Wednesday, June 30, 2010

99 Chan

So besides the ubiquitous 4chan, which is ur favorite chan?

Theres something lovely and grimey about all the other tiny ones in a kind of unloved, unwatched alley that you might get raped in kind of way.

Anyway, 99 chan just turned 2! And with that posted this rather amusing post on the front page.

So as of June 14 we are 2 years old. The past year was even crazier than the first. Here are some more numbers.

99chan by the numbers:

DDOS Attacks: 23

DMCA Takedown Notices: 922

Webhosts: 1

Domain Hijacks: 2

Pissed off parents: 42

Users Banned: 29,621

Times gununu has been banned: 1812

Users in jail: 7

Disk Space used: 94.98

GB Wordfilters: 43

Time Regs hasn't been high in the past year: N/A

Internal sabotoge attempts: 3

Suicide Attempts: 5

Staff Members Dead: 1

Actual Court Documents served: 3

awe ye

Love it when internet shit leaks into the real world, as long as it's an isolated, chaotic spontanious one off event, and not just some fags in those fucking masks.

Like when one of my friends found some guy posting asking for someone in Manchester to join him in kidknapping some girl, so somehow my mate tracked down the dude, took photos of him, then posted them along with all his other deats. Think they sent their findings to all his facebook friends or something equally life ruining too. Good times.

Anyways, happy birthday 99chan!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Summer Job :/

To "fundraise" for my upcoming trip to the US of fuckin' A so I can catch the warped tour with the rest of the SYWH crew, I am working this manual labour job with some contract gardeners. Because it is summer, this means mowing, and mowing and mowing, and doing all in my power, backed with a potent arsenal of hardcore garden tools, to prevent the growth of mother nature. Lucky, mother nature is pretty much shit-out right now, because the northwest is about to officially go into "drought" mode, enforce a housepipe ban, and generally let all the grass burn to death. This is good news however, because burnt grass dosn't need mowing, and I get to spend more time sleeping in a smelly van with two foulmouthed contractors who pretty much exist in order to oggle summer girls, via builder stereotypes. Luckily, they are also pretty averse to work too, so we generally just cut corners in order to spend max time sleeping in the van or any available comfy patch of grass. I think I fit in ok because of my mums "peasant blood" or something.

Still, having to start work at 7:30 is fucking rough, as is spending every night in the knowledge that you have to go to bed at a reasonable time. Life as a normal working person is pretty grim :/, its like, all of a sudden, boom!! there go 5 of my seven precious weekly nights :( fuck that!

Its cool though when there are keut doggys in Gardens im mowing:

Especially when they steal someone else's tuna sandwich:

Imminant builder rage...

I also came to the conclusion today on the drive home listening to Good Charlotte on the radio that "Girls and Boys" was written by an extremely embittered Joel Madden after some rich college kid stole some chick he was after. Fuckin' pop punk fgts.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

The "OG" Millionaires

Oh good lord!

And I thought The Millionaires seemed open for buisness...

Watching this feels like hiring a prostitute, then at the last moment realising you don't really want to do this, but it's too late and she's in your apartment, and pulls you down on top of her, and you try to get away, but she's freakishly street-strong, and proceeds to rape you, take money from your wallet, and leave you sobbing on the rug curled up in the fetal position.

Shoe + Gore = Hella Sickness

How sick are these fucking shoes! How could I not buy that!

Can't believe they would make shoes based on a retro Sega Megadrive (Genesis to you yanks) game, complete with faithful blood specs and a little replica mask.

It's also about to be remade, which I'm totally stoked for. I always found God of War a little too arbitrary, and recent Devil May Cry games have been kina ghey, so this fresh new hack and slash re-imagining should be a welcome addition to my brothers PS3 shelf!


Re-make, complete with token metal soundtrack:

Also, a pretty cool fan film, featuring some tribal tattoo'd guido as Rick:

Maybe if it does well they'll squeeze a film out of it. Considering the recent success of Prince of Persia and a couple of other videogame/comic franchises as movies, as well as the current vibe of horror and darkness for all, I can imagine someone taking note and doing that. Hopefully it's be silly, discusting and OTT, like a 2010 Evil Dead. It will fail if I don't dry heave.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Mixing two very different parts of your life for amusing effect

So today I was hanging out at the Mall with this girl, and remembered I needed to get some new warhammers.

