hot in any way. In fact with the exception of one girl who once said she would "fuck my brains out" if i learnt "Fury of the Storm" by Dragonforce (she was mega into power metal anyway, so this is not a particularly surprising anomaly, and probably would have done the deed irregardless of me learning the song), playing guitar generally is met by a passive, rather bored, glassed over, reaction, with an air of "you're trying to hard darling". In fact, the best music to get girls hot and bothered (any girls, even into metal, no matter what they claim), is some ultra bassy techno, with a solid pounding beat.
-I really doubt that members of an American Football team would feel threatened in the slightest by four skinny guys threatening them with drumsticks, especially considering their life is about aggressive behavior and tackling people. What I'm trying to say, is they would get their asses totally beat.
-Ironically, the bands they mention, Def Leopard and Motley Crue, are some of the most neutered, radio friendly, mainstream shit ever, wheras blink 182, Eminem, Dr Dre, athough mainstream, I fucking love, and at least they dont dress like chicks while they're at it, which again, is ironic considering how much they insinuate that other people are gay. They are probably lucky they are under the radar of most of the people they insult.
-Hair metal is pretty much the most mainstream metal ever was, and an embarrassment we still have to live with.
-They are signed to Island Records, a major label, despite telling all record companies to suck their ass.
After having irked off work for headbang this month because of exams, i did however write this short editorial. Even though it's still not as good/creative/original/funny as I hoped due to time and talent constraints, i still wapped it up, and may as well post it here. That's what blogs are meant to be for right?
Quite often, I find I have to put up with the incessant ballaching of some of my peers about how, “metal isn’t respected enough”, and how it is “dismissed as a lower art form”. In fact, as good idea of what I mean, just read the blurb to “Metal: A Headbangers Journey”, which I’m sure sits in a prominent place in all of your DVD collections, the special edition of course, next to those ubiquitous Family Guy boxsets. My first response, as always will be to show them this video. This hits twice as hard if they’re a Manowar fan, who are normally the types of douches to be asking this question in the first place.
Now, tell me, did your respect for the whole subculture just plummet massively? Cos if it didn’t, then you are this guy. Metal is, and always has been, extremely childish, ridiculous, and kina retarded, and your silly persecution syndrome does nothing to help. Although there doesn’t really seem to be any other form of popular music as technical, complicated and darn brutal, metal seems to have a kind of lack of self awareness that makes it so ripe to make fun of. This is how it’s gonna remain, until everyone stops taking everything so seriously, lightens the fuck up, and gets a whole lot more open minded, as well as stops listening to black metal.
No one finds you scary, they are just laughing at you, there is nothing less evil than guys wearing makeup. And learn how to EQ a damn guitar.
It also doesn’t help in the PR department, when you act like a complete dick to anyone with a taste in music that “isn’t metal”, especially in the kind of “you wouldn’t understand” method, favoured by Meshuggah fans the world over. When I was younger, I would tell people, more or less, that my music taste was superior to theirs, with a thinly veiled prose. Looking back, i was probably right some of the time, but I still shouldn’t have been such a little git about it, and neither should you. I still see people doing this all the time, and it does nothing but make the rest of the world respect us less.
Another positive step would be to embrace scene culture! Seriously, thanks to this new wave of people playing music which is (lets not split hairs) very similar to traditional death metal, there is now an influx of attractive girls into the metal community. You can now go to a metal show and instead of the usual one or two incredibly slutty metal chicks you normally see surrounded by ugly dudes, there’s now dozens of attractive chicks hanging out! We should welcome in this stream of attractive people with looked after hair, as they distance the image of metal from the socially awkward ugly geek dudes in trench coats. Instead we have to make a big deal about how much we hate scene kids, reject any metal band if a member has a “fringe”, and get confused over which bands we’re allowed to like or not, based of how big the “scene” following is. In fact, after a friend of mine was introduced to The Faceless, one of his first reactions was to say, “Am I allowed to like them”. The Faceless to this day remains one of those borderline bands, where metalheads get confused which side of the line they’re on. Consequently, for this irrational bigotry, the rest of the world hates us even more.
If you disagree with this, you are all kinds of gay
Finally, no matter what Turisas say, listening to metal doesn’t make you a Viking, Barbarian, or warrior of any sort. It was kina a cool theme at first, but now it’s a tad ridiculous frankly, and the rest of the world just laughs harder.
Not a warrior (also unsure weather a dude or a chick too)
So now go, listen to more than just metal, don’t just hang out with metalheads, and fuck scene chicks.
White, middle class, English male living in Manchester. A self aware, post ironic scene kid, documenting the cultural contour lines, and the trials and tribulations they bring. Also, chilling the fuck out!
So (Plot Spoiler), it turned out that Dio dies, thus promting lots of rightly deserved tributes all over the bloggesphere, as one would expect. Although I don't really care, I can understand that feelings are running high.
Also very predictably, is the standard explosion of "hur, if they mess with us then thing'll get messy hurrr!", as well as standard "this is what religion does derp!!" internet atheism outcries from the community galore.
