FUCKYEAHGERMANY!!!!

The yearly WTF?!?! That is Karnival

So a (pretty rich) friend recently paid for me to go to Germany last week for "Karnival", in Cologne, a sick ass German street fest I went to last year. Pretty much twice every year I tend to at some point find myself in Germany, and whenever I'm there it's sheer awesomeness still gets me. Ever since I was 14 it's been like my favorite place ever, I've dated 3 girls there, and I have a ton of friends all over the place too, from Rendsburg to Munich. Here is why Germany rules more that your shitty country, and a few weird/amuzing experiences I've had there:

Da Germanz, Dey Luv Me:
Ok, so this one most likely dosn't apply to you, but I thought I'd include it anyway. Germans fucking love me! Seriously, I have no idea why, I probably pull off some kind of mix of cute foreigner + alt cred + natural cool bonus from being English that applys all over the world. Either way, I do just get on with Germans way better than most non-Germans, even through the (ever diminishing) language barrier. Actually, some Germans fucking hate me, and think I am an annoying asshole, but most I just gel with really well. Kina like marmite with a higher success rate.

Bros:
Some of the guys with the most bro points i've ever met come from Germany. If you follow me on twitter you may have noticed the event where at aformentioned Karnival one of my best German bros was arrested for some kind of vandelism/drunk and disorderly German hybrid equivalent. He did this while fancy dressing as an escaped convict. I can just imagine how hilarious he must have looked in the holding cell.

Props bro, but soon you'll be in a cell and won't get to hit that

Another bro worth mensioning was this dude fro a foreign exchange back in high school, who was probably the best argument for Nazi Germany i've ever met. Taller than six foot, blue eyes, blond hair, with the muscle formation of a black man, pretty much straight from a Hitler youth propagada poster. During the course of the exchange, he dominated the assault course, broke up a fight at a party, carried about 2 thirds of all the components needed when we had to build a raft (out of a team of 6), and on the last night broke his previous stone cold a-sexual vibe by getting with the hottest girl around, this Polish chick who everone else had been breaking their backs trying to get her attention, after she had been comming on to him the whole night. When he left, my brother refered to him as "The only person I've ever loved" (no homo). And my brother hates everyone.

Bromances that will last a lifetime (no homo)

Girlz:
German girls are the fuckin' shit! From their stone cold veneer hiding a playful center that just wants to get out, their subdued Randy vibes carefully obscuered beneath well kept side swept hair, the dissaproving looks they give you when you do anything silly.

Also remember this girl from a year or so ago when me and one of my firends were chilling in a bar there, we'd just got off the plane so were kina knackered, and although everyone else was dancing we were content to just lean on the bar and drink and "play it cool". Then out of the blue this textbook German chick comes out of no where wanting to dance and says, "Hallo? Es ist Partyzeit!!". This ones for you, semi drunk German party girl!

Also, there was this fucking crazy dude there we met through a friend who told us about all the money he had made selling knifes and drugs to school children, yet was also politically aware as hell, and expressed his thoughts on how the German judicial system was too easy on repeat offenders. I'm not sure if he was aware of the irony of this, or whether it was the beginnings of some kind of lengthy diatribe on how he "is a product of the system", but anyway, shows you how even the criminals in Germany are of a higher class than in other places.

Man Chorus:
The horror. More or less every national pride type song involves the sound of burly men singing together.

There is no escaping this song...or Hohner's mustashe

Mums/MILFS:
For some reason, German mums are the most down to party demograph over there. They love to dance, get tipsy, and giggle at stuff. On one foreign exchange trip I actually got on better with my host's mum than her, and spend one awesome evening just chilling out with her, drinking their expensive wine, and waxing philosophical about life, getting gradually more and more drunk.

Also brings back horrific memories from some street party in Kiel, watching a large crowd of middle aged German women dancing together, being DJ'd to by some handle bar mustached middle aged dude who kept saying "I vant to fack!".

