Guys in bands I have a man crush on

I would like to start with the dubious disclaimer that I am not one iota gay, and I love the feel, taste, sometimes the smell , and now even the sight of gash. Also, amongst some of my (also no homo) friends, it has also become commonplace to express our appreciation of a member of a band by saying what sexual practices we would like to engage them in. For example, the other week I was chatting to a bandmate, and he said, quite casually, "yeah, the drums on that Black Dahlia Murder DVD are fucking tight, I would suck that guys cock!", and this was normal unremarkable conversation. Therefore, seeing as our man crushes often manifest in mock sexual desire, i thought that it would be appropriate to express this particular list in a similar fashion, to get across the nature of the (platonic) admiration.

Also, wanting to bugger Bill Kaulitz of Tokio Hotel does not make you gay.

So confused!

Joakim Broden - Sabaton

I already touched on this one last post, and although I hate Sabaton, I couldn't help but include this guy. It's also noteworthy that this is the only guy in the list who actually looks like a chutney shunter. While he does look kina gay, like a token bear, what separates him from say, Manowar, who also look super gay, is the playful nature of his (visual) gayness. While Manowar never smile, and posture far too seriously, I get the Impression that unlike Joey Demaio, he realises that he does look pretty gay, and plays along with it for laughs. Also, I was chatting so Sargent D of Stuff You Will Hate and Metal Inquisition, who is a man with "wizard level game", and he says alot of girls think he's gay at first, and then bam! he's lovin them up to Hollywood Undead's "No. 5". Therefore I suspect old Joakim may have an ulterior motive for looking so homosexual. Either this or he actually is gay, in which case, as an attractive, gay looking male in a reasonably successful band, he will be like a homing beacon to any other gay power metal fans out there (there are more than you may think). The last alternative is that he has no idea about the gayness at all, and it is all simply the charming naivity that comes with being Swedish. Anyway, he's just so butch, playful, and fun to watch live I can't help but have developed a basic man crush on the guy.

Gay Relationship type: He would joke around alot and I would sigh and tell him to behave. In bed he would generally give it, then in the morning he would make me breakfast and make me feel special.

Muhammed Suicmez - Necrophagist

Being German automatically gets this guy extra man crush points, as well as being a sick guitarist and vocalist. I know the other guitarist in my band, who left for Greece to become the Karate kid yesturday, took with him a picture of Muhammed as a kind of fatherly figure to inspire/watch over him. Hes kind of been the central collective man crush of my band pretty much since the beginning, like the partner we always cheat on but then regret it and return to him. That's a pretty powerful crush, especially seeing as Necrophagist haven't actually released anything since 2004 (since 2006, every year, Muhammed has said that the new album will come out that year...so far, after 6 years, he has one new song to show for it) yet despite this, we remain mostly faithful.

Gay Relationship type: Muhammed is like the "fatherly" partner, who imparts his wisdom and learnings at the cost of what he calls "some sugar".

Something like brokeback mountain, with me as Jake Gyllenhaal, and him as Heath Ledger.

Adam D - Killswitch Engage

This one is almost entirely based on the pinch harmonics this guy pulls off, and his smooth as fuck guitar tones. Me and a few friends base most of our rigs around him. Plus he's just really amusing to watch live. He comes out with ALL the best vagina jokes! Every time i've seen them he's always had something new and ridiculous to say. Plus he's probably the only person to decide to ream emo kids then launch into "My Curse", something he probably realizes how ridiculous it is. Maybe he's subversively mocking everyone....yeah, probably.



Hes some more classic stage banter

So yeah, awesome guitarist, producer, pinch harmonica, and stage banter pro.....pretty admirable no? You should want to fondle his balls. If you don't you're gay.

Gay Relationship type: Probably more of a kind of homosexual bromance, invisible to the naked eye.