Being that she was a socially normal, good looking, no real problems girl, she was kina wary of going to the Games Workshop, so I was all "it'll be fun, we can laugh all the nerdy people and stuff and make fun of how fat and skin hopeless everyone is but on a serious note I genuinely do need to get some Eldar for some games this summer". This approach worked, so we hopped over.

Upon arrival, she loudy said it smelt of sweaty guys, and then went up to a table and started bashing some space marines into each other pretending to make them fight, and generally taking the piss. This made the nerd in me rage slightly, but I was having a good day and it was kina funny, so I played along and let her do her thing.

The strange thing happened when I was buying my new models, and she playfully asked the guy working there what the big deal was with....well, everything.... Drawing upon an infinately limited knowledge of the opposite sex and a few stereotypes apparently based on Lindsay Lohan films, he hilariously tried to compare buying warhammer to buying shoes, in possibly one of the biggest ever acts of social seppuku I have ever witnessed. Seriously, any amount of predictable British comedy based on contrived awkward social situations had nothing on this guy.

There are some parts of your life you should just not mix, I've suffered disasters before when mixing students with scene kids, so I should have probably known better than having to put this poor dude through that ordeal. Now I'm ending the day by watching my dog trying to get his head around the concept of bearded Dragons for the umpteenth time.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010


Exams are over, so I guess I should go get crunk or something...

Monday, May 31, 2010

The Room

Sometimes, I miss awesome things when they happen. I'm English, so I'm not exactly on the buzzer of the US, where most of the relevant cultural/memeable things occur, so every now and again I'll think I've discovered something cool when it's old meme over there. However, The Room is just so good that even if you have lol'd at it before, even a recap should be welcome. This may even be better than Troll 2.

"Oh high Mark"
"Oh I'm just sitting up here thinking"
"Yeah...maybe you're right...maybe I have one already..."
"It seems to me like you're the exxxxxpert Mark"


Friday, May 28, 2010

Chick Tats

So recently, at every party I go to, some painfully mainstream girl comes up to me having noticed my tats, gleefully shows me her butterfly/flower/something ghey, and instigates some kina conversation where she will say the following, in no particular order:

1. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would
2. I want to get another, they're like, sooooo addictive
3. I think it's really important that it's something that like, "means something", ya know?

And then, she explains in painfully forced detail that hers is about either:

1. Her ability to overcome all challenges
2. Family/Friendship
3. Believing in yourself/not giving up
4. Her dead dog/sibling/parent/friend

going on in excrutiating detail about said meaning, and explaining the pure bullshit behind such a generic ghey image. Then she asks me about what mine "mean" with wide expectant eyes, at which point I normally chuckle, shrug, and say, "uhh, well I got that one in Finland once this time when I was drunk at this party from some other drunk guy with a needle and some ink, that one was just something my brother drew, thats a band I like, thats a charactor from a video game I thought was cool.......etc)

Now she looks taken aback, and will say something along the lines of "but what if you don't like "video games/those bands/the Finnish when you're older". And I'm like, "whevs, I probably will. In the unlikely event I change massively I'll have a reminder of how awesome I used to be". Then she'll try and agree with me, and say it's cos I'm "care free" or some bullshit, cos she dosen't want to look square.

TBH I prefer the people that come straight for the jugular with "lol, u'll regret ur piercings and tats! Enjoy not getting a job lolololol!!!" than the slimey, "look, I'm just like you, let me lecture you on meaning".

Look, I don't mind you having meaning, just don't think I care, and don't fucking try and force a meaning if you want ink but are scared of saying "I just wanted it" or "thought it looked cool" when people ask. That would at least make you look like less of a pretantious prude when you do.

Firstly, you're limiting what you're gonna get if you're so obsessed with meaning. It's kina hard to find a logical personal rational further than "looks sick" behind something as awesome as this:

But it's a great piece of artwork nevertheless, and has kind of transcended some shakey definition of "meaning". By limiting yourself to something with "meaning" you end up just getting something really vague, and normally very similar to every other annoying student chick with her first tat.

Secondly, your life just isn't that meaningful, at least not to the degree that would justify perminatly marking yourself. Don't try and pretend it is, and don't use this as a reason to justify getting something, especially when the real reason is you just wanted to try it. Don't be ashamed, just do it, and don't feel the need to coat it in bullshit in case someone calls you out on it later.

