Friday zaster: Fail Mountain

This friday involved a myriad of poor life choices from yours truly, starting with drinking vodka while studying in the morning before an exam. What started as a mere swig to simply "take the edge off", grew steadily into many swigs to tackle many edges, and before I knew it, I was DGAF'ing instead of studying, and live-tweeting said downfall.



The exam went pretty poorly, as one may expect, at one point I tried to make myself puke by fingering my throat so I could get out and maybe be able to do it again in a more capable state, but it lead to nothing other than a sharp retching noise, causing some slight attention and embarressment, so I just put my head down and tried my best to regurgitate some kind of knowledge onto the page.

Luckily it was just some bullshit module with little credit worth, so if you were gonna be drunk for any it would be that one, which was lucky. But as most of my uni friends reminded me, apart from my azn, who just giggled, drinking and exams is never good.

After the exam I happened upon a few scene friends I'd not hung out with for a while, and continued to get fucked up in canal street, Manchester's "gay quarter", as the majority of our little group of alts happened ghey/les. It turned into a surprisingly decent day, I made new friends, got drinks bought for me [via Rich(er) Girls] and managed to safely pass out in my bed at 9pm sharp, giving me plenty of time to get my system/head clean for revision the next day.

Also learnt during my travels that one of the scene bros was some kind of minor scene youtube celeb (3006 subs :/), which was kina amusing, via silly pointless vids of ugly English people.

5 unabridged minutes of morbidly obese classless British scene fail: courtesy of "Chloe Carnage"

You don't even know meeeeee!

Also included was the obligatory "stop judgeing us!" video that all internet alts have to have, after getting butthurt when someone calls them gay. Kina redundant, especially seeing as how the internet is just pretty much a big room that you walk into and everyone calls you a fag.

Anyway, apparently the dudes kina embarressed about it now, and dosn't make them, so I might, if I get a chance, try and convince him to start again (via sucking up) just for the hell of it :/. If anything it should produce some more potential lolfests. I ran into him once before very briefly via a mutual friend, and he seemed decent enough, if not a little camp. One of those people who can't really speak without making wild arm movements.

Anyway, speaking of internet things you later regret when you get older, I appear to have found the alt Mclovin on myspace. Amusingly enough it was through a picture comment his girlfriend left on JT Lloyds myspace, saying she was jelous of his girlfriend.

Gross hair? Pre-pubescant mustache? Sideways Piece sign? Hat Tilt? Damn son! You're livin' the dream!

There are too many awesome pics of this wonderful little wigger to choose just one, but anyway, here are some of the best. It's like this guy is a one man edition of Wigged and Confused.

we are all very impressed with your collection of shitty $100 guitars. And your doubel chin pose.

Nomatter how hard they try, some people can never get past the "nerdarms", and that awkward way they hang slightly forward

This'll show her!!! lololol, with the caption "You know who you are".

Everything becomes clear.

Love how myspace is now a pool of dumb poor, often OTW teenagers now. It's like, everyone else left to go to facebook, and now it's been condensed into some kind of internet equivalent of Australia, where all the reprobates and undesirables get shipped off too.

Hilarious Scene Face of the week

Mark: This Romantic Tragedy


As Sargent D once said, sometimes scene hair = putting lipstick on a pig

Is T Mills discretely following my angry friend?

I thought the mannerisms on this forumspring question looked too familiar, and then it hit me!

Both of them use question marks instead of saying "question", and both use the word rediculous! The "hah" and "bro", also seem kina indicative of the Millster, so maybe!

Well, probably not, but it's an amusing idea that after reading the damning review that my stangry friend wrote in which he esentially did little more than repeatedly call T Mills a cunt, and that he is somehow inexplicably representative of many bad things, that Mills himself has taken an interest in Nevchrist, and is descretely watching from afar. Indeed, it could be Mills who repeatedly asked of him the question "why are you such a cunt", in some kind of reversal of "cunt", turning his own words against him. I guess it's Nevchrist's move now!

Ask what his next move will be!

FUCKYEAHGERMANY!!!!

The yearly WTF?!?! That is Karnival

So a (pretty rich) friend recently paid for me to go to Germany last week for "Karnival", in Cologne, a sick ass German street fest I went to last year. Pretty much twice every year I tend to at some point find myself in Germany, and whenever I'm there it's sheer awesomeness still gets me. Ever since I was 14 it's been like my favorite place ever, I've dated 3 girls there, and I have a ton of friends all over the place too, from Rendsburg to Munich. Here is why Germany rules more that your shitty country, and a few weird/amuzing experiences I've had there:

Da Germanz, Dey Luv Me:
Ok, so this one most likely dosn't apply to you, but I thought I'd include it anyway. Germans fucking love me! Seriously, I have no idea why, I probably pull off some kind of mix of cute foreigner + alt cred + natural cool bonus from being English that applys all over the world. Either way, I do just get on with Germans way better than most non-Germans, even through the (ever diminishing) language barrier. Actually, some Germans fucking hate me, and think I am an annoying asshole, but most I just gel with really well. Kina like marmite with a higher success rate.

Bros:
Some of the guys with the most bro points i've ever met come from Germany. If you follow me on twitter you may have noticed the event where at aformentioned Karnival one of my best German bros was arrested for some kind of vandelism/drunk and disorderly German hybrid equivalent. He did this while fancy dressing as an escaped convict. I can just imagine how hilarious he must have looked in the holding cell.