Large Men:
Germans are in General, large people. I don't mean this in the morbidly obese sense of the word, as their general lifestyle and eating habits are way healthyer than the UK/US. They are just kina scaled up. Like the time me and a friend realised we were the shortest people in a club (including the females), or the time I was in a bathroom and had to tip toe to get my cock in the urinal. There are still shorties about, but just a hell of a load of Aryan giants too. I don't know why this is a good thing, but it is funny in a strange kind of way.

Two giant gruff men once called me and my friend gay (in a jovial fasion) once after we left a large heart shaped chocolate at their table. It was hilarious and intimidating at the same time. It didn't help that the chocolate said "Ich Liebe Dich" (I love you).

Beer:
German beer fucking rocks. End of. If you disagree you are wrong and/or American, and thus weaned on piss weak shit you can't even legally get fucked up on untill you're 21.

wtf?!?!?

Scene Kids:
Not only is Germany home to a large selection of scene cuties!



But also this odd lesbo, back from my very first ever post!



So there, Germany, with its eccentric quirkyness and odd traditions, rulez d00d! If you have any other pro experiences there, let me know! I'm sure that regular German commenter in these parts, Grobiwonder, will refute my claims of Germany's sheer brilliance, via the "the place I come from fucking sucks" mentality, but he is wrong. Germany > UK <3!!!

Some doozies from my youtube

Exams still be a bitch, and I'm in a total state of cba right now, but whevs.

Displacement activity of the moment was getting a twitter account, which has proved to be surprisingly addictive, seeing as it's pretty much just facebook with nothing but a status. Anyway, it's already proved to be worth it's weight in gold, allowing me to see pictures of Hatebreed's Jamey Jasta at the dentist. ("Hey, dentist, can you just stop what you're doing and photo me, it's for my twitter! Oh, did you know I'm the singer of Hatebreed!?"). Actually, the whole idea of people like Jasta doing normal things like the dentist strikes me as rather bizarre. I guess that's part of the whole "celebrity" thang that makes me interested in watching him at the dentist, if for the general surreality if nothing else. I'd love to see all my favorite members of hardcore bands at the dentist, because that's the kind of thing twitter is all about! Actually, everyone except S.O.D's Dan Lilker. Those strange tiny baby teeth freak me out.


Anyway, I'm on motherfucking twitter!, so follow the shit out of me, so I can tell my friends that I'm "Big In America".

Sleep pattern mega fucked too, after staying up till five last night shooting the shit with yeahyouknowit, keut NYC sceneybopper, contributor to SYWH, and all round general blog BFF! You should follow her on twitter too, cos shes hyperchill (and kina creepy in an awesome way ;) ) - N.B. fuck, how are you meant to close brackets after an emoticon?!

Anyways, this general getting deeper into the murky world of the internet led me to return to my youtube and bring it up to speed with my 2k10 personal brand, and in doing so relive a few pro awesome memories that I'd kina like to share with you.

Firstly, here is my German teacher's dog playing "In The Arm's of Perdition" by Despised Icon in my kitchen. This is why you should never let any alt kid look after your pet, for he WILL make it cover deathcore drums.



Poor old Charlie spends the majority of the time trying not to fall asleep, and captures perfectly that common dog expression of "I'm not sure what's going on here, but here I am..."

"What is this I don't even...!"

Anyways, it's kina long, but check out, if anything, the "GO!" at the beginning, and the sheer confusion on Charlie's face during the end breakdown. I wish it weren't so, but this is actually not the first time scene kids have made helpless animals suffer our terrible music.

Another pretty sick vid was this compilation I made of all the best moments from pornstar Evan Stone's depiction of "Captain Edward Reynolds", from the film "Pirates XXX" (Incidentally, the most expensive porn flick ever made, until the sequel, Pirates II: Stagnetti's revenge). The film is pretty much a total lolfest throughout, thanks mainly to Evan Stone's fantastic overacting, next to the stony faced, glazed over delivery of everyone else. It's unintentionally become a great bro-film that you watch with bros together, and Evan stone is a complete hero/legend to quite a few of my friends now. I think his biggest talent is the ability to put a "y", in almost any word, making it sound fever pitch smug. i.e "Cyock", "Cyanons", "Pyyyirates".

"Evil dosen't stand a chance against these twin hellfire cyyyyanons!"

