Sunday, June 28, 2009

Allison Harvard, my heart burns for thee

I discovered about this chick browsing the /tv/ board at 4chan, but damn, i think i'm in love bro! I could get one of my many nosebleeds and she'd lie underneath it, then dance covered in my blood. Then we'd watch some really violent film and snuggle, before falling asleep in a mess of caked blood.......this fantasy is over!

Me being English and someone who never watches tv means i'm most likely way behind on this, but after a quick look on youtube, i was severly hooked. The eyes man! I love fucked up girls like this, when I was 15 a had a girlfriend who would carry around pictures of death scenes and shit, and we'd talk about ways to kill ourselfs...looking back it was probably the most tight relationship I ever had, I wonder what she's up to now?

Tomboy fuck yeah!

Like most girls with weirdness like this, chances are that either now or soon she will "mature" into something boring and vapid that doesn't wear Nirvana t shirts and ripped jeans, something made more likely by hanging around with models. Teenage angst can be pretty ace sometimes, i dunno why everyone has to hate on it so much. Someday she'll probably look back on the blood thing and scoff and act embarrassed, and blame it on said angst. But anyway, heres to hoping she stays weird. YUSSSSS!!!!

Friday, June 19, 2009

BC13, end of term, and an awesome night

Well, its been a while since the last post since exams have finished and I've been very busy not giving a fuck about anything, writing sweet tech death metal tunes on Cubase, and playing Red Alert 3 online endlessly with my brother. However, last Saturday, just a few days after my last exam, I did do something very noteworthy. I went and both saw and interviewed the marmite-esque brokeNCYDE.

I got there around quarter to five, when already there were a few young myspace scene chicks hanging out side, and a few androgynous douches with Suicide Silence or Carnifex t-shirts. Trying to initiate any conversation with anyone was completely fruitless, and let to blank stares and instant suspicion. I had even made an effort to fit in, wearing a brash white hoodie with neon bones, and a Boy Will Drown t shirt, so perhaps it was my silly little tuft of chin hair that gave me away as being most likely 5 years senior of the average age. This was all very dispiriting, as listening to brokeNCYDE makes you think their fanbase must be carefree, fun loving and down to party, instead of prissy, middle class, and closed up. There should have been crates of carlsberg and pre-drinking in that alley, not standing in a line with myspace hair, not talking to anyone damn! Or maybe I am just getting (relatively) old. I definatly feel very unlucky that i missed getting to hang out with chicks like that by about only a couple of years or so. In fact next time the BC13 come around i'm gonna gather a group of friends and do said drinking outside, and show the fuckers to practice what brokeNCYDE preach, instead of just dressing like they do.

Anyway, i met up with the tour manager Adam, who was a sound guy, and went in for the interview. Entering the backstage the band were all in separate corners of the room, individually on laptops, on myspace or something. And Phat J (the one with the headband in the picture, does synths or something) was no where to be seen the whole night :(. I was met with dis-intersted grunts when introduced by Adam, and sat down with Mikl, one of the MCs (green t shirt in the pic). This was a big mistake, as the dude was extremely monotonous, pre-ocupied with his laptop, and pretty disinterested. Se7en however, the other MC (front wearing pink in the pic), was really cool, and stood by answering questions with much more good humour and spontinuity, so I should have probably sat with that guy instead. The problem with Mikl, was that he seemed a bit too serious about everything, which is kind of rediculous when your band is brokeNCYDE. Se7en seemed pretty aware that the whole thing was just a fun mess around though, and even said brokeNCYDE wasn't as deep as his prevoius stint as a solo hip hop artist. Meanwhile, Antz, the other guy at the back who dosn't seem to really do anything, and is much fatter in person, just kina hung around and wandered in and our intermitantly. Still, Mikl was probbaly just tired or something, and to be honest, no one really wants to see a random dude from a relatively unknown webzine when you're in a state.

Anyway, the gig was cool (short but still good), met up with somefriends, and participated in a "crunk pit". Was kina hoping the band dressed more outragously, with shutter shades and revolting hoodies and whatnot, but hey, whatevs right? Also one of the support bands had this indian guitarists who at one point asked "is anyone in here brown like me?" leading to an expected silence amoung the skinny caucasian scene kids. This guy then became my hero for the night, and the quote is now immortalised between me and Mace, my unwilling friend i dragged along. We were also like the only people there drinking (age?), and drink we did.