Props bro, but soon you'll be in a cell and won't get to hit that

Another bro worth mensioning was this dude fro a foreign exchange back in high school, who was probably the best argument for Nazi Germany i've ever met. Taller than six foot, blue eyes, blond hair, with the muscle formation of a black man, pretty much straight from a Hitler youth propagada poster. During the course of the exchange, he dominated the assault course, broke up a fight at a party, carried about 2 thirds of all the components needed when we had to build a raft (out of a team of 6), and on the last night broke his previous stone cold a-sexual vibe by getting with the hottest girl around, this Polish chick who everone else had been breaking their backs trying to get her attention, after she had been comming on to him the whole night. When he left, my brother refered to him as "The only person I've ever loved" (no homo). And my brother hates everyone.

Bromances that will last a lifetime (no homo)

Girlz:
German girls are the fuckin' shit! From their stone cold veneer hiding a playful center that just wants to get out, their subdued Randy vibes carefully obscuered beneath well kept side swept hair, the dissaproving looks they give you when you do anything silly.

Also remember this girl from a year or so ago when me and one of my firends were chilling in a bar there, we'd just got off the plane so were kina knackered, and although everyone else was dancing we were content to just lean on the bar and drink and "play it cool". Then out of the blue this textbook German chick comes out of no where wanting to dance and says, "Hallo? Es ist Partyzeit!!". This ones for you, semi drunk German party girl!

Also, there was this fucking crazy dude there we met through a friend who told us about all the money he had made selling knifes and drugs to school children, yet was also politically aware as hell, and expressed his thoughts on how the German judicial system was too easy on repeat offenders. I'm not sure if he was aware of the irony of this, or whether it was the beginnings of some kind of lengthy diatribe on how he "is a product of the system", but anyway, shows you how even the criminals in Germany are of a higher class than in other places.

Man Chorus:
The horror. More or less every national pride type song involves the sound of burly men singing together.

There is no escaping this song...or Hohner's mustashe

Mums/MILFS:
For some reason, German mums are the most down to party demograph over there. They love to dance, get tipsy, and giggle at stuff. On one foreign exchange trip I actually got on better with my host's mum than her, and spend one awesome evening just chilling out with her, drinking their expensive wine, and waxing philosophical about life, getting gradually more and more drunk.

Also brings back horrific memories from some street party in Kiel, watching a large crowd of middle aged German women dancing together, being DJ'd to by some handle bar mustached middle aged dude who kept saying "I vant to fack!".

Large Men:
Germans are in General, large people. I don't mean this in the morbidly obese sense of the word, as their general lifestyle and eating habits are way healthyer than the UK/US. They are just kina scaled up. Like the time me and a friend realised we were the shortest people in a club (including the females), or the time I was in a bathroom and had to tip toe to get my cock in the urinal. There are still shorties about, but just a hell of a load of Aryan giants too. I don't know why this is a good thing, but it is funny in a strange kind of way.

Two giant gruff men once called me and my friend gay (in a jovial fasion) once after we left a large heart shaped chocolate at their table. It was hilarious and intimidating at the same time. It didn't help that the chocolate said "Ich Liebe Dich" (I love you).

Beer:
German beer fucking rocks. End of. If you disagree you are wrong and/or American, and thus weaned on piss weak shit you can't even legally get fucked up on untill you're 21.

wtf?!?!?

Scene Kids:
Not only is Germany home to a large selection of scene cuties!



But also this odd lesbo, back from my very first ever post!



So there, Germany, with its eccentric quirkyness and odd traditions, rulez d00d! If you have any other pro experiences there, let me know! I'm sure that regular German commenter in these parts, Grobiwonder, will refute my claims of Germany's sheer brilliance, via the "the place I come from fucking sucks" mentality, but he is wrong. Germany > UK <3!!!

If Only: Scene Jersey Shore

So recently I've been tots getting into this awesome US reality show, Jersey Shore. The basic premise, for everyone who is not American, is fill a house with those funny orange people you probably know from various internet pictures, and just let them do their thing, knowing that their natural stupidity/ego/lack of self awareness will lead to some mad entertaining situations and some absolutely pro quotes.

From what I gather, the program gets quite a lot of flak for being kind of low brow (lets face it, The Wire it ain't) like all reality shows do. I mean yeah, most do suck, and are generally boring as hell, but something about Jersey Shore actually strikes me as genuinely quite decent TV. Although I can only really speak from an English perspective on the subject, most of the reality shows here suck so much because the people are generally just shit boring and are either focused on too much or not enough. Plus there's something about stupid English people talking to the camera that just tanks.

This qualifys as highlights, no fighting, no drinking, no fist pumping, no orange

But yeah, the way Jersey Shore pans out actually works really well, other reality shows take note!

Firstly, it's a given that you actually hate everyone, and you do, for at least the first hour or so. The makers have pretty much banked on this, combining the natural prejudice against reality show contestants with the universal hatred/mockery of "Guidos" (a phenomena I am yet to experience first hand, although am totally thinking about hitting up the Jersey Shore sometime). They begin by exploiting the Guidos natural guidishness, showing them packing their cars with rediculous amounts of hair products, fake tan, whey protein, and other such artifacts of Guid.



