Dani's Pokemon Years

As innocent as this song sounds, I suspect that "microphone", may be a euphomism for something far more unbecomming.

For a while I've faced disbelief/adversity for wanteing to eff Dani over the other 2 Millionaires, with her gigantic forehead and lack of the valuable Japanese geneology that the other 2 so proudly posess.

And indeed, while she she may posess that effable "four finger forehead", and husky tomboyish voice, which is especially bonerworthy whenever she uses the word "boyyyyyyyy", it's hard to keep up the feelin' when pictures like this exist:

It's always horrifying when you see a chick you crush on looking like some kind of bizarre chubby frog thing, staring into a webcam with an expression that can only be described as "chommer"

However, I guess we all have bad days/photos, and my faith is always restored on returning to her final fantasy/pokemon days:


Wish she still looked like this. Sucks how chicks always seem to go through many different "phases", of scene, before "growing up", and ultimately becomming boring/mainstream. I guess this is further evidence of me being some kind of (still pretty young, I think the Millionaires are older than me?) manchild, who just needs to "grow the fuck up". Still, if enough people stay as pokemon, then maybe, less will become boring no fun club hipsters when they hit 21, and be more down to get crunk and non ironically blast FTSKs and Amy Can Flyy while downing jagerbombs, instead of sipping cider while discussing films and their ill informed feeble grasp on politics.

Teen Hearts singer gets pissy, Bro status revoked untill further notice

As you may know if you follow LATFH, you will have noticed that Kelly, the thick rimmed glasses wearing nerd-hipster thing, has recently made a massive cunt of himself, a la Don Campan on Metal Inquisition, by getting all butthurt about the slightest bit of mockery.

If you don't know Teen Hearts, they play a kind of rather bland innofensive brand of screamo crunk type fair, most likely due to them being more indie hipster than scene kid, and thus trying to be like brokeNCYDE falls kina flat. They arn't paticularly great, ok i guess, but nothing worth getting mega crunk too. Maybe track 3 or 4 on a "Pre-gaming crunk hits" mix CD. Their big thing was they once supported that preening narcissist Jeffery Star at some point.

Matt looks like a total bro, and I'd totally get with Charity if she didn't mind me not being a hipster fgt, but Kelly and Max can fuck right off

What gets me is how seemingly unprepared he was for what was a slight amount of not even that overtly negative mocking. All it was was the embedded video with “We’re basically an adult contemporary version of Brokencyde.”, as the caption, yet thick rims McFucknuts see's this as deeply offensive. I don't get how as an autotuned pop punk band you can go fucking anywhere without being mocked and laughed at round every corner. I mean the world fucking hates it! Yet Kelly seems to have eluded the thick skin everyone else has developed.

Spanky from DDC wouldn't have anything to sing about if it wasn't for the "haters", and ask brokeNCYDE and they'll tell you they couldn't care less, in one way or another. Awesome quote from Mikl when I interviewed them ages ago "It's not that hard to go somewhere else". Crunkcore seems to pretty much revel in the attention of the "haters", almost to the extent where it's like a seal of authenticity. One of the main themes in pretty much everyone's songs from Millionaires to Hollywood Undead is, "Hate on us all you want, we don't give a shit cos we're having fun". Yet Kelly's gone and fucked with the program, and gone and whined like a little bitch.

Also, even though "faggot" has long since been de-classified to generic insult and has no real homophobic stigma, his use of the word Nigger seems kina tasteless. Probably a racist, lets pretend he is so he becomes a more ideal hate figure. A lot of these middle class hipster types are anyway, so it figures. Kina nicely brings me onto an old classic youtube video, which me and a friend recently re-discovered and thought was lol-worthy enough to post.

Kelly's existance is a strong argument for this guy's stance

Found this other video too that goes with it, where some people shout at each other and no agreement is reached, kina seems to be what always ends up happening on American news programmes. You guys seem to have lost the whole "objective relaying of information", thing.

Fox News: Gaining a better understanding of the world's problems by shouting at them.

Of course this is a world away from the sedate, soft spoken news in the UK, where the most emotion we've ever been exposed to is Trevor McDonald's slight hint of a smile, on signing off after his half century career in the news, only to sit depressingly in solitude.