And finally to top it of, one of my drunk metalhead friends dancing to brokeNCYDE at Wacken. I love it when people get it, and this guy totally got it :) <33333



...by the way, yes, that is me singing along...

Donk: The Essence of the North West

Recently, in keeping with my North Western heritage, I have begun getting into the music of donk. Although i am not a chav, and my parents are pretty stable, so its not exactly a familiar scene.

If you are not from the north-west of England, I emplore you to now watch this video on the background of donk/chav culture, and get a feel of what the North West is like.



Particular highlights include:

"This is Spanish", Like Waynes World but with chavs.

"Do you want sittin on your fuckin arse?" I've seen this situation waayyy too many times, especially with the good Samaritan guy stepping in at the end "He's not worth it, not now mate, i'm not in the mood, don't touch me"

The "nice but dim bouncer", "If you do not let go of me, I will pop your eye out"

(the word was "co-operative" btw)


This skank. Although you may have seen a couple of maybe kind of attractive girls in the video, i guarentee most will end up looking like this. I recently witnessed an abomination like this hit on one of my friends in a pub, it was a very uncomfortable quarter of an hour.

There are far too many quality moments here containing the essence of the north west, so I find it hard to pinpoint any really, I just think you should watch the whole thing, and soak up the cultural wasteland of the North.

As you can probably guess, I have way more in common with the presenter here than anyone else featured, and find it funny to see him with all these working class northern types. There were probably a good few situations not shown where he got severely bullied and maybe even almost fought by his subjects, that weren't shown, and I have to give the guy mad props for going down Wigan pier, which is like Mordor for middle class kids like me and him. Although he was kind of undercover, in his new get up.

If you come from the north west of England, this video should make you squeal with recognition, as it definitely did me. Otherwise you will just find the strange sketchy working class English guys funny, but not really get it. I now feel like I have a one up on guys from New York or Tampa, even if it is just silly chav music.

On the note of Blackout Crew, I seriously love this group, even if they do look like the kind of people who would mug you/beat you up for having longish hair.
This is my personal fav, even if "put a donk on it" is their most famous track.



On a final note, this girls birthday party in the documentary shows just how classless northern girls are. Even though some may be attractive, the second they open their mouths it's all gone. This is probably why I developed a fascination with German girls, and I would get depressed whenever I came back from there, normally encountering someone like this girl at the airport. Now skip to 6:20, and feel my pain. It is a pain I still feel, and commonly run into at student house parties. Imagine trying to have a romantic moment with someone with that voice. At some point I will try and follow this up by documenting some hideous English girl voices, and post away. Until then, try and hold your puke back as she talks. Extreme example I know, but gives you a taste.

Festival season is OVVVEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!: Part One, Wacken

And by season, I mean the two festivals i went to, Wacken and Bloodstock, as I didn't have the money or lack of apathy to get my shit in gear and go to Tuska, Download (still gutted about missing Limp Bizkit), Metal Camp, or Hellfest.

If you want to know about the music or any of the boring stuff like that which also happens at metal festivals, look at Headbang, the Bloodstock review will be up shortly, and have lots of nice juicy pictures, as we got a photo pit pass :). This post however, is about the fun shit that comes from getting crunk, the main reason people come to festivals.



It was a good 2 days drive from the Northwest of England to Germany for Wacken, in Jim's fabled "Thrash Metal Bandwagon", a turquoise van that he used to use for his old band "Dead To Sin" and still has their logo and "Real Thrash Metal" written down the side in faded writing. Everyone knew the 6 of us meant business as we drove into the campsite in a beaten up Volkswagen van with this written on the side, all the wimps and posers kept their distance, even Manowar fans looked timid in the presence of the "Real Thrash Metal" Volkswagen van. However, the German security people were apparently neither wimps nor posers, as we were told several times that we had parked in the wrong place and would have to move.

Our infamous mechanic Harry "The mighty" Quinn, looks under the impressive hood of the Thrash Metal Bandwagon in a "Machine Fuckin' Head" T Shirt. You think that's coolant? Its the ubiquitous toxic waste that thrash metal bands always base their artwork on, and acts as fuel for the van.