However, as things progress, personality's further than "I work out 5 times a week and I like to parrrtttyyyyyy!" begin to emerge, as well as various amusing conflicts and relationships. So far this sounds kina standard, but there is something about the setting, the sheer egos and aggression involved, and the general hilarious stupidity of most involved that make Jersey Shore hella more entertaining than any other reality show I've seen before. The characters, while their likability and integrity may be rather questionable, do play off each other in a very entertaining way, and they do manage to actually go through with some decent drama fodder such as fighting and bringing chicks home on the regular. One episode of Jersey Shore has probably more drama content than an entire series of Big Brother or any other UK pseudo-celebrity snooze fest. And that's another thing, the UK tends to use reality shows as a vehicle for the same old dull celebs to tred water in an endless cycle of public mockery and Heat magazine type fame, instead of delving into the actual public, where you can find people who are far more interesting to watch, before the fame gets to them and renders them shit boring. (For this reason kina skeptical about season 2 of Jersey Shore).



So anyway, I was thinking, while Guidos and their drama makes for all kinds of amusing TV, there's another group of people who are that much more real to me, that could also do all this crazy shit and make some silly show with it! Scene Kids of course! While it could quite easily just end up being a group of depressive lamos hanging around on stickam on their parent's macbooks pouting for various photoshoots in a bid to try and look much more fun than they actually are, I think the mix of well known scene "characters" I have drafted up (with some pointers from the esteemed yeahyouknowit) shall ensure that a full, drama filled time will be had by all involved!

After running it by VH1 on Friday I've been assured we can start filming this fall, for an early 2011 release date! So here are my ideas for the most explosive mix of scene fgts for my new reality show "Crunk Shore":

T Mills (autotuned crunk fgt)

So yeah, this was probably the most obvious choice, seeing as how much I love this prick and his god awful/awesome brand of super auto tuned crunkcore. Partly I just wana put the bro to the test, and see if he can "walk the walk". I guess I kina expect him to be like the scene "The Situation" (with scene kids, tats are the equivalent of the Guido's abs), and live up to his lyrics of pulling "Rich Girls" and the like. Although I always wondered, looking like he does, I'm sure he would have a hard time getting most rich girls to take him seriously (and most human beings in general), seeing how the girls he describes sound painfully mainstream, instead of the "alt hoes" you would expect. Then again, i guess he can probably pull the old "bad ass" trick, which can snare boring girls for roughly a week before the novelty wears off.

Mellisa Millionaire (Millionaires)

A female counterpoint to T Mills, and a scene girl who actually gets the concept of fun. She would totally hit the town every night, to, if Millionaires lyrics are anything to go by, break hearts and take names! Plus I think it would be pretty amusing to see her puking into the toilet every morning, bits of regurgitated pizza getting caught in that lovely big hair. There could also be a special episode where the rest of the Millionaires girls come up, and T Mills and Se7en go retarded running around trying to impress them, while Kiki gets all butthurt over the lack of attention and breaks a plate or something.

Se7en (brokeNCYDE)

Do I really need to explain this one? Also needs to be put to the test, to see if he gets as crunk as he says he does.

Kikikanibal (internet brat)

So while people who are actually fun and likable are all good, I thought it would also be necessary to throw in a self obsessed drama queen to be a general bitch/hate figure. After every dude in the house hits on her relentlessly before getting sick of her bullshit, she would then start to have regular stress outs whenever the dudes bring any new chicks home. Would also probably have long emotional session with the other girls and tell them how they're "like a sister to me", before turning on same girl when they talk to the wrong guy or actually try and have fun because she's just being an annoying little bitch.

Johnny 3 Tears (Hollywood Undead)

While he isn't really overtly "scene", and more "wigger" (although the two are closely linked) I figured the house would need at least one dude who would be up to genuinely throwdown when some drunk dude in a club starts flicking Mill's lobes or leering all over Kiki. Plus he would probably at some point in every conversation say shit like "You don't know what hardcore is! I was in prison dammit!!" and be a source of other such lolquotes. I'm pretty much banking on him starting fights when they go out, based purely on HU's "scummier than most" image.

Amor Hilton (Internet brat/Model)

Would probably assert that she is "above" all this, not have fun, try and act like she thinks intelligent people act, make a fool of herself, and get pregnant about a week or so in.

Dahvie Vanity (Blood On The Dancefloor)

As much as I dig BOTDF, I can't help strongly dislike this bro for being chubby, socially awkward, creepy as hell, and possessing of the annoying type of Jeffry Star (who I genuinely hate) esque self obsessed narcissism. Basically a male counterpoint to kiki, but without being attractive enough to back it up. Who knows, maybe he is actually kind of fun irl, but he strikes me more as the type to creep all over drunk girls before proclaiming an eventual grope/passed out make out as "scoring". I would love to see him hastily appologise and backtrack like hell with that eerie soft voice of his though when someones boyfriend takes issue with his creeptastic ways.

Kristen Randell (Winds of Plague)

Although I actually know fuck all about her personality, I sense she would probably be one of the more down to earth ones, whos purpose would be to protect Mellisa from drunken rape/hold Johnny back/make Dahvie leave chubby underage girls alone/tell kiki to get the fuck over herself. Kind of like a mediating influence on everyone else's irresponsibility. I have no idea why I think this is what she'd do, it's just the vibe I get. Also, peep the first Google image result of her name (via scene boobage).

