Monday, October 05, 2009

Pissing off Metal fans: The Art, The Lifestyle

I recently went and hung out with some generic metalhead friends I have, as part of Manchester University's rock society. I hang out with them, mainly, to simply play up my sceneness, insult power metal, call Manowar fucking gay as much as I can, and big up deathcore and wigger slam (the latter of which I use to remind them that I am actually into heavier shit than everyone in the room). For this reason, I am pretty much an expert on things that get metalheads hot under the collar, and would push them to violence, if they weren't nerdy pussy's who don't want the embarrassment and following exile getting decked by a Scene Kid would mean. Especially seeing as when we aren't present they go all tough guy about "slaying posers".

Anyhow, it was a pretty sick night, I hung out, made new friends, trolled some fat tub of goo, scoped some of the tasty new fresher chicks in the society, including one who I made out with, but wouldn't let me in after as I discovered, her (hopefully generic scene hating metalhead) boyfriend was in the flat. This was after I had said earlier, jokingly, to some other metal dudes, that the only reason they hate scenies is because we steal their chicks. I got the idea from the end of the brokeNCYDE album.

If you are a generic metal dude, that last paragraph should already have you seething with rage, with brokeNCYDE being the icing on the cake. Now understand that I know what I'm taking about. I know how to make you rage.


Of course, making metalheads rage is very much like making the Westboro Baptist Church rage. If you don't conform to a very strict set of diktats, someone will probably call you fag. Because of this, it's hardly a tricky task, but it is a rewarding one nevertheless.

Deathcore is obviously one of the easiest ways to make metalheads rage. So easy that i'm getting quite bored of it as a trolling method (luckily thanks to shit getting more rediculous by the second, Brokencyde->Attack Attack!->T Mills, I am never normally out of a fresh trolling tool). I mean check out this guy! Weird redneck dude with slayer t shirt and a huge list of deathcore bands and saying for each one the same critique of "I HATE BREAKDOWNS, SILLY HAIR, GAUGED LOBES, RIPPING OFF SLAYERRRRR!!!!!". He must really have his vagina in a twist about something! I also noticed this other post about typical genre rage, another surefire metalhead troll tactic, and stumbled upon this rage gem:

"In my apartment, you can see everybody's shared Itunes, and this is what I found while creeping one day. I don't know who this "Eric Doll" person is, but he fails at music so hard I can barely believe it. 80 minutes of Brokencyde? When I got to that part, I was reminded of Bender's quote from Futurama "Someone please kick his ass!"
NOTE: Eric, if you ever read this, I have nothing against you personally. But God is your music awful. And for the record, Bring Me The Horizon is not metal in any way, shape or form, and certainly not thrash. Listen to some Kreator or some Exhorder, then you will understand what real thrash is."

This Eric guy sounds like my kina bro, brokeNCYDE and BMTH?! Beats the hell out of some generic outdated thrash! Hell yeah man, although I got three and a half hours of brokeNCYDE, so I outbro you there. We should hang out sometime and steal this guys girlfriend.

Here is another gem of metalhead rage I found recently, I swear by the end I could feel the guy's cheeto breath on my face and smell his B.O. I had to back away from the screen. It all just seemed far too real, the greasy hair, the rumbling of the spit in his throat...Afterwards I sprayed some oust round the room and tried to get back to business.



Now would you rather hang out with him? or these? (I'm not sure, but I suspect, that they might be Attila fans, which would be sick, because I'm yet to meet someone else who doesn't hate that band)



So, how do you like to annoy metal folk? Any good stories or links? As easy as it is, it is actually a very rich and rewarding experience, and I urge anyone to do it. From claiming that BMTH are more technical than Origin on youtube, to telling people that Manowar are fucking gay, I guarantee that you will enjoy it. I also now have a use for T Mills :)


4 comments:

Matthew said...

Personally tend to find that striking up a conversation about some old thrash band like Exodus and then casually mentioning that I actually prefer their newer stuff seems to induce an epileptic in most diehard metalheads. Another fail-safe method to get the same reaction is simply to drop into conversation that Iced Earth made a mistake by getting rid of Tim "Ripper" Owens and bringing Matt Barlow back. I know - blasphemy.

Sergeant D said...

This Eric guy sounds like my kina bro, brokeNCYDE and BMTH?! Beats the hell out of some generic outdated thrash!

You said it man! Exodus are fucking awful just like almost every other thrash band. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

That fat kid frothing about "experimental hardcore" is pretty great too. As if his personal appearance wasn't enough vagina repellent on its own, he had to add strong, unfunny opinions about stupid bullshit to the "reasons why I will not get laid" stew.

Eyelicker said...

Personally tend to find that striking up a conversation about some old thrash band like Exodus and then casually mentioning that I actually prefer their newer stuff seems to induce an epileptic in most diehard metalheads.

haha, yeah man, it's pretty much going to annoy people if you claim any bands work post 1994 is better than before. Espesh Cryptopsy :)

Whenever I see the video of fat spit guy, I have to wash my face.

Anonymous said...

haha these sites are awesome, MI, SYWH and i just found this one...

anyway,
I always talk about crust/D-beat and NSBM,
most of them don't know what NSBM is and most of them hate crust/D-beat,
i say shit like "i don't give a fuck about what the meaning is, i just love the music".
(which is true for me about nsbm)
And if they dont know what NSBM is about then they start acting like im not "true". hahaha!!!

and i would rather not be "true" or assosiated with any NSBM nazi bollocks.

The thing is they always act like they know what im talking about NO MATTER WHAT. Its sad.

Oh, and i always rip on megadeth, thats fun.