All was however good, as soon we were set up and making friends, and by pure coincidence a friend from Manchester university arrived and set up next to us with her crew.

So pretty much the whole time there we were drinking beer non stop, hanging out and doing dumb shit, watching awesome bands, I went hardcore dancing, my new era cap managed to stay on all through Machine Head's very violent set much to my glee and surprise (although Jim did drop it in some floored ravioli, so it felt like an empty victory), and I figured out how to play my mp3 player in the van after my mix CDs failed to work in its shitty old CD player, so I still got to listen to brokeNCYDE as well as all the awesome metal I got that week!!!

I would now like to take a paragraph and apologize to the decade beginning 1980, The cities New York and L.A, Kerry King, James Hetfield, That fat singer of Testament, Gary Holt and anyone who has ever worn a denim jacket with patches; I am sorry for playing brokeNCYDE out of a van that says on the side "Real Thrash Metal". I have soiled your ancient (3 decades) tradition with this modern abortion, i have raped your beliefs and values. The only way this could have been any worse is if it had the Warriors of the World cover on the side. Sorry, i really am..........

Appology aside, the combination of brokeNCYDE and the Thrash Metal Bandwagon led to the discovery of possibly the best pickup line ever; "Do you want to listen to brokeNCYDE with me in my friend's van". I had just left a group of people and was in a happily tipsy state, and was about to go to bed when I noticed another group of friends. My unusual attire of vulgar brightly coloured hoodie and shuttershades allowed me to instantly steal centre of attention, and found myself chatting to a cute, although slightly chubby German girl. I dropped the brokeNCYDE/thrash metal bombshell, and within minutes she was polishing my quiver bone in the back of the van, if you catch my drift, all the while with the brokeNCYDE album playing on the speakers. The whole length of the hummer I couldn't help but think of how proud Se7en and Mikl would have been, if only i had this to say to them when I interviewed them. I was literally living the BC13 dream, in fact most of their lyrics spewing from the speakers I could directly relate to in the moment, and there was nothing gay about the fact that while I was getting head in Jim's van all I could think about was a group of effeminate guys with blonde highlights from New Mexico. Midway through someone shouted "Jim, ******'s doing some bird in your van!", to which the reply from Jim's tent was "he better bloody not be!"

The next day I got with another German girl with a mega rack, although unfortunately this time brokeNCYDE played no part in it :/, simply being the only guy in a square mile NOT to worship the fucking ground she walked on. Metal festivals are so full of socially retarded guys and stuck up girls who take advantage of this and get armies of minions following them everywhere, so keeping a fucking level head and just having fun works like no mans buisness.

We also made a sport of jumping off the van using an inflatable couch to catch us, ultimately resulting in it bursting, and a video of one of our number doing it naked. To put this into perspective, this is standing on top of a van in a field full of people, and taking your clothes off...there isn't many more attention gathering ways of getting naked than this, short of actually broadcasting it on TV, or doing internet porn. Weirdest was the fact that he did this with minimal sugestion, and after a moments reflection decided he would "Keep ma socks on".

Me gracefully completing a complex "face-dive" maneuver from the top of the Thrash Metal Bandwagon

Another fun event was when two German girls came around with a beer bong, and more or less raped Harry the Mechanic into swallowing beer rapidly through a tube, resulting in this video, which is probably the closest thing society will come to non nude worksafe hardcore German pornography



As you can probably tell, and I gauged from the situation, the one holding the beer bong was an extreme cock tease, while the one who gulps up the beer seemed like something of a bicycle. Here is an image of the event, and probably the most sexually charged photo on blogspot.

This image is more arousing than over half of the contents of tube8. That's me filming it on my camera by the way.

It wasn't all fun and boobs though, oh no. At one point Harry the mechanic in one of his more violent moods threw several glass bottles at various people including a member of security, resulting in a team of them (well, 2 of them) storming our camp in a quad bike, intimidating the hell out of us with their German accents, (think every second world war film ever) and demanding to see our passports. One of them almost hit me when i shouted at them to " Dude, Chill the fuck out!", which looking back was a stupid thing to do. After the initial storming they got much more friendly, and advised us that if we wanted to start shit, do it in another camp site so they couldn't trace us here. Good advice, but odd coming from a member of security.