Any more ideas?

Let it Snow: lolengland, and The Acacia Stain providing epic moments

I was recently hanging out with some bros, sitting on a sofa curled up so my stomach was all folded like a pillow, and my tight All Shall Perish T Shirt had ridden up to a degree where a slight amount of flesh was visable, when one of my friends peeped me and said, "hey, have you put on a little weight over the last year? Sure you used to be skinnier". At that very moment, a terrible, life altering, quite frankly momentous realization hit me. The past year of student diet, general complacency, and exam pre-occupation had made one of my greatest fears become reality; and at that moment, I became a male scene balloon............



With this incredible realization, I knew I had to start running again on the regular, and eating less, to regain the definition I once had, or consign myself to an eventual fate as a Tank.

If you're English, you will have noticed that recently it's been snowy as shit, causing our ill-prepared infrastructure to have all kinds of problems, and society in general to begin to decay like that Jericho show or something, as well as the news having been transformed into a collection of aerial shots of snow, interspersed with the odd old person complaining about slipping over or something.



So anyway, the other day I took to the canal near my house for a run, which had been transformed into a beautiful frozen winter wonderland, with the new Acacia Strain, Continent, on my mp3 player. Midway through, when I was in the fucking zone, and listing to the awesome "JFC" (Jesus Fucking Christ), I felt baddass as anything, powering throught the snow growling "I AM THE END OF THE WORLD!!!" like it was a montage in the hardcore version of Rocky or something. This feeling of hardcore inspired baddassery only built, untill the awesome instrumental "The Behemoth" at the end of the album made me have to pause, check the path both ways, forwards and back, and then start throwing down, mid run...



Only now, upon reflection, being no longer "in the fucking zone", can i begin to imagine how hilarious I looked. Imagine watching a jogger suddenly stop, make sure there's no one about, and suddenly out of the blue start windmilling and throwing moves.......fuck!

Anyway, all the snow's just begun to melt, leading to puddles and mud and shit all over my winter wonderland, which was a bitch when I walked my dog this morning, cos I'd only just cleaned my high-tops!

Studying like a motherfucker as planned, and listening purely to Emmure and The Acacia Strain for inspiration. Also started a new game on Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped, which I forgot how awesome it was. This time I'll be sure to collect all the gems and relics, as I never had the patience/methodical boringness to do so when I was 10 or whatever.



As for yeahyouknowit's inquiry to my baldness and its general incompatibility =/= with scene aesthetic, I find that it depends on how I'm dressing. Sometimes I find I look like some kina "NYHC" type bro, or token wigger in deathcore bands


However, it's when I'm dressing slightly more flamboyant [via hightops, silly bright coloured t shirts et al] that thing get a little bit more interesting. I kina look a bit like this guy I saw in some alt porn the other day:



I guess I'll have to wait until after the exams before I can gauge a decent reaction when I start going out again. [via macking on local Manchester scene chicks]

Has anyone else ever begun hxc dancing in the middle of a completely unrelated activity?
Anyone want to recomend me some good jamz for running/working out in general? (anything goes)

It's pretty cold in here, but i'll be home soon

First Tuesday in ages haven't hit the town with my altbro from the despised icon post a bit back, which kina sucks, cos we got to the point where we pretty much own this popular scene club in town. Be back after the Christmas holidays and January exams in full force to reclaim our territory, plus there's this scene cutie in there who must be the hottest thing around who i totally need to get with. He's an Illustation of how it might be my altbro drew up, based on the popular video game Pokemon:

Kina insulted he only gave me 20HP, what the fuck am I? A level 2 Rattata?

I especially love how he gave me a fringe and new era cap (with sticker), on top of an existing "meme" image, lotta thought and love :)

Planning on relaunching our band soon as well, as just the two of us, seeing how thanks to the internet, you can actually do pretty well without playing live or apparently even having any albums, so long as you have enough of a "Keut" personal brand going. Just peep J Bigga and Dot Dot Curve and all that stuff, and goddamn Senor Bivins! So long as you have a sick ass myspace, twitter, and some cool merch, and put yourselfs out there as being "fun ass guise who are down 2 party", i'm pretty sure the internet will gobble you up. Be interesting to see if it works for death metal/deathcore though, actually yeah, Disfiguring the Goddess/Big Chocolate pulled it off!

Plus me and him work totally fly together anyway whenever we go out, He's the tough ass serious muscular metalhead in black, and I'm the cutesy playful scene one in happy colours, (its a similar dynamic to Baz and Jeremy on GTA 4's "The Men's Room"), and chicks eat that combo right up, so online should hopefully be no different. Add to that that we can both play guitar to an absolutely fucking wizard level, crack out some sick ass DM vocals, and have a ton of awesome equipment/recording know how, and I think it really could work! Be the death metal dot dot curve!

Also began to write for a new metal blog, Reverse Current, after Headbang died. Yeah, I know metal blogs are like, ubiquitous to the max, and metal fans reviewing metal is pretty boring usually, but at the same time, because of all our industry contacts built up from HB, it means lots of free shit and gigs for me, and even fucking backstage at festivals, so I be doing it! Plus I will never say no to the opportunity to voice my obnoxious opinion. Gonna try and not be as elitist as most metal blogs, and not hate on fucking everything as well, so hopefully that'll make it semi different. Go peep that shit!