This isn't meant as some kind of "more alt than thou" snobbery, it's more just an annoyance at a habbit. Pretty sure more student girls do than don't have ink now, or at least a very significant proportion. Just wish they weren't all the same, or that they actually went past the one-generic-object phase.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Hope the last one's a troll...Love it when fat/ugly nerds who think they're clever get worked up (via most ppl on the internet)


So (Plot Spoiler), it turned out that Dio dies, thus promting lots of rightly deserved tributes all over the bloggesphere, as one would expect. Although I don't really care, I can understand that feelings are running high.

So I guess it's kina sucky that The Westburo Baptist (check out their rather advanced new layout!) church have decided to picket his funeral.

Also very predictably, is the standard explosion of "hur, if they mess with us then thing'll get messy hurrr!", as well as standard "this is what religion does derp!!" internet atheism outcries from the community galore.

My surprise is...why does anyone care? I mean, Westburo Baptist Church is fucking old meme, they've been made fun of, they've been hated, and they've not actually done anything other than be a mild annoyance for years now, and the internet has been chiding them all the way through. Hating them for this is like making fun of black metal.

Objectively this isn't even the most offensive thing they've ever done, seeing as they've done the same thing at US soldiers funerals, and towards post tidal wave New Orleans, which were IMO way more tragic than Dio's death. Still, the metalhead "shit, someone's attacking us, lets mobilize and talk online about how we're gonna kick someones ass!" mentality comes into play and suddenly we're so special.

Just let it go, and fuck them and their religious fevor. They probably have really shitty lives, just let them do their dumb picketing. They obviously love the attention we're giving them, and I doubt anyone's actually gonna get at them (via metal fans being nerdy pussys irl). They'll die off eventually, just don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they effected anything.

Dio's Widow seems to have the right idea.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Friday zaster: Fail Mountain

This friday involved a myriad of poor life choices from yours truly, starting with drinking vodka while studying in the morning before an exam. What started as a mere swig to simply "take the edge off", grew steadily into many swigs to tackle many edges, and before I knew it, I was DGAF'ing instead of studying, and live-tweeting said downfall.

The exam went pretty poorly, as one may expect, at one point I tried to make myself puke by fingering my throat so I could get out and maybe be able to do it again in a more capable state, but it lead to nothing other than a sharp retching noise, causing some slight attention and embarressment, so I just put my head down and tried my best to regurgitate some kind of knowledge onto the page.

Luckily it was just some bullshit module with little credit worth, so if you were gonna be drunk for any it would be that one, which was lucky. But as most of my uni friends reminded me, apart from my azn, who just giggled, drinking and exams is never good.

After the exam I happened upon a few scene friends I'd not hung out with for a while, and continued to get fucked up in canal street, Manchester's "gay quarter", as the majority of our little group of alts happened ghey/les. It turned into a surprisingly decent day, I made new friends, got drinks bought for me [via Rich(er) Girls] and managed to safely pass out in my bed at 9pm sharp, giving me plenty of time to get my system/head clean for revision the next day.

Also learnt during my travels that one of the scene bros was some kind of minor scene youtube celeb (3006 subs :/), which was kina amusing, via silly pointless vids of ugly English people.

5 unabridged minutes of morbidly obese classless British scene fail: courtesy of "Chloe Carnage"

You don't even know meeeeee!

Also included was the obligatory "stop judgeing us!" video that all internet alts have to have, after getting butthurt when someone calls them gay. Kina redundant, especially seeing as how the internet is just pretty much a big room that you walk into and everyone calls you a fag.

Anyway, apparently the dudes kina embarressed about it now, and dosn't make them, so I might, if I get a chance, try and convince him to start again (via sucking up) just for the hell of it :/. If anything it should produce some more potential lolfests. I ran into him once before very briefly via a mutual friend, and he seemed decent enough, if not a little camp. One of those people who can't really speak without making wild arm movements.

Anyway, speaking of internet things you later regret when you get older, I appear to have found the alt Mclovin on myspace. Amusingly enough it was through a picture comment his girlfriend left on JT Lloyds myspace, saying she was jelous of his girlfriend.

Gross hair? Pre-pubescant mustache? Sideways Piece sign? Hat Tilt? Damn son! You're livin' the dream!

There are too many awesome pics of this wonderful little wigger to choose just one, but anyway, here are some of the best. It's like this guy is a one man edition of Wigged and Confused.

we are all very impressed with your collection of shitty $100 guitars. And your doubel chin pose.