Oli Sykes

I know many different straight males who talk openly about bumming Oli Sykes. He's just so damn androgynous and Scene he's practically female anyway. In fact if i was gay I probably
wouldn't give a shit, it's not as gay to rail guys who look like chicks anyway. He's pretty much only here because of his massive scene stigma. Apparently he's the only one in Bring Me The Horizon with any money, all because of that fucking clothes company.

Gay Relationship type: Ohhhh he would get reamed........

Adam Warren - Oceano


Because I had to include a large black man

Gay Relationship type: Ohhhh I would get reamed........

Festival season is OVVVEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!: Part Two: Bloodstock

Its funny how when you're texting/msning a girl that you're, even only slightly interested in, you wait the same amount of time before replying that they did before replying to your last message...generally a little longer, to be safe. They normally do the same, resulting in the exponential growth of reply time, in a game of false dis-interest. Of course...this can make any meetings a fucking nightmare to arrange in time.

So yeah, Bloodstock,...Thanks to good ol Headbang, 5 of us got press passes, so we could hang out in the really quite pleasant press section, with free Monster Energy drinks...predictably resulting in me never sleeping and being even more of a "Bro" than usual...and my girl-with-boyfriend, who I also wrangled a pass, often feeling too sick to fool around. She also woke me up at 6 every morning getting up going to get a shower, but with the Monster, I was ok! Also met dudes from The Rotted (who are like, one of my favorite bands), The Haunted and Municipal Waste, which was chill. Everyone was totally down to earth and just cool to be with...especially Ben from The Rotted, who was already on "s'up" terms with Paul, through several prior interviews. Oh yeah, and I got to interview Equilibrium too.

Me with the Benster

Thanks to me getting CDs that actually work in the Thrash Metal Bandwagon, I was able to put on all sorts of annoying screamo crunk and deathcore on the journey...I like to think our arrival to the site was something like this

Although it was really us spilling out to some perplexed looking dude in a cut off Morbid Angel t shirt.

But yeah, we didn't do as many crazy things as Wacken I guess, just hung out backstage, drank energy drinks, photoed loads of bands, and watched them, which, I guess is what you're meant to do.

It was also a pleasant surprise to see Severed Heaven, this band I played with a while back, on some crappy unsigned stage.

I have a massive thing about the skull of the one with the blue streak...I always notice if a girl has an attractive skull.


As well as the singer from Sabaton's crotchal rip...

The power metal village people

Also, Cradle of Filth had to cut their set short due do one of their guitarists being hospitalised by a Gobstopper....seriously....

Incoming confectionary just out of shot

Although in general the people were quieter and more civil than Wacken (at least in the cararan site we were at). We did at one stage have to endure the noise of 3 middle aged men playing a Metal Hammer "battle metal" (read: shitty themed power metal) compilation from about 4 years ago out of their shitty transit van, basically fucking up the speakers, and not seeming to give a shit that it was skipping and fuzzing all over the shop. Nothing kills a moment with your girl like Dream Evil's "The Book Of Heavy Metal" being blared into your tent like a fuzzy old friend you thought you'd ditched a long time ago. I have no idea where i'm going to be when i'm middle aged, but i really hope its not at a festival with 2 other middle aged male loosers, making everyone hate me by blasting a compilation from a magazine aimed at a much younger demograph, with songs about "being a warrior". This is possibly the most laughable and half arsed attempt at being "down with the kids" that i've probably ever seen, beating anything David Cameron has done in recent years. What made it all the more depressing was how the CD itself was from about 4 years ago, and just about all the bands, and the general scene, have moved on massively. Kill me if this ever happens to me.

One night as well, we decided to venture out of the safety of our nice press pass assured camper van site, to the one for regular paying customers...where bands of people roamed around, awkwardly repeating phrases and memes, and got irritatingly drunk. Being that this wasn't in Germany, there was a massive male/female imbalance, meaning any girl was subject to intense attention from many, many very nerdy guys. At one point we found ourselves in with some extremely annoying Scottish people, who wouldn't shut up about Alestorm, a shitty Scottish pirate metal band (yeah, I know), so being the dickhead I am, told them all that they sucked, which bought some sanity to the group for a while. But we were sick of them anyway, so we stole someones hip flask and left. My girl was pretty much covered in nerds all the time as well, so at one point I had to push in and shout sarcastically "HEY GUYS, WE FOUND A GIRL....AT A METAL FESTIVAL!!!" and proceeded to drag her away. We never returned to this cest-pit.