Every single metal blog out there, personified

Looking forward to Christmas back home in Lancaster like OMG! Chilling with my uber sarcastic brother and playing PS3 to the max. Maybe my London maltstream girl'l be around and down to hang out. That'd be fucking perfect :D

Wish I had more to say, realized haven't posted here for a while, and so this one was kina forced, and looking back seems to kind of resemble a end of season clip show like the Fresh Prince of Bell Air would often do. Catch ya round.

Set Your Goals covering Lil' Jon

Could this be the most wiggerific song going right now. Me thinks so. Listen to this before you go out and I guarentee you'll be droppin' fools left right and center, and grindin' the finest shorties. As you can see it's from some album called "Punk goes Crunk", also featuring such awesome shizz as Scary Kids Scaring Kids covering Notorious B.I.G, Forever the Sickest Kids covering Men in Black, Lorene Drive playing that sick ass Outkast song, and the Devil Wears Prada song two posts below.

Signs of the rising end: Jakewolf and KikiKannibal

Sick couple of weeks going out too much, not working enough and chilling the fuck out! You know it was a good night when you wake up with a hangover and see a scantily clad scene chick on your computer checking her Facebook and playing The Devil Wears Prada on youtube.

I had no idea TDWP were this generic emo looking, don't think that kina hair's in anymore bro!

Discovered this absolute cuntbag the other day. I remember when I first discovered T Mills (what the fuck is his new haircut btw, I had that when I was seven!), and I thought he seemed like a total douche, yet I still felt a weird kind of affection for him, cos he was so fucking ridiculous and just screamed out "trying too hard!". Anyway, this is Jakewolf, he's like the budget T Mills, with less/crappyer tats, worse production, less of a following, and possibly the worst lyrics in screamo crunk to date. If you have ever noted any screamo crunk lyrics you will realise this is no mean feat, and is tantamount to something like worst fatal car crash, or worst nuclear holocaust. Add the midrange high production and his girly voice makes it really quite an endurance test to listen to.



Oh Yeah, and he has the symbol for the World Health Organisation (or WHO) tattooed on his neck. I've seen some pretty regrettable tats in my time, but this one totally takes the scene biscuit! After a little investigative journalism (posting a question on his youtube comments), a reliable source (a youtube comment poster), informed me that it was because he has Diabetes, and the symbol is on the insulin packets. Now, I understand that we should be thankful for the organisation that, so far, has prevented swine flu, sars, bird flu, and god knows what else ravaging our lands and people (although they are responsible for keeping Jake Wolf alive, which kind of puts them in a morally neutral position), but isn't there a more useful and less future destroying way to show this appreciation? like becoming a doctor, instead of getting a "keut" tat. At least he didn't get one of Wilfred Brimley.

At least Wilford Brimley got some money from being a walking advert for insulin!

On the subject of tattoos/destroying your future, I noticed he has ink on his face, neck and hands, but more or less no where else. All the tattoos are pretty simple and probably didn't cost that much, and likely have other flimsy, hastily thought out reasons of being there. I noticed this recently with scene kids, the current trend seems to be inking up the most visible areas possible, hands, neck, face and whatnot first. I know this little scene dude in Manchester who's just got one hand and his upper chest done, and then there's this guy. It's like its become a race to see who can destroy their future/become unpresentable as quickly as possible for the least money (actually, that kind of sums up all alt culture). If that's true, then Jake Wolf, with his brand of budget screamo crunk and embarrassing cheap tattoos, certainly wins. Hi Five Bro!!!

Obviously though, not everyone views this cunt with the same disdain I do (and seriously, every picture I see, combined with that whiny fucking girl voice, make we wanna deck him something fierce), because he has managed to land himself arguably the most sought after prize in scene world, the hot, yet fucking irritating Kikikannibal.

If you don't know her, she makes shitty fucking jewellery, is a vegetarian, and self centred scene queen. She's also kina hot I guess. For some reason, she also happens to be really famous. I myself, am waiting for her brief spell of beauty to end, and for her to inevitably become just another lonely crazy old cat women, confused and angry about where her status went. I recently tried to watch one of her videos, but just couldn't take it after about 5 seconds, pulled the cat face, and had to go shove forks in my eyes.

The combination of these next level teen scene train wrecks is surely a sign of the coming scene apocalypse. I hope they have kids. Imagine how fucked up they'll make them. The shits gonna hit the fan when T Mills hooks up with Melissa Millionaire(who incidentaly seems much more fun/legit/genuine/probably a better lay than Kiki, also didn't realise that Dani has gauged lobes, which is pretty ace, chick I mentioned at the beginning had them too, turns out they don't smell of cheese).

When crunk kids arn't getting crunk: xbrokenxheartsxjamzx

edit: Fixed the formatting problem, and also added an extra vid on the end, thanks to a recommendation by Sargent D, cheers brah!

As any affectionardo of Screamo Crunk is aware, all songs of the genre fit squarely into 2 categories; Songs about getting crunk, and songs about having a xbrokenxheartx.