Nomatter how hard they try, some people can never get past the "nerdarms", and that awkward way they hang slightly forward

This'll show her!!! lololol, with the caption "You know who you are".

Everything becomes clear.

Love how myspace is now a pool of dumb poor, often OTW teenagers now. It's like, everyone else left to go to facebook, and now it's been condensed into some kind of internet equivalent of Australia, where all the reprobates and undesirables get shipped off too.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Tumblr is Rectal Anarchy

I have a tumblr now. Guess this means I can slowly forcefeed my massive folders of internet pictures and sick/funny shit back into the internet like a giant sewage plant.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Dani's Pokemon Years

As innocent as this song sounds, I suspect that "microphone", may be a euphomism for something far more unbecomming.

For a while I've faced disbelief/adversity for wanteing to eff Dani over the other 2 Millionaires, with her gigantic forehead and lack of the valuable Japanese geneology that the other 2 so proudly posess.

And indeed, while she she may posess that effable "four finger forehead", and husky tomboyish voice, which is especially bonerworthy whenever she uses the word "boyyyyyyyy", it's hard to keep up the feelin' when pictures like this exist:

It's always horrifying when you see a chick you crush on looking like some kind of bizarre chubby frog thing, staring into a webcam with an expression that can only be described as "chommer"

However, I guess we all have bad days/photos, and my faith is always restored on returning to her final fantasy/pokemon days:

Wish she still looked like this. Sucks how chicks always seem to go through many different "phases", of scene, before "growing up", and ultimately becomming boring/mainstream. I guess this is further evidence of me being some kind of (still pretty young, I think the Millionaires are older than me?) manchild, who just needs to "grow the fuck up". Still, if enough people stay as pokemon, then maybe, less will become boring no fun club hipsters when they hit 21, and be more down to get crunk and non ironically blast FTSKs and Amy Can Flyy while downing jagerbombs, instead of sipping cider while discussing films and their ill informed feeble grasp on politics.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Hilarious Scene Face of the week

Mark: This Romantic Tragedy

As Sargent D once said, sometimes scene hair = putting lipstick on a pig

Friday, April 23, 2010

I like them rich girls....

My past week and a half has actually been that song, thanks to the lovely (and loaded) yeahyouknowit from the SYWH fam, and her bank account, who decided to hop over to Manchester last thurday. This was her fucking hotel room!

That TV was the bomb, luckily I had my Aliens DVD on me for some reason, so I could stay up all night loudly reciting "They mostly come at night....mostly...." and "They're in the vents!!!!" preventing YYKI and most likely everyone else on the penthouse floor from sleeping till 3 am.

The next night, friday, my stangry friend Nevchrist came and chilled up, and we were gonna see Millionaires, but instead stayed in drinking jager way too late, missing the show and instead buggering off to Satan's which now lets us back in.

Saturday we saw brokeNCYDE and Jeffree Star in London, laughed at tube stops, and got further crunk. Also, it was disturbing to stand infront of a waddle of fat tween girls screaming at the top of their lungs "FUCK ME, IM A CELEBRITY". No thanks......

Shame that she had to go back, cos the power of me, her and nev was a scene force to behold! I knew she got some jelous looks from many of the regular scene bitches, who are no doubt glad she has gone home ;)

Anyway, life is normal and boring and sucks again, untill the summer, when hopefully going to the Warped tour with the rest of the SYWH fam! Bitches!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

I Still buy CDs.......

I think Americans are beginning to respect British people slightly more. Cheers to bros like Jason Statham, The SAS in Call of Duty, and the "Psycho" bro in Crysis, we seem to be being portrayed less and less as either cowardly villans, ppl who die, or hugh grant, and more as criminals or the SAS.

Think I'm gonna miss always being the villan

As we all know, criminals and the Army = Respect

H8 my parents right now for being baby boomers and fucking up the housing market, the economy, secondary education, wellfare and a ton of other things which means life's gonna be mega hard + mega debtful + dick high houseprices + dick high taxes to pay for the pensions of the same generation that fucked everything up so much, so they can keep living it up and blowing our inheritance. Fuck this, after uni I'm pissing off to America.

Magoo the Masturbating dog remains the best thing in Cinema for decades...

Wormrot is a fucking awesome band.
I really wana check them out in some filthy bar in Singapore sometime, if I'm ever there. One of my bff's is Singaporean too, and said I can totally crash his whenevs.