My interview with Equilibrium was cool, kind of both a success and failure I guess, they had loads of interviews that day, and when I got to them they seemed pretty knacked, and the previous guy interviewing them had a big print out of "questions" and a professional looking microphone rig, so I took a more informal route. I loosened things up at first by chatting in German a bit (that instantly gets people on your side), and then for the interview, instead of doing my pre-arranged questions, I just chatted about, alcohol, food, mainly fish and chips, as well as cheese, and about how strange Bavaria is. Their Bass player also has an extremely, deep husky voice (for a girl), that some German girls have...it's very attractive in an unconventional way. Its a voice that tells you it's about to give you a good rodgering.

Yeah, not really much more to add to this.....it was a not particularly crazy, but still solid few days...............fuck it. Here's one of my demin jacket wearing friends dancing to brokeNCYDE for your amusement and/or horror...


And here's another picture of that glorious crotchal rip, on the singer of Sabaton, who, if I was gay, I would be so on his balls.....

Gay Porn: I'm gonna have to take you back to the station for some "questioning"

I think I might follow this up with a post about "people in bands I have a man-crush on".

Me Now: Fuck Yes!

This morning I woke up, beat off, listened to Hollywood Undead, Necro, and Pantera, and now I'm about to put on some scene gear and get crunk! My girl-with-boyfriend fucked off to some festival yesterday night when we were meant to be meeting without telling me, so today i'm going all out, getting crunk, finding some other girl and broing down. I got a friends birthday party tonight too where we're gonna listen to the new Walls of Jericho album, hardcore dance, and probably listen to Attack Attack! and brokeNCYDE too! Then hit the fuckin town! Fuck yeah, tonight is gonna be sick! No bitch can bring me down!

Any of my 4 confirmed readers reading this, go listen to Everywhere I Go by Hollywood Undead, then get out there and get the fuck out of your comfort zone! What are your plans for tonight anyway...let me know bros, so tomorrow I can gloat that I had a better night ;)

A few days of random happenings and sightings

"Has the match defeated girls you have drunk?"


Or so I was recently asked by a Chinese girl I was added by on ICQ, in reference to girls at English house parties and drinking games. I have no idea what this girl defeating "match" is....nor quite why i'm getting accused of "drinking" girls.

Going to Manchester to record guitar the other week all went to plan, with one small hiccup........THE FUCKING TRAIN CAUGHT FIRE!!!! Yes, I was on the train, when suddenly some typical working class English "dad" type came running up to the ticket guy and said "Excuse me mate, that carriage is full o smoke", at which the ticket bro went "Shit, fire!" and ran in the opposite direction.

So we evacuated the fucker at Chorley, where the firemen came and saw to things, the station was shut down as such, and we were all stranded there for about an hour, before some other train took us back the way we came to Preston, and then back another way to Manchester. All in all, what should have been a 1 hour journey, became about 3 and a half.

During our panicy time in Chorley, which played out like an episode of lost, more or less everyone gathered round the poor ticket bro, who was trying to explain the situation, and shouted at him about why they have to be in Manchester on time, why their situation is more despirate than anyone elses, and why the trainline should have been more prepared and this was their fault. Some old women, who no doubt reads a tabloid, started up about how they "don't care about people", or something. This whole episode was made all the more unbearable by the fact that everyone had a working class manc/north-west accent, and the majority of the outraged were female, and so went into that shrill, treblely nasal voice women use when they have a moment of self righteous rage.