As winter makes its presence known in Manchester, and the nights get longer, the rain gets even more frequent, the sky somehow gets even greyer, I begin too see my own breath when I wake up, my level of apathy goes through the roof. Combine this with the pang of missing my regularly mentioned in this blog girl-in-London (formerly girl-with-boyfriend), who I recently visited, and had one of the best weekends of my life with, and the situation in my course being "shit just got real".

This was me and a small Asian friend of mine, about 2 days ago, on our new assignment

Basically, I'm feeling way too drained to listen to anything as kinetic as death metal or hardcore, and I cba going out and getting crunk most of the time either. This has reduced me to creating several playlists of the crappy songs on screamo crunk releases that you normally skip to get to songs like Freaxxx. So anyhow, here is my pick of screamo crunk songs to lie around feeling sorry for yourself to, based on my past couple of weeks.......


1. Hurry! Lets Go - Mayday Mayday

Sorry to whoever's holiday snaps these are, but this was the only version with lyrics I could find :(

Although it's actually chock full of gay little happy melodies, the rather middle of the road entry level xbrokenxheartx lyrics give it a strange new vibe, which lends a weird, "hey....it just is bro", feeling to it. Basically, it kind of glamorises however shit you feel, making you feel like a character in a film, thus lending you some slight hope, and making you feel slightly cooler at the same time.

2. N!tro - Running Away



Much more standard xbrokenxheartx vibe but this time with N!tro's trademark kooky lyrics ranging from quite clever and relatable to completely fucking silly. This one has such gems as "I wana leave on my Jetski, ride to the ocean so nobody can catch me, and throw my phone in the water so nobody can text me" and "you got me lost like a satellite travelling in another galaxy". Has extra value to me now after going home this weekend, "telling my mum about this shit", and her telling me to "find another girl".

3. brokeNCYDE - I don't know



It's pretty tricky to choose just one brokeNCYDE song, as pre-BC13 they have a seemingly endless supply of shamelessly self pitying songs which pretty much take emo to it's logical conclusion. It's quite surprising that they suddenly stopped respecting women and began to write the feel good crunk anthems we know and love them for. I could have easily chosen any of the others, as they're all pretty much the same. You know you're in a bad place when these lyrics no longer make you cringe. Seems to have some kind of autobiographical value for se7en, with the words "the dopest in rap but couldn't never focus on that, was too distracted by the smoke that was choking his past". Obviously even the most bro-like fun time screamo crunk MCs have issues and dark pasts they try to hide from!! Maybe the "get crunk" lifestyle is all just a show, because he's just been hurt too many times and all he really wants is to settle down and snuggle with his own lil scene love <3.>

4. Blood On The Dance Floor - Designed to Kill

It's been a good while before I've been embarrassed about liking anything, I mean, when you hang out with death metal fans and start reppin' brokeNCYDE and dot dot curve, it's gonna raise some eyebrows, but BOTDF have made me squirm in a way I'd forgotten how. Their flamboyant campness, scene hair, donkish beats, and next level tasteless lyrics make for a very bitter lemon indeed. This is pretty standard BOTDF affair, with a pretty chill chorus of the xbrokenxheartsx variety. It probably makes the list on the merit of being the only BOTDF song I'm aware of which has lyrics going beyond "suck my dick girl", into, ya know, feelings, and stuff.

5. dot dot curve :) - Rocket Ship To The Moon



Like all dot dot curve songs, the words are all a wtf!?! invoking meaningless blurrr of "I'm the sex" and "All you haters can SMB!". However, among their usual chaotic whirl of synth mashing, this song gives me quite a dark vibe, which suits the Manchester winter quite well. I've taken to wapping this on my mp3 player whenever I leave the house in my high-tops.

6. Hollywood Undead - The Diary



I expected freshers week this year to be much like the last, a whirl of parties, nights out, and alcohol, with the added bonus of being a second year. Instead, I slept alot, hung around miserably on facebook, and listened to this song, while missing girl-in-London, and all my friends back home.

7. Breathe Carolina - The Rescue



Breathe Carolina seem like the least creepy, most upstanding group here (exept maybe N!tro). All their songs are actually pretty heartfelt and there rarely seem to make immature references to getting head, so that alone makes them stand out. I just love the "Did we enjoy ourselfs, when we destroyed ourselfs". I'm probably gonna put this on a playlist for getting stoned with bros after a night out sometime.

8. The Medic Droid - The Killer Anna



I've been reppin' this song for wayyy longer than the others, and applied the lyrics to many, many girls I've had a thing with, then lost in the past couple of years. In fact I think this was the beginning of my whole screamo crunk thing, back when I still convinced myself that I only was into it "ironically".

So anyway, there ya go, a selection of jamz to keep you cold during the winter months, and provide an alternative to whatever other terrible music you normally listen too. If you're having trouble taking any of this stuff seriously, I would recommend listening while staring out a window when it's raining, and before long the ridiculousness will be lost, and you'll be applying every song non ironically to your own life and wishing you could "bro down", with Spanky from dot dot curve.

CODA:

This vid on youtube by play radio play also seems to pretty accurately convey what it is to have "scene" heartbreak, after Jennifer Jealousy or Becky Bruta1ity steps on your heart. Watched it the first time the other day and nearly fucking cried, no joke! All the cutesy phases childishly scrawled and the black and white photos of scene kids looking angsty or having "moments" together was just too much! The girl lying down staring hopeless at the silent phone was a particularly bitter pill.

