Punk Rock meets Bruce Willis

I need a fucking Die Hard box set. Wish I had a black sidekick I could go on crazy adventures on with after I split up with my first wife.

The Black brokeNCYDE: Screamo Crunk, the Zeitgeist

As I have mentioned him before a few times, although never using his actual moniker of N!tro, i thought it was high time to honor the brother with a full post, kind of.

Expert sagging, those sweet checkered vans, post-shutter shade UV protection, and black.....dyaaam!

He's kind of a bit like 3OH!3, but with better production, and more street cred (through being black). He also just did some kina colab with those cunts from dot dot curve or something, and some ugly scene douche called J Bigga.

Scene wiggers actually seem to know genuine black people now, even if they do just act hella white around them.

J Bigga is also known for this video, recently featured on look at this fucking hipster in which he brings a scene element to crazy youtube conspiracy theorist culture.



So anyway, I fuckin jam out N!tro all the time since rapidsharing his album, I would have probably paid, had it been available anywhere but itunes, but it isn't, and apple can smb. Got some pretty terrible/awesome/relatable lyrics too, in a bullshit scene kid kina way, seems to quite accurately convey romance in a kind of alt teen setting, referencing facebook, myspace top friends, txting and all that other passive aggresive bullshit.

Anyway, heres probably his most popular song, and the one which introduced me to the reality of black people being aware of/being scene kids. We all kind of guessed that there must be at least one out there, maybe you even saw one on a google image search when you were bored, but they never seemed truly real, in the same way komodo dragons arn't really "dragons".



Despite being obviously kind of middle class, having more in common with, say, Kanye West than Mobb Deep, the dude still strikes me as a hella mass chill bro. I wish I had more friends like him, or any black friends at all for that matter, at the moment the best i really have are some maltstream* azns, so the idea of a black scene dude really gets me going.

Also, if you step into the photo section of his myspace, you unlock an incredible new world, where many more non-white scene kids come out of no where, and scene is no longer simply the persuit of pale bulimic suburban white kids.

.....and if that didn't turn things around enough for you, in this crazy world of opposites that N!tro seems to be creating from his bedroom, the white scenes are all red puffy, chubby and rather retarded looking creatures, as we see by this monstrosity.

Feels good that screamo crunk could be becoming some kind of subcultural utopia, with an equal racial cross section. This may simply be due to the fact that all scene kids/scene wiggers are pretty middle class, by which black middle class people are also sort of wiggers too, in that they are just as alien to the inside of a Mobb Deep lyrics sleve as white middle class kids, but feel like they have to live up to that image anyway, therefore, racial devide becomes completely meaningless, as everyone works together to chase that golden grail: being truly "street/black". I myself see N!tro as the scene answer to Martin Luther King.

So anyhow, while N!tro may be both making awesome crunk music, and challenging racial steriotypes, all is not good on the screamo crunk front, as i discovered a few mornings ago, checking out myspace, discovering one of the worst abuses of autotune yet: T Mills.


Now, I love autotune vocals, screamo crunk, Attack Attack!, gauged lobes and plenty of other shit, but this guy just seems to be taking it too far, into uncomfortable territory. He is like the practical joke that stops being funny, and ends in a hospital trip, and just like that, he made me have to stop for a second, and seriously re-evaluate my stance on both silly music and life. I am still not 100% on whether he is actually real, or some kind of creature from our collective ids, like a scene pyramid head, telling us what we could become if we arn't careful. He seems too ridiculous to be true, but both myspace and google search suggest otherwise.

So where to begin; despite the fact that the music is terrible, and has non of the flair of brokeNCYDE, 3OH!3 or my new fantasy bromance N!tro, he looks like some kind of Oli Sykes squared monster, with a terrible case of trying-too-hard-not-to-be-a-spoiled-white-pussy-so-gets-a-shit-load-of-body-mods. I myself, embrace my status as spoiled white pussy, it's who I am, and it means i'm probably going to be spending most my life in relative comfort, so fuck anyone who has a problem with it. Wish I had a massive trust fund too. There is not one element of this dude that isn't taken to a ridiculous extreme, its like he went into the "make your own scene kid" on the sims or something, and put everything on full.

I'm also terrifyed as hell to find out what his age is, because if he's younger than me, I will probably have yet another early onset midlife crisis. It also fucked me up to learn that Taylor Swift is younger than me too. As well as that now I can watch porn with chicks that are younger than me, something that has fucked me up for a while. I'm only 20 yet I already feel old and washed up, and full of regret. Needless to say, I kind of envy the guy, having such an easy marketing ploy. I think tryna make it in a death metal band has probably been the wrong option, shitty autotune music is obviously the way to go. It's way easier, a fucking robot practically sings it for you, and scene chicks fucking love the shit out of it. Fuck you T Mills, fuck you. I just hope you're fucking wrinkled, broke and pathetic by the time you're 40 (the ink should hopefully keep you out of most jobs), while I will be wrinkled, rich and pathetic, reeling in the wake of my second marriage, wondering what the fucking point of living on is. Actually, fuck, you'll probably somehow still be happier than me.