Noticed a textbook chubby Pete Wentz fan, who always ended up stood near me, and probably hoped i'd start a conversation. Also, while near her one time, i heard a noise I would recognise anywhere....it sounded like a retard hitting a series of pots and pans, punctuated with a shrill DA!.......DA!........DA! She was listening to St Anger on her ipod nano. Actually, it was more like a "worst of Metallica" compilation, consisting of all the shit off St Anger, Load, and something quite possibly off Death Magnatic, which i haven't given the time yet, and probably never will. Something in the world is going amiss when slightly scene chubby girls are listening to latter day Metallica.

There was also some geeky dude painfully hitting on a similarly dorky girl, which was quite sweet i guess....I wonder if he got her number.





So anyway, after recording guitar at a bro's home studio rig, I went out on Manchester with a friends birthday procession, the night was relatively without incident, however, I did run into the death metal guy I saw at brokeNCYDE, and he has a cute scene girlfriend....I think. I was like "dude, were you at brokeNCYDE?" and he was like "yeah man", and then his friend said that we suck, so I was like, "you won't understand, don't worry if its too deep for you"...actually, this always happens when i introduce people to BC13.

On monday hung out with a friend from Germany who was traveling round and had a 20 bag, so we went out and got mega stoned. Unfortunately, everyone else we were with had normal midnight I-better-get-to-bed-now-I-have-an-early-start reaction, but we stayed up and broed down untill about 4, getting really high.

Over the past few days, I have got so sick of the word Irony. Everyone's always so "oh, its ok, they're doing it Ironically", or "he likes brokeNCYDE, but I think he's being ironic". All the fucking time. People use it to excuse shit taste, or wear terrible clothes...or make shitty cultural jokes which have already been done to death. Stupid people say it all the time in the wrong context, clever people say it all the time in an annoying context. In the same way people used to always say "pretentious", today's word of the retarded middleclass teenage/student masses is "Ironic". I wear ott Osiris shoes because I like them, I listen to brokeNCYDE because I like them............fuck you all. If you like something, don't be afraid to admit it

Not seen my Girl-who-has-boyfriend since bloodstock :(...may try and work in some jealously trap like Tom Cruise mentions on Magnolia....doubtless it will prove to be a Monumental Failure.

I think i've figured out how to write a blog...it dosn't matter what your subject matter is, so long as you throw in plenty of alt-culture references, some fucking irony, plenty of links to silly pictures...and maybe voice an opinion that no one else has thought of yet....extra marks if its meant ironically.

I also noticed I seem to reference brokeNCYDE in every post.............Skeet Skeet

The more vulnerable portion of the population in Lancaster seem to be taking new, more extreme methods to protect from the swine flu menace. By more vulnerable I mean old, and by more extreme I mean some kind of portable bio-dome.

A big day: Someone reads my blog

After having written this blog with a kind of self imposed regularity and reluctance, the months of thought diarrhea and posting about silly irrelevant things have been finally rewarded, and by rewarded, I mean glanced over by some guy in America.

Yes, the infamous Sergent D of Metal Inquisition fame and more recently the controversial "Stuff You Will Hate" (with its abysmal color scheme, although is this ironic?), has left no fewer than three comments, all, unless my online sarcasm detector is on the fritz, positive in nature. This means one thing....someone has read my blog. I haven't told anyone about it, just kind of done it cos that's what the kids do nowadays, It was originally a displacement activity from studying for my first year finals conceived at about 5 or 6 in the morning, and since then it just kind of stuck like a bout of athletes foot that though you are kind of embarrassed about and don't show the world, you still like to get it out and have a good old self indulgent scratch once in a while. Therefore, that someone has found it and actually read what is pretty much a 21st century diary, makes me feel both overwhelmed and exposed. Like having a chick over who discovers your athletes foot and instead of being revolted, unexpectedly scratches it gently, while purring in your ear.