I also met this awesome guy called Oli while pissing next to him in a bush, and ended up hanging out with him loads, listening to him talk about how much he wanted to fuck his super hot scene girlfriend back in Baden-Baden. He was a class guy, here is me holding him like the child I never had, and him appreciating the warmth and fartherlyness I offered, while drinking cheap gross German beer like a dummy/pacifyer.

I felt Billy Mays had the kind of fatherly image I should go for, as I cradle my pet scene kid.

Oli, if you read this, me and the guys wana stay in touch! Leme know if you see this and we can hang out again next Wacken!

At the end of the festival I saw this couple of metal heads having the most long goodbye ever next to the remains of our camp.

This was the best one I could get before they noticed me and I started to creep myself out

It was pretty cute to see this presumably fresh romance blossoming amidst the chaos of the last morning, I hope they're still in touch. We kind of ruined the mood slightly, just out of shot is Harry trying to jump start the Van and swearing loudly in a way that only Northern British people can. They paused their mutual affection to behold the curious and most likely alien spectacle of working class Britain jump starting a van that says "Real Thrash Metal" on the side (god, that never gets old). As they finally said goodbye she walked off and he stayed for ages, watching her go, leaning on the barrier of the light behind them. I neglected to tell him that we had been urinating on it since day one, it was obviously one of those moments you don't break for no amount of urine. Had he known, I doubt all the urine in Manchester would have stopped him from having his cool, nonchalantly-leaning-while-watching-your-girl-walk-away moment, popularized by so many romantic comedies, or Romcoms. Hygiene just isn't a priority at times like that. Seeing that made me feel so empty after my week of meaningless decadence, and i began to wish for whatever that guy...leaning on our makeshift urinal...felt right then, looking cool as she walks away, occasionally glancing back and giggleing at him. I began to miss my sort of bootycall back home, even though she has a boyfriend, and whatever twisted interpretation of romance we were scraping together. We will probably never get a moment as intense as the one I witnessed here, but maybe I could try at something,at least enough to make her miss me for a while when we go our separate ways to uni, provided her boyfriend dosn't have me lynched. At least I won't be unknowingly leaning in piss.

All in all, an awesome festival and a cracking week, even with sight fall outs, and Harry the notorious mechanic almost sexually assaulting a drunk girl and getting in a fight with her boyfriend. On the way out, the Thrash Metal Bandwagon broke down on the autobahn, resulting in us having to get out and push the fucker off the road onto the hard shoulder amidst all the traffic, who weren't exactly co-operative. All this with Sabaton still playing, taunting us with gay power metal songs about victory. Apparently the god of Thrash just weren't enough to keep the thing going, or maybe it was just getting us back for defiling it with brokeNCYDE, who knows, only Harry the Mechanic. Anyhow, a short walk for Jim to the nearest petrol station to pick up some diesel, looking like a tit in a luminous yellow coat, and we were on our merry way again.

The sign said diesel, as we waited for Jim to return, unsure we would ever see him again. It definitely felt a lot like the beginning of a new generation horror film, van of metalheads and scene kids braking down in the north of Germany after a festival, to be hacked up one by one.

After that we had an awesome barbeque at one of our number's German girlfriend's house in Hamburg, where the parents absolutely loved me, and I practiced all my German speaking skillz. My charm was so much that we got on great even though I was wearing my infamous "devourment" t-shirt.

We take over a humble suburban German household. On the back it says "She should have said yes". Plus now you know what Billy Mays looks like in a New Era cap and Devourment t-shirt.

It was a relaxing end to the week, and we got to shower each. I thought about trying it on with my friend's girlfriend's cute sister, but in the end was just too tired to bother, maybe next year.

Account of Bloodstock to follow!!!

Why the world hates us

After having irked off work for headbang this month because of exams, i did however write this short editorial. Even though it's still not as good/creative/original/funny as I hoped due to time and talent constraints, i still wapped it up, and may as well post it here. That's what blogs are meant to be for right?

