Monday, August 31, 2009

Guys in bands I have a man crush on

I would like to start with the dubious disclaimer that I am not one iota gay, and I love the feel, taste, sometimes the smell , and now even the sight of gash. Also, amongst some of my (also no homo) friends, it has also become commonplace to express our appreciation of a member of a band by saying what sexual practices we would like to engage them in. For example, the other week I was chatting to a bandmate, and he said, quite casually, "yeah, the drums on that Black Dahlia Murder DVD are fucking tight, I would suck that guys cock!", and this was normal unremarkable conversation. Therefore, seeing as our man crushes often manifest in mock sexual desire, i thought that it would be appropriate to express this particular list in a similar fashion, to get across the nature of the (platonic) admiration.

Also, wanting to bugger Bill Kaulitz of Tokio Hotel does not make you gay.

So confused!

Joakim Broden - Sabaton

I already touched on this one last post, and although I hate Sabaton, I couldn't help but include this guy. It's also noteworthy that this is the only guy in the list who actually looks like a chutney shunter. While he does look kina gay, like a token bear, what separates him from say, Manowar, who also look super gay, is the playful nature of his (visual) gayness. While Manowar never smile, and posture far too seriously, I get the Impression that unlike Joey Demaio, he realises that he does look pretty gay, and plays along with it for laughs. Also, I was chatting so Sargent D of Stuff You Will Hate and Metal Inquisition, who is a man with "wizard level game", and he says alot of girls think he's gay at first, and then bam! he's lovin them up to Hollywood Undead's "No. 5". Therefore I suspect old
Joakim may have an ulterior motive for looking so homosexual. Either this or he actually is gay, in which case, as an attractive, gay looking male in a reasonably successful band, he will be like a homing beacon to any other gay power metal fans out there (there are more than you may think). The last alternative is that he has no idea about the gayness at all, and it is all simply the charming naivity that comes with being Swedish. Anyway, he's just so butch, playful, and fun to watch live I can't help but have developed a basic man crush on the guy.

Gay Relationship type: He would joke around alot and I would sigh and tell him to behave. In bed he would generally give it, then in the morning he would make me breakfast and make me feel special.

Muhammed Suicmez - Necrophagist

Being German automatically gets this guy extra man crush points, as well as being a sick guitarist and vocalist. I know the other guitarist in my band, who left for Greece to become the Karate kid yesturday, took with him a picture of Muhammed as a kind of fatherly figure to inspire/watch over him. Hes kind of been the central collective man crush of my band pretty much since the beginning, like the partner we always cheat on but then regret it and return to him. That's a pretty powerful crush, especially seeing as Necrophagist haven't actually released anything since 2004 (since 2006, every year, Muhammed has said that the new album will come out that far, after 6 years, he has one new song to show for it) yet despite this, we remain mostly faithful.

Gay Relationship type: Muhammed is like the "fatherly" partner, who imparts his wisdom and learnings at the cost of what he calls "some sugar".

Something like brokeback mountain, with me as Jake Gyllenhaal, and him as Heath Ledger.

Adam D - Killswitch Engage

This one is almost entirely based on the pinch harmonics this guy pulls off, and his smooth as fuck guitar tones. Me and a few friends base most of our rigs around him. Plus he's just really amusing to watch live. He comes out with ALL the best vagina jokes! Every time i've seen them he's always had something new and ridiculous to say. Plus he's probably the only person to decide to ream emo kids then launch into "My Curse", something he probably realizes how ridiculous it is. Maybe he's subversively mocking everyone....yeah, probably.

Hes some more classic stage banter

So yeah, awesome guitarist, producer, pinch harmonica, and stage banter pro.....pretty admirable no? You should want to fondle his balls. If you don't you're gay.

Gay Relationship type: Probably more of a kind of homosexual bromance, invisible to the naked eye.

Oli Sykes

I know many different straight males who talk openly about bumming Oli Sykes. He's just so damn androgynous and Scene he's practically female anyway. In fact if i was gay I probably
wouldn't give a shit, it's not as gay to rail guys who look like chicks anyway. He's pretty much only here because of his massive scene stigma. Apparently he's the only one in Bring Me The Horizon with any money, all because of that fucking clothes company.

Gay Relationship type: Ohhhh he would get reamed........

Adam Warren - Oceano

Because I had to include a large black man

Gay Relationship type: Ohhhh I would get reamed........


grobi wunder said...

Dude, when I first saw a Tokio Hotel vid four years ago I thought the singer was a really cute underage goth-chick that I'd totally screw! I mean, you can't really tell, neither by voice nor by looks, can ye?

Eyelicker said...

you and me both brother

Anonymous said...

Man how the hell can someone hate sabaton?
And Joakim is so sexy and cool! Love him!