Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Why the world hates us part 2: Steel Panther

Upon finishing the article in the last post, fellow HB staffer Paul Harris directed me to this video, the pinicle "Death to all but metal", by Hair Metal revivalists "Steel Panther". As it was so damn relevant, i felt i had to throw this in the end of the original article, for your enjoyment/horror.

Now, I'm sure quite how serious they are about their message, or as a band in general, but if seeing this didn't make you instantly want to appologise to the world on behalf of Metalheads everywhere, then i guess, once again, you are the woefully self unaware German dude in the Manowar tribute video (last post). This video serves more or less as a comprehensive guide to why the world hates up.

-Firstly, the guy at the beginning seems like a complete dick, and deserves to get the shit bullied out of him. In fact fuckers like this are pretty much what i'm talking about in the article. Everything about him at the beginning seems like a conversation between a long suffering mother and a spoiled, autistic child. Plus proclaiming death to all but metal, especially in that kind of situation makes you look like the most elitist douche ever, twice as much if you have no friends to begin with. If you were a metalhead in that school you should be ashamed to be lumped in with him, for the social suicide proxy would bring. In fact thanks to this guy, i bet all the moderate metalheads in this school could pretty much kiss goodbye the chance of ever loosing their virginity in high school, unless they hide their fandom very fucking well.

-I have about 6 years experience of this, and I can tell you, playing metal guitar neither gets girls to dance, strip, or hot in any way. In fact with the exception of one girl who once said she would "fuck my brains out" if i learnt "Fury of the Storm" by Dragonforce (she was mega into power metal anyway, so this is not a particularly surprising anomaly, and probably would have done the deed irregardless of me learning the song), playing guitar generally is met by a passive, rather bored, glassed over, reaction, with an air of "you're trying to hard darling". In fact, the best music to get girls hot and bothered (any girls, even into metal, no matter what they claim), is some ultra bassy techno, with a solid pounding beat.

-I really doubt that members of an American Football team would feel threatened in the slightest by four skinny guys threatening them with drumsticks, especially considering their life is about aggressive behavior and tackling people. What I'm trying to say, is they would get their asses totally beat.

-Ironically, the bands they mention, Def Leopard and Motley Crue, are some of the most neutered, radio friendly, mainstream shit ever, wheras blink 182, Eminem, Dr Dre, athough mainstream, I fucking love, and at least they dont dress like chicks while they're at it, which again, is ironic considering how much they insinuate that other people are gay. They are probably lucky they are under the radar of most of the people they insult.

-Hair metal is pretty much the most mainstream metal ever was, and an embarrassment we still have to live with.

-They are signed to Island Records, a major label, despite telling all record companies to suck their ass.

-They look like chicks.

-The lead guitarist isn't that good.

-This is pretty much pop with guitars.

-The joke at the end is cringeworthingly unfunny.

-They wear makeup.

-This shit sucks.

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