Jodie Marshe's anal demon tail tattoo....

This is why i prefer to date European chicks....

Thy Art Is Murder, and Mysogyny in death metal/deathcore

It's not often i like to plug bands I dig. For one, that's what pretty much everyone on the internet/world seems to be doing, whereas I prefer to do what the remainder of people do, which is sit back and make snarky discouraging comments and attempt to spot the latest emerging trends. I also rarely mention metal on this blog that much either, instead seeming to cover screamo crunk through the irony lens, much like a 17 year old dabbling in homosexuality. So yeah, I admit that simply plugging music you like is boring, nerdy, and stupid.

I haven't actually ever clicked play on this video, I just saw the thumbnail and already was thinking "shut the fuck up you chubby little fuck"!

However, I fucking love Thy Art Is Murder so much I wana bum them all. They play some mad sick technical deathcore, with the sickest breakdowns, some mad shredding, hella tight blastbeats, double bass drums out their anus, FUCKING SLAM RIFFS, pig squeals, pro high and low vocals, and pretty much everything I like about metal and makes me squirm with glee. If I could be in any band right now it would be them (actually, fuck that, it would be Blink 182 so I could actually make some money).



I even ordered their EP, which never arrived, fucking Aussies.

Also found this vid of their best song, "Infinite Death", with the lyrics, holy fuck!

I fuck your daughters
Hack them up
Kill them one by one
The taste of pure slut is all that keeps me here
Lock up your doors
Lock up the sluts
Lock up their cunts

Everything I want I fucking own
My life revolves around fucking possession
Everything that I own I just posses to dismember
They love to watch themselves hacked apart

All their limbs will be removed

Enter the mind of a psychopath
Where girls remain possessions

Do you love what I have done?
Raping just for the fun

Have I lost my mind?
For becoming who I am
Its all your fucking fault
Dumb bitches fuck they don’t understand
This world does not revolve around them

All your limbs will be removed with tedious precision
What’s left is fucking useless but still breathing

Each breath feeds them as they chew flesh

My conscience escapes me when I feel the warm insides of sluts

All your limbs will be removed

I live two separate lives
I’m hiding in disguise
Seek and you’ll fucking find
I live two separate lives
Hidden from their fucking eyes

I hunt in secret
I hunt in silence

I stalk my prey in secret
Watch them waste away

Yeah, I know it's pretty tame for most, Devourment would fucking school these guys on hating chicks, but there's something very innocent and childlike about the hatred that I find quite endearing and can relate to. I can even imagine writing them myself in a low moment, although I'd probably come back the next day and go "fuck! what was I thinking?!" like i normally do. The:

"Have I lost my mind?
For becoming who I am
Its all your fucking fault
Dumb bitches fuck they don’t understand
This world does not revolve around them"

sounds particularly adolescent heartbreak, I can almost Imagine one of them sobbing it into his pillow, while angrily scrawling it onto an A4 notepad. The fact that this probably happened in an Australian accent also makes me lol.

Hating on chicks is pretty entry level, although it's easy to see why it goes hand in hand with metal. There's no need to elaborate on that at all it's so fucking obvious. It's pretty much the metal way to be emo. And while it's easy to mock something like this when all's cool, most of us will often want to turn to this stuff when we get fucked over by some chick.

From about 14-18, like most dudes, i was severely and repeatedly played, probably worst than most, the worst case i can recall right now when a girl i'd already got with invited me to come stay with her in Finland, before ditching me more or less as soon as I was off the plane to go hangout with some other friends, more or less abandoning me there. Luckily I had other friends in the city, so managed to scrape together an ok holiday out of it, but fuck! It's easy to see why I gravitated towards death metal. I remember repeatedly watching this Carnifex video when I got home.



So yeah, as I get older and the balance of social power has shifted, I find myself playing chicks more than vice versa, and have in general grown the fuck up, i guess the whole thing has shifted more into perspective. There's nothing wrong with this kina stuff, It's just extreme heartbreak music, or alternatively good old violence for violence sake, with pornography thrown in for good measure. Apart from on the train today when I was listening to Thy Art Is Murder's "Whore to a Chainsaw" and staring some poor girl down feeling like the most evil twisted mother fucker around. That was just me being hella creepy.

