Friday, October 30, 2009

A snapshot of the North of England, and an inadvertantly beautiful metaphore for teenage life.

Watching this video, I can't help get slightly sentimental, and feel a certain connection with where I'm from, in a way similar I imagine to the feeling that Necro may get when he hears about someone getting raped in New York. This felling is not about the girl or the baby, but a huge sense of kinship I feel with the running kid at the beginning of the video (not the fat one holding the phone). His look of wide eyed desperation to see this momentous event, that he can tell his friends "I was there", for years to come. I also relate to his status as "outsider", or "watcher", as he tries to hurtle over his classmates to get a better view, and then get shouted at by some teacher or self appointed "bossy girl" to "give her some room" or some shit. He is neither the girl, nor (not fucking likely) the baby's father. In stead he is just a casual observer, looking for something to talk about, chilling with his early pubescant bros, before school ends and they go to intimidate the general public on a bus/fast food restaurant and then go home to dinner and ultra violent video games. They have no female friends, but the second one of them gets an extremely pedestrian girlfriend, the rest of the group will be wrought with betrayal/jealousy. And here they are, living parallel lives to this girl who is already pregnant at what can't be more than 15. She is the "in" crowd, a main character, a protagonist or antagonist to the dramas that unfolds in and around the school. The boy, and so many like him, the younger me included, are just extras. We watch, and with fascination, even though we know it is very unlikely we will ever get our own "15 minutes of fame". There is just nothing about us worth talking about. We shall probably get our first girlfriend around 16, loose our virginity at 18, too late for anyone to care/congratulate us on/spread rumours about. We just hover around the "In" crowd, letting them explore life first, taking notes, before we experiment ourselves with sex/drugs/fashion. They are the real time Soap Opera, taking place right before our eyes, while we live through tv, film and video games. TV lets us look in on the lives of more "In" crowds, with lives that have a compelling narrative. At around 16 we will probably combine with a group of girls, of similar looks/social standing/lack of charisma/lack of life experience. Together we make a new larger, more diverse mature group, and explore life together, under the radar of the wider social circle. We have good and bad times, romances are born and die, and our old video games lie largely forgotten. We feel that our lives are finally beginning to resemble TV, although no one cares by now, except us. After a few years, our group will explode, as we go to uni, and we will probably grow further and further away from each other. We never had any real connection to each other, even when we thought we were in love with some girl we dated, we just clung together because we had no one else. There is just nothing about us worth talking about.............yet.

I need to get me some of these!

On the fuckin' real!!!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Maltstream chicks crunk my world

Using this extremely close minded and generalising system I have devised (and by devised, I mean briefly pondered upon), I hope I can help any of my discerning readers identify, pigeon hole, and act accordingly around females.

On my scale, there are only 3 types of girl. The most common ones: "Hard" Alternative, and "Hard" Mainstream, which generally clump together, and most social groups will be dominated by one or the other, with little else present. Then there is the third group, my holy grail as such, known as "Maltstream", a term coined by the massively successful post ironic hipster blog "HRO". (note: this system only applies to the middle classes)

Contrary to what everyone believes/tells you/are duped into believing by music videos, "Hard" alt girls are normally, not humble/misunderstood, extremely bitchy, closed minded, and kina fucked up and self centred. This is generally a result of hanging out in alt social circles, where (socially inept) guys massively outnumber girls, and so any girl, nomatter how fat/ugly, will get heaps more attention than if they stuck to mainstream sociality. This normally leads to them being painfully self centered, case in point: Kiki Kannibal. They also seem to fight amongst each other on a mean girls esque scale, vying for position of most relevant/alternative hot of the group, generally by banging a guy considered more successfully alt than the other chicks (due to band, art, gnarly tats). Plus most of them seem to be there for the alternative "image" above all else.

Meanwhile mainstream girls are normally a bit more pleasant and accepting, and simply have the major floor of being shit boring. It's obviously a massive sized demograph, yet they normally simply seem to have almost exactly the same views and conversational topics (espesh in uni).

replicate this picture a few hundred times and you have every mainstream girl's facebook. possibly with the odd folder of some holiday in Canada or something.