Anyway, here's some more N!tro, as mimed by some scene cutie, who's probably young enough to find me creepy. Actually, she kind of looks like this 17 year old chick the singer of my band was banging for a while, despite him being 25 (props bro!).



*MALTSTREAM - a term coined by Hipster Run Off, meaning, mainly mainstream, but with some alternative tenancies, I.E could like some alt music, wear slightly alt clothing, or whatever. Will probably do some kind of post about them laters, as I'm pretty sure Maltstream chicks are the best in every way.

Guys in bands I have a man crush on

I would like to start with the dubious disclaimer that I am not one iota gay, and I love the feel, taste, sometimes the smell , and now even the sight of gash. Also, amongst some of my (also no homo) friends, it has also become commonplace to express our appreciation of a member of a band by saying what sexual practices we would like to engage them in. For example, the other week I was chatting to a bandmate, and he said, quite casually, "yeah, the drums on that Black Dahlia Murder DVD are fucking tight, I would suck that guys cock!", and this was normal unremarkable conversation. Therefore, seeing as our man crushes often manifest in mock sexual desire, i thought that it would be appropriate to express this particular list in a similar fashion, to get across the nature of the (platonic) admiration.

Also, wanting to bugger Bill Kaulitz of Tokio Hotel does not make you gay.

So confused!

Joakim Broden - Sabaton

I already touched on this one last post, and although I hate Sabaton, I couldn't help but include this guy. It's also noteworthy that this is the only guy in the list who actually looks like a chutney shunter. While he does look kina gay, like a token bear, what separates him from say, Manowar, who also look super gay, is the playful nature of his (visual) gayness. While Manowar never smile, and posture far too seriously, I get the Impression that unlike Joey Demaio, he realises that he does look pretty gay, and plays along with it for laughs. Also, I was chatting so Sargent D of Stuff You Will Hate and Metal Inquisition, who is a man with "wizard level game", and he says alot of girls think he's gay at first, and then bam! he's lovin them up to Hollywood Undead's "No. 5". Therefore I suspect old Joakim may have an ulterior motive for looking so homosexual. Either this or he actually is gay, in which case, as an attractive, gay looking male in a reasonably successful band, he will be like a homing beacon to any other gay power metal fans out there (there are more than you may think). The last alternative is that he has no idea about the gayness at all, and it is all simply the charming naivity that comes with being Swedish. Anyway, he's just so butch, playful, and fun to watch live I can't help but have developed a basic man crush on the guy.

Gay Relationship type: He would joke around alot and I would sigh and tell him to behave. In bed he would generally give it, then in the morning he would make me breakfast and make me feel special.

Muhammed Suicmez - Necrophagist

Being German automatically gets this guy extra man crush points, as well as being a sick guitarist and vocalist. I know the other guitarist in my band, who left for Greece to become the Karate kid yesturday, took with him a picture of Muhammed as a kind of fatherly figure to inspire/watch over him. Hes kind of been the central collective man crush of my band pretty much since the beginning, like the partner we always cheat on but then regret it and return to him. That's a pretty powerful crush, especially seeing as Necrophagist haven't actually released anything since 2004 (since 2006, every year, Muhammed has said that the new album will come out that year...so far, after 6 years, he has one new song to show for it) yet despite this, we remain mostly faithful.

Gay Relationship type: Muhammed is like the "fatherly" partner, who imparts his wisdom and learnings at the cost of what he calls "some sugar".

Something like brokeback mountain, with me as Jake Gyllenhaal, and him as Heath Ledger.

Adam D - Killswitch Engage

This one is almost entirely based on the pinch harmonics this guy pulls off, and his smooth as fuck guitar tones. Me and a few friends base most of our rigs around him. Plus he's just really amusing to watch live. He comes out with ALL the best vagina jokes! Every time i've seen them he's always had something new and ridiculous to say. Plus he's probably the only person to decide to ream emo kids then launch into "My Curse", something he probably realizes how ridiculous it is. Maybe he's subversively mocking everyone....yeah, probably.



Hes some more classic stage banter

So yeah, awesome guitarist, producer, pinch harmonica, and stage banter pro.....pretty admirable no? You should want to fondle his balls. If you don't you're gay.

Gay Relationship type: Probably more of a kind of homosexual bromance, invisible to the naked eye.

Oli Sykes

I know many different straight males who talk openly about bumming Oli Sykes. He's just so damn androgynous and Scene he's practically female anyway. In fact if i was gay I probably
wouldn't give a shit, it's not as gay to rail guys who look like chicks anyway. He's pretty much only here because of his massive scene stigma. Apparently he's the only one in Bring Me The Horizon with any money, all because of that fucking clothes company.

Gay Relationship type: Ohhhh he would get reamed........

Adam Warren - Oceano


Because I had to include a large black man

Gay Relationship type: Ohhhh I would get reamed........