Festival season is OVVVEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!: Part One, Wacken

And by season, I mean the two festivals i went to, Wacken and Bloodstock, as I didn't have the money or lack of apathy to get my shit in gear and go to Tuska, Download (still gutted about missing Limp Bizkit), Metal Camp, or Hellfest.

If you want to know about the music or any of the boring stuff like that which also happens at metal festivals, look at Headbang, the Bloodstock review will be up shortly, and have lots of nice juicy pictures, as we got a photo pit pass :). This post however, is about the fun shit that comes from getting crunk, the main reason people come to festivals.



It was a good 2 days drive from the Northwest of England to Germany for Wacken, in Jim's fabled "Thrash Metal Bandwagon", a turquoise van that he used to use for his old band "Dead To Sin" and still has their logo and "Real Thrash Metal" written down the side in faded writing. Everyone knew the 6 of us meant business as we drove into the campsite in a beaten up Volkswagen van with this written on the side, all the wimps and posers kept their distance, even Manowar fans looked timid in the presence of the "Real Thrash Metal" Volkswagen van. However, the German security people were apparently neither wimps nor posers, as we were told several times that we had parked in the wrong place and would have to move.

Our infamous mechanic Harry "The mighty" Quinn, looks under the impressive hood of the Thrash Metal Bandwagon in a "Machine Fuckin' Head" T Shirt. You think that's coolant? Its the ubiquitous toxic waste that thrash metal bands always base their artwork on, and acts as fuel for the van.

All was however good, as soon we were set up and making friends, and by pure coincidence a friend from Manchester university arrived and set up next to us with her crew.

So pretty much the whole time there we were drinking beer non stop, hanging out and doing dumb shit, watching awesome bands, I went hardcore dancing, my new era cap managed to stay on all through Machine Head's very violent set much to my glee and surprise (although Jim did drop it in some floored ravioli, so it felt like an empty victory), and I figured out how to play my mp3 player in the van after my mix CDs failed to work in its shitty old CD player, so I still got to listen to brokeNCYDE as well as all the awesome metal I got that week!!!

I would now like to take a paragraph and apologize to the decade beginning 1980, The cities New York and L.A, Kerry King, James Hetfield, That fat singer of Testament, Gary Holt and anyone who has ever worn a denim jacket with patches; I am sorry for playing brokeNCYDE out of a van that says on the side "Real Thrash Metal". I have soiled your ancient (3 decades) tradition with this modern abortion, i have raped your beliefs and values. The only way this could have been any worse is if it had the Warriors of the World cover on the side. Sorry, i really am..........

Appology aside, the combination of brokeNCYDE and the Thrash Metal Bandwagon led to the discovery of possibly the best pickup line ever; "Do you want to listen to brokeNCYDE with me in my friend's van". I had just left a group of people and was in a happily tipsy state, and was about to go to bed when I noticed another group of friends. My unusual attire of vulgar brightly coloured hoodie and shuttershades allowed me to instantly steal centre of attention, and found myself chatting to a cute, although slightly chubby German girl. I dropped the brokeNCYDE/thrash metal bombshell, and within minutes she was polishing my quiver bone in the back of the van, if you catch my drift, all the while with the brokeNCYDE album playing on the speakers. The whole length of the hummer I couldn't help but think of how proud Se7en and Mikl would have been, if only i had this to say to them when I interviewed them. I was literally living the BC13 dream, in fact most of their lyrics spewing from the speakers I could directly relate to in the moment, and there was nothing gay about the fact that while I was getting head in Jim's van all I could think about was a group of effeminate guys with blonde highlights from New Mexico. Midway through someone shouted "Jim, ******'s doing some bird in your van!", to which the reply from Jim's tent was "he better bloody not be!"

The next day I got with another German girl with a mega rack, although unfortunately this time brokeNCYDE played no part in it :/, simply being the only guy in a square mile NOT to worship the fucking ground she walked on. Metal festivals are so full of socially retarded guys and stuck up girls who take advantage of this and get armies of minions following them everywhere, so keeping a fucking level head and just having fun works like no mans buisness.

We also made a sport of jumping off the van using an inflatable couch to catch us, ultimately resulting in it bursting, and a video of one of our number doing it naked. To put this into perspective, this is standing on top of a van in a field full of people, and taking your clothes off...there isn't many more attention gathering ways of getting naked than this, short of actually broadcasting it on TV, or doing internet porn. Weirdest was the fact that he did this with minimal sugestion, and after a moments reflection decided he would "Keep ma socks on".