Maltstream chicks crunk my world

Using this extremely close minded and generalising system I have devised (and by devised, I mean briefly pondered upon), I hope I can help any of my discerning readers identify, pigeon hole, and act accordingly around females.

On my scale, there are only 3 types of girl. The most common ones: "Hard" Alternative, and "Hard" Mainstream, which generally clump together, and most social groups will be dominated by one or the other, with little else present. Then there is the third group, my holy grail as such, known as "Maltstream", a term coined by the massively successful post ironic hipster blog "HRO". (note: this system only applies to the middle classes)

Contrary to what everyone believes/tells you/are duped into believing by music videos, "Hard" alt girls are normally, not humble/misunderstood, extremely bitchy, closed minded, and kina fucked up and self centred. This is generally a result of hanging out in alt social circles, where (socially inept) guys massively outnumber girls, and so any girl, nomatter how fat/ugly, will get heaps more attention than if they stuck to mainstream sociality. This normally leads to them being painfully self centered, case in point: Kiki Kannibal. They also seem to fight amongst each other on a mean girls esque scale, vying for position of most relevant/alternative hot of the group, generally by banging a guy considered more successfully alt than the other chicks (due to band, art, gnarly tats). Plus most of them seem to be there for the alternative "image" above all else.

Meanwhile mainstream girls are normally a bit more pleasant and accepting, and simply have the major floor of being shit boring. It's obviously a massive sized demograph, yet they normally simply seem to have almost exactly the same views and conversational topics (espesh in uni).

replicate this picture a few hundred times and you have every mainstream girl's facebook. possibly with the odd folder of some holiday in Canada or something.

Then there are the glorious maltstream chicks, who my British alternative heart truly goes out too. Consisting of the best of each, mainstream enough to function normally in most social situations, alt/fucked up enough to have interesting conversations with and be into decent music/go to gigs with you and not be freaked out when you go hardcore dancing/pitting. Pretty much all the chicks I've ever had a meaningful connection/relationship with have been maltstream, as they glide between a spectrum of social groups like a carefree satellite in a studded belt, girl boxers and phat skate shoes. Normally they can be identified by a small generic tattoo, normally on the upper back.

And lets not forget Alison Harvard, the ultimate Maltstream!

Things Metalheads hate Pt 1: Gauged Lobes

I will begin this "series", as such, with "Gauged Lobes", and try to understand the hatred surrounding them.


I think it wouldn't be unfair to suggest that a big factor in the resentment Job For A Cowboy have to face on a daily basis is their bass players lobes...........and ginger hair/beard combo.

It is hard to pinpoint exactly why metal dudes hate this. I have a journalistic gut feeling that there must be something deeper at play here than simply resenting their affiliations with scene kids. Of course, look on many of the "Why deathcore sucks!" articles/youtube videos around the place and you'll find plenty of disparaging comments about them. All I can really think is that the dudes who have gauged lobes tend to be the most fun loving, hella mass chill bros in the deathcore bunch, who are normally completely oblivious to any haters they may have. For this reason, I think the majority of metalheads, making angry blogs/youtube videos, both fear and despise them the most. They won't even get angry and provide anyone with more ammunition.

Hella Cute!

I'm kina thinking of getting some myself at some point, but this scene bro I know had a girlfriend with them, and tells me that they smell of cheese. In a bad way. Plus dunno if can be arsed with the hassle of having fuck off holes in my ears whenever i'm not wearing them. Dunno how that would go down in a job interview after uni, although apparently they heal so long as you don't stretch too fast. Anyway, I'll sign off with everyones favorite scene douche bro with gauged lobes, T Mills, who is quickly becomming synonymous with this blog. Sorry, I just can't ignore him. He's just so rediculous I can't help but love him and his terrible music :)

The Black brokeNCYDE: Screamo Crunk, the Zeitgeist

As I have mentioned him before a few times, although never using his actual moniker of N!tro, i thought it was high time to honor the brother with a full post, kind of.

Expert sagging, those sweet checkered vans, post-shutter shade UV protection, and black.....dyaaam!