So yeah, after that we went to a few bars, met up with another one of our friends with a gay irish dude he was hosting from couchsurfing, and a couple of chubby chicks, went to 5th ave (Manchester's premiere indie club), drunk more, got fucked up on E, danced like woaaahhhh, met aload more people there, got more fucked up, went to a friends flat to drink more, then walked home with Mace at about 8 in the morning. All in all, one of the best nights i've had in ages, and an awesome last night in Manchester before comming home to Lancaster for summer. Plus another awesome quote from some guy outside Owens Park in Fallowfield while talking to crazy bus lady, "I must go now, I will be away over summer but I will be back next year". The delivery was epic, and he made it sound like Obi One Knobi or some shit, and me and my friends found it fucking hilarious. Also, Google her, and understand shes kind of a legendary figure on Oxford road, kind of like a semi rare Pokemon.

Anyway, I'll get that interview up as soon as I can be bothered to transcribe the fucker.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Why the world hates us part 2: Steel Panther

Upon finishing the article in the last post, fellow HB staffer Paul Harris directed me to this video, the pinicle "Death to all but metal", by Hair Metal revivalists "Steel Panther". As it was so damn relevant, i felt i had to throw this in the end of the original article, for your enjoyment/horror.

Now, I'm sure quite how serious they are about their message, or as a band in general, but if seeing this didn't make you instantly want to appologise to the world on behalf of Metalheads everywhere, then i guess, once again, you are the woefully self unaware German dude in the Manowar tribute video (last post). This video serves more or less as a comprehensive guide to why the world hates up.

-Firstly, the guy at the beginning seems like a complete dick, and deserves to get the shit bullied out of him. In fact fuckers like this are pretty much what i'm talking about in the article. Everything about him at the beginning seems like a conversation between a long suffering mother and a spoiled, autistic child. Plus proclaiming death to all but metal, especially in that kind of situation makes you look like the most elitist douche ever, twice as much if you have no friends to begin with. If you were a metalhead in that school you should be ashamed to be lumped in with him, for the social suicide proxy would bring. In fact thanks to this guy, i bet all the moderate metalheads in this school could pretty much kiss goodbye the chance of ever loosing their virginity in high school, unless they hide their fandom very fucking well.

-I have about 6 years experience of this, and I can tell you, playing metal guitar neither gets girls to dance, strip, or hot in any way. In fact with the exception of one girl who once said she would "fuck my brains out" if i learnt "Fury of the Storm" by Dragonforce (she was mega into power metal anyway, so this is not a particularly surprising anomaly, and probably would have done the deed irregardless of me learning the song), playing guitar generally is met by a passive, rather bored, glassed over, reaction, with an air of "you're trying to hard darling". In fact, the best music to get girls hot and bothered (any girls, even into metal, no matter what they claim), is some ultra bassy techno, with a solid pounding beat.

-I really doubt that members of an American Football team would feel threatened in the slightest by four skinny guys threatening them with drumsticks, especially considering their life is about aggressive behavior and tackling people. What I'm trying to say, is they would get their asses totally beat.

-Ironically, the bands they mention, Def Leopard and Motley Crue, are some of the most neutered, radio friendly, mainstream shit ever, wheras blink 182, Eminem, Dr Dre, athough mainstream, I fucking love, and at least they dont dress like chicks while they're at it, which again, is ironic considering how much they insinuate that other people are gay. They are probably lucky they are under the radar of most of the people they insult.

-Hair metal is pretty much the most mainstream metal ever was, and an embarrassment we still have to live with.

-They are signed to Island Records, a major label, despite telling all record companies to suck their ass.

-They look like chicks.

-The lead guitarist isn't that good.

-This is pretty much pop with guitars.

-The joke at the end is cringeworthingly unfunny.

-They wear makeup.

-This shit sucks.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Why the world hates us

After having irked off work for headbang this month because of exams, i did however write this short editorial. Even though it's still not as good/creative/original/funny as I hoped due to time and talent constraints, i still wapped it up, and may as well post it here. That's what blogs are meant to be for right?