Festival season is OVVVEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!: Part Two: Bloodstock

Its funny how when you're texting/msning a girl that you're, even only slightly interested in, you wait the same amount of time before replying that they did before replying to your last message...generally a little longer, to be safe. They normally do the same, resulting in the exponential growth of reply time, in a game of false dis-interest. Of course...this can make any meetings a fucking nightmare to arrange in time.

So yeah, Bloodstock,...Thanks to good ol Headbang, 5 of us got press passes, so we could hang out in the really quite pleasant press section, with free Monster Energy drinks...predictably resulting in me never sleeping and being even more of a "Bro" than usual...and my girl-with-boyfriend, who I also wrangled a pass, often feeling too sick to fool around. She also woke me up at 6 every morning getting up going to get a shower, but with the Monster, I was ok! Also met dudes from The Rotted (who are like, one of my favorite bands), The Haunted and Municipal Waste, which was chill. Everyone was totally down to earth and just cool to be with...especially Ben from The Rotted, who was already on "s'up" terms with Paul, through several prior interviews. Oh yeah, and I got to interview Equilibrium too.

Me with the Benster

Thanks to me getting CDs that actually work in the Thrash Metal Bandwagon, I was able to put on all sorts of annoying screamo crunk and deathcore on the journey...I like to think our arrival to the site was something like this

Although it was really us spilling out to some perplexed looking dude in a cut off Morbid Angel t shirt.

But yeah, we didn't do as many crazy things as Wacken I guess, just hung out backstage, drank energy drinks, photoed loads of bands, and watched them, which, I guess is what you're meant to do.

It was also a pleasant surprise to see Severed Heaven, this band I played with a while back, on some crappy unsigned stage.

I have a massive thing about the skull of the one with the blue streak...I always notice if a girl has an attractive skull.


As well as the singer from Sabaton's crotchal rip...

The power metal village people

Also, Cradle of Filth had to cut their set short due do one of their guitarists being hospitalised by a Gobstopper....seriously....

Incoming confectionary just out of shot

Although in general the people were quieter and more civil than Wacken (at least in the cararan site we were at). We did at one stage have to endure the noise of 3 middle aged men playing a Metal Hammer "battle metal" (read: shitty themed power metal) compilation from about 4 years ago out of their shitty transit van, basically fucking up the speakers, and not seeming to give a shit that it was skipping and fuzzing all over the shop. Nothing kills a moment with your girl like Dream Evil's "The Book Of Heavy Metal" being blared into your tent like a fuzzy old friend you thought you'd ditched a long time ago. I have no idea where i'm going to be when i'm middle aged, but i really hope its not at a festival with 2 other middle aged male loosers, making everyone hate me by blasting a compilation from a magazine aimed at a much younger demograph, with songs about "being a warrior". This is possibly the most laughable and half arsed attempt at being "down with the kids" that i've probably ever seen, beating anything David Cameron has done in recent years. What made it all the more depressing was how the CD itself was from about 4 years ago, and just about all the bands, and the general scene, have moved on massively. Kill me if this ever happens to me.

One night as well, we decided to venture out of the safety of our nice press pass assured camper van site, to the one for regular paying customers...where bands of people roamed around, awkwardly repeating phrases and memes, and got irritatingly drunk. Being that this wasn't in Germany, there was a massive male/female imbalance, meaning any girl was subject to intense attention from many, many very nerdy guys. At one point we found ourselves in with some extremely annoying Scottish people, who wouldn't shut up about Alestorm, a shitty Scottish pirate metal band (yeah, I know), so being the dickhead I am, told them all that they sucked, which bought some sanity to the group for a while. But we were sick of them anyway, so we stole someones hip flask and left. My girl was pretty much covered in nerds all the time as well, so at one point I had to push in and shout sarcastically "HEY GUYS, WE FOUND A GIRL....AT A METAL FESTIVAL!!!" and proceeded to drag her away. We never returned to this cest-pit.

My interview with Equilibrium was cool, kind of both a success and failure I guess, they had loads of interviews that day, and when I got to them they seemed pretty knacked, and the previous guy interviewing them had a big print out of "questions" and a professional looking microphone rig, so I took a more informal route. I loosened things up at first by chatting in German a bit (that instantly gets people on your side), and then for the interview, instead of doing my pre-arranged questions, I just chatted about, alcohol, food, mainly fish and chips, as well as cheese, and about how strange Bavaria is. Their Bass player also has an extremely, deep husky voice (for a girl), that some German girls have...it's very attractive in an unconventional way. Its a voice that tells you it's about to give you a good rodgering.

Yeah, not really much more to add to this.....it was a not particularly crazy, but still solid few days...............fuck it. Here's one of my demin jacket wearing friends dancing to brokeNCYDE for your amusement and/or horror...


And here's another picture of that glorious crotchal rip, on the singer of Sabaton, who, if I was gay, I would be so on his balls.....

Gay Porn: I'm gonna have to take you back to the station for some "questioning"

I think I might follow this up with a post about "people in bands I have a man-crush on".