He's kind of a bit like 3OH!3, but with better production, and more street cred (through being black). He also just did some kina colab with those cunts from dot dot curve or something, and some ugly scene douche called J Bigga.

Scene wiggers actually seem to know genuine black people now, even if they do just act hella white around them.

J Bigga is also known for this video, recently featured on look at this fucking hipster in which he brings a scene element to crazy youtube conspiracy theorist culture.



So anyway, I fuckin jam out N!tro all the time since rapidsharing his album, I would have probably paid, had it been available anywhere but itunes, but it isn't, and apple can smb. Got some pretty terrible/awesome/relatable lyrics too, in a bullshit scene kid kina way, seems to quite accurately convey romance in a kind of alt teen setting, referencing facebook, myspace top friends, txting and all that other passive aggresive bullshit.

Anyway, heres probably his most popular song, and the one which introduced me to the reality of black people being aware of/being scene kids. We all kind of guessed that there must be at least one out there, maybe you even saw one on a google image search when you were bored, but they never seemed truly real, in the same way komodo dragons arn't really "dragons".



Despite being obviously kind of middle class, having more in common with, say, Kanye West than Mobb Deep, the dude still strikes me as a hella mass chill bro. I wish I had more friends like him, or any black friends at all for that matter, at the moment the best i really have are some maltstream* azns, so the idea of a black scene dude really gets me going.

Also, if you step into the photo section of his myspace, you unlock an incredible new world, where many more non-white scene kids come out of no where, and scene is no longer simply the persuit of pale bulimic suburban white kids.

.....and if that didn't turn things around enough for you, in this crazy world of opposites that N!tro seems to be creating from his bedroom, the white scenes are all red puffy, chubby and rather retarded looking creatures, as we see by this monstrosity.

Feels good that screamo crunk could be becoming some kind of subcultural utopia, with an equal racial cross section. This may simply be due to the fact that all scene kids/scene wiggers are pretty middle class, by which black middle class people are also sort of wiggers too, in that they are just as alien to the inside of a Mobb Deep lyrics sleve as white middle class kids, but feel like they have to live up to that image anyway, therefore, racial devide becomes completely meaningless, as everyone works together to chase that golden grail: being truly "street/black". I myself see N!tro as the scene answer to Martin Luther King.

So anyhow, while N!tro may be both making awesome crunk music, and challenging racial steriotypes, all is not good on the screamo crunk front, as i discovered a few mornings ago, checking out myspace, discovering one of the worst abuses of autotune yet: T Mills.


Now, I love autotune vocals, screamo crunk, Attack Attack!, gauged lobes and plenty of other shit, but this guy just seems to be taking it too far, into uncomfortable territory. He is like the practical joke that stops being funny, and ends in a hospital trip, and just like that, he made me have to stop for a second, and seriously re-evaluate my stance on both silly music and life. I am still not 100% on whether he is actually real, or some kind of creature from our collective ids, like a scene pyramid head, telling us what we could become if we arn't careful. He seems too ridiculous to be true, but both myspace and google search suggest otherwise.

So where to begin; despite the fact that the music is terrible, and has non of the flair of brokeNCYDE, 3OH!3 or my new fantasy bromance N!tro, he looks like some kind of Oli Sykes squared monster, with a terrible case of trying-too-hard-not-to-be-a-spoiled-white-pussy-so-gets-a-shit-load-of-body-mods. I myself, embrace my status as spoiled white pussy, it's who I am, and it means i'm probably going to be spending most my life in relative comfort, so fuck anyone who has a problem with it. Wish I had a massive trust fund too. There is not one element of this dude that isn't taken to a ridiculous extreme, its like he went into the "make your own scene kid" on the sims or something, and put everything on full.

I'm also terrifyed as hell to find out what his age is, because if he's younger than me, I will probably have yet another early onset midlife crisis. It also fucked me up to learn that Taylor Swift is younger than me too. As well as that now I can watch porn with chicks that are younger than me, something that has fucked me up for a while. I'm only 20 yet I already feel old and washed up, and full of regret. Needless to say, I kind of envy the guy, having such an easy marketing ploy. I think tryna make it in a death metal band has probably been the wrong option, shitty autotune music is obviously the way to go. It's way easier, a fucking robot practically sings it for you, and scene chicks fucking love the shit out of it. Fuck you T Mills, fuck you. I just hope you're fucking wrinkled, broke and pathetic by the time you're 40 (the ink should hopefully keep you out of most jobs), while I will be wrinkled, rich and pathetic, reeling in the wake of my second marriage, wondering what the fucking point of living on is. Actually, fuck, you'll probably somehow still be happier than me.