Is it just me, or are scenebros getting more and more inbred hick looking/acting. JT Lloyd, DDC, and following T Mills on twitter is pretty much just an hourly reminder that he smokes dope. I heard you the first time bro. Guess I felt pretty baddass and wanted everyone to know too...when I was like 14. Then again, Americans have always seemed rather "all show and no go" when it comes to drugs and alcohol. Prolly your 21 drinking age which makes you such exhibitionists. #shutupandtakeit. Coke remains the naffest drug going, followed by Methadrone which Hipsters in Manchester seem to have swept up as the wallet friendly coke alternative. Weed clocks in at 3rd, thanks to T Mill's fucking Twitter.

It's the goddamn cutest thing ever when a girl turns you down. Its kina customary to get pissy as hell when this happens, loose all your dignity, and go write awesome deathcore songs. You look like a fucking tool and loose major cred though, chill bro. Most of the time, even if they think they are, they arn't serious about it (within reason, if she starts screaming or running away you should probably let that shit go). MB its like a test or something, whevs. So many awesome memories of chicks trying to "put their foot down" and be serious by turning their face or pushing me away, trying not to smile. Kina sucks to get with someone with zero effort in a way (via "T-Rex wants to hunt, not be fed" #JurrasicParkQuotes). Mb thats why I used to dig chasing girls with boyfriends so much. "No" is a fucking cute word, trumped only by "But I have a boyfriend...". Anyways, a cute as fuck scene balloon recently decided I was the best thing since internet porn, so I'm more than happy to let all that shit go (via srs relationship).

Have done fuck all over the past week but spend 90% of the time procrastinating and playing video games, and the rest studying. I think tomorrow I will diagnose myself with ADD. Fuck.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Bro moments are the fucking best. Getting stoned and/or drunk (coke is for naff hipsters anyways, all you need is alcohol, weed, and maybe E), playing video games, talking about chicks & music...A good bro time is better than like, 40-60% of all the fucks ever.

Had a few decent bro moments recently, maybe being in a relationship make you appriciate that shit more, whevs. Had my birthday/easter bbq last fri, got waaay stoned and passed out in a bed w/ a bro after listening to Forever the Sickest Kids all night. Decided to make a band.

Saying "lets make a band" is some advanced brodom, even if you never actually do it, or even ever fully intended to. Like saying, I would be happy having you accompany me in a music journey + attracting tons of scene poon together.

Violence is bro

Here is me getting punched by Nev, he has a killer punch, he could probably deck most people.

Punching each other and other forms of jackass type fooling around are a sign of advanced bro-status.

As is getting locked in a small toilet together looking after a severly over-crunk bro

Getting naked in band practices and play raping each other is pretty bro.

Not sure how this happened.....

I went to an all boys school, and remember the "play-bummings" well. It was always the most hetero guys who got with the most chicks who did it too, all the dudes who actually turned out to be gay never joined in. One of my friends was once getting bulled so shouted out "Stop it, you're giving me an erection!". Actually, guess thats why the gay dudes never play raped anyone.....

Back in Lancaster for Easter, tryna study moar + finish the last bits of the deathcore/metal EP I'm making w/ Nev when not getting punched. Probably spending too much time playing video games, considering my next rig upgrade, or laughing at dogs. Whevs.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Past Week In Images

It was my birthday, times were good, SYWH honored the occation, I ate pizza, watched die hard, drank mango vodka, and things were generally good :)

Also went to Alton Towers, a popular UK theme park, with my brother and his girlfriend for the occation too over the weekend. This was ok, the rides were cool and all things considered it wasn't that expensive, but since I last went it seems to have been overcome by poor people and chavs. Seems like the middle classes may have "moved out". Also pretty sure i ran into "Die Antwoort" in the line for Hex, it was very dark though, so couldn't get a photo.

Chick with a fucking mullet!

Bus back was kina a nightmare too, and seemed to have been overrun by the cast of skins, give or take a few years.

Kids these days are fucking annoying. Had to violently push one little fucker in a que to stop him jostling my bros gf.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Is T Mills discretely following my angry friend?

I thought the mannerisms on this forumspring question looked too familiar, and then it hit me!

Both of them use question marks instead of saying "question", and both use the word rediculous! The "hah" and "bro", also seem kina indicative of the Millster, so maybe!