Me gracefully completing a complex "face-dive" maneuver from the top of the Thrash Metal Bandwagon

Another fun event was when two German girls came around with a beer bong, and more or less raped Harry the Mechanic into swallowing beer rapidly through a tube, resulting in this video, which is probably the closest thing society will come to non nude worksafe hardcore German pornography



As you can probably tell, and I gauged from the situation, the one holding the beer bong was an extreme cock tease, while the one who gulps up the beer seemed like something of a bicycle. Here is an image of the event, and probably the most sexually charged photo on blogspot.

This image is more arousing than over half of the contents of tube8. That's me filming it on my camera by the way.

It wasn't all fun and boobs though, oh no. At one point Harry the mechanic in one of his more violent moods threw several glass bottles at various people including a member of security, resulting in a team of them (well, 2 of them) storming our camp in a quad bike, intimidating the hell out of us with their German accents, (think every second world war film ever) and demanding to see our passports. One of them almost hit me when i shouted at them to " Dude, Chill the fuck out!", which looking back was a stupid thing to do. After the initial storming they got much more friendly, and advised us that if we wanted to start shit, do it in another camp site so they couldn't trace us here. Good advice, but odd coming from a member of security.

I also met this awesome guy called Oli while pissing next to him in a bush, and ended up hanging out with him loads, listening to him talk about how much he wanted to fuck his super hot scene girlfriend back in Baden-Baden. He was a class guy, here is me holding him like the child I never had, and him appreciating the warmth and fartherlyness I offered, while drinking cheap gross German beer like a dummy/pacifyer.

I felt Billy Mays had the kind of fatherly image I should go for, as I cradle my pet scene kid.

Oli, if you read this, me and the guys wana stay in touch! Leme know if you see this and we can hang out again next Wacken!

At the end of the festival I saw this couple of metal heads having the most long goodbye ever next to the remains of our camp.

This was the best one I could get before they noticed me and I started to creep myself out

It was pretty cute to see this presumably fresh romance blossoming amidst the chaos of the last morning, I hope they're still in touch. We kind of ruined the mood slightly, just out of shot is Harry trying to jump start the Van and swearing loudly in a way that only Northern British people can. They paused their mutual affection to behold the curious and most likely alien spectacle of working class Britain jump starting a van that says "Real Thrash Metal" on the side (god, that never gets old). As they finally said goodbye she walked off and he stayed for ages, watching her go, leaning on the barrier of the light behind them. I neglected to tell him that we had been urinating on it since day one, it was obviously one of those moments you don't break for no amount of urine. Had he known, I doubt all the urine in Manchester would have stopped him from having his cool, nonchalantly-leaning-while-watching-your-girl-walk-away moment, popularized by so many romantic comedies, or Romcoms. Hygiene just isn't a priority at times like that. Seeing that made me feel so empty after my week of meaningless decadence, and i began to wish for whatever that guy...leaning on our makeshift urinal...felt right then, looking cool as she walks away, occasionally glancing back and giggleing at him. I began to miss my sort of bootycall back home, even though she has a boyfriend, and whatever twisted interpretation of romance we were scraping together. We will probably never get a moment as intense as the one I witnessed here, but maybe I could try at something,at least enough to make her miss me for a while when we go our separate ways to uni, provided her boyfriend dosn't have me lynched. At least I won't be unknowingly leaning in piss.

All in all, an awesome festival and a cracking week, even with sight fall outs, and Harry the notorious mechanic almost sexually assaulting a drunk girl and getting in a fight with her boyfriend. On the way out, the Thrash Metal Bandwagon broke down on the autobahn, resulting in us having to get out and push the fucker off the road onto the hard shoulder amidst all the traffic, who weren't exactly co-operative. All this with Sabaton still playing, taunting us with gay power metal songs about victory. Apparently the god of Thrash just weren't enough to keep the thing going, or maybe it was just getting us back for defiling it with brokeNCYDE, who knows, only Harry the Mechanic. Anyhow, a short walk for Jim to the nearest petrol station to pick up some diesel, looking like a tit in a luminous yellow coat, and we were on our merry way again.

The sign said diesel, as we waited for Jim to return, unsure we would ever see him again. It definitely felt a lot like the beginning of a new generation horror film, van of metalheads and scene kids braking down in the north of Germany after a festival, to be hacked up one by one.