Anyway, here's some more N!tro, as mimed by some scene cutie, who's probably young enough to find me creepy. Actually, she kind of looks like this 17 year old chick the singer of my band was banging for a while, despite him being 25 (props bro!).



*MALTSTREAM - a term coined by Hipster Run Off, meaning, mainly mainstream, but with some alternative tenancies, I.E could like some alt music, wear slightly alt clothing, or whatever. Will probably do some kind of post about them laters, as I'm pretty sure Maltstream chicks are the best in every way.

Another awesome night: Crunk Kids vs Hipsters

So, the friends outdoor indie film i saw last night wasn't actually that bad in terms of hipster activity, a few jumpers and minimal thick glasses and silly beards, but the most ridiculous people there by far were me and my brother, so i don't really have a right to poke fun at anyone else.

Lets get freaky now, lets get fucking freaky now

The film and the music weren't that bad either, although seeing as it was live there's no chance of a youtube. Afterwards, as people started the usual "oh its getting late and I have an early start tomorrow" routene, I managed to pull enough of a tantrum to get a sizable amount of people to stay out. We hit a pub, then me and my brother went back to this girl my brother knows flat with another girl he knows, I got semi fucked up on her mums wine, tried to make custard and failed horribly, heavily made out with one of the girls to Killswitch Engage, stopping just short of second (she had a boyfriend or something), and left at 6. Another fucking ace night! Also, at one point when we were both topless in the living room, my brother burst in dressed as a Darlek, and shouted "Look what I found!!!!", then realised it was on the wrong way round and left to go bully the other girl who was trying to sleep.

Despite earlier ballaching, summers also being pretty good. I not got my results yet, but I've ended up chilling back home in Lancaster, got enough overdraft to not have to work, cept a week helping out at the uni graduation for £500, and its been class so far. Phewwwwww, now so long as the results are ok.............

Get Crunk: An evening with brokeNCYDE

A few weeks ago, I posted about a night I went to see and interview brokeNCYDE for Headbang. As promised, here is said interview. I'm well aware that as far as interviews go, it's pretty poor, but hell, considering Mikl was simultaniously doing this and checking myspace, it ain't too bad.

Headbang: Firstly, an introduction, tell us about how the band came to be and about where you’re from.

Mikl: I’m Mikl, this is Sev, erm, we started the band back in 2004, our girlfriends broke up with us around this time so our music was partly inspired by that.

Headbang: What’s the Scene like in new Mexico

Mikl: Mostly Metal, so us doing what we do was really different so we just wanted to step out and reach out to a lot of different people

Headbang: Did that cause any conflict with the Metal scene in the beginning?

Se7en: Well, there was the metal scene and like our scene. We like invented our own scene.

Headbang: So in the beginning before you established your scene, was it ever hard to get gigs and stuff because you didn’t fit in with anything?

Se7en: We started opening up for metal bands, and like, our music’s so gay compared to metal, but we still won some fans from it.

Headbang: So you kind of started your own scene from the local metal scene?

Se7en: Yeah, kina

Headbang: So, first time in England, how’s the reaction been and everything?

Mikl: Really good, a lot of kids come out and we’re really happy

Headbang: Surpirised?

Mikl: Yeah, its really surprising, we’re thankful for all of the fans that come out.

Headbang: Where are you going after this?

Mikl: home tomorrow, then it’s the warped tour, then we come back hear for a show in Holland and a show in London, then we have time off finally. The after that we have a five week tour in Europe. We’re always touring!

Headbang: Tell us about the new album you’re about to release

Mikl: Yeah, its on myspace now, I don’t know why, but it drops the 15^th here and the 16^th in the States.

Headbang: And how are reactions?