Well, probably not, but it's an amusing idea that after reading the damning review that my stangry friend wrote in which he esentially did little more than repeatedly call T Mills a cunt, and that he is somehow inexplicably representative of many bad things, that Mills himself has taken an interest in Nevchrist, and is descretely watching from afar. Indeed, it could be Mills who repeatedly asked of him the question "why are you such a cunt", in some kind of reversal of "cunt", turning his own words against him. I guess it's Nevchrist's move now!

Ask what his next move will be!

Monday, March 01, 2010


The yearly WTF?!?! That is Karnival

So a (pretty rich) friend recently paid for me to go to Germany last week for "Karnival", in Cologne, a sick ass German street fest I went to last year. Pretty much twice every year I tend to at some point find myself in Germany, and whenever I'm there it's sheer awesomeness still gets me. Ever since I was 14 it's been like my favorite place ever, I've dated 3 girls there, and I have a ton of friends all over the place too, from Rendsburg to Munich. Here is why Germany rules more that your shitty country, and a few weird/amuzing experiences I've had there:

Da Germanz, Dey Luv Me:
Ok, so this one most likely dosn't apply to you, but I thought I'd include it anyway. Germans fucking love me! Seriously, I have no idea why, I probably pull off some kind of mix of cute foreigner + alt cred + natural cool bonus from being English that applys all over the world. Either way, I do just get on with Germans way better than most non-Germans, even through the (ever diminishing) language barrier. Actually, some Germans fucking hate me, and think I am an annoying asshole, but most I just gel with really well. Kina like marmite with a higher success rate.

Some of the guys with the most bro points i've ever met come from Germany. If you follow me on twitter you may have noticed the event where at aformentioned Karnival one of my best German bros was arrested for some kind of vandelism/drunk and disorderly German hybrid equivalent. He did this while fancy dressing as an escaped convict. I can just imagine how hilarious he must have looked in the holding cell.

Props bro, but soon you'll be in a cell and won't get to hit that

Another bro worth mensioning was this dude fro a foreign exchange back in high school, who was probably the best argument for Nazi Germany i've ever met. Taller than six foot, blue eyes, blond hair, with the muscle formation of a black man, pretty much straight from a Hitler youth propagada poster. During the course of the exchange, he dominated the assault course, broke up a fight at a party, carried about 2 thirds of all the components needed when we had to build a raft (out of a team of 6), and on the last night broke his previous stone cold a-sexual vibe by getting with the hottest girl around, this Polish chick who everone else had been breaking their backs trying to get her attention, after she had been comming on to him the whole night. When he left, my brother refered to him as "The only person I've ever loved" (no homo). And my brother hates everyone.

Bromances that will last a lifetime (no homo)

German girls are the fuckin' shit! From their stone cold veneer hiding a playful center that just wants to get out, their subdued Randy vibes carefully obscuered beneath well kept side swept hair, the dissaproving looks they give you when you do anything silly.

Also remember this girl from a year or so ago when me and one of my firends were chilling in a bar there, we'd just got off the plane so were kina knackered, and although everyone else was dancing we were content to just lean on the bar and drink and "play it cool". Then out of the blue this textbook German chick comes out of no where wanting to dance and says, "Hallo? Es ist Partyzeit!!". This ones for you, semi drunk German party girl!

Also, there was this fucking crazy dude there we met through a friend who told us about all the money he had made selling knifes and drugs to school children, yet was also politically aware as hell, and expressed his thoughts on how the German judicial system was too easy on repeat offenders. I'm not sure if he was aware of the irony of this, or whether it was the beginnings of some kind of lengthy diatribe on how he "is a product of the system", but anyway, shows you how even the criminals in Germany are of a higher class than in other places.

Man Chorus:
The horror. More or less every national pride type song involves the sound of burly men singing together.

There is no escaping this song...or Hohner's mustashe

For some reason, German mums are the most down to party demograph over there. They love to dance, get tipsy, and giggle at stuff. On one foreign exchange trip I actually got on better with my host's mum than her, and spend one awesome evening just chilling out with her, drinking their expensive wine, and waxing philosophical about life, getting gradually more and more drunk.

Also brings back horrific memories from some street party in Kiel, watching a large crowd of middle aged German women dancing together, being DJ'd to by some handle bar mustached middle aged dude who kept saying "I vant to fack!".

Large Men:
Germans are in General, large people. I don't mean this in the morbidly obese sense of the word, as their general lifestyle and eating habits are way healthyer than the UK/US. They are just kina scaled up. Like the time me and a friend realised we were the shortest people in a club (including the females), or the time I was in a bathroom and had to tip toe to get my cock in the urinal. There are still shorties about, but just a hell of a load of Aryan giants too. I don't know why this is a good thing, but it is funny in a strange kind of way.