Maybe this is the beginning of me becoming a famous web scene kid, such as the notorious KikiKannibal, Zui Suicide, Dani Gore or whatnot....for a full list consult this yahoo answers page. I would probably need a new name, as my current name dosn't really rhyme with anything, much less any choice scene buzzwords like Br00tality, Gore, Suicide or any other words that are essentially a bad thing happening. I wonder if there is a limit to how far that can go. For example, I would kind of like something sort of medical and Carcass-esque...maybe a rare disease. Mikey Maleria, or Ethan Ebola would be cool....if I was called Mike or Ethan. Or maybe just an obscure organ....DannyDuodenum (thats part of your large intestine). These strike me as much more interesting than vague words like Gore and Suicide. Give them a little TM on the myspace and heyyyy...new scene hero.

So anyway, the fact that the first person to read my blog (that I know of) is Sergent D is an exiting development because Metal Inquisition was the first blog I really started following, and taught me such important life lessons like it's ok to like brokeNCYDE and Slam Metal simultaniously, if your friends make fun of you for wearing something, chicks will most likely dig it (within reason, I once wore a pair of swimming trunks in my school days so small i didn't notice I had a bollock hanging out, that took about 2 years to live down), how to tastefully appropriate Wigger culture into metal, not to ever go to New Jersey, and that pretty much all careers in metal end in depressing living conditions and a meaningless middle age existance. If you are the second person to read my blog and haven't already, check his blogs, read them, and learn.

The fact that a glance over by some 30 odd year old American recovering metalhead in the midst of a early-onset midlife crisis (although unlike in American Beauty, where Kevin Spacey buys a sweet car, instead he opts for the more financially viable option of liking brokeNCYDE), much like I cling to my fleeing teenage years by dressing like a 17 year old instead of a 20 year old, and hang around with 18 year olds, has inspired me to waste time writing this post when I could have been learning German, practicing guitar, or at the very worst playing GTA4, shows just how hopeless the internet is turning our generation, and sending our prioritys to shit. Horray for a passive aggressive future where irony is slopped on so thick that saying anything means the opposite as well, depending on which is more hip at the time. I knew starting a blog was a bad idea.

Tomorrow I go to Manchester to record some guitar for sick new songs in a friends sick home studio. They are largely about rape and dismemberment. I also need to get the other guitarist down before he fucks off to Greece and becomes the Karate Kid.

Festival season is OVVVEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!: Part One, Wacken

And by season, I mean the two festivals i went to, Wacken and Bloodstock, as I didn't have the money or lack of apathy to get my shit in gear and go to Tuska, Download (still gutted about missing Limp Bizkit), Metal Camp, or Hellfest.

If you want to know about the music or any of the boring stuff like that which also happens at metal festivals, look at Headbang, the Bloodstock review will be up shortly, and have lots of nice juicy pictures, as we got a photo pit pass :). This post however, is about the fun shit that comes from getting crunk, the main reason people come to festivals.



It was a good 2 days drive from the Northwest of England to Germany for Wacken, in Jim's fabled "Thrash Metal Bandwagon", a turquoise van that he used to use for his old band "Dead To Sin" and still has their logo and "Real Thrash Metal" written down the side in faded writing. Everyone knew the 6 of us meant business as we drove into the campsite in a beaten up Volkswagen van with this written on the side, all the wimps and posers kept their distance, even Manowar fans looked timid in the presence of the "Real Thrash Metal" Volkswagen van. However, the German security people were apparently neither wimps nor posers, as we were told several times that we had parked in the wrong place and would have to move.

Our infamous mechanic Harry "The mighty" Quinn, looks under the impressive hood of the Thrash Metal Bandwagon in a "Machine Fuckin' Head" T Shirt. You think that's coolant? Its the ubiquitous toxic waste that thrash metal bands always base their artwork on, and acts as fuel for the van.

All was however good, as soon we were set up and making friends, and by pure coincidence a friend from Manchester university arrived and set up next to us with her crew.

So pretty much the whole time there we were drinking beer non stop, hanging out and doing dumb shit, watching awesome bands, I went hardcore dancing, my new era cap managed to stay on all through Machine Head's very violent set much to my glee and surprise (although Jim did drop it in some floored ravioli, so it felt like an empty victory), and I figured out how to play my mp3 player in the van after my mix CDs failed to work in its shitty old CD player, so I still got to listen to brokeNCYDE as well as all the awesome metal I got that week!!!