Quite often, I find I have to put up with the incessant ballaching of some of my peers about how, “metal isn’t respected enough”, and how it is “dismissed as a lower art form”. In fact, as good idea of what I mean, just read the blurb to “Metal: A Headbangers Journey”, which I’m sure sits in a prominent place in all of your DVD collections, the special edition of course, next to those ubiquitous Family Guy boxsets. My first response, as always will be to show them this video. This hits twice as hard if they’re a Manowar fan, who are normally the types of douches to be asking this question in the first place.

Now, tell me, did your respect for the whole subculture just plummet massively? Cos if it didn’t, then you are this guy. Metal is, and always has been, extremely childish, ridiculous, and kina retarded, and your silly persecution syndrome does nothing to help. Although there doesn’t really seem to be any other form of popular music as technical, complicated and darn brutal, metal seems to have a kind of lack of self awareness that makes it so ripe to make fun of. This is how it’s gonna remain, until everyone stops taking everything so seriously, lightens the fuck up, and gets a whole lot more open minded, as well as stops listening to black metal.


No one finds you scary, they are just laughing at you, there is nothing less evil than guys wearing makeup. And learn how to EQ a damn guitar.

It also doesn’t help in the PR department, when you act like a complete dick to anyone with a taste in music that “isn’t metal”, especially in the kind of “you wouldn’t understand” method, favoured by Meshuggah fans the world over. When I was younger, I would tell people, more or less, that my music taste was superior to theirs, with a thinly veiled prose. Looking back, i was probably right some of the time, but I still shouldn’t have been such a little git about it, and neither should you. I still see people doing this all the time, and it does nothing but make the rest of the world respect us less.

Another positive step would be to embrace scene culture! Seriously, thanks to this new wave of people playing music which is (lets not split hairs) very similar to traditional death metal, there is now an influx of attractive girls into the metal community. You can now go to a metal show and instead of the usual one or two incredibly slutty metal chicks you normally see surrounded by ugly dudes, there’s now dozens of attractive chicks hanging out! We should welcome in this stream of attractive people with looked after hair, as they distance the image of metal from the socially awkward ugly geek dudes in trench coats. Instead we have to make a big deal about how much we hate scene kids, reject any metal band if a member has a “fringe”, and get confused over which bands we’re allowed to like or not, based of how big the “scene” following is. In fact, after a friend of mine was introduced to The Faceless, one of his first reactions was to say, “Am I allowed to like them”. The Faceless to this day remains one of those borderline bands, where metalheads get confused which side of the line they’re on. Consequently, for this irrational bigotry, the rest of the world hates us even more.

If you disagree with this, you are all kinds of gay

Finally, no matter what Turisas say, listening to metal doesn’t make you a Viking, Barbarian, or warrior of any sort. It was kina a cool theme at first, but now it’s a tad ridiculous frankly, and the rest of the world just laughs harder.

Not a warrior (also unsure weather a dude or a chick too)

So now go, listen to more than just metal, don’t just hang out with metalheads, and fuck scene chicks.

Thursday, June 04, 2009


Look at the cat, look at the poor little bugger. The past few days/weeks I've found nothing that better sums up my current damn situation.

For one, I'm not gonna be seeing Killswitch Engage at all this summer. This may seem trivial, but its become something of a sentimental tradition. Also there is no way I'm gonna be able to afford to go to Helsinki for Tuska festival this year, despite having accreditation, no Tuska festival....fuck! I know the line up sucks this year, despite the Faceless and the Black Dahlia Murder, but its just as much about chilling out in Helsinki, with Samuli, my skinny blonde Finnish sickfuck with the unbelievably hot girlfriend, listening to how proud he is of the recent spree of school shootings there, or just fucking shit up with all my awesome Finnish friends.

yeah...everything they say about Scandinavia and black metal is's not a show

Also, i made friends with this hot Finnish chick with fucking HUUUge boobs last time i was there, so missing out on the chance to feel those has also got me kina strung. In fact, all I have to look forward to when these exams are over is tryna get a shit menial job, to pay off huge debts. Fuck...that ain't no motivation. On top of that, I have zero money, so the last couple of weeks of exams will be rather uncomfortable (no more relentless energy drinks), and i wont even be able to get drunk and stoned when it's over. Middle class student life doesn't get much more grim than this. All I really want to do this summer is go home, chill with my brother and some dudes back home over Unreal Tournament and some beer, and occasionally hit a club, but i'll probably have to stay alone in Manchester. But hey, this shit has to be done right? I guess I'm just annoyed that this is my first summer working, not traveling, in a while. And on top of that shit, my finals, which I've probably scraped though at best, thanks probably to the lack of motivation of a shit summer, that will most likely be spent doing door to door charity work, until I find something less humiliating.