Then there are the glorious maltstream chicks, who my British alternative heart truly goes out too. Consisting of the best of each, mainstream enough to function normally in most social situations, alt/fucked up enough to have interesting conversations with and be into decent music/go to gigs with you and not be freaked out when you go hardcore dancing/pitting. Pretty much all the chicks I've ever had a meaningful connection/relationship with have been maltstream, as they glide between a spectrum of social groups like a carefree satellite in a studded belt, girl boxers and phat skate shoes. Normally they can be identified by a small generic tattoo, normally on the upper back.

And lets not forget Alison Harvard, the ultimate Maltstream!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Things Metalheads hate Pt 1: Gauged Lobes

I will begin this "series", as such, with "Gauged Lobes", and try to understand the hatred surrounding them.

I think it wouldn't be unfair to suggest that a big factor in the resentment Job For A Cowboy have to face on a daily basis is their bass players lobes...........and ginger hair/beard combo.

It is hard to pinpoint exactly why metal dudes hate this. I have a journalistic gut feeling that there must be something deeper at play here than simply resenting their affiliations with scene kids. Of course, look on many of the "Why deathcore sucks!" articles/youtube videos around the place and you'll find plenty of disparaging comments about them. All I can really think is that the dudes who have gauged lobes tend to be the most fun loving, hella mass chill bros in the deathcore bunch, who are normally completely oblivious to any haters they may have. For this reason, I think the majority of metalheads, making angry blogs/youtube videos, both fear and despise them the most. They won't even get angry and provide anyone with more ammunition.

Hella Cute!

I'm kina thinking of getting some myself at some point, but this scene bro I know had a girlfriend with them, and tells me that they smell of cheese. In a bad way. Plus dunno if can be arsed with the hassle of having fuck off holes in my ears whenever i'm not wearing them. Dunno how that would go down in a job interview after uni, although apparently they heal so long as you don't stretch too fast. Anyway, I'll sign off with everyones favorite scene douche bro with gauged lobes, T Mills, who is quickly becomming synonymous with this blog. Sorry, I just can't ignore him. He's just so rediculous I can't help but love him and his terrible music :)

Monday, October 19, 2009

Punk Rock meets Bruce Willis

I need a fucking Die Hard box set. Wish I had a black sidekick I could go on crazy adventures on with after I split up with my first wife.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Pissing off Metal fans: The Art, The Lifestyle

I recently went and hung out with some generic metalhead friends I have, as part of Manchester University's rock society. I hang out with them, mainly, to simply play up my sceneness, insult power metal, call Manowar fucking gay as much as I can, and big up deathcore and wigger slam (the latter of which I use to remind them that I am actually into heavier shit than everyone in the room). For this reason, I am pretty much an expert on things that get metalheads hot under the collar, and would push them to violence, if they weren't nerdy pussy's who don't want the embarrassment and following exile getting decked by a Scene Kid would mean. Especially seeing as when we aren't present they go all tough guy about "slaying posers".

Anyhow, it was a pretty sick night, I hung out, made new friends, trolled some fat tub of goo, scoped some of the tasty new fresher chicks in the society, including one who I made out with, but wouldn't let me in after as I discovered, her (hopefully generic scene hating metalhead) boyfriend was in the flat. This was after I had said earlier, jokingly, to some other metal dudes, that the only reason they hate scenies is because we steal their chicks. I got the idea from the end of the brokeNCYDE album.

If you are a generic metal dude, that last paragraph should already have you seething with rage, with brokeNCYDE being the icing on the cake. Now understand that I know what I'm taking about. I know how to make you rage.

Of course, making metalheads rage is very much like making the Westboro Baptist Church rage. If you don't conform to a very strict set of diktats, someone will probably call you fag. Because of this, it's hardly a tricky task, but it is a rewarding one nevertheless.