Things Metalheads hate Pt 1: Gauged Lobes

I will begin this "series", as such, with "Gauged Lobes", and try to understand the hatred surrounding them.


I think it wouldn't be unfair to suggest that a big factor in the resentment Job For A Cowboy have to face on a daily basis is their bass players lobes...........and ginger hair/beard combo.

It is hard to pinpoint exactly why metal dudes hate this. I have a journalistic gut feeling that there must be something deeper at play here than simply resenting their affiliations with scene kids. Of course, look on many of the "Why deathcore sucks!" articles/youtube videos around the place and you'll find plenty of disparaging comments about them. All I can really think is that the dudes who have gauged lobes tend to be the most fun loving, hella mass chill bros in the deathcore bunch, who are normally completely oblivious to any haters they may have. For this reason, I think the majority of metalheads, making angry blogs/youtube videos, both fear and despise them the most. They won't even get angry and provide anyone with more ammunition.

Hella Cute!

I'm kina thinking of getting some myself at some point, but this scene bro I know had a girlfriend with them, and tells me that they smell of cheese. In a bad way. Plus dunno if can be arsed with the hassle of having fuck off holes in my ears whenever i'm not wearing them. Dunno how that would go down in a job interview after uni, although apparently they heal so long as you don't stretch too fast. Anyway, I'll sign off with everyones favorite scene douche bro with gauged lobes, T Mills, who is quickly becomming synonymous with this blog. Sorry, I just can't ignore him. He's just so rediculous I can't help but love him and his terrible music :)

The Black brokeNCYDE: Screamo Crunk, the Zeitgeist

As I have mentioned him before a few times, although never using his actual moniker of N!tro, i thought it was high time to honor the brother with a full post, kind of.

Expert sagging, those sweet checkered vans, post-shutter shade UV protection, and black.....dyaaam!

He's kind of a bit like 3OH!3, but with better production, and more street cred (through being black). He also just did some kina colab with those cunts from dot dot curve or something, and some ugly scene douche called J Bigga.

Scene wiggers actually seem to know genuine black people now, even if they do just act hella white around them.

J Bigga is also known for this video, recently featured on look at this fucking hipster in which he brings a scene element to crazy youtube conspiracy theorist culture.



So anyway, I fuckin jam out N!tro all the time since rapidsharing his album, I would have probably paid, had it been available anywhere but itunes, but it isn't, and apple can smb. Got some pretty terrible/awesome/relatable lyrics too, in a bullshit scene kid kina way, seems to quite accurately convey romance in a kind of alt teen setting, referencing facebook, myspace top friends, txting and all that other passive aggresive bullshit.

Anyway, heres probably his most popular song, and the one which introduced me to the reality of black people being aware of/being scene kids. We all kind of guessed that there must be at least one out there, maybe you even saw one on a google image search when you were bored, but they never seemed truly real, in the same way komodo dragons arn't really "dragons".



Despite being obviously kind of middle class, having more in common with, say, Kanye West than Mobb Deep, the dude still strikes me as a hella mass chill bro. I wish I had more friends like him, or any black friends at all for that matter, at the moment the best i really have are some maltstream* azns, so the idea of a black scene dude really gets me going.

Also, if you step into the photo section of his myspace, you unlock an incredible new world, where many more non-white scene kids come out of no where, and scene is no longer simply the persuit of pale bulimic suburban white kids.

.....and if that didn't turn things around enough for you, in this crazy world of opposites that N!tro seems to be creating from his bedroom, the white scenes are all red puffy, chubby and rather retarded looking creatures, as we see by this monstrosity.

Feels good that screamo crunk could be becoming some kind of subcultural utopia, with an equal racial cross section. This may simply be due to the fact that all scene kids/scene wiggers are pretty middle class, by which black middle class people are also sort of wiggers too, in that they are just as alien to the inside of a Mobb Deep lyrics sleve as white middle class kids, but feel like they have to live up to that image anyway, therefore, racial devide becomes completely meaningless, as everyone works together to chase that golden grail: being truly "street/black". I myself see N!tro as the scene answer to Martin Luther King.

So anyhow, while N!tro may be both making awesome crunk music, and challenging racial steriotypes, all is not good on the screamo crunk front, as i discovered a few mornings ago, checking out myspace, discovering one of the worst abuses of autotune yet: T Mills.


Now, I love autotune vocals, screamo crunk, Attack Attack!, gauged lobes and plenty of other shit, but this guy just seems to be taking it too far, into uncomfortable territory. He is like the practical joke that stops being funny, and ends in a hospital trip, and just like that, he made me have to stop for a second, and seriously re-evaluate my stance on both silly music and life. I am still not 100% on whether he is actually real, or some kind of creature from our collective ids, like a scene pyramid head, telling us what we could become if we arn't careful. He seems too ridiculous to be true, but both myspace and google search suggest otherwise.

So where to begin; despite the fact that the music is terrible, and has non of the flair of brokeNCYDE, 3OH!3 or my new fantasy bromance N!tro, he looks like some kind of Oli Sykes squared monster, with a terrible case of trying-too-hard-not-to-be-a-spoiled-white-pussy-so-gets-a-shit-load-of-body-mods. I myself, embrace my status as spoiled white pussy, it's who I am, and it means i'm probably going to be spending most my life in relative comfort, so fuck anyone who has a problem with it. Wish I had a massive trust fund too. There is not one element of this dude that isn't taken to a ridiculous extreme, its like he went into the "make your own scene kid" on the sims or something, and put everything on full.