I realize how self pitying this shit is, but fuck it, sometimes people need ill placed self pity, and the internet seems like the best deposit.

Summer is most likely gonna suck, and with the Exams probably going to be a huge foxtrot, i can't see the optimism.

So, to cheer myself up, whats been cool recently?


1. New Devourment album
.....fucking sweet as shit, check one of the songs on the player, I swear some of the slams in that thing made my dick move. Glad they can still sock it!

There is hope, in a post-swine flu world

Also, having found this picture of Mike Majewski has further strengthened my position that deep pigsqueals and being pitlessly Misogynistic will get you laid like no ones buisness!

Levels of awesome most wigger slam affectionados can only dream of

2. New video from brokeNCYDE

"Shake it like some chocolate milk" - need i say more

Despite having run out of money now, and most likely I will be having a very rationed existence soon enough, I still don't regret pre ordering their album. Although when i wanted to actually buy some chocolate milk, the lack of money was a harsh, yet ironic wake up call. (wouldn't want to buy the chocolate milk without them, but because of them, can't afford it :( )

i mean fuck...."baby girl i've seen your photos on myspace", that's genious. Warped and vulgar, but pretty damn relateable.

3. Wacken

At least ill be able to afford Wacken by then, and despite having pretty much zero bands i want to see, I don't give a shit, I'm gonna chill in the camping lots, get drunk, and have fun. Plus I can't wait to blast out brokeNCYDE to a campsite full of die hard hungover German Metal Elitists. Also a further hot chick with nice rack may be there, this time German, similar situation to the one above. This fest is pretty much the only thing I'm looking forward to right now. May even have enough to go to Finland afterwards, scoring twice the boobage.

I can only pray it'll be as awesome as last year - also, this is neither of the mentioned chicks, just another girl from Wacken last this photo doesn't do her justice

Well, I feel slightly better now...It maybe almost 6 in the fucking morning and i have an exam at 2....but fuck it, A summer of shit jobs might be tolerable in a world of Devourment, brokeNCYDE, and chesty European chicks.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Failing my first year

So, I'm starting some shit blog to stir into the already extremely convoluted with self obsessed rantings tubes of the internet, because i'm meant to be studying for a Thermodynamics exam on Thursday for my first year Chemical Engineering finals, and this seems like as good a displacement activity as any. Writing for some little metal webzine gave me a taste for this kind of thing, exept now i can just write about whatever the fuck i want, and not worry about going off topic, being too opinionated, or offending people (I had to tone down a review I did of the latest Deathstars album, because it garnered a few complaints and was insulting the goth demograph, one of headbang's staples). So yeah, this thing has absolutely no purpose, and is about nothing imparticular, although it will probably center around metal, annoying students, horror films, random youtube shit, and whatever i find cool.

I don't even know if i'll even be bothered to continue this fucker for that long, but whatever...I talk to myself anyway, so why not do the online equivalent and start an anomamous blog.

Anyway, to wrap up this monumental first post, here is a completely unrelated video combining 3 of my favorite things, Scene chicks, Screamo Crunk and Germany. Simultaneously painful to watch and arousing, we will forever be asking ourselfs: why would someone do this...then put it online for the world to see? Sweet hat though...

Yeah, i know the girl's ugly, but its the kind of ugly where you still for some reason want to rail the shit out of her. I have no idea what the hell she says in German at the end, despite the fact that I'm meant to be learning it, but that's the bit where I really want to violate her the most. Odd considering this is where her voice plummets an octave. She's most likely a complete bicycle anyway, so I can safely say I think I'd have a fighting chance. Maybe later I'll post a translation...