Deathcore is obviously one of the easiest ways to make metalheads rage. So easy that i'm getting quite bored of it as a trolling method (luckily thanks to shit getting more rediculous by the second, Brokencyde->Attack Attack!->T Mills, I am never normally out of a fresh trolling tool). I mean check out this guy! Weird redneck dude with slayer t shirt and a huge list of deathcore bands and saying for each one the same critique of "I HATE BREAKDOWNS, SILLY HAIR, GAUGED LOBES, RIPPING OFF SLAYERRRRR!!!!!". He must really have his vagina in a twist about something! I also noticed this other post about typical genre rage, another surefire metalhead troll tactic, and stumbled upon this rage gem:

"In my apartment, you can see everybody's shared Itunes, and this is what I found while creeping one day. I don't know who this "Eric Doll" person is, but he fails at music so hard I can barely believe it. 80 minutes of Brokencyde? When I got to that part, I was reminded of Bender's quote from Futurama "Someone please kick his ass!"
NOTE: Eric, if you ever read this, I have nothing against you personally. But God is your music awful. And for the record, Bring Me The Horizon is not metal in any way, shape or form, and certainly not thrash. Listen to some Kreator or some Exhorder, then you will understand what real thrash is."

This Eric guy sounds like my kina bro, brokeNCYDE and BMTH?! Beats the hell out of some generic outdated thrash! Hell yeah man, although I got three and a half hours of brokeNCYDE, so I outbro you there. We should hang out sometime and steal this guys girlfriend.

Here is another gem of metalhead rage I found recently, I swear by the end I could feel the guy's cheeto breath on my face and smell his B.O. I had to back away from the screen. It all just seemed far too real, the greasy hair, the rumbling of the spit in his throat...Afterwards I sprayed some oust round the room and tried to get back to business.

Now would you rather hang out with him? or these? (I'm not sure, but I suspect, that they might be Attila fans, which would be sick, because I'm yet to meet someone else who doesn't hate that band)

So, how do you like to annoy metal folk? Any good stories or links? As easy as it is, it is actually a very rich and rewarding experience, and I urge anyone to do it. From claiming that BMTH are more technical than Origin on youtube, to telling people that Manowar are fucking gay, I guarantee that you will enjoy it. I also now have a use for T Mills :)

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Some girls sing t mills, a cat tries to escape

It is lovely when people pay attention to things you do, whether it be music, sport, or donk, and so I would like to send a big up once again to my partner in appreciating embarrassingly bad music Sargent D, for reppin' this blog on Stuff You Will Hate. If you are reading this you are either Paul, who is my only friend who knows of the blog (when the fuck we publishing the next headbang!?), Big D himself, or someone who clicked one of D's links. In any case, welcome, sit back, and grab a crunk juice (not actually available in the UK (yes, I fucking checked) so any energy drink will suffice). Now I have been linked to on both Metal Inquisition and SYWH, I might as well just destroy my router and go outside. As far as casual pointless achievements go, this is pretty fucking high.

I'm also glad that I alerted D to my horrific unearthing of T Mills. As far as discoveries go, this is like the scene equivalent of the beginning of The Exorcist. Now there may be a new whipping boy to mock, make references to, and ask the question "is this guy for real?". Soon music nerds the internet through will look back with fondness on the days when all they had to worry about was brokeNCYDE and Cryptopsy going Deathcore. Now a new age of nerd rage could very well be upon us. Subcultures are moving so fast nowadays that most likely within 6 months brokeNCYDE will no longer be relevant and I will be bitter and jaded, complaining to T Mills fans on youtube videos about how he "dosn't have the feeling that BC13 had back in the day", in a ridiculous parallel to old metal dudes getting sore about deathcore metaphorically stealing the chicks at their party.

It is probably worth a note that while brokeNCYDE do mainly appeal to teen scene chicks, they do have a few male fans, normally sleazy creepers like me, but a notable male following nevertheless. T Mills is almost entirely female followed. While guys, when they really like music, will break down the technical aspects so they can convincingly argue that their opinion is right, and probably form their own bands that copy the originals, girl super fans will draw some incredibly retarded looking sketches of you, and film themselves talking in a monotone voice along with your music in a youtube video, while giggling and holding a cat who is clearly as horrified as me at this whole thing, and just really, really wishes he was somewhere else.

So would you or not? I think naked to the right would get a poke, whereas the cat molester would probably need some serious deliberation/hard liqueur.

You can tell poor John never wanted this. Just look at his poor cat face.

This expression of confusion/terror/indignation at being fondled by a chubby girl who is probably too old to be listening to some scene douchelords gay little project, is actually almost a perfect replica of how I looked when I first saw T Mills, and for that I see this tortured soul as a kindred spirit. In fact, I think I'll dig back, and draw one more cat picture that sums up my T Mills face even more accurately.