Sunday, October 25, 2009

Maltstream chicks crunk my world

Using this extremely close minded and generalising system I have devised (and by devised, I mean briefly pondered upon), I hope I can help any of my discerning readers identify, pigeon hole, and act accordingly around females.

On my scale, there are only 3 types of girl. The most common ones: "Hard" Alternative, and "Hard" Mainstream, which generally clump together, and most social groups will be dominated by one or the other, with little else present. Then there is the third group, my holy grail as such, known as "Maltstream", a term coined by the massively successful post ironic hipster blog "HRO". (note: this system only applies to the middle classes)

Contrary to what everyone believes/tells you/are duped into believing by music videos, "Hard" alt girls are normally, not humble/misunderstood, extremely bitchy, closed minded, and kina fucked up and self centred. This is generally a result of hanging out in alt social circles, where (socially inept) guys massively outnumber girls, and so any girl, nomatter how fat/ugly, will get heaps more attention than if they stuck to mainstream sociality. This normally leads to them being painfully self centered, case in point: Kiki Kannibal. They also seem to fight amongst each other on a mean girls esque scale, vying for position of most relevant/alternative hot of the group, generally by banging a guy considered more successfully alt than the other chicks (due to band, art, gnarly tats). Plus most of them seem to be there for the alternative "image" above all else.

Meanwhile mainstream girls are normally a bit more pleasant and accepting, and simply have the major floor of being shit boring. It's obviously a massive sized demograph, yet they normally simply seem to have almost exactly the same views and conversational topics (espesh in uni).

replicate this picture a few hundred times and you have every mainstream girl's facebook. possibly with the odd folder of some holiday in Canada or something.

Then there are the glorious maltstream chicks, who my British alternative heart truly goes out too. Consisting of the best of each, mainstream enough to function normally in most social situations, alt/fucked up enough to have interesting conversations with and be into decent music/go to gigs with you and not be freaked out when you go hardcore dancing/pitting. Pretty much all the chicks I've ever had a meaningful connection/relationship with have been maltstream, as they glide between a spectrum of social groups like a carefree satellite in a studded belt, girl boxers and phat skate shoes. Normally they can be identified by a small generic tattoo, normally on the upper back.

And lets not forget Alison Harvard, the ultimate Maltstream!


Anonymous said...

replicate this picture a few hundred times and you have every mainstream girl's facebook. possibly with the odd folder of some holiday in Canada or something.

Hahahaha perfect!

I wish I could post some of my favorite maltstreamers I've dated but that can only lead to trouble... the best being this adorable cutie who worked at Bebe and listened to Motion City Soundtrack and Hollywood Undead. I miss her!

Eyelicker said...

Motion City Soundtrack and Hollywood Undead.....sounds like classic maltstream!!!