Mikl: A lot of people are happy, there’s people who don’t like how we re-did some of the songs, but they don’t understand that we had to because when we first did them it was in a closet. When you’re in a studio it’s really hard to replicate what you know, we tried to do what we could to make it sound as close as possible, but it had to sound like an even record, and true fans understand that.

Headbang: If you could put together a tour with anyone else, who would you chose?

Mikl: I think a crazy tour would be us, 3OH!3, Hollywood Undead and Breath Carolina

Headbang: How do you feel having polarized opinions so much, in that people either hate or love you?

Mikl: It was what it is, people either hate us or love us, If you don’t like us it’s not that hard to go to someone else.

Headbang: Where did the idea of the song “Bree Bree!” come from?

Se7en: Grindcore bro! Grindcore, Metal, Hardcore, that’s all there was back in New Mexico, we wanted to make fun of the local band’s vocals so we just got some club beats with their vocals and made this random song.

Headbang: Which Grindcore bands are you into?

Se7en: Job for a Cowboy, Dr Acula, I like a lot.

Headbang: A lot of people say it was “Waking the Cadaver” inspired.

Se7en: People thought it was a song against cops, or a song for vegetarianism, there’s so many rumours about the song, and no one knows the true origin of it, its just a fun song making fun of grindcore! We didn’t expect it to be the song that everyone knew us for.

Headbang: Are there any plans to do more pig squeals in the future?

Mikl: No, some of the songs have a little bit of grind, but nothing intense

Se7en: Haha Its kina hard to do good squeals anyway, we were really trying and I didn’t know how to squeal at all so I just kind of did whatever.

Headbang: Out of all the shows you’ve played what have been the worst and the best?

Mikl: I don’t see any shows as bad, I see them as learning experiences

Se7en: As long as they’re kids there and they’re happy, it can be 5 kids or 5000.

Mikl: There have been show with not many being there, but we still play our hearts out onstage.

Headbang: What would you be doing if you weren’t doing this?

Mikl: Who knows, I’d probably be working somewhere trying to make a living, looking for my nitch in life. Sevens always been doing music so he’d still probably be doing music.

Headbang: Before brokeNCYDE were you in any other bands or anything?

Mikl: No, I have never been in a band, ever.

Se7en: I was like this solo, underground hip-hop artist. It was way different from brokeNCYDE, it was very lyrical. About the government, politics, really complex stuff. (laughing) it was way deeper than brokeNCYDE.

Headbang: Hows do you guys unwind on tour?

Mikl: We really don’t, we’re always touring so when we do get time off it’s like maybe a week

Se7en: And during that time we’re always doing interviews or writing lyrics or doing something involving the band. Its been going on like this for over 2 years now.

Headbang: What are your favorite alcoholic drinks?

Mikl: I don’t drink, but these guys drink everything. From hard liquor to Corona. Everything, alcohols alcohol.

Headbang: How long can you see the band going on in its current state?

Mikl: I don’t know, we just take it a day at a time. We don’t wana look forward. That’s probably the right thing to do, but we don’t wana be disappointed y’know? We just want to continue doing this, making people happy, that’s all we care about. Our fans.

So, we got all the "its all about the fans" cliches in there! And not even a hint of irony, exept from good ol' se7en. Pretty funny how seriously Mikl's taking this whole thing, when they're the most ridiculous thing out there. Also, who'd have thought one of the men behind 40oz dosn't drink. Well, fuck it, they crunk my world anyway so good times. Went cruising today in my friends new saxo blasting their album out...it was sweet. Now im gonna go and watch some short film by my hipster friends with live hipster music, if anything funny happens, or just any unintentionally hilarious hipster activity i'll post a report. I expect there to be lots of jumpers and thick rimmed glasses. Me and my brother are of course going in brightly colored street wear and shutter shades. My brother's already been pissing off the guy by posting on the facebook wall for the event "does the main charactor die in the end?", which happens, predictably, to be true. Spoiler warning. But to be fair, the main charactor dies at the end of all these arty films, so it wasn't much of one. Saw one of the bands a few days ago, because it was dark all i could really see was the apple logo on the Mandatory mac these people always seem to use. Kina depressing. I guess i should support my friends artistic endevours, even if i do just end up embarressing them in front of their hipster friends, which seems likely to happen.