I would now like to take a paragraph and apologize to the decade beginning 1980, The cities New York and L.A, Kerry King, James Hetfield, That fat singer of Testament, Gary Holt and anyone who has ever worn a denim jacket with patches; I am sorry for playing brokeNCYDE out of a van that says on the side "Real Thrash Metal". I have soiled your ancient (3 decades) tradition with this modern abortion, i have raped your beliefs and values. The only way this could have been any worse is if it had the Warriors of the World cover on the side. Sorry, i really am..........

Appology aside, the combination of brokeNCYDE and the Thrash Metal Bandwagon led to the discovery of possibly the best pickup line ever; "Do you want to listen to brokeNCYDE with me in my friend's van". I had just left a group of people and was in a happily tipsy state, and was about to go to bed when I noticed another group of friends. My unusual attire of vulgar brightly coloured hoodie and shuttershades allowed me to instantly steal centre of attention, and found myself chatting to a cute, although slightly chubby German girl. I dropped the brokeNCYDE/thrash metal bombshell, and within minutes she was polishing my quiver bone in the back of the van, if you catch my drift, all the while with the brokeNCYDE album playing on the speakers. The whole length of the hummer I couldn't help but think of how proud Se7en and Mikl would have been, if only i had this to say to them when I interviewed them. I was literally living the BC13 dream, in fact most of their lyrics spewing from the speakers I could directly relate to in the moment, and there was nothing gay about the fact that while I was getting head in Jim's van all I could think about was a group of effeminate guys with blonde highlights from New Mexico. Midway through someone shouted "Jim, ******'s doing some bird in your van!", to which the reply from Jim's tent was "he better bloody not be!"

The next day I got with another German girl with a mega rack, although unfortunately this time brokeNCYDE played no part in it :/, simply being the only guy in a square mile NOT to worship the fucking ground she walked on. Metal festivals are so full of socially retarded guys and stuck up girls who take advantage of this and get armies of minions following them everywhere, so keeping a fucking level head and just having fun works like no mans buisness.

We also made a sport of jumping off the van using an inflatable couch to catch us, ultimately resulting in it bursting, and a video of one of our number doing it naked. To put this into perspective, this is standing on top of a van in a field full of people, and taking your clothes off...there isn't many more attention gathering ways of getting naked than this, short of actually broadcasting it on TV, or doing internet porn. Weirdest was the fact that he did this with minimal sugestion, and after a moments reflection decided he would "Keep ma socks on".

Me gracefully completing a complex "face-dive" maneuver from the top of the Thrash Metal Bandwagon

Another fun event was when two German girls came around with a beer bong, and more or less raped Harry the Mechanic into swallowing beer rapidly through a tube, resulting in this video, which is probably the closest thing society will come to non nude worksafe hardcore German pornography



As you can probably tell, and I gauged from the situation, the one holding the beer bong was an extreme cock tease, while the one who gulps up the beer seemed like something of a bicycle. Here is an image of the event, and probably the most sexually charged photo on blogspot.

This image is more arousing than over half of the contents of tube8. That's me filming it on my camera by the way.

It wasn't all fun and boobs though, oh no. At one point Harry the mechanic in one of his more violent moods threw several glass bottles at various people including a member of security, resulting in a team of them (well, 2 of them) storming our camp in a quad bike, intimidating the hell out of us with their German accents, (think every second world war film ever) and demanding to see our passports. One of them almost hit me when i shouted at them to " Dude, Chill the fuck out!", which looking back was a stupid thing to do. After the initial storming they got much more friendly, and advised us that if we wanted to start shit, do it in another camp site so they couldn't trace us here. Good advice, but odd coming from a member of security.