After that we had an awesome barbeque at one of our number's German girlfriend's house in Hamburg, where the parents absolutely loved me, and I practiced all my German speaking skillz. My charm was so much that we got on great even though I was wearing my infamous "devourment" t-shirt.

We take over a humble suburban German household. On the back it says "She should have said yes". Plus now you know what Billy Mays looks like in a New Era cap and Devourment t-shirt.

It was a relaxing end to the week, and we got to shower each. I thought about trying it on with my friend's girlfriend's cute sister, but in the end was just too tired to bother, maybe next year.

Account of Bloodstock to follow!!!

D:

Look at the cat, look at the poor little bugger. The past few days/weeks I've found nothing that better sums up my current damn situation.

For one, I'm not gonna be seeing Killswitch Engage at all this summer. This may seem trivial, but its become something of a sentimental tradition. Also there is no way I'm gonna be able to afford to go to Helsinki for Tuska festival this year, despite having accreditation, no Tuska festival....fuck! I know the line up sucks this year, despite the Faceless and the Black Dahlia Murder, but its just as much about chilling out in Helsinki, with Samuli, my skinny blonde Finnish sickfuck with the unbelievably hot girlfriend, listening to how proud he is of the recent spree of school shootings there, or just fucking shit up with all my awesome Finnish friends.

yeah...everything they say about Scandinavia and black metal is true...it's not a show

Also, i made friends with this hot Finnish chick with fucking HUUUge boobs last time i was there, so missing out on the chance to feel those has also got me kina strung. In fact, all I have to look forward to when these exams are over is tryna get a shit menial job, to pay off huge debts. Fuck...that ain't no motivation. On top of that, I have zero money, so the last couple of weeks of exams will be rather uncomfortable (no more relentless energy drinks), and i wont even be able to get drunk and stoned when it's over. Middle class student life doesn't get much more grim than this. All I really want to do this summer is go home, chill with my brother and some dudes back home over Unreal Tournament and some beer, and occasionally hit a club, but i'll probably have to stay alone in Manchester. But hey, this shit has to be done right? I guess I'm just annoyed that this is my first summer working, not traveling, in a while. And on top of that shit, my finals, which I've probably scraped though at best, thanks probably to the lack of motivation of a shit summer, that will most likely be spent doing door to door charity work, until I find something less humiliating.

I realize how self pitying this shit is, but fuck it, sometimes people need ill placed self pity, and the internet seems like the best deposit.

Summer is most likely gonna suck, and with the Exams probably going to be a huge foxtrot, i can't see the optimism.

So, to cheer myself up, whats been cool recently?

Well....

1. New Devourment album
.....fucking sweet as shit, check one of the songs on the player, I swear some of the slams in that thing made my dick move. Glad they can still sock it!

There is hope, in a post-swine flu world

Also, having found this picture of Mike Majewski has further strengthened my position that deep pigsqueals and being pitlessly Misogynistic will get you laid like no ones buisness!

Levels of awesome most wigger slam affectionados can only dream of

2. New video from brokeNCYDE

"Shake it like some chocolate milk" - need i say more

Despite having run out of money now, and most likely I will be having a very rationed existence soon enough, I still don't regret pre ordering their album. Although when i wanted to actually buy some chocolate milk, the lack of money was a harsh, yet ironic wake up call. (wouldn't want to buy the chocolate milk without them, but because of them, can't afford it :( )

i mean fuck...."baby girl i've seen your photos on myspace", that's genious. Warped and vulgar, but pretty damn relateable.

3. Wacken

At least ill be able to afford Wacken by then, and despite having pretty much zero bands i want to see, I don't give a shit, I'm gonna chill in the camping lots, get drunk, and have fun. Plus I can't wait to blast out brokeNCYDE to a campsite full of die hard hungover German Metal Elitists. Also a further hot chick with nice rack may be there, this time German, similar situation to the one above. This fest is pretty much the only thing I'm looking forward to right now. May even have enough to go to Finland afterwards, scoring twice the boobage.

I can only pray it'll be as awesome as last year - also, this is neither of the mentioned chicks, just another girl from Wacken last year...plus this photo doesn't do her justice

Well, I feel slightly better now...It maybe almost 6 in the fucking morning and i have an exam at 2....but fuck it, A summer of shit jobs might be tolerable in a world of Devourment, brokeNCYDE, and chesty European chicks.