Two giant gruff men once called me and my friend gay (in a jovial fasion) once after we left a large heart shaped chocolate at their table. It was hilarious and intimidating at the same time. It didn't help that the chocolate said "Ich Liebe Dich" (I love you).

German beer fucking rocks. End of. If you disagree you are wrong and/or American, and thus weaned on piss weak shit you can't even legally get fucked up on untill you're 21.


Scene Kids:
Not only is Germany home to a large selection of scene cuties!

But also this odd lesbo, back from my very first ever post!

So there, Germany, with its eccentric quirkyness and odd traditions, rulez d00d! If you have any other pro experiences there, let me know! I'm sure that regular German commenter in these parts, Grobiwonder, will refute my claims of Germany's sheer brilliance, via the "the place I come from fucking sucks" mentality, but he is wrong. Germany > UK <3!!!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Monday, February 22, 2010

I Join Stuff You Will Hate! First post up nao!

It's no small fact that I propper dig SYWH, and am super syked to have been asked to write for them. As a scene kid on the older end of the young spectrum, and a person with reasonable intellegence, I feel that the blog speaks directly to me, and thus can't think of any better continuation of my blogging prowess.

But yeah, peep my debut post up right now, which was originally gonna be on here, but now I guess found a better outlet, about Hurry! Let's Go and my belated scene valentines playlist. I'll still keep Hyperviolence going, just syphon all my scene content into SYWH i guess.

Anyway, super stoked! Crunk tiems!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Haters gon' hate' ;)

I feel pretty legitamised right now. Kina like the thrill that dot dot curve must get every time some internet nerd calls them fags, or the feeling that Scene Girl Reviews: Judge 7", must have brought. This genuinely made me lol and feel awesome about myself!

Saturday, February 06, 2010

If Only: Scene Jersey Shore

So recently I've been tots getting into this awesome US reality show, Jersey Shore. The basic premise, for everyone who is not American, is fill a house with those funny orange people you probably know from various internet pictures, and just let them do their thing, knowing that their natural stupidity/ego/lack of self awareness will lead to some mad entertaining situations and some absolutely pro quotes.

From what I gather, the program gets quite a lot of flak for being kind of low brow (lets face it, The Wire it ain't) like all reality shows do. I mean yeah, most do suck, and are generally boring as hell, but something about Jersey Shore actually strikes me as genuinely quite decent TV. Although I can only really speak from an English perspective on the subject, most of the reality shows here suck so much because the people are generally just shit boring and are either focused on too much or not enough. Plus there's something about stupid English people talking to the camera that just tanks.

This qualifys as highlights, no fighting, no drinking, no fist pumping, no orange

But yeah, the way Jersey Shore pans out actually works really well, other reality shows take note!

Firstly, it's a given that you actually hate everyone, and you do, for at least the first hour or so. The makers have pretty much banked on this, combining the natural prejudice against reality show contestants with the universal hatred/mockery of "Guidos" (a phenomena I am yet to experience first hand, although am totally thinking about hitting up the Jersey Shore sometime). They begin by exploiting the Guidos natural guidishness, showing them packing their cars with rediculous amounts of hair products, fake tan, whey protein, and other such artifacts of Guid.

However, as things progress, personality's further than "I work out 5 times a week and I like to parrrtttyyyyyy!" begin to emerge, as well as various amusing conflicts and relationships. So far this sounds kina standard, but there is something about the setting, the sheer egos and aggression involved, and the general hilarious stupidity of most involved that make Jersey Shore hella more entertaining than any other reality show I've seen before. The characters, while their likability and integrity may be rather questionable, do play off each other in a very entertaining way, and they do manage to actually go through with some decent drama fodder such as fighting and bringing chicks home on the regular. One episode of Jersey Shore has probably more drama content than an entire series of Big Brother or any other UK pseudo-celebrity snooze fest. And that's another thing, the UK tends to use reality shows as a vehicle for the same old dull celebs to tred water in an endless cycle of public mockery and Heat magazine type fame, instead of delving into the actual public, where you can find people who are far more interesting to watch, before the fame gets to them and renders them shit boring. (For this reason kina skeptical about season 2 of Jersey Shore).