I also met this awesome guy called Oli while pissing next to him in a bush, and ended up hanging out with him loads, listening to him talk about how much he wanted to fuck his super hot scene girlfriend back in Baden-Baden. He was a class guy, here is me holding him like the child I never had, and him appreciating the warmth and fartherlyness I offered, while drinking cheap gross German beer like a dummy/pacifyer.

I felt Billy Mays had the kind of fatherly image I should go for, as I cradle my pet scene kid.

Oli, if you read this, me and the guys wana stay in touch! Leme know if you see this and we can hang out again next Wacken!

At the end of the festival I saw this couple of metal heads having the most long goodbye ever next to the remains of our camp.

This was the best one I could get before they noticed me and I started to creep myself out

It was pretty cute to see this presumably fresh romance blossoming amidst the chaos of the last morning, I hope they're still in touch. We kind of ruined the mood slightly, just out of shot is Harry trying to jump start the Van and swearing loudly in a way that only Northern British people can. They paused their mutual affection to behold the curious and most likely alien spectacle of working class Britain jump starting a van that says "Real Thrash Metal" on the side (god, that never gets old). As they finally said goodbye she walked off and he stayed for ages, watching her go, leaning on the barrier of the light behind them. I neglected to tell him that we had been urinating on it since day one, it was obviously one of those moments you don't break for no amount of urine. Had he known, I doubt all the urine in Manchester would have stopped him from having his cool, nonchalantly-leaning-while-watching-your-girl-walk-away moment, popularized by so many romantic comedies, or Romcoms. Hygiene just isn't a priority at times like that. Seeing that made me feel so empty after my week of meaningless decadence, and i began to wish for whatever that guy...leaning on our makeshift urinal...felt right then, looking cool as she walks away, occasionally glancing back and giggleing at him. I began to miss my sort of bootycall back home, even though she has a boyfriend, and whatever twisted interpretation of romance we were scraping together. We will probably never get a moment as intense as the one I witnessed here, but maybe I could try at something,at least enough to make her miss me for a while when we go our separate ways to uni, provided her boyfriend dosn't have me lynched. At least I won't be unknowingly leaning in piss.

All in all, an awesome festival and a cracking week, even with sight fall outs, and Harry the notorious mechanic almost sexually assaulting a drunk girl and getting in a fight with her boyfriend. On the way out, the Thrash Metal Bandwagon broke down on the autobahn, resulting in us having to get out and push the fucker off the road onto the hard shoulder amidst all the traffic, who weren't exactly co-operative. All this with Sabaton still playing, taunting us with gay power metal songs about victory. Apparently the god of Thrash just weren't enough to keep the thing going, or maybe it was just getting us back for defiling it with brokeNCYDE, who knows, only Harry the Mechanic. Anyhow, a short walk for Jim to the nearest petrol station to pick up some diesel, looking like a tit in a luminous yellow coat, and we were on our merry way again.

The sign said diesel, as we waited for Jim to return, unsure we would ever see him again. It definitely felt a lot like the beginning of a new generation horror film, van of metalheads and scene kids braking down in the north of Germany after a festival, to be hacked up one by one.

After that we had an awesome barbeque at one of our number's German girlfriend's house in Hamburg, where the parents absolutely loved me, and I practiced all my German speaking skillz. My charm was so much that we got on great even though I was wearing my infamous "devourment" t-shirt.

We take over a humble suburban German household. On the back it says "She should have said yes". Plus now you know what Billy Mays looks like in a New Era cap and Devourment t-shirt.

It was a relaxing end to the week, and we got to shower each. I thought about trying it on with my friend's girlfriend's cute sister, but in the end was just too tired to bother, maybe next year.

Account of Bloodstock to follow!!!

Music Vs Reality

Recently, the drummer in my band decided to quit, in order to go to Huddersfield for university. As well as this, our singer is more or less AWOL, spending more time with his girlfriend, his high paying job, and his nice high rising flat in the center of Manchester, and his less committal, peaceful indie type band that requires significantly less time and effort than technical death metal. On top of that, the other guitarist is about to jet off for Greece for a year to learn and teach kung-fu with the legendary "grand master" he often tells us about, who apparently ran around in vietnam without a weapon killing people with his bare hands, and has killed 2 people with some kind of heart stopping preassure move, and become some kind of Karate kid incarnate, probably in a year that will be much like this i imagine.