I'm also terrifyed as hell to find out what his age is, because if he's younger than me, I will probably have yet another early onset midlife crisis. It also fucked me up to learn that Taylor Swift is younger than me too. As well as that now I can watch porn with chicks that are younger than me, something that has fucked me up for a while. I'm only 20 yet I already feel old and washed up, and full of regret. Needless to say, I kind of envy the guy, having such an easy marketing ploy. I think tryna make it in a death metal band has probably been the wrong option, shitty autotune music is obviously the way to go. It's way easier, a fucking robot practically sings it for you, and scene chicks fucking love the shit out of it. Fuck you T Mills, fuck you. I just hope you're fucking wrinkled, broke and pathetic by the time you're 40 (the ink should hopefully keep you out of most jobs), while I will be wrinkled, rich and pathetic, reeling in the wake of my second marriage, wondering what the fucking point of living on is. Actually, fuck, you'll probably somehow still be happier than me.

Anyway, here's some more N!tro, as mimed by some scene cutie, who's probably young enough to find me creepy. Actually, she kind of looks like this 17 year old chick the singer of my band was banging for a while, despite him being 25 (props bro!).



*MALTSTREAM - a term coined by Hipster Run Off, meaning, mainly mainstream, but with some alternative tenancies, I.E could like some alt music, wear slightly alt clothing, or whatever. Will probably do some kind of post about them laters, as I'm pretty sure Maltstream chicks are the best in every way.

Fights are Cool

As most people are now aware, and has been reported on various blogs over the past week or so, the respective singers from both Emmure and The Acacia Strain recently had a fight backstage at an Emmure gig somewhere in America, resulting in *citation needed* busted noses. Apparently the bands have been at feud since The Acacia Strain accused Emmure of ripping them off or something (which, lets be fair, they kina did a bit, not that I don't like them), then Emmure made "R2 Deepthroat", directed at The Acacia Strain's singer, "Vincent Bennett".



The fallout from this seemingly minor event has led to countless "Emmure vs The Acacia Strain" polls/forum posts, and many more people saying that both suck, violence is bad, yada yada.

"Whatever the case… is it weird that I think this kinda sucks? For me, at least, metal (and hardcore, if you consider TAS or Emmure hardcore) has always provided an outlet for violent and, um, let’s say “socially inappropriate” emotions, so that I won’t get into any actual fights. I’m happy to enjoy the entertainment of two dudes talking some smack on one another, but I’d actually prefer that it remain all talk.

We’ll give you more on the story if we get it. In the meantime, let’s hope this doesn’t end up with any East Coast/West Coast drive-by shenanigans."

- Metal Sucks

"You must not have grown up in the hardcore scene. I was surprised it was just knuckles not a gun."

- Sargent D, taking everyone back to school

"My money’s on the white guy."

"who cares which ones better, as long as you can go to one of their shows and kick the shit out of people, i'm happy."

I Personally agree with the last quote. I also, despite being a fan of both bands, fully support the existence of the fight, and am glad that they have done this to support their tough guy hxc image. Much as I was syked about Will Rahmer from Mortician stabbing a cabbie in Poland, and the video of the guy from Himsa going apeshit on some dude, I love it when metal bands support their image of being badasses, as oppose to just being the nerdy guys the usually are. Just about all other genres ever seem to be more dramatic/eventful/violent than metal, which is quite dissapointing seeing as how metal's meant to be evil or some shit. Reggae festivals are meant to be dark violent places, full of stabbings and theft, wheras metal fests: middle class white kids as far as the eye can see complaining about sun burn.

Sporadic acts of violence like this up the baddass factor for the whole scene, and strangely seem to encourage respect from the wider world as well, as it shows we can "talk the talk". You look better for talking shit and fucking niggas up than just taking shit and being a spoiled white pussy like a wigger with a trust fund.

It could be that we are about to enter into an age where hardcore begins to resemble the early ninties rap scene, with drive-bys and whatnot. The hats are already being worn, and wigger culture is getting deeper and deeper into metal. Looking forward to a shoot out between Carnifex and Suicide Silence, and death metal bands being arrested for drug trafficing, albeit less embarressing than Brain Drill.

Also, the whole black metal thing dosn't count, as it wasn't sporadic violence, which is how true baddasses role, it was just gay metal theatrics taken way too far. No one thought it was cool and hardcore when a dead body was found in Michael Barrymore's pool with "Extreme Sexual Injuries", and black metal is the same. Simply gayness taken too far, in an attempt to prove itself.

Back in Manchester and it's fresher's week, which should mean going out and getting crunk, but had instead meant lying in bed listening to "The Diary" by Hollywood Undead and The Black Brokencyde, missing my girl-who-had-boyfriend-but-now-is-single-and-a-fresher-in-London-and-probably-getting-fucked-by-a-different-guy-every-night. I did half arsedly try to chat someone up at a party the other night, but ended up cba'ing, and then i think some other girl slapped me for some reason. Can't fully remember why. 5 more nights/chances then to live the 2nd/3rd/4th year dream of taking advantage of a "naive innocent" fresher...