So anyway, I was thinking, while Guidos and their drama makes for all kinds of amusing TV, there's another group of people who are that much more real to me, that could also do all this crazy shit and make some silly show with it! Scene Kids of course! While it could quite easily just end up being a group of depressive lamos hanging around on stickam on their parent's macbooks pouting for various photoshoots in a bid to try and look much more fun than they actually are, I think the mix of well known scene "characters" I have drafted up (with some pointers from the esteemed yeahyouknowit) shall ensure that a full, drama filled time will be had by all involved!

After running it by VH1 on Friday I've been assured we can start filming this fall, for an early 2011 release date! So here are my ideas for the most explosive mix of scene fgts for my new reality show "Crunk Shore":

T Mills (autotuned crunk fgt)

So yeah, this was probably the most obvious choice, seeing as how much I love this prick and his god awful/awesome brand of super auto tuned crunkcore. Partly I just wana put the bro to the test, and see if he can "walk the walk". I guess I kina expect him to be like the scene "The Situation" (with scene kids, tats are the equivalent of the Guido's abs), and live up to his lyrics of pulling "Rich Girls" and the like. Although I always wondered, looking like he does, I'm sure he would have a hard time getting most rich girls to take him seriously (and most human beings in general), seeing how the girls he describes sound painfully mainstream, instead of the "alt hoes" you would expect. Then again, i guess he can probably pull the old "bad ass" trick, which can snare boring girls for roughly a week before the novelty wears off.

Mellisa Millionaire (Millionaires)

A female counterpoint to T Mills, and a scene girl who actually gets the concept of fun. She would totally hit the town every night, to, if Millionaires lyrics are anything to go by, break hearts and take names! Plus I think it would be pretty amusing to see her puking into the toilet every morning, bits of regurgitated pizza getting caught in that lovely big hair. There could also be a special episode where the rest of the Millionaires girls come up, and T Mills and Se7en go retarded running around trying to impress them, while Kiki gets all butthurt over the lack of attention and breaks a plate or something.

Se7en (brokeNCYDE)

Do I really need to explain this one? Also needs to be put to the test, to see if he gets as crunk as he says he does.

Kikikanibal (internet brat)

So while people who are actually fun and likable are all good, I thought it would also be necessary to throw in a self obsessed drama queen to be a general bitch/hate figure. After every dude in the house hits on her relentlessly before getting sick of her bullshit, she would then start to have regular stress outs whenever the dudes bring any new chicks home. Would also probably have long emotional session with the other girls and tell them how they're "like a sister to me", before turning on same girl when they talk to the wrong guy or actually try and have fun because she's just being an annoying little bitch.

Johnny 3 Tears (Hollywood Undead)

While he isn't really overtly "scene", and more "wigger" (although the two are closely linked) I figured the house would need at least one dude who would be up to genuinely throwdown when some drunk dude in a club starts flicking Mill's lobes or leering all over Kiki. Plus he would probably at some point in every conversation say shit like "You don't know what hardcore is! I was in prison dammit!!" and be a source of other such lolquotes. I'm pretty much banking on him starting fights when they go out, based purely on HU's "scummier than most" image.

Amor Hilton (Internet brat/Model)

Would probably assert that she is "above" all this, not have fun, try and act like she thinks intelligent people act, make a fool of herself, and get pregnant about a week or so in.

Dahvie Vanity (Blood On The Dancefloor)

As much as I dig BOTDF, I can't help strongly dislike this bro for being chubby, socially awkward, creepy as hell, and possessing of the annoying type of Jeffry Star (who I genuinely hate) esque self obsessed narcissism. Basically a male counterpoint to kiki, but without being attractive enough to back it up. Who knows, maybe he is actually kind of fun irl, but he strikes me more as the type to creep all over drunk girls before proclaiming an eventual grope/passed out make out as "scoring". I would love to see him hastily appologise and backtrack like hell with that eerie soft voice of his though when someones boyfriend takes issue with his creeptastic ways.

Kristen Randell (Winds of Plague)

Although I actually know fuck all about her personality, I sense she would probably be one of the more down to earth ones, whos purpose would be to protect Mellisa from drunken rape/hold Johnny back/make Dahvie leave chubby underage girls alone/tell kiki to get the fuck over herself. Kind of like a mediating influence on everyone else's irresponsibility. I have no idea why I think this is what she'd do, it's just the vibe I get. Also, peep the first Google image result of her name (via scene boobage).

Any more ideas?