Even me myself, am not at my best having lost a lot of time studying my balls off for the finals, which I did infact pass, narrowly. I'm even spending a year in germany after this one as part of my course, which will be a further blow to the already severly beaten dream of making it in a death metal band.

With this, has come reflection, and the realisation that making it in a death metal band, despite being what i've wanted more than anything for the past 5 or 6 years, is actually, not that great an ambition, compaired to going to university and getting a good job. Most people in bands sacrifice their futures for a few years of glory, but no matter how big you become, you will always eventually have to return to the daily grind of mundane life, and often, it isn't all too welcoming after your time off, and musicians, no matter how renowned or celebrated, often end up in terrible dead end jobs, and grow old ungracefully, always wishing for the former glory. It was a depressing wake up call for me when I learnt that Pin from Sikth, one of my biggest influences and responsible for possibly my favorite album of all time, now works in a call center somewhere in greater Manchester now that Sikth have broken up. Even a band as huge as Motorhead, after watching a tour diary, seem to lead quite a grim existanc of constant touring in order to afford life, constantly harking back to better days. And then there's Manowar, who, as much as they suck, are undeniably successful for a metal band, and you would have thought have at least reasonable living conditions. So as much as dropping everything to play metal, go touring and maybe produce some kind of pinnicle CD appeals, I don't think it would be worth the loss of a secure financialy stable future, and secure middle class familly life with a pet dog and holidays to the south of France which, despite being repuatably dull, is actually something i'm really looking forward to.

You kind of notice that alot of people who are still into metal in their middle ages are massive loosers, and this probably scares a lot of people into growing up. I'm hoping that in the next couple of decades or so, there is a boom in the amount of normal successful middle aged people who are into metal and have plenty of faded tattoos, to prove that metalheads arn't all loosers.

This slow death of dreams dosn't nessacerily mean a loss of identity and allegiance to metal. I'm gonna be playing guitar for the rest of my life (at least untill the onset of arthritis), and going to shows. I'm still gonna be getting tattoos, and following the scene, its just not gonna be the only thing about me. I'm hoping I don't end up like this:



rather than become a quite typical dad like mine (hopefully a cool dad), albeit who happens to love death metal and has faded tattoos. I don't even want a "Metal" family, rather than a quite "square" partner and kids who find their own cultures to love. I remember at the Tuska festival a couple of years ago, I saw this tastefully metalheadish middle aged guy, who turned out to watch Emperor with his non-metal wife, who kina looked slightly hippieish. He watched the band for a little bit, but after a while, when it was clear she wasn't enjoying it, he took her further back so they could talk. That woman was probably the most out of place person there, but the fact they would go to Tuska as part of an evening out kind of warms me. Hopefully he went to some grateful dead or something gig with her too.

Its a shame though that so many people completely drop the subculture they were as they realise that musical dreams arn't gonna come to fruition. I'm pretty much the only person in my class at uni that dresses like any kind of subculture, with new era caps and devourment t shirts amoung the swarms of Akercrombe and Fitch, Horizontal stripes, and Topman. Almost every metal head I know has now cut their hair, and pretty much stopped listening to metal, as a part of "fitting in" with their new university friends. I never really hung out with other metalheads much through my teen years, so maybe thats why at uni im so comfortable keeping my identity and dressing like a metalhead/scene kid amounst other student friends. I definitely aren't treated any differently, and if I was, well, I wouldn't hang out with them.

So as reality sets in, I still am and always will be very much proud of who I am and was, and will keep the identity. Its just a shame that there are so few people in the middle, everyone eather drops all identity and conforms to middle class comfort, or keeps it up, persues their dreams, maybe with some success, but ultimately ends up a massive looser.

Not dead

Just got back from wacken, and it was fucking sick, full post to follow.