Quite often, I find I have to put up with the incessant ballaching of some of my peers about how, “metal isn’t respected enough”, and how it is “dismissed as a lower art form”. In fact, as good idea of what I mean, just read the blurb to “Metal: A Headbangers Journey”, which I’m sure sits in a prominent place in all of your DVD collections, the special edition of course, next to those ubiquitous Family Guy boxsets. My first response, as always will be to show them this video. This hits twice as hard if they’re a Manowar fan, who are normally the types of douches to be asking this question in the first place.









Now, tell me, did your respect for the whole subculture just plummet massively? Cos if it didn’t, then you are this guy. Metal is, and always has been, extremely childish, ridiculous, and kina retarded, and your silly persecution syndrome does nothing to help. Although there doesn’t really seem to be any other form of popular music as technical, complicated and darn brutal, metal seems to have a kind of lack of self awareness that makes it so ripe to make fun of. This is how it’s gonna remain, until everyone stops taking everything so seriously, lightens the fuck up, and gets a whole lot more open minded, as well as stops listening to black metal.

No one finds you scary, they are just laughing at you, there is nothing less evil than guys wearing makeup. And learn how to EQ a damn guitar.

It also doesn’t help in the PR department, when you act like a complete dick to anyone with a taste in music that “isn’t metal”, especially in the kind of “you wouldn’t understand” method, favoured by Meshuggah fans the world over. When I was younger, I would tell people, more or less, that my music taste was superior to theirs, with a thinly veiled prose. Looking back, i was probably right some of the time, but I still shouldn’t have been such a little git about it, and neither should you. I still see people doing this all the time, and it does nothing but make the rest of the world respect us less.

Another positive step would be to embrace scene culture! Seriously, thanks to this new wave of people playing music which is (lets not split hairs) very similar to traditional death metal, there is now an influx of attractive girls into the metal community. You can now go to a metal show and instead of the usual one or two incredibly slutty metal chicks you normally see surrounded by ugly dudes, there’s now dozens of attractive chicks hanging out! We should welcome in this stream of attractive people with looked after hair, as they distance the image of metal from the socially awkward ugly geek dudes in trench coats. Instead we have to make a big deal about how much we hate scene kids, reject any metal band if a member has a “fringe”, and get confused over which bands we’re allowed to like or not, based of how big the “scene” following is. In fact, after a friend of mine was introduced to The Faceless, one of his first reactions was to say, “Am I allowed to like them”. The Faceless to this day remains one of those borderline bands, where metalheads get confused which side of the line they’re on. Consequently, for this irrational bigotry, the rest of the world hates us even more.

If you disagree with this, you are all kinds of gay

Finally, no matter what Turisas say, listening to metal doesn’t make you a Viking, Barbarian, or warrior of any sort. It was kina a cool theme at first, but now it’s a tad ridiculous frankly, and the rest of the world just laughs harder.

Not a warrior (also unsure weather a dude or a chick too)

So now go, listen to more than just metal, don’t just hang out with metalheads, and fuck scene chicks.

D:

Look at the cat, look at the poor little bugger. The past few days/weeks I've found nothing that better sums up my current damn situation.

For one, I'm not gonna be seeing Killswitch Engage at all this summer. This may seem trivial, but its become something of a sentimental tradition. Also there is no way I'm gonna be able to afford to go to Helsinki for Tuska festival this year, despite having accreditation, no Tuska festival....fuck! I know the line up sucks this year, despite the Faceless and the Black Dahlia Murder, but its just as much about chilling out in Helsinki, with Samuli, my skinny blonde Finnish sickfuck with the unbelievably hot girlfriend, listening to how proud he is of the recent spree of school shootings there, or just fucking shit up with all my awesome Finnish friends.

yeah...everything they say about Scandinavia and black metal is true...it's not a show

Also, i made friends with this hot Finnish chick with fucking HUUUge boobs last time i was there, so missing out on the chance to feel those has also got me kina strung. In fact, all I have to look forward to when these exams are over is tryna get a shit menial job, to pay off huge debts. Fuck...that ain't no motivation. On top of that, I have zero money, so the last couple of weeks of exams will be rather uncomfortable (no more relentless energy drinks), and i wont even be able to get drunk and stoned when it's over. Middle class student life doesn't get much more grim than this. All I really want to do this summer is go home, chill with my brother and some dudes back home over Unreal Tournament and some beer, and occasionally hit a club, but i'll probably have to stay alone in Manchester. But hey, this shit has to be done right? I guess I'm just annoyed that this is my first summer working, not traveling, in a while. And on top of that shit, my finals, which I've probably scraped though at best, thanks probably to the lack of motivation of a shit summer, that will most likely be spent doing door to door charity work, until I find something less humiliating.

I realize how self pitying this shit is, but fuck it, sometimes people need ill placed self pity, and the internet seems like the best deposit.

Summer is most likely gonna suck, and with the Exams probably going to be a huge foxtrot, i can't see the optimism.

So, to cheer myself up, whats been cool recently?

Well....

1. New Devourment album
.....fucking sweet as shit, check one of the songs on the player, I swear some of the slams in that thing made my dick move. Glad they can still sock it!

There is hope, in a post-swine flu world

Also, having found this picture of Mike Majewski has further strengthened my position that deep pigsqueals and being pitlessly Misogynistic will get you laid like no ones buisness!

Levels of awesome most wigger slam affectionados can only dream of

2. New video from brokeNCYDE

"Shake it like some chocolate milk" - need i say more

Despite having run out of money now, and most likely I will be having a very rationed existence soon enough, I still don't regret pre ordering their album. Although when i wanted to actually buy some chocolate milk, the lack of money was a harsh, yet ironic wake up call. (wouldn't want to buy the chocolate milk without them, but because of them, can't afford it :( )

i mean fuck...."baby girl i've seen your photos on myspace", that's genious. Warped and vulgar, but pretty damn relateable.

3. Wacken

At least ill be able to afford Wacken by then, and despite having pretty much zero bands i want to see, I don't give a shit, I'm gonna chill in the camping lots, get drunk, and have fun. Plus I can't wait to blast out brokeNCYDE to a campsite full of die hard hungover German Metal Elitists. Also a further hot chick with nice rack may be there, this time German, similar situation to the one above. This fest is pretty much the only thing I'm looking forward to right now. May even have enough to go to Finland afterwards, scoring twice the boobage.

I can only pray it'll be as awesome as last year - also, this is neither of the mentioned chicks, just another girl from Wacken last year...plus this photo doesn't do her justice

Well, I feel slightly better now...It maybe almost 6 in the fucking morning and i have an exam at 2....but fuck it, A summer of shit jobs might be tolerable in a world of Devourment, brokeNCYDE, and chesty European chicks.

Failing my first year

So, I'm starting some shit blog to stir into the already extremely convoluted with self obsessed rantings tubes of the internet, because i'm meant to be studying for a Thermodynamics exam on Thursday for my first year Chemical Engineering finals, and this seems like as good a displacement activity as any. Writing for some little metal webzine gave me a taste for this kind of thing, exept now i can just write about whatever the fuck i want, and not worry about going off topic, being too opinionated, or offending people (I had to tone down a review I did of the latest Deathstars album, because it garnered a few complaints and was insulting the goth demograph, one of headbang's staples). So yeah, this thing has absolutely no purpose, and is about nothing imparticular, although it will probably center around metal, annoying students, horror films, random youtube shit, and whatever i find cool.

I don't even know if i'll even be bothered to continue this fucker for that long, but whatever...I talk to myself anyway, so why not do the online equivalent and start an anomamous blog.

Anyway, to wrap up this monumental first post, here is a completely unrelated video combining 3 of my favorite things, Scene chicks, Screamo Crunk and Germany. Simultaneously painful to watch and arousing, we will forever be asking ourselfs: why would someone do this...then put it online for the world to see? Sweet hat though...



Yeah, i know the girl's ugly, but its the kind of ugly where you still for some reason want to rail the shit out of her. I have no idea what the hell she says in German at the end, despite the fact that I'm meant to be learning it, but that's the bit where I really want to violate her the most. Odd considering this is where her voice plummets an octave. She's most likely a complete bicycle anyway, so I can safely say I think I'd have a fighting chance. Maybe